Action Science Theatre

The Natural History Museum – a fine institution full of dusty, dead things. A bit like the House of Lords. Satire. But how do you get into the Museum’s collections? Win a raffle? The X Factor? Who knows? One man who hopes he does is Douglas Smith. Will he get his shrew past the tough entry criteria? Will he die at the hands of a psychotic doorman? Let’s find out! Tom Thomas – Dan Bond Douglas Smith – Matt Kirk Alexander Twitch / Fred – Brian Mackenwells Lady Elstree Loudmouse – Francesca Richards Betty Boxer / Market Trader – Anna Trapmore Billy Block / Doorman – Simon Wilson Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org and SoundBible.com

Things haven’t always been fair at Christmas. In the old days, before the Snapchat, some people didn’t get everything they wanted. Women. They haven’t always had it easy. But there are some who fight for their rights! And there’s no better time to do it than when the nights draw in and those shops open that only sell pointless gadgets. Grab yourself a mince pie, loosen your clothing, punch a reindeer, and listen to this eggy slice of audio fluff. Merry Christmas! Dr Henry Keys – Jamie Crowther Annabel – Elena Wright Elizabeth Thomas – Anna Wilson Nathaniel Thomas – Brian Mackenwells Patricia – Rhona Mackenwells Lydia – Debs Mckenna Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Ooh be do. I want to be like you. I want to walk like you, talk like you. Ooooh. Modelling yourself after successful people can have ups and downs. For every “being open to new ideas” there’s a “wake every morning at 4am”. If only King Louie understood that. Of course this is unrelated to our next episode which is about gibbon hunting. I don’t know why. Perhaps they know where the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre is? Join us! Hear the most convincing gibbon impression you will ever hear! Encounter romance! Feel confused! Professor Edwards – Dan Bond Professor Martin – Charlie Vicary Dr Holt – Georgie Longley Dr Baxter – Steve Pritchard Anusha Sharma – Sreya Rao Alex Thomas – Jack Brougham Gibbon – Michaela Livingstone-Banks (world’s leading gibbon call expert) Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Aaaaaaaachoo! Oof. Sorry about that. I really must stop rubbing my face with things I’m allergic to. Like cats. Of course scientists are doing their best to cure us of diseases – and to do this they like to stick things in our crevices. Get ready for international travel! Animals! And lots of hot nose action! Lie back and think of the bacteria… Alex – Dan Booth Scott – Brian Mackenwells Merlin – Dan Bond Written by Dan Booth, Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

The 1980s. Cool music, solid haircuts, adventurous films and neoliberalism. Everything a decade should be. And it was when the big, successful computer companies started their rise. And not only the successful ones. Join us to for a story of the also-rans. The followers. The failures. The Great British computer companies. Chris Sessions – Brian Mackenwells Anna Sessions – Rhona Mackenwells Wendy King – Wendy Bradley Aaron Spector – Dan Bond Voice over – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “1980” by Frank Kleinwächter Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Guns. Dangerous things. Well, one end is. Really as long as you’re not standing in front of the little bit on the front you’ll be okay. They never point that out in gun statistics do they? What about all the people who were BEHIND the gun? Having established that guns are safe, let’s use one to fire people to space! Woo! This is a great idea. Nothing can go wrong. Time for a warm audio ear bath. Dive in. Doc Daring – Dan Bond Annie Mosey – Francesca Richards Lady Joyce Gregory – Erin Burns Professor Ian Locke – Charlie Vicary Amelia Nelson – Georgie Longley General Haystack – Steve Pritchard Nelson – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Scientists. What are they like, eh? Not content with filling the world with “facts” and “ideas” they’re also very fond of weird experiments. One minute you’re waiting for the 49 bus, the next you’re being attacked by a murderous fog that’s escaped from a laboratory. They also like removing and adding brains to things. And has that ever led to anything good? No. Well, that run is about to continue. Stick your ears right into this pile of noises, my friends. Dr Giovanni Anzelmo – Brian Mackenwells Inspector George Parr – Mike Macdonald Igor – Pamela Linnen Shoe Shine Mary / Frank – Debs McKenna Gisella Anzelmo – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

BOOM! I love mushrooms. They’re a tasty and healthy alternative to meat. And they’re great fried in butter, like so many things in life. But what about mushroom clouds? They don’t taste so good in garlic and breadcrumbs. How about an adventure about them though? That’s something you’d like isn’t it? Well, here you are. Sort of. Mind the Russian accents. Keep your hands inside the car. Away we go! Stanley – Dan Bond Carter – Jamie Crowther Ms Clarke – Victoria Maskell Ethel – Elena Wright Richard / Sheriff / Corporal – Simon Wilson Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: Traditional Old Jazz Swing Classics 024 by PremiumMusic Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Pie charts. Not as fattening as the name suggests. They’ve been miscommunicating information for a long time now, and baffling people with their unnecessary 3D effects. Of course the reason we have them at all is down to the ‘lady with the lamp’. She was always working in the dark which explains the bright default colours used on charts in Excel. Regress with us now as if you’re in some fever dream, and experience the horrors of the Crimea war with a little bit of sauciness thrown in. And don’t come crying to us when you get trench foot. Florence Nightingale – Francesca Richards Anne Hatherley – Debs McKenna Ethel Lewisham – Anna Griffiths Dr Hiscox – Dan Booth Dr Bunting / Private Martin – Brian Mackenwells Corporal Talks / Clerk – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Wait, 2 counter-clockwise turns off the upper-level should… No… 3 clockwise rotations of the left-most sector will… No. We all hate Rubik’s cubes. Hate them completely and utterly. More than life itself. But there are some total weirdos who do like them. Join some of these fine people as they grapple with lining up little coloured squares, AND some of life’s biggest challenges. Not everything is as it seems… Buster – Dan Bond Max / Max2 – Jack Brougham Anya – Sreya Rao Charles – Mike Macdonald Harold – Charlie Vicary Principal – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Have you ever had one of those friends? You know the type, will get you into trouble and then disappear when the going gets tough. Irish. Co-writer of the podcast you make. Named Brian. I think I may be giving you too much of a peek behind the curtains… There hasn’t been enough Scandinavia in AST up until now, so here’s some. Will Steve make it out alive? Will Angela get to make some sandwiches? Will Marcus see things through? Things are getting seedy… Marcus Houghton – Simon Wilson Angela Thrushmartin – Rhona Mackenwells Dr Vida Christensen – Kat Steiner Dr Tomas Christensen – Rory Morrison Steve Thrushmartin – Brian Mackenwells Henrik Bodia – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Elevators” by August Virga Sextet Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

I bet you love all those expensive comic book super hero films, don’t you? I can tell by the pyjamas your you’re wearing. Well, have you ever wondered what it’s like for the people who help them? You can’t run a crime-fighting enterprise without back room staff. Join us for the tale of some of those back room staff. There’s even an HR lady getting involved in the action. It’s the way it should be. Tally ho! Ms Banks – Anna Griffiths Gus – Jack Brougham Manisha – Sreya Rao Dr Suzie Gregory – Francesca Richards The Pink Fox / James – Dan Bond Livingcross / Tom – Charlie Vicary Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Space. A big, empty void full of nothing. That’s what the AST writers have to contend with every month. So, the easiest thing is to take someone else’s idea. PARODY! We’ve been here before with this fella, but this time he’s getting left on Mars. It’s just like a certain big budget blockbuster that came out not too long ago. But ours has an even bigger budget. And some farting. Commander Masterton / Mr Weebly – Brian Mackenwells MR CHIPS – Hannah Rackauskas Flight Technician Lucy Steers – Elena Wright Flight Engineer Harry Lim – Jamie Crowther Flight Director Owen Styles – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Woooooaaaahhhhh! Wooooooaaaaaahhhhh! Scared? Enough to make you rethink your life choices and embrace the Christmas spirit? Of course. That’s how it always works. We have gone totally Christmas Carol crazy in this episode. Get ready for mistletoe, mulled wine, carol singers and our old friend Sir Isaac Newton. It’s our gift to you. Narrator – Dan Booth Marley – Simon Wilson Lesley – Rhona Mackenwells Sir Isaac Newton – Dan Bond Science Present – Georgie Longley Science Future – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Silent Night” by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Travelling around the country is fun. And you can increase the fun by searching the airwaves to find local radio stations to listen to. The playlists, attitudes, and opinions have remained remarkably stable over the past 30 years. And that’s exactly what we all need more of in our lives. One such radio station is about to get embroiled in the evil machinations of Dr Stroiker – who, because he’s a doctor, is up to naughty science shenanigans. Obviously. That’s what they do. Come listen, friends! Terry – Mike MacDonald Lily / Howie – Dave Robertson Dr Stroiker / Roger – Matt Kirk Mr Heroman / Henry – Brian Mackenwells Lyn / Sgt Cuffs / Carl / Steve – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Breaking News AC2 Full” by Music For Your Media “Infographics Loop” by DDMYZIK Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, and due to the fact I’ve been cloned it’s very similar to the wool you already have. Ah, I love a classic nursery rhyme. Get ready for this, as there’s a lot of skulking and flashbacks. Make a good 70’s cop duo wouldn’t they? Skulking and Flashbacks – wa-a-a wa-a-a wa-a-a. Anyway, ears at the ready, and let’s get it on. George – Dan Bond Nicola – Debs McKenna Robin – Kat Steiner Guard Jones – Kirsten Summers Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org Sheep noises adapted from Sheep.com

Nemesesises’s. We all have one. Whether it’s the newsreader who always seems to be giving all the bad news DIRECTLY TO YOU, or the man whose evil plans you keep thwarting. Or that guy who’s sleeping with your girl / boyfriend. Yep. Now you know. We’ve all known for ages. Stop whatever it is you’re doing and listen to this tale of Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s greatest rival who you’ve never heard of because we just made him up. Listening to this episode is best done while dressed in period costume. Mr Parnel – Simon Wilson Diamond Letwich – Georgie Longley Mrs Parnel – Victoria Maskell Reporters – Brian Mackenwells, Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah! You recognise it don’t you? Don’t you? Come on. No it’s not that one. The other one. The one with the guy in the hat. No I can’t just tell you in case the lawyers are reading. You’ll figure it out. Join us Actioneers, as we venture between two worlds. One real, the other inside the mind of a man with a broom. You can almost taste the excitement. And it tastes like custard. Play, play, play! Darren Broom – Mike Macdonald Elicia Logan – Charvy Narain Stephen Smith / Dr Smith – Brian Mackenwells Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Heroes Confrontation” by Grégoire Lourme Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

They can’t get rid of me, you know. Do you know why? Because I know where the bodies are buried. The sweet, valuable bodies. That’s right, AST is going all dark and deathy. The best way to listen to this episode is to turn off the lights and close your eyes. Unless you’re in a car. Come with us to the strangest shop in London, where body parts sell like hot cakes and every item in the bagging area is unexpected. Stephanie Eliot – Debs McKenna Edgar Digsby – Dan Bond Jospehine Splut – Hannah Rackauskas Mr Doughty / Mr Customer – Brian Macken Mr Allen / Queuer – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

How does one make oneself a success? Is it by finding something one enjoys and making that a profession? Or by pursuing a successful profession that already exists? Frankly, we don’t know or care. We have other things to worry about. I mean, there’s another royal baby for Queen’s sake. Come now to Cambridge, where a couple of quacks are battling over the soul of a young lady who only has one letter in her name. Pile in! (Featuring a special, surprise guest at the end. Although you can spoil the surprise by reading the credits.) Delilah “Dee” Forrester – Georgie Longley Dr Andrew Johnson – Jamie Crowther Dr Patrick Donoghue – Brian Macken Isaac Newton – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Allegretto” by Arnaud Condé Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

“Satellite, satelliiiite, of looooove…” Lou Reed was, no doubt, thinking about the launch of the first satellite, Sputnik, when he wrote those seminal words in 1972 (he may have written them before 1972 of course, we just can’t say right now, and it’s irrelevant to my point). Of course, not everyone was happy about the launch of Sputnik. Telegraph operators were people of particular vision who could, no doubt, see their days were numbered. And of course there was a Space Race going on. Britain wasn’t involved in the Space Race, but as always liked to stick its nose in. A nose that is never far from a spectacular sneeze. Join some crazy Britishers in this episode, as they track Sputnik back in the oldenish times when it happened. To the dials! Stephanie Brown – Erin Burns Major Tim Strange – Dan Bond George Stewart – Simon Wilson Professor Joan McSweeney – Rhona Mackenwells James – Brian Mackenwells Andrew – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Slow Motion” from Bensound Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

If I told you to put some of your bodily fluids in a bag and send it to me, what would you say? You absolute animal. Nowadays you can do this, and some chap or chapette will tell you everything you’ve always wanted to know about your fluid’s history. One man who wants to try it is chunky Patrick. Will the results be positive for adventure? Negative for the simple life? Are you ready to find out? Let’s go… Patrick – Dave Robertson Jane – Rhona Mackenwells Leyla – Sreya Rao Henry – Brian Mackenwells Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “The Elevator Bossa Nova” from Bensound “Dei Gratia” by GingerTom Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Space exploration. When you think about it, it’s just like darts. Hurling projectiles into the dark depths hoping to get  a treble-twenty. You could get glory, or end up drinking in a pub on a Tuesday afternoon while everyone else is at work. Good place to meet NASA scientists. THEY’VE SENT A ROVER TO MARS! It will collect rocks. They always do. BUT WHAT ELSE COULD HAPPEN? Let’s program this baby for adventure. BEEP BOOP BEEP. There we go. Everyone strap in! Iain – Dan Bond Jerry – Jamie Crowther Lauren – Miriam Higgins Carter / Mars Rover – Elena Wright Harry – Dan Booth Friendly Boulder – Himself Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

The desert. Unchanged for millions of years. Yet witness to a prophecy come true. That one day, people will dig and find stuff. And some of that stuff will be interesting. Get out your shovel, scratch your beard and let’s get digging. Have we found the missing link? Do we need to? Does everything need to be linked? Things are going to get deadly… Derek – Dan Bond Harry – Rory Morrison Mike – Brian Mackenwells Alice – Kat Steiner Jade – Wendy Bradley Legolas – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org Features “The Duel” from Bensound

What things remind you of Christmas? Holly? Mince pies? Mulled wine? Crabs? Prepare to enter a new era of Christmas where we huddle around the fire and eat crabs and cranberry sauce. Of course, what we’ve done here is played on the fact there is a place called Christmas Island and there are loads of crabs there. Concepts so good they have to be explained. Come and find out what adventure lies before you this holiday season! Will Christine and Burton solve the mystery of the crabs? Do they need to? Is it that time of year already? Did you keep the receipt so I can take it back and exchange it for gift vouchers, which I’ll then sell for slightly less cash so I can blow the money on fun times? This way Christmassy creatures… Christine Kringle – Georgie Longley Burton – David Robertson The Boss – Dan Bond Rudolph – Brian Mackenwells Freddie Snowman – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects and music provided by Freesound.org

Have you been talking about me? You have, haven’t you? Behind my back! To everyone! You’ve been talking about the noise I make when I eat kippers! Never trust anyone. That’s what my financial adviser used to say. Never. Trust. Anyone. It’s easy to see how conspiracy theories take hold. They suggest there is order behind unrelenting chaos. But no, there is nothing but chaos. Come and enjoy some marginally organised chaos – Ron and Jim have been chosen to be part of the UK’s first manned space flight. But is everything as it seems?… No. Ron – Brian Mackenwells Jim – Jamie Crowther Lucy – Erin Burns Ellen – Elena Wright Halstead – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org Original music by Dan Booth

Pluto! Pluto! Here, Pluto! Pluto is a long way away, and is a barren, featureless rock. No wait, that’s Australia (just kidding, kangaroo lovers!). Some people can’t make up their minds about things. Spaciticians can’t make up their minds whether something is a planet, or a speck on their telescope. So Pluto has always provided them with a tough challenge. Is it a planet? Is it a floaty rock? Let battle commence! Alex – Brian Mackenwells Chris / waiter – Dan Bond Chairman – Dan Booth Sam – Simon Wilson Kate – Anna Griffiths Andrew / a human – David Ault Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Sex. It’s everywhere. Whilst you’re reading this there will be several incidents of sex happening nearby. Does that make you feel dirty? Well, let us cleanse you. In an audio sense. Back in the early 1900s, we didn’t really understand what made men and women different. But now we do, and thank goodness. Eh? Come and meet Tabbie Stephens, a woman ahead of her time, as she wanders in to a male-dominated world. Our world. Will she find what she’s looking for? We know you will… Tabbie Stephens – Rhona Wells Dr Arnold Walton – Brian Macken Dr Michael Howells – David Ault Linda Higgins – Victoria Maskell Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

“Excuse me?” “Yes?” “Do you have the time?” “I do. I have it written on my hand. It’s 7.30am.” “Thanks, no, wait. How do you know that’s right?” “I checked it with the speaking clock.” “Ah, excellent. Thanks.” Time is a strange thing isn’t it? I mean, you’ve just spent some of it reading this – do you feel that was a good use of time? Do you? Well, that says all it needs to about you doesn’t it. Hey! Come and listen to the latest episode, and find out more about how time has always been a strange thing. How do you get trains to run on time? Does Mussolini know? Do First Great Western know? No. Action Science Theatre knows. Mayor – Dan Bond Ruth Murray – Mary Horan Tabitha Mannis – Victoria Maskell Rosemary Stone – Wendy Bradley Station voices – Dan Bond, Brian Macken Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Pfffff. Pfffff. Pffffff. There we go. I’ve tied 37 balloons to this chair, that should be enough to get me to the moon. Here I go – and release! Oh. Why aren’t I going up? This is awkward. Now I look ridiculous. Oh well, while I untie all these balloons why don’t you settle in and take a listen to this little beauty? Do you remember Edna Egerton from Episode 2? No? Well, go back and listen to that. Okay? Right, this time we visit her a bit earlier in her career when she, like me, is messing about with balloons. Join us for racing, nudity, cheese and sky-based adventure. Let’s get it on. Edna Egerton – Ciara Kelly Lotty Lawton-Carstairs – Georgie Longley Ego O’Brien – Brian Macken Hector Moncrieff – David Ault Lady Elizabeth Stowage – Rhona Wells Simpkins – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Dive! Dive! Dive! Whoah! Exciting huh? Your heart is pounding, adrenalin courses through your veins, and your left eye twitches uncontrollably. Well calm down buddy, you can’t listen to audio drama with all that going on. Have a cup of tea and settle in for this aquatic adventure. Will they find Nemo? Will they Moby Dick? And why is severe head trauma so common in deep sea submersible vehicles? Let’s get to it. Blue – Elena Wright Chris Ellis – Dan Bond Michael Stone – Jamie Crowther Erica Holden – Tara Clarke Josephine Heller – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day. It would certainly help the retail industry. Talking of which, this one’s set in a shop. No ordinary shop though, one of those special Christmas shops that spring up everywhere and then disappear again like Shangri la. But better because you can buy tinsel. Join Michael and Leon, the dynamic management team, as they use brains and brawn to help their team out of a snowy predicament. Will they turn the muzak off? Will they get out alive? And will they explain how to make explosives out of household items? Let’s get to it, ho, ho, ho… Michael – David Ault Leon – Brian Macken Lizzie – Kirsten Summers Jo – Victoria Maskell Linda – Wendy Bradley Narrator, old man – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org Music: “Silent Night” (Annie Hiller) / CC BY 3.0

Libraries are a great place for a snooze. You can stash yourself away in a quiet section (say, computer programming languages, pre-1990) and get yourself a good 20 minutes kip without being disturbed. And you can keep that tip for free. But the life of a librarian isn’t all shushing people and cleaning up sleepy drool. Sometimes (really not very often, mind) it can mean excitement and adventure (hardly at all in fact). Join Ruth Fletcher and her Dr Watson, Carla Bryson, as they attempt to introduce someone to the term “overdue”. Come this way my pretties, come this way… Ruth Fletcher – Rhona Wells Carla Bryson – Kat Steiner Nick Stewart – Rory Morrison Gardener, George Larson – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

“We are pleased to present a guest episode of Action Science Theatre created especially for LabLit.com!” LabLit.com If you could travel back in time and bring anyone back to the modern day, who would it be? Our choice? We’d leave them where they were, but suggest more people wear hats. Very tall hats. A lot of you would probably say Shakespeare, but, well, that’s you isn’t it? Predictable. And slightly shifty looking. Join us for a special episode created just for our friends at LabLit.com. It has the answers to everything, and so much more. What is Parkin? Who has the best carpets? And, of course, which is better; art or science? Check, check, check, check it out. Scientist – Brian Macken William Shakespeare – Dan Booth Isaac Newton – Dan Bond Written by Dan Booth, Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Na na na na na, na na na… WAIT! They have trigger-happy lawyers. Stop that. So this episode is about a spy. A spy who likes girls and drinking. But isn’t like any other spy character who likes those things. Oh no. It’s really a tribute to… No… No it isn’t a tribute to anything. Nothing to see here. Move along. Join Norton Chambers as he gets kicked out of University and goes off to make a load of money. Like we all do. Except Norton gets himself mixed up in a heap of trouble. Will he make it through this adventure alive? Will you listen to the whole theme tune without skipping it? What did happen in the lifeboat? This way my dears, this way… Mason Porter – David Ault Dr Miles Nairdowell / Passer-by – Calum Mitchell Norton Chambers – Brian Macken Dean – Dan Bond Holly Standout – Georgie Longley Casino dealer / Guard – Ciara Kelly Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Somewhere, in a field in Wales… Some Nobel-prize-winning scientists have arrived at a science conference to share their knowledge. But it isn’t a conference. It’s a festival. With dirty people and music. And what’s more, they’ve lost their Nobel prizes. Which goes to show anyone can disappoint you given a long enough timescale. Will they find their medals? Which food vans will the cast visit with their free meal tickets? Will everyone get sprayed with acid? Go, go go! Then go some more! Tony Thompson – Dan Bond Nicola Martel – Rhona Wells Timandra Holt – Kirsten Summers Dave / Concert-goer / Other concert-goer – Brian Macken Audience – Themselves Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

In space, no one can hear ice cream. But then no one can hear it on Earth either. Unless it’s being fed to a noisy child. So, I bet you were all wondering the same thing we were: what if Commander Hadfield had been, rather than a lovely man, a bit of a dick? Well, now’s your chance to find out. Come aboard the ISS (International Space Station for those out of the know) and find out what it’s like to live and work in space. Can the crew survive? Will anyone get naked? Will the visual jokes work in audio? Houston, we have a podcast… “…an endless stream of excruciating puns, allusions to space series of the past (addicts of Star Trek and Space 1999 might find the podcast especially nostalgic), with the odd fart joke thrown in for good measure…” Radio Drama Reviews Online Commander Masterton – Brian Macken Flight Engineer Louise Patterson – Mary Horan Flight Engineer Vanya Fuzyk – Holly Bathie Mission Control – Hannah Rackauskas Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Public domain recording of The Blue Danube Waltz courtesy of Public Domain Audio Video Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Do you know what you are? Do you? Do you really? Do you want me to tell you? Right now? To your face? You… You… YOU… Are an AST listener! Well done. Wise choice. The Internabbly Pobbly of Zoomebumly Nomenclammy-wammy (or something, you’ll have to listen to someone competent saying it) sounds like a fun place to work. That must be why Kate has signed up. Join her on her first day and meet Douglas, Nick and, of course, certain danger. Will they discover the secrets of Scarborough? Will the disembodied voice tell them about special offers available near the till? Will anything ever be tidy again? Don’t just sit there, find out… Kate – Kirsten Summers Douglas – Jon Viner Nick – Dan Bond Recorded voice – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

All together now… “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday AST, happy birthday to you!” Well done, excellent work. A particularly good range of tenors amongst you. AST is 1 year old! (Okay, not quite. Obviously we didn’t start with an episode zero though. Shut it maths people.) To celebrate we have this special episode that features us playing ourselves! Although not until the end. So hang on in there for that. Can Jimmy win back some credibility from the scientific community? Can he win back any kind of respect? And where did Gene Roddenberry come from? Stop asking, start listening… Jimmy, Mike, Science Brian – Brian Macken Debs – Miriam Higgins Anne, Mona Lisa – Rhona Wells Art, Christopher Columbus, Smethley – Matt Kirk Commentator, Sailor, Gene Roddenberry, Action Dan – Dan Bond Producer Dan – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

We know 3 facts about the Antarctic: It’s cold They have penguins Penguins tend to poop everywhere Into this icy, poop-covered wasteland comes Bill Chesham – a man seeking quiet isolation. Instead, he’s in for the adventure of a lifetime. Will Bill find out what the clanging sound is? Who solved the Rubik’s Cube? And what sound do penguins make? Find out now… Bill Chesham – Dan Bond Sailor, Helpful Penguin, Andrew – David Ault Sandra – Kirsten Summers Melissa – Elena Wright Ian – Jamie Crowther Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Anyone who knows the AST crew personally may have noticed a cock-sure swagger that they seem to conduct themselves with these days. It’s the confidence that only comes from doing almost a year of audio drama podcasts. Recently we decided to harness this power and put it to work. So we entered a competition. (In case you were wondering, we didn’t win. Or come in the top 3. Which obviously means it’s brilliant, but misunderstood.) And here we make available to you, our sophisticated audience, our entry for this competition: War of the Cotswolds. What do you do if your budget’s been cut, your marking isn’t finished, you’ve run out of biscuits, and aliens land in the playing field? Time to find out… Herbert “Spadger” Watkins  – Dan Bond Terry “It Must Be Alive” Smythe – Brian Macken Gareth “Epic Fail” McPhail – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond, Brian Macken & Dan Booth Produced by Dan Booth Original music by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! There are no pirates in this episode. Let’s get that out of the way first up. What have pirates ever done for science? Other than contributions to cartography, and encouraging people to bury important things. It took ages to find Newton’s Principia I understand. Join the crew of the scientific research vessel HMS Treasure, as they tackle some big issues: gambling, cross-dressing and musical talent. Get downloading. Ye scurvy dogs. Captain Cuse  – Calum Mitchell First Officer Ricks – Brian Macken Mr Green – Matt Kirk Mr Banks – Dan Bond First Crewman – Tara Clarke Second Crewman – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org Music: “Der Mond ist aufgegangen” (Thomas Bergen) / CC BY 3.0 “New aloha oe” (banjo980) / CC BY-NC 3.0

How much does a kilogram of feathers weigh? Did you say 1 kilogram? If you didn’t, you may need some help using that electronic device you’re reading this on. Sneaky people are after it. Not the feathers, the kilogram. The original. Which is in a vault in France for safe keeping. And these are no ordinary sneaky people; they have skills. Will they get away with it? Will we? The con is on. Brown – Miriam Higgins Dr Chandler, passerby, security guard – David Ault Nelson Thomas – Jamie Crowther Juliet – Georgie Longley Scarlet – Rhona Wells Dealer, secretary – Dan Bond Policeman – Brian Macken Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

What? What do you mean there’s no such thing as time travel? Sorry? No, you’re breaking up. Can’t hear a word. Join us, Actioneers, for another slice of adventure beyond the lens of the microscope. Steve and Patrick are friends that work in an office. Much like most of you are. But they’re about to be whisked away on the escapade of a lifetime. Unlike most of you. Will they get to eat all the Hob Nobs? What did Adolf Hitler sound like? And were there gay policeman in Victorian London? The podcast, listen to the podcast, do it, do it… Steve – Mark Pritchard Patrick – Jack Brougham The Time Artist – Brian Macken The Time Maiden, Office lady – Wendy Bradley Hitler, Policeman, Security Guard – Matt Kirk Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

How do you confuse Prof Brian Cox? Put him in the Large Hadron Collider and tell him to stand in the corner. Sal is a gumshoe. That means everyone wants to slap him. His old flame Mabel needs some help, there’s been a murder at the LHC. Will Sal solve the case? Will they find any Bosons at all? Shouldn’t they all have French or German accents? It’s in Switzerland for goodness sake. Take the plunge, intrepid adventurers… Sal – Matt Kirk Mabel – Elena Wright Scarlet Astor – Amy Wackett Sam Butler – Dan Bond Frankie the security guy – Jamie Crowther One of the boys in the lab – Brian Macken Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Jingle bells, science smells, dum dum dum der der… Science and Christmas, natural enemies right? Wrong. There was a time when science saved Christmas. And this is that story. Join Wolf Bilkington and Kipp Faero as they journey across the North Pole, and have a very surprising encounter. Will Santa survive the ordeal? Will the reindeer? Will any of us? You know what to do… Wolf Bilkington – Brian Macken Kipp Faero – Sreya Rao Pecknose – Mary Horan Santa – Jack Brougham Scratchfoot – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

In 1911 a crack team of physicists from around the world assembled in the unheard-of town of Brussels in darkest Belgium. This was the first Solvay conference. Among these know-it-alls were little-known scienticians Albert Einstein and Marie Curie (aglow with her success). This much Wikipedia will tell you. But now Action Science Theatre presents the untold story of this great moment in science history. Will Einstein and Curie end up together? Where exactly is everyone supposed to be from? And what is rumbling in that cage? Find out now! Einstein – Matt Kirk Marie Curie – Rhona Wells Irene Curie – Sreya Rao Robin/Front Desk Lady – Wendy Bradley Solvay – Dan Bond Korb – Jack Brougham Radio Newsreader – Brian Macken Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Some people seek truth, some seek justice, others seek the adulation of others to feed their egos. One such person has come to the globally recognised phenomenon of Science Showoff, with a presentation to wow the crowd. But two unknown gun-persons have other ideas. Will he survive? Will the cast remember to speak into the microphone? Will anyone enjoy the experience? There’s only one way to find out! Recorded live at Science Showoff at the Wilmington Arms, London on the 2nd October 2012. Presenter – Brian Macken Red Assassin – Rhona Wells Blue Assassin – Dan Bond Sound effects created by random members of the Science Showoff audience Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth

Michael and Evan are doctors. Not good doctors, but doctors nonetheless. They’re on their way to Edinburgh on the Caledonian Sleeper for a conference, to talk about doctory things, when a mysterious illness breaks out. Will they make it to Edinburgh? Will they ever get to stop running? When will they call last orders at the bar? Find out now! Dr Michael Daly – Jamie Crowther Dr Evan Callum – Brian Macken Lily – Miriam Higgins Mary – Wendy Bradley Zombies / Not Zombies – All the above plus Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Greg Brown is a paleontologist, a paleontologist who specialises in bar chart colours and theories that upset small children. Join him and his friend Eloise Burke, and Detective Inspector Lynn Weyland-Smith as they try to stop Professor Zorbo and his pet Ninja from making Greg the next species to become extinct. Greg Brown – Dan Bond Detective Inspector Lynn Weyland-Smith – Elena Wright Eloise Burke – Amy Wackett Professor Zorbo / Ninja / Police Officer – Brian Macken Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org, TheRecordist.com and FreeSFX

Sir Charles Daly-Humbert, the British Empire’s greatest gentleman biologist, has just received a worrying letter from his brother Sir Duncan Daly-Humbert, the British Empire’s greatest gentleman explorer. What’s going on? How are swans involved? Will the accents sustain? Listen and find out! Sir Charles Daly-Humbert – Brian Macken Edna Egerton – Ciara Kelly Tobius / Hotel Clerk – Jim Emery Joan S. Livingcross – Maegan Reed Virginie – Sreya Rao Sir Duncan Daly-Humbert – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond, Brian Macken & Dan Booth Produced by Dan Booth Original music by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org and TheRecordist.com

Join Jane Grey, and her erstwhile sidekick, Jasper, as they try to ensure Jane submits her PhD whilst being pursued by murderous cultists! “With its roots in the kind of caper films and/or radio plays popular in the 1930s and 1940s, Jane Grey: Action Mathematician proves diverting entertainment, even if the plot is a tad far-fetched.” Radio Drama Reviews Online Jane Grey – Sreya Rao Jasper – Dan Bond Bernard / Dodgson – Matt Kirk Secretary / Spoon – Brian Macken Leader – Rhona Wells Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org and Soundjay.com