Action Science Theatre

The Natural History Museum – a fine institution full of dusty, dead things. A bit like the House of Lords. Satire.

But how do you get into the Museum’s collections? Win a raffle? The X Factor? Who knows?

One man who hopes he does is Douglas Smith. Will he get his shrew past the tough entry criteria? Will he die at the hands of a psychotic doorman? Let’s find out!

Tom Thomas – Dan Bond
Douglas Smith – Matt Kirk
Alexander Twitch / Fred – Brian Mackenwells
Lady Elstree Loudmouse – Francesca Richards
Betty Boxer / Market Trader – Anna Trapmore
Billy Block / Doorman – Simon Wilson

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Things haven’t always been fair at Christmas. In the old days, before the Snapchat, some people didn’t get everything they wanted.

Women. They haven’t always had it easy. But there are some who fight for their rights! And there’s no better time to do it than when the nights draw in and those shops open that only sell pointless gadgets.

Grab yourself a mince pie, loosen your clothing, punch a reindeer, and listen to this eggy slice of audio fluff. Merry Christmas!

Dr Henry Keys – Jamie Crowther
Annabel – Elena Wright
Elizabeth Thomas – Anna Wilson
Nathaniel Thomas – Brian Mackenwells
Patricia – Rhona Mackenwells
Lydia – Debs Mckenna

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Ooh be do. I want to be like you. I want to walk like you, talk like you. Ooooh.

Modelling yourself after successful people can have ups and downs. For every “being open to new ideas” there’s a “wake every morning at 4am”.

If only King Louie understood that.

Of course this is unrelated to our next episode which is about gibbon hunting. I don’t know why. Perhaps they know where the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre is?

Join us! Hear the most convincing gibbon impression you will ever hear! Encounter romance! Feel confused!

Professor Edwards – Dan Bond
Professor Martin – Charlie Vicary
Dr Holt – Georgie Longley
Dr Baxter – Steve Pritchard
Anusha Sharma – Sreya Rao
Alex Thomas – Jack Brougham
Gibbon – Michaela Livingstone-Banks (world’s leading gibbon call expert)

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Aaaaaaaachoo! Oof. Sorry about that. I really must stop rubbing my face with things I’m allergic to. Like cats.

Of course scientists are doing their best to cure us of diseases – and to do this they like to stick things in our crevices.

Get ready for international travel! Animals! And lots of hot nose action!

Lie back and think of the bacteria…

Alex – Dan Booth
Scott – Brian Mackenwells
Merlin – Dan Bond

Written by Dan Booth, Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

The 1980s. Cool music, solid haircuts, adventurous films and neoliberalism. Everything a decade should be.

And it was when the big, successful computer companies started their rise. And not only the successful ones.

Join us to for a story of the also-rans. The followers. The failures. The Great British computer companies.

Chris Sessions – Brian Mackenwells
Anna Sessions – Rhona Mackenwells
Wendy King – Wendy Bradley
Aaron Spector – Dan Bond
Voice over – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Guns. Dangerous things. Well, one end is. Really as long as you’re not standing in front of the little bit on the front you’ll be okay. They never point that out in gun statistics do they? What about all the people who were BEHIND the gun?

Having established that guns are safe, let’s use one to fire people to space! Woo! This is a great idea. Nothing can go wrong. Time for a warm audio ear bath. Dive in.

Doc Daring – Dan Bond
Annie Mosey – Francesca Richards
Lady Joyce Gregory – Erin Burns
Professor Ian Locke – Charlie Vicary
Amelia Nelson – Georgie Longley
General Haystack – Steve Pritchard
Nelson – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Scientists. What are they like, eh?

Not content with filling the world with “facts” and “ideas” they’re also very fond of weird experiments. One minute you’re waiting for the 49 bus, the next you’re being attacked by a murderous fog that’s escaped from a laboratory.

They also like removing and adding brains to things. And has that ever led to anything good? No. Well, that run is about to continue. Stick your ears right into this pile of noises, my friends.

Dr Giovanni Anzelmo – Brian Mackenwells
Inspector George Parr – Mike Macdonald
Igor – Pamela Linnen
Shoe Shine Mary / Frank – Debs McKenna
Gisella Anzelmo – Wendy Bradley

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

BOOM!

I love mushrooms. They’re a tasty and healthy alternative to meat. And they’re great fried in butter, like so many things in life.

But what about mushroom clouds? They don’t taste so good in garlic and breadcrumbs.

How about an adventure about them though? That’s something you’d like isn’t it? Well, here you are. Sort of.

Mind the Russian accents. Keep your hands inside the car. Away we go!

Stanley – Dan Bond
Carter – Jamie Crowther
Ms Clarke – Victoria Maskell
Ethel – Elena Wright
Richard / Sheriff / Corporal – Simon Wilson

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Pie charts. Not as fattening as the name suggests. They’ve been miscommunicating information for a long time now, and baffling people with their unnecessary 3D effects.

Of course the reason we have them at all is down to the ‘lady with the lamp’. She was always working in the dark which explains the bright default colours used on charts in Excel.

Regress with us now as if you’re in some fever dream, and experience the horrors of the Crimea war with a little bit of sauciness thrown in. And don’t come crying to us when you get trench foot.

Florence Nightingale – Francesca Richards
Anne Hatherley – Debs McKenna
Ethel Lewisham – Anna Griffiths
Dr Hiscox – Dan Booth
Dr Bunting / Private Martin – Brian Mackenwells
Corporal Talks / Clerk – Dan Bond

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Wait, 2 counter-clockwise turns off the upper-level should… No… 3 clockwise rotations of the left-most sector will… No.

We all hate Rubik’s cubes. Hate them completely and utterly. More than life itself. But there are some total weirdos who do like them.

Join some of these fine people as they grapple with lining up little coloured squares, AND some of life’s biggest challenges.

Not everything is as it seems…

Buster – Dan Bond
Max / Max2 – Jack Brougham
Anya – Sreya Rao
Charles – Mike Macdonald
Harold – Charlie Vicary
Principal – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Have you ever had one of those friends? You know the type, will get you into trouble and then disappear when the going gets tough. Irish. Co-writer of the podcast you make. Named Brian. I think I may be giving you too much of a peek behind the curtains…

There hasn’t been enough Scandinavia in AST up until now, so here’s some. Will Steve make it out alive? Will Angela get to make some sandwiches? Will Marcus see things through? Things are getting seedy…

Marcus Houghton – Simon Wilson
Angela Thrushmartin – Rhona Mackenwells
Dr Vida Christensen – Kat Steiner
Dr Tomas Christensen – Rory Morrison
Steve Thrushmartin – Brian Mackenwells
Henrik Bodia – Dan Bond

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

I bet you love all those expensive comic book super hero films, don’t you? I can tell by the pyjamas your you’re wearing. Well, have you ever wondered what it’s like for the people who help them? You can’t run a crime-fighting enterprise without back room staff.

Join us for the tale of some of those back room staff. There’s even an HR lady getting involved in the action. It’s the way it should be. Tally ho!

Ms Banks – Anna Griffiths
Gus – Jack Brougham
Manisha – Sreya Rao
Dr Suzie Gregory – Francesca Richards
The Pink Fox / James – Dan Bond
Livingcross / Tom – Charlie Vicary

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Space. A big, empty void full of nothing. That’s what the AST writers have to contend with every month. So, the easiest thing is to take someone else’s idea. PARODY!

Woooooaaaahhhhh! Wooooooaaaaaahhhhh! Scared? Enough to make you rethink your life choices and embrace the Christmas spirit? Of course. That’s how it always works.

We have gone totally Christmas Carol crazy in this episode. Get ready for mistletoe, mulled wine, carol singers and our old friend Sir Isaac Newton. It’s our gift to you.

Narrator – Dan Booth
Marley – Simon Wilson
Lesley – Rhona Mackenwells
Sir Isaac Newton – Dan Bond
Science Present – Georgie Longley
Science Future – Wendy Bradley

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Travelling around the country is fun. And you can increase the fun by searching the airwaves to find local radio stations to listen to. The playlists, attitudes, and opinions have remained remarkably stable over the past 30 years. And that’s exactly what we all need more of in our lives.

One such radio station is about to get embroiled in the evil machinations of Dr Stroiker – who, because he’s a doctor, is up to naughty science shenanigans. Obviously. That’s what they do. Come listen, friends!

Terry – Mike MacDonald
Lily / Howie – Dave Robertson
Dr Stroiker / Roger – Matt Kirk
Mr Heroman / Henry – Brian Mackenwells
Lyn / Sgt Cuffs / Carl / Steve – Dan Bond

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, and due to the fact I’ve been cloned it’s very similar to the wool you already have. Ah, I love a classic nursery rhyme.

Get ready for this, as there’s a lot of skulking and flashbacks. Make a good 70’s cop duo wouldn’t they? Skulking and Flashbacks – wa-a-a wa-a-a wa-a-a. Anyway, ears at the ready, and let’s get it on.

George – Dan Bond
Nicola – Debs McKenna
Robin – Kat Steiner
Guard Jones – Kirsten Summers

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Nemesesises’s. We all have one. Whether it’s the newsreader who always seems to be giving all the bad news DIRECTLY TO YOU, or the man whose evil plans you keep thwarting. Or that guy who’s sleeping with your girl / boyfriend. Yep. Now you know. We’ve all known for ages.

Stop whatever it is you’re doing and listen to this tale of Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s greatest rival who you’ve never heard of because we just made him up. Listening to this episode is best done while dressed in period costume.

Mr Parnel – Simon Wilson
Diamond Letwich – Georgie Longley
Mrs Parnel – Victoria Maskell
Reporters – Brian Mackenwells, Dan Bond

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah!

You recognise it don’t you? Don’t you? Come on. No it’s not that one. The other one. The one with the guy in the hat. No I can’t just tell you in case the lawyers are reading. You’ll figure it out.

Join us Actioneers, as we venture between two worlds. One real, the other inside the mind of a man with a broom. You can almost taste the excitement. And it tastes like custard. Play, play, play!

Darren Broom – Mike Macdonald
Elicia Logan – Charvy Narain
Stephen Smith / Dr Smith – Brian Mackenwells

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

They can’t get rid of me, you know. Do you know why? Because I know where the bodies are buried. The sweet, valuable bodies.

That’s right, AST is going all dark and deathy. The best way to listen to this episode is to turn off the lights and close your eyes. Unless you’re in a car.

Come with us to the strangest shop in London, where body parts sell like hot cakes and every item in the bagging area is unexpected.

Stephanie Eliot – Debs McKenna
Edgar Digsby – Dan Bond
Jospehine Splut – Hannah Rackauskas
Mr Doughty / Mr Customer – Brian Macken
Mr Allen / Queuer – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

How does one make oneself a success? Is it by finding something one enjoys and making that a profession? Or by pursuing a successful profession that already exists?

Frankly, we don’t know or care. We have other things to worry about. I mean, there’s another royal baby for Queen’s sake.

Come now to Cambridge, where a couple of quacks are battling over the soul of a young lady who only has one letter in her name. Pile in!

(Featuring a special, surprise guest at the end. Although you can spoil the surprise by reading the credits.)

Delilah “Dee” Forrester – Georgie Longley
Dr Andrew Johnson – Jamie Crowther
Dr Patrick Donoghue – Brian Macken
Isaac Newton – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

“Satellite, satelliiiite, of looooove…” Lou Reed was, no doubt, thinking about the launch of the first satellite, Sputnik, when he wrote those seminal words in 1972 (he may have written them before 1972 of course, we just can’t say right now, and it’s irrelevant to my point).

Of course, not everyone was happy about the launch of Sputnik. Telegraph operators were people of particular vision who could, no doubt, see their days were numbered. And of course there was a Space Race going on.

Britain wasn’t involved in the Space Race, but as always liked to stick its nose in. A nose that is never far from a spectacular sneeze. Join some crazy Britishers in this episode, as they track Sputnik back in the oldenish times when it happened. To the dials!

Stephanie Brown – Erin Burns
Major Tim Strange – Dan Bond
George Stewart – Simon Wilson
Professor Joan McSweeney – Rhona Mackenwells
James – Brian Mackenwells
Andrew – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

If I told you to put some of your bodily fluids in a bag and send it to me, what would you say? You absolute animal.

Nowadays you can do this, and some chap or chapette will tell you everything you’ve always wanted to know about your fluid’s history. One man who wants to try it is chunky Patrick.

Will the results be positive for adventure? Negative for the simple life? Are you ready to find out? Let’s go…

Patrick – Dave Robertson
Jane – Rhona Mackenwells
Leyla – Sreya Rao
Henry – Brian Mackenwells

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Space exploration. When you think about it, it’s just like darts. Hurling projectiles into the dark depths hoping to get  a treble-twenty. You could get glory, or end up drinking in a pub on a Tuesday afternoon while everyone else is at work. Good place to meet NASA scientists.

THEY’VE SENT A ROVER TO MARS! It will collect rocks. They always do. BUT WHAT ELSE COULD HAPPEN? Let’s program this baby for adventure. BEEP BOOP BEEP. There we go. Everyone strap in!

Iain – Dan Bond
Jerry – Jamie Crowther
Lauren – Miriam Higgins
Carter / Mars Rover – Elena Wright
Harry – Dan Booth
Friendly Boulder – Himself

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

The desert. Unchanged for millions of years. Yet witness to a prophecy come true. That one day, people will dig and find stuff. And some of that stuff will be interesting.

Get out your shovel, scratch your beard and let’s get digging. Have we found the missing link? Do we need to? Does everything need to be linked? Things are going to get deadly…

Derek – Dan Bond
Harry – Rory Morrison
Mike – Brian Mackenwells
Alice – Kat Steiner
Jade – Wendy Bradley
Legolas – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

What things remind you of Christmas? Holly? Mince pies? Mulled wine? Crabs?

Prepare to enter a new era of Christmas where we huddle around the fire and eat crabs and cranberry sauce. Of course, what we’ve done here is played on the fact there is a place called Christmas Island and there are loads of crabs there. Concepts so good they have to be explained.

Come and find out what adventure lies before you this holiday season! Will Christine and Burton solve the mystery of the crabs? Do they need to? Is it that time of year already? Did you keep the receipt so I can take it back and exchange it for gift vouchers, which I’ll then sell for slightly less cash so I can blow the money on fun times? This way Christmassy creatures…

Christine Kringle – Georgie Longley
Burton – David Robertson
The Boss – Dan Bond
Rudolph – Brian Mackenwells
Freddie Snowman – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Have you been talking about me? You have, haven’t you? Behind my back! To everyone! You’ve been talking about the noise I make when I eat kippers! Never trust anyone. That’s what my financial adviser used to say. Never. Trust. Anyone.

It’s easy to see how conspiracy theories take hold. They suggest there is order behind unrelenting chaos. But no, there is nothing but chaos.

Come and enjoy some marginally organised chaos – Ron and Jim have been chosen to be part of the UK’s first manned space flight. But is everything as it seems?…

No.

Ron – Brian Mackenwells
Jim – Jamie Crowther
Lucy – Erin Burns
Ellen – Elena Wright
Halstead – Dan Booth

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells

Produced by Dan Booth

Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Pfffff. Pfffff. Pffffff. There we go. I’ve tied 37 balloons to this chair, that should be enough to get me to the moon.

Here I go – and release! Oh. Why aren’t I going up? This is awkward. Now I look ridiculous. Oh well, while I untie all these balloons why don’t you settle in and take a listen to this little beauty?

Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day.

It would certainly help the retail industry.

Talking of which, this one’s set in a shop. No ordinary shop though, one of those special Christmas shops that spring up everywhere and then disappear again like Shangri la. But better because you can buy tinsel.

Join Michael and Leon, the dynamic management team, as they use brains and brawn to help their team out of a snowy predicament. Will they turn the muzak off? Will they get out alive? And will they explain how to make explosives out of household items? Let’s get to it, ho, ho, ho…

Michael – David Ault
Leon – Brian Macken
Lizzie – Kirsten Summers
Jo – Victoria Maskell
Linda – Wendy Bradley
Narrator, old man – Dan Bond

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

In space, no one can hear ice cream. But then no one can hear it on Earth either. Unless it’s being fed to a noisy child.

So, I bet you were all wondering the same thing we were: what if Commander Hadfield had been, rather than a lovely man, a bit of a dick? Well, now’s your chance to find out.

Come aboard the ISS (International Space Station for those out of the know) and find out what it’s like to live and work in space. Can the crew survive? Will anyone get naked? Will the visual jokes work in audio? Houston, we have a podcast…

Anyone who knows the AST crew personally may have noticed a cock-sure swagger that they seem to conduct themselves with these days. It’s the confidence that only comes from doing almost a year of audio drama podcasts.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!

There are no pirates in this episode. Let’s get that out of the way first up. What have pirates ever done for science? Other than contributions to cartography, and encouraging people to bury important things. It took ages to find Newton’s Principia I understand.

Join the crew of the scientific research vessel HMS Treasure, as they tackle some big issues: gambling, cross-dressing and musical talent. Get downloading. Ye scurvy dogs.

Captain Cuse  – Calum Mitchell
First Officer Ricks – Brian Macken
Mr Green – Matt Kirk
Mr Banks – Dan Bond
First Crewman – Tara Clarke
Second Crewman – Wendy Bradley

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Music:

How much does a kilogram of feathers weigh? Did you say 1 kilogram? If you didn’t, you may need some help using that electronic device you’re reading this on.

Sneaky people are after it. Not the feathers, the kilogram. The original. Which is in a vault in France for safe keeping. And these are no ordinary sneaky people; they have skills. Will they get away with it? Will we? The con is on.

Brown – Miriam Higgins

Dr Chandler, passerby, security guard – David Ault

Nelson Thomas – Jamie Crowther

Juliet – Georgie Longley

Scarlet – Rhona Wells

Dealer, secretary – Dan Bond

Policeman – Brian Macken

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

What? What do you mean there’s no such thing as time travel? Sorry? No, you’re breaking up. Can’t hear a word.

Join us, Actioneers, for another slice of adventure beyond the lens of the microscope. Steve and Patrick are friends that work in an office. Much like most of you are. But they’re about to be whisked away on the escapade of a lifetime. Unlike most of you. Will they get to eat all the Hob Nobs? What did Adolf Hitler sound like? And were there gay policeman in Victorian London? The podcast, listen to the podcast, do it, do it…

Steve – Mark Pritchard

Patrick – Jack Brougham

The Time Artist – Brian Macken

The Time Maiden, Office lady – Wendy Bradley

Hitler, Policeman, Security Guard – Matt Kirk

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

How do you confuse Prof Brian Cox? Put him in the Large Hadron Collider and tell him to stand in the corner.

Sal is a gumshoe. That means everyone wants to slap him. His old flame Mabel needs some help, there’s been a murder at the LHC. Will Sal solve the case? Will they find any Bosons at all? Shouldn’t they all have French or German accents? It’s in Switzerland for goodness sake. Take the plunge, intrepid adventurers…

Sal – Matt Kirk

Mabel – Elena Wright

Scarlet Astor – Amy Wackett

Sam Butler – Dan Bond

Frankie the security guy – Jamie Crowther

One of the boys in the lab – Brian Macken

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

Jingle bells, science smells, dum dum dum der der… Science and Christmas, natural enemies right? Wrong. There was a time when science saved Christmas. And this is that story. Join Wolf Bilkington and Kipp Faero as they journey across the North Pole, and have a very surprising encounter. Will Santa survive the ordeal? Will the reindeer? Will any of us? You know what to do…

Wolf Bilkington – Brian Macken

Kipp Faero – Sreya Rao

Pecknose – Mary Horan

Santa – Jack Brougham

Scratchfoot – Wendy Bradley

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

In 1911 a crack team of physicists from around the world assembled in the unheard-of town of Brussels in darkest Belgium. This was the first Solvay conference. Among these know-it-alls were little-known scienticians Albert Einstein and Marie Curie (aglow with her success). This much Wikipedia will tell you. But now Action Science Theatre presents the untold story of this great moment in science history. Will Einstein and Curie end up together? Where exactly is everyone supposed to be from? And what is rumbling in that cage? Find out now!

Einstein – Matt Kirk

Marie Curie – Rhona Wells

Irene Curie – Sreya Rao

Robin/Front Desk Lady – Wendy Bradley

Solvay – Dan Bond

Korb – Jack Brougham

Radio Newsreader – Brian Macken

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

Some people seek truth, some seek justice, others seek the adulation of others to feed their egos. One such person has come to the globally recognised phenomenon of Science Showoff, with a presentation to wow the crowd. But two unknown gun-persons have other ideas. Will he survive? Will the cast remember to speak into the microphone? Will anyone enjoy the experience? There’s only one way to find out!

Michael and Evan are doctors. Not good doctors, but doctors nonetheless. They’re on their way to Edinburgh on the Caledonian Sleeper for a conference, to talk about doctory things, when a mysterious illness breaks out. Will they make it to Edinburgh? Will they ever get to stop running? When will they call last orders at the bar? Find out now!

Dr Michael Daly – Jamie Crowther
Dr Evan Callum – Brian Macken
Lily – Miriam Higgins
Mary – Wendy Bradley
Zombies / Not Zombies – All the above plus Dan Bond

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth

Greg Brown is a paleontologist, a paleontologist who specialises in bar chart colours and theories that upset small children. Join him and his friend Eloise Burke, and Detective Inspector Lynn Weyland-Smith as they try to stop Professor Zorbo and his pet Ninja from making Greg the next species to become extinct.

Greg Brown – Dan Bond
Detective Inspector Lynn Weyland-Smith – Elena Wright
Eloise Burke – Amy Wackett
Professor Zorbo / Ninja / Police Officer – Brian Macken

Written by Dan Bond & Brian Macken

Produced by Dan Booth