When "Choice" Doesn't Feel Like a Choice, an interview about TFMR with Adelyn's Mom Alyssa by As Long As I'm Living, rebuilding our Happier Ever Afters after infant loss (SIDS)

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

In this episode, we talk about how we keep Quinn and Aiden alive in our hearts and homes. This is one of the ways that we continue to parent our boys, and it feels like an important part of our life's work to make sure their memory doesn't die with them.

Do you have a special way or ways you include your baby in your life? We'd love to hear about it!

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Aiden's grave suncatchers

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at ⁠@aslongasimlivingpodcast⁠, send us an email at ⁠aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com⁠, or visit us at ⁠anchor.fm/aslongasimliving⁠! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Resilience is a Muscle

We'd like to be a little less strong, but unfortunately we are still flexing our resilience muscles every single day.

We're heading into whatever fresh hell this new week has in store for us, armed with antidepressants, candles, and the new perspective granted to us by the loss. Join us!

P.S. The internet was not our friend during this recording. Apologies for the pure chaos that unfolds as we tried to record a simple life update!

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Judith's anxiety meditation

- Ten Percent Happier app (Alina's link - 30 days free!)

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at ⁠@aslongasimlivingpodcast⁠, send us an email at ⁠aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com⁠, or visit us at ⁠anchor.fm/aslongasimliving⁠! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

The Dead Teach the Living, more about infant autopsy and death investigation with Ephina and Caroline

"Mortui Vivos Docent" is Latin for the Dead Teach the Living, and it's also the TikTok handle of autopsy tech (and first responder) Ephina Disinger.

We are joined again today by Ephina and her coworker and friend chief deputy coroner Caroline Hanau. If you missed our first interview with Ephina and Caroline, you can find it here.

We have included an explicit content warning at the beginning of this episode, which we never do, because not everyone wants to hear about the ins and outs of dissecting a dead body. Please take good care of yourself and only listen if this interests you (as it does us), and remember that you can stop listening at any time.

You can find Ephina on TikTok.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- The Last Responders, part one of our interview with Ephina and Caroline

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at ⁠@aslongasimlivingpodcast⁠, send us an email at ⁠aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com⁠, or visit us at ⁠anchor.fm/aslongasimliving⁠! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Pop Quiz! All About As Long As I'm Living (Happy Anniversary to Us!)

How many guests have we hosted on As Long As I'm Living podcast? What is the only US state that we've never had a listener from? What is the name of the episodes where we talk about body image, grief in the media, or traveling while bereaved?

We quiz each other on these questions, and many more, in this special anniversary episode of As Long As I'm Living podcast! We're so glad you're here.

:::

You can find all of the old episodes we talk about HERE!

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at ⁠@aslongasimlivingpodcast⁠, send us an email at ⁠aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com⁠, or visit us at ⁠anchor.fm/aslongasimliving⁠! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

The Last Responders, an interview about infant death investigation with Ephina and Caroline

We are joined today by paramedic and autopsy technician Ephina Disinger and her coworker and friend chief deputy coroner Caroline Hanau.

If you had told us 3 years ago that we'd be interviewing experts in infant autopsy after our sons' sudden deaths... well, we wouldn't believe you. But we can't tell you just how HEALING this conversation was, not to mention fascinating.

Infants are not supposed to die. In this episode, we talk to Ephina and Caroline about the process of investigating why the death happened, whether there was foul play involved, and what it means for the rest of the family still alive.

This interview is not for everyone. We have included an explicit content warning at the beginning of this episode, which we never do, because not everyone wants to hear about the ins and outs of dissecting a dead body. That said, Ephina and Caroline spoke with such reverence and grace for their role as the voice of the voiceless, the dead. They treat the babies who come into their care with dignity, love, and care. Please take good care of yourself and only listen if this interests you (as it does us), and remember that you can stop listening at any time.

You can find Ephina on ⁠TikTok⁠.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at ⁠@aslongasimlivingpodcast⁠, send us an email at ⁠aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com⁠, or visit us at ⁠anchor.fm/aslongasimliving⁠! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Oxygen Mask, a conversation about the experience of communal grief amidst global trauma

In case you missed all of the 10 million news stories, a new war has broken out in the Middle East. Judith is experiencing communal grief in real time as the horrors unfold, and it's triggering a lot of her own personal grief.

I (Alina) am really moved by Judith's compassion for everyone involved even amidst an active trauma affecting her community. I'm asking anyone choosing to listen to this episode to set aside their feelings about the politics that led to this situation and listen with open hearts for the grieving.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- As Long As I'm Living podcast | Flying Over Denver

- Inside Trader Joe's podcast

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

An Incomparable Loss, an interview with Christine, Miranda's Mom

Meet Christine, Miranda's Mom! Judith and Christine met at a grief retreat in summer of 2021. They connected instantly, loss mom to loss mom, despite the fact that Christine's daughter was 25 years old when she died.

In this interview, we talk about the pros and cons of losing an adult child vs. a baby, the ways it's the same, and the ways it's different. Christine's no-nonsense approach to loss is so refreshing, and we think you're absolutely going to love her.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Hayden's House of Healing

- Helping Parents Heal

- Life After Loss (Tennessee)

- Study regarding prolonged grief disorder in mothers

- Grief coach Rosie Dalton

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Sad Eyes, Broken Heart, Can't Lose (the Weight), a conversation about body image after baby loss

"You knew your body would change after having a baby, but you weren't prepared for how it would look with empty arms and heart broken." Unexpected Family Outing stuck with Alina from the first time she saw this post the month after Quinn died, and that's what today's episode is about.

The childbearing years are hard on everyone's bodies, but it's especially difficult when the baby, the one who is supposed to make it all worth it, dies.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Dead Baby Birthday

Quinn would have turned three last week, and Alina live podcasted for the lead up to and day of his birthday.

He was born, and then he died. And it's fucked up. He should be here.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- The reel Alina made about searching for a birthday card appropriate for a dead 3-year-old

- Quinn is 3

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

The Stillbirth Specialist, an interview with OBGYN Dr. Heather Florescue (Part 1)

Meet Dr. Heather Florescue, an OBGYN out of Rochester, NY. She's a mom of 3 (triplets!) and an advocate for better care for patients who experience baby loss.

Listen to this episode to hear all about how she found her niche in obstetrics, what it's like to tell a patient their baby died, and how she educates OBGYNs to provide better care for these patients.

Next week's episode will be a continuation of this conversation, where we talk about patient empowerment, care during a stillbirth or TFMR delivery, and pregnancy after loss.

You can find Dr. Florescue on Instagram!

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Star Legacy Foundation and Summit

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Grief Retreat 2023

Hi friends! We are fresh off of our 2023 grief retreat, where we cried, laughed, swam, reminisced, ate snacks, lit candles, danced, drank beer, and grieved. This episode features audio we recorded live from the retreat. In it, we chat about why we go on this trip every year, reveal who composed our transition music (they're legitimately famous), talk about how we incorporate our boys into everyday life, and more. Enjoy!

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Our crowdsourced playlist! (Thank you, Instagram community!)

- Heitor Pereira

- Carrie Soto is Back

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

For When You're On the Floor

This is an episode for you to listen to when you're on the floor. For when you're so sad, you can barely function. For when you're staring into the void, at the debris of your broken life. We have been there, and as we record this we are there right now. You are not alone.

::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- All There Is | Grateful for Grief (Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert)

- Comethru, by Jeremy Zucker featuring Bea Miller

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Loose Threads, a Conversation About Unrealized Dreams

All we really want in life is simple: an alive family and a place to call home. Somehow, we can't manage to make it happen.

We're back in the washing machine, and the loose threads of our broken dreams are getting stuck in the lint catcher... or something like that (you'll have to pardon our metaphors).

:::

- "It only hurts this much right now" is what I've been saying the whole time. - Labyrinth, Taylor Swift (and our Instagram post about it)

- ALAIL | Egg(s) on my Face

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Egg(s) On My Face: Alina's IVF Journey, Part 1

Alina is starting IVF... TOMORROW! (Well, tomorrow as we recorded this episode.)

It's a mixed bag of feelings. Grief, that she has to do it at all. Gratitude, that she CAN do it. Excitement to be finally, finally taking steps toward having a rainbow baby.

There's a short follow-up at the end with the results from her first egg retrieval -- it didn't go great. Stay tuned for her next steps and more on her IVF journey.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- ALAIL: Interviews with Quinn's Stepdad: Part 1, Part 2

- ALAIL: TFMR is Baby Loss, an Interview with Hadley's Mom Jill

- Empty Arms Bereavement Support

- ALAIL: Consolation Prize

- ALAIL: Grief Needs a Witness, with Dr. Denise Mandel

- ALAIL: There Are No Silver Linings, with Dr. Denise Mandel

- @griefwithDrDenise

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

More from Quinn's Step-Dad, another very special interview with Alina's new husband, Tyler

Thank you to Tyler, Quinn's step-dad, for this emotionally vulnerable and honest interview.

In this episode, Alina talks to her new husband about what the bad days look like from his perspective, how he takes care of himself while taking care of Alina, the great and not-so-great things about their relationship, and so much more.

Tyler also answers questions from listeners... questions like:

- How has this influenced any conversations surrounding fertility/parenting?

- Do you wonder who the "old" Alina is or grieve not ever knowing her? What do you like the most about the "new" Alina?

- How has Alina evolved in the last year?

- What is your relationship with Quinn, and how do you honor a child you never met?

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

Last week's episode, part 1 of our interview with Tyler!

It's OK That You're Not OK, book by Megan Devine
Instagram post of poem that Tyler mentions

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Love After Loss, an interview with Tyler, Quinn's Step-dad

Alina met Tyler on Hinge in November 2021, LIVE on an episode of As Long As I'm Living podcast (yes... this is real!). This weekend in July 2023 is their wedding!

Listen to this episode to hear what Tyler's thoughts were when he first met Alina and found out about her traumatic backstory, how he was initiated into the "dead baby club" by Alina (and Judith), and the way he approached supporting Alina in the early days of their relationship when they were still getting to know each other.

Stay tuned for next week's episode, which is a continuation of this interview. In that episode, you can find out about how he takes care of himself while taking care of a grieving person, how he develops a relationship with his dead step-son, and so much more.

I (Alina) love Tyler so, so much. He is the best possible step-dad for my perfect baby boy, and I can't wait for you to get to know him.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

ALAIL: The Audacity of Hope (where Alina sees Tyler for the first time)
ALAIL: Alina's Bad Day (an episode recorded the day after Alina's first date with Tyler)
It's OK That You're Not OK, book by Megan Devine
ALAIL: December 1st (where Alina yells at a lady on the street, around 16:00)
ALAIL: Dead Bodies Aren't Decorations (where Judith talks about stealing dead baby décor her first introduction to Tyler!)

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Live Again From Boston! (Returning to Work, Alina's Wedding, Chit Chat)

It's a holiday here in the US, but here is an episode from when we were together in Boston in March! We chatted about returning to work, Alina's wedding, and more! If you'd rather watch us in action instead of listening, you can do that HERE!

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

The Cost of Loss, Part 2: The Aftermath

Last week on As Long As I'm Living, we talked about how expensive the first few months are after your baby dies. This week, we're talking about the long-term costs: lost work, therapy bills, and fertility struggles are just a few of the things that we and you all in our community have experienced since our babies died.

To listen to the first episode in this series, click here:

The Cost of Loss, Part 1: The Early Days

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- SIDS risk at daycare

- Snoo and SIDS

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

The Cost of Loss, Part 1: The Early Days

In this episode, we break down how much it actually costs when your baby dies. Headstones, ambulance bills, and autopsies... oh my.

Stay tuned for next week's episode, where we'll dive into the ongoing, long-term costs. The numbers are horrifying.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Study about Americans' readiness for a financial emergency

- Adalyn Rose Foundation

- Vitrified Studio infant urns

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Grieving Out Loud

Alina posted a reel on Instagram a few weeks ago, and it got big. It somehow found the eyeballs of non-loss parents, and they were NOT comfortable with being confronted with the reality of baby loss.

In this episode, we talk about how it feels to be a part of a movement to reduce stigma, what our approach is to gaining followers (spoiler: we want FEWER followers because that means fewer dead babies...), and the way it feels to have your grief judged by strangers.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Alina's reel about visiting Quinn's ashes

- The /r/twosentencehorror Reddit post about stillbirth

- Sad Comfy Couch podcast

- Guys and Grief podcast

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Happy For You, Sad For Me (On Pregnancy Announcements)

No matter how you felt about pregnancy announcements before, we're guessing your feelings have changed since your baby died. Ours certainly have.

It is not fair -- at all -- that our babies are dead and other people's babies are alive and kicking. It is a completely insane thing that our babies died, so of course we have thoughts and feelings that are absolutely insane. We need to forgive ourselves for having normal human emotions in response to a tragic situation.

Pregnant friends, we love you, but please don't listen to this episode. And yes, we do kind of hope you get stretch marks. Sue us!

:::

We're wishing our followers a gentle Mother's Day this weekend. We didn't touch it in the episode, but we know you're all feeling it. Sending lots and lots of love.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Pregnancy announcement post on @IWasSupposedToHaveABaby

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

When "Choice" Doesn't Feel Like a Choice, an interview about TFMR with Adelyn's Mom Alyssa

TFMR: Termination for Medical Reasons. It's a particularly devastating type of baby loss, where parents are forced to make a "choice" that isn't really a choice at all.

Meet Alyssa, Adelyn's mom. She had to have a TFMR procedure to interrupt Adelyn's pregnancy in summer of 2022, right in the midst of Roe v. Wade being overturned here in the U.S. The fear and confusion surrounding her daughter's death added additional trauma to an already horrific loss.

Studies show that there are about 14 TFMRs every single day in the United States, making it twice as common as stillbirth... yet it is rarely talked about. Anecdotally, we have spoken to many loss parents who underwent a TFMR -- Alyssa included -- but didn't even know that there was a word for it, that there is a community of people who have had to make the same devastating choice, and that even though they made a decision to terminate a wanted pregnancy, they still deserve to grieve their baby's loss.

TFMR is baby loss. For more on this topic, listen to last year's TFMR Awareness Day episode, our interview with Alina's friend Jill.

TFMR is Baby Loss, an Interview with Hadley's Mom Jill

:::

Resources for TFMR Parents:

- ⁠TFMR Awareness Day⁠

- ⁠Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep⁠

- ⁠Empty Arms⁠

- ⁠TFMR Mamas⁠

- ⁠Time to Talk TFMR podcast⁠

- ⁠TFMR Papas⁠

- ⁠TGN Therapy instagram⁠

- ⁠Petals Charity⁠ (UK)

- Ending a Wanted Pregnancy

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at ⁠@aslongasimlivingpodcast⁠, send us an email at ⁠aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com⁠, or visit us at ⁠anchor.fm/aslongasimliving⁠! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

How Are You? (We're Back From Our Break!)

We are back from our podcast break!

In this episode, we talk about how weird it is to answer the question "How are you?" because we're objectively AWFUL, but also sometimes okay? And frequently both at the same time.

We'll be back Thursday with a BONUS episode for TFMR Awareness Day, and next week on Monday with our regularly scheduled episodes. We missed all of you terribly and are so happy to be back!

Speaking of TFMR Awareness Day, vote for As Long As I'm Living in the @TFMRAwarenessDay awards! We're up for Best Non-TFMR Specific Podcast and Best TFMR Podcast Episode for our episode with Hadley's Mom Jill (listen here!). You can vote at this link.

P.S. Sorry about Alina's noisy cat.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Advocacy (We're On a Break)

We're on our break, but here's some episodes to listen to this week instead!

:::

As Long As I'm Living: Advocacy

TFMR is Baby Loss, an interview with Hadley's Mom Jill

Abortion is Healthcare

Calamity, an interview about race and infant loss with Emy Collins, Bash's Mom

:::

Listen to someone else!

Sad Comfy Couch

Your favorite bereft aunties get real about surviving infant loss, navigating grief, and staying funny in the fuckery.

Start here: They haven't released their first episode! Make sure you follow them on Instagram.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Episodes from the Floor (We're On a Break)

We're on our break, but here's some episodes to listen to this week instead!

:::

As Long As I'm Living: Episodes from the Floor

Alina's Bad Day

November 30th and December 1st

Bruised Not Broken (skip to the end)

He's Still Dead

:::

Listen to someone else!

⁠Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel⁠

Listen to the incomparable therapist Esther Perel counsel real couples as they reveal the most intimate, personal, and complicated details of the conflicts that have brought them to her door.

This season Esther speaks to a constellation of new relationships:

A couple wrestling with the guilt they feel over the happiness their infidelity created.
Another trying to make space for their queerness in an outwardly appearing hetero relationship.
A set of friends trying to sort out if their childhood friendship needs to continue into adulthood.

And Esther checks back in with couples from seasons past to see where they are now as she creates a space for us to hear our own lives and struggles articulated in the stories of others. So....where should we begin?

Start here: ⁠You Want Me to Watch the Kids While You Go Out with Another Guy?⁠

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Hear from the Pros! (We're On a Break)

We're on our break, but here's some episodes to listen to this week instead!

:::

As Long As I'm Living: Hear From the Pros!

Empty Arms, an Interview with Carol McMurrich

SIDS, an Interview with Dr. Goldstein of the Roberts Program

Parental Grief, an Interview with Dr. Goldstein of the Roberts Program

All About EMDR, an Interview with Trauma Therapist Rebecca Munini

Grief Needs a Witness, an Interview with Dr. Denise Mandel

There Are No Silver Linings, an Interview with Dr. Denise Mandel

Meet the Rainbow Baby* Doctor, an Interview with Pediatrician and Loss Mom Dr. Laura Arling

::: Listen to someone else!

The Silent Why⁠

Can hope be found in every type of loss? Join Claire Sandys (and sometimes Chris), a childless couple (not by choice), on a mission to find 101 different types of loss to see if it's possible to find hope, or even joy, in every type of grief.

Start here: ⁠Loss of a Family, with Alina

Return to Work (We're On a Break)

We're on our break, but here's some episodes to listen to this week instead!

:::

As Long As I'm Living: Return to Work

Start Healing Together, an Interview with Jackie Mancinelli

There Is No Moving On, an Interview with Jen Su

:::

Listen to someone else!

High Strange

From the creators of Up and Vanished and Radio Rental, host Payne Lindsey attempts to break the stigma surrounding the topic of UFOs. In this new investigative series, Lindsey shines light on real-life coverups, and infamous cases, all while leaving the tinfoil hat at the door.

In the last few years, dozens of Navy pilots have come forward with compelling video evidence of objects in the sky that defy our current understanding of physics. The Pentagon has since confirmed the validity of these accounts and stated, “We don’t know what they are.” Can we finally have a healthy conversation about the possibility of intelligent life beyond our planet?

With a refreshing approach to the topic, Lindsey aims to separate fact from fiction when it comes to the strange happenings way up high. Do you want to believe?

Start here: Pale Blue Dot

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Grief 101 (We're On a Break)

We're on our break, but here's some episodes to listen to this week instead!

:::

As Long As I'm Living: Grief 101

Little Triggers Everywhere

:::

Listen to someone else!

⁠Terrible, Thanks for Asking⁠

It’s a question we ask (and get asked) all the time: “How are you?” And normally we just respond with “Fine!” even if we’re totally dying inside, so everyone can go about their day. But it’s not always all that fine, is it? “Terrible, Thanks For Asking” is a show by author Nora McInerny that lets real people get real honest about how they’re really doing. It’s sometimes sad, sometimes funny, and almost always both.

Start here: ⁠Sad Nora and the Secret Baby

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

There Are No Silver Linings, an Interview about Making Meaning in Grief with Dr. Denise Mandel

Our resident grief therapist is back... Dr. Denise is here to talk with us about making meaning after loss. What does it mean to make meaning? Why is is helpful to a griever? When do people typically start to have the energy to make meaning? Do you have to make meaning? What if you don't want to write a book, or make a foundation, or start a podcast? What can meaning also look like if not those "big" things?

Dr. Denise also gives us tips for making meaning, for anyone who is ready, and she offers sincere permission to skip it altogether if you're not.

:::

We have fantastic news from Dr. Denise... she is starting an online support group! For more information, listen to the end of the episode and reach out to her at griefwithdrdenise@gmail.com or on Instagram at @griefwithdrdenise.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

First Time Moms for the Second Time, More About Parenting After Loss with Zayn's Mom Katie

This is the second part of Judith's interview with her friend Katie, Zayn's mom, who you may know as @BreathingAfterLoss on Instagram. To listen to the first part, where Judith and Katie talk about the struggles of having an alive baby after a dead baby, why they don't fit in with mom groups, and more, click the link below:

Breathing After Loss, an Interview About Parenting After Loss with Zayn's Mom Katie

In this episode, they talk about how exhausting grieving while parenting is, celebrating alive and dead baby birthdays, being a first time mom for the second time, and so much more.

Content note: This is our most highly requested podcast topic, but we know it's also so triggering for so many. Alina didn't participate in this conversation for the same reason, as she doesn't have a living child to parent after loss (yet!) and it's a tough topic for her. Please feel free to skip this conversation if your heart can't handle it.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at ⁠@aslongasimlivingpodcast⁠, send us an email at ⁠aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com⁠, or visit us at ⁠anchor.fm/aslongasimliving⁠! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Good News About Bad News

Judith got Aiden's results from the Roberts Program (see the episode where Alina got hers for more information on what this is... linked below), and it was good news. But it was good news about bad news, so it doesn't really feel so good. We share our feelings before and after the results meeting.

(P.S. Sorry about the weird audio in part 2!)

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

Alina's Roberts Program Results: Answers and Questions

Butrylcholinesterase

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Breathing After Loss, an Interview About Parenting After Loss with Zayn's Mom Katie

You may know her as @BreathingAfterLoss on Instagram, but we're here to introduce you to Katie, who happens to be a real-life friend of Judith's.

In this episode, Judith and Katie talk about the struggles of having an alive baby after a dead baby, why they don't fit in with mom groups, and more!

Check back in a few weeks for the continuation of this conversation, where Judith and Katie talk about things like how exhausting grieving while parenting is, celebrating alive and dead baby birthdays, and what it's like to be a first time mom for the second time.

Content note: This is our most highly requested podcast topic, but we know it's also so triggering for so many. Alina didn't participate in this conversation for the same reason, as she doesn't have a living child to parent after loss (yet!) and it's a tough topic for her. Please feel free to skip this conversation if your heart can't handle it.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Katie's account @BreathingAfterLoss

- Erica of @TravelingWithGrief, a mutual loss mom friend of Alina and Katie's who has shared a lot of her PAL journey on her Instagram account.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Bonus! Our Worst Episode Ever

We thankfully had time to record a real episode for you later in the week, but this was our first attempt at this week's episode. It's BAD!!! Alina was sick and recording from bed, and for some reason both of our brains were not connected to our mouths. We're releasing this in case anyone needs a laugh, but we are fully aware this is our worst episode ever. If you want to listen to some better produced podcasts, take a look at our recommendations below!

:::

As Long As I'm Living podcast recommendations!

1. Terrible, Thanks for Asking

It’s a question we ask (and get asked) all the time: “How are you?” And normally we just respond with “Fine!” even if we’re totally dying inside, so everyone can go about their day. But it’s not always all that fine, is it? “Terrible, Thanks For Asking” is a show by author Nora McInerny that lets real people get real honest about how they’re really doing. It’s sometimes sad, sometimes funny, and almost always both.

Start here: Sad Nora and the Secret Baby

2. The Worst Girl Gang Ever

Miscarriage, infertility and baby loss podcast with Bex Gunn and Laura Buckingham.

Start here: Tahnee Knowles - Stillbirth and PAL

3. Guys and Grief

Guys and Grief is geared toward fathers that have experienced pregnancy or infant loss. The guys share stories and challenges, as well as laughs and a few tears, as they navigate helping men honor their children, deal with grief, support their family, and try find better days ahead.

Start here: Episode 1: Introduction (brand new podcast alert!!)

4. Sisters in Loss

Sisters in Loss podcast spotlights faith filled black women who share their grief and loss stories and testimonies.

Start here: Preeclampsia and Miscarriage and Helping Melinated Moms

5. The Silent Why

Can hope be found in every type of loss? Join Claire Sandys (and sometimes Chris), a childless couple (not by choice), on a mission to find 101 different types of loss to see if it's possible to find hope, or even joy, in every type of grief.

Start here: Loss of a Family, with Alina

6. Inside Trader Joe's

A wildcard! Judith recommended this to Alina in one of their first conversations. Sometimes you need to listen to anything OTHER than baby loss.

Every episode takes you Inside Trader Joe’s in a podcast series only Trader Joe's could deliver.

Start here: It's About the Products

Flying Over Denver

Today on As Long As I'm Living podcast, we're taking stock. How far are we on our journeys toward Happier Ever After, 2ish years since the deaths of our sons? We think we're somewhere over Denver. Or Mars.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Why Me?

Why did MY baby die, when so many others live?

This is a question that we're sure all of you have asked yourselves at one point or another. We talk about our feelings on this topic and how they've evolved over the months since Aiden and Quinn died.

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Live from DC! (Q&A Replay)

This week (1/18) marks the second anniversary of Quinn's death. To give Alina a break from editing, we're releasing this Instagram Live we did back in November when we were together in DC for our podcast anniversary!

We talk about things like:

How to deal with guilt
Pregnancy after loss
Our music taste and how it changed after our babies died
Whether we'd be friends if we hadn't lost children
... and more!

If you'd rather watch this live instead of listen, you can do that here!

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

Meet the Rainbow Baby* Doctor, an Interview with Pediatrician and Loss Mom Dr. Laura Arling

Dr. Laura Arling is a Washington, DC-based pediatrician and mom of 3, including her first son, Remy, who died of a rare heart-related condition in his first year of life. She has built a practice around taking care of "rainbow baby* families" -- those who are parenting living children and have also experienced the death of at least one child.

In this episode, we talk to her about the unique considerations she takes into account when treating the children of traumatized parents, and we ask the following questions, among others:

How do you reassure parents who are behaving "irrationally" but rationally, given their background?
What do you do when typical medical guidance and pediatric guidelines do not align with the needs of a particular family and their situation?
Do you have any advice for supporting siblings after loss or for the parents parenting rainbow babies?
How do you cope with taking care of "normal" (non-bereaved, overall healthy) families when you have had a medically complex child who eventually died?

Finally, we know that many of you listening are not SIDS parents but worry about SIDS. We ask Dr. Arling directly for guidance for parents of alive infants so that they can prevent SIDS to the best of their ability. We are so grateful she agreed to come on the podcast!

*We knew when we released this episode that "Rainbow Baby" is a controversial term, but we learned from our Instagram community that some actually find it offensive. We are leaving the episode title as is since it's the simplest way to encapsulate Dr. Arling's pediatric specialty, but please know that we don't think of any of your loved and lost babies as "storms." We'd encourage you to listen to the episode anyway, despite the title, and we do actually address the controversy of the term in the episode. Sending love to all of you! Xo, Alina and Judith.

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

We Reject Our 2023 Horoscopes

2023: You better not be as f***** up as our internet horoscopes suggest! Listen to this episode to hear what is allegedly in store for us next year. Are you as scared as we are? We reject these horoscopes and have decided to move forward with ease into the next year.

2022... thank you, next!

:::

Things we talk about in this episode:

- Happier New Year: last year's new year episode, where we talk 2021 and 2022 horoscopes

- Judith's 2022 and 2023 yearly horoscopes! (Sagittarius)

- Alina's 2022 and 2023 yearly horoscopes! (Capricorn)

- Cafe Astrology horoscopes -- the ones that are slightly less terrifying

:::

Follow As Long As I'm Living on Instagram at @aslongasimlivingpodcast, send us an email at aslongasimlivingpodcast@gmail.com, or visit us at anchor.fm/aslongasimliving! We would love to hear from you!

:::

As Long As I'm Living is a podcast about life, love, and laughter after infant loss. Judith and Alina are rebuilding Happier Ever After one day at a time despite excruciating grief and trauma and offering support to grievers of all flavors, but especially those who have lost a baby to SIDS, infant death, birth accidents, stillbirth, TFMR, ectopic pregnancy, or miscarriage.

As Long As I'm Living, rebuilding our Happier Ever Afters after infant loss (SIDS)

By Judith and Alina

Available on