Make the Shift

As humans, we simply cannot operate at full speed 24/7/....but how many of us try?

I know I'm guilty of pushing myself to the maximum capacity trying to do more, have more, be more and squeeze it all in. But somewhere along the way, we begin to shut down. We simply are not hardwired to push and prove all day everyday. Our health takes a toll, a relationship crashes and burns or we find ourselves continually missing things in our kids lives that we never would have dreamed we would miss when we first held them in our arms.

Today's guest Alyssa Celetto is the Founder of Fabulous Nutrition. Alyssa helps moms who want to take control of their health naturally, nourish their body and change the way they see food, relax into more restorative sleep and be free to enjoy life more -even with a long list of projects to accomplish.

She is a registered dietitian-nutritionist who loves all food and believes that it is unnecessary to sacrifice the foods we love to consider ourselves healthy. What I love about Alyssa is that she deeply appreciates the value of life, recognizing that we only get to go around this beautiful planet ONCE. She is committed to helping women sustain the energy and strength to pursue all the things they love with the people they love for as long as possible.

Alyssa and I have a great conversation about self care in general and how we can easily weave food into our daily life to nourish and sustain us in order to contribute to the world in the way that we were destined to do.

Listen to Discover:

• How Alyssa defines self care
• What gets in the way of self care
• How to deal with guilt when it comes to self care
• Why self care is vital

As adults we need to learn how to advocate for our own self care and not feel guilty about it. I hope this episode gives you permission to make the shift from not owning your needs and your own self care to taking your power back and putting self care on the front burner of your life.

"We are losing our sense of connection with self, we are losing our sense of self nourishment and self care." ~ Krista Resnick

"Our values and beliefs need to be considered when we're making a decision of how we want to eat and how we decide to carry out our daily life." ~Alyssa Celotto

"For much of my life. I didn't have space. It was stimulus, react, stimulus, reactive stimulus, react." ~Krista Resnick

"Part of my healing has been learning to create space. " ~Krista Resnick

"I lived for close to 40 years as though my life and everything in it was urgent." ~Krista Resnick

"We get used to living in this stressful state." ~Alyssa Celotto

"Self Care is the awareness of one's physical, mental and emotional needs at any given time, and consciously serving those needs." ~Alyssa Celotto

"We need rest, we need the time to be able to move our bodies. We need time to be able to care for ourselves, so that we can have the strength and energy to continue to support others." ~Alyssa Celotto

"If I notice that I'm feeling guilty, I can ask myself, Am I really doing something wrong?" ~Alyssa Celotto

"Preparing a meal has like meditative components to it." ~Alyssa Celotto

Anger and shame Two emotions that I don't know if any of us have been taught to like let alone embrace.

My friend and guest today, Karla McLaren loves both anger and shame because they are powerful messages that lead us to deeper healing and growth. We've been taught to stay away from these beautiful emotions for so many reasons, but they are truly here to give us feedback and help us grow.

Karla McLaren, M.Ed., is an award-winning author, researcher, workplace consultant, and empathy expert. Her grand unified theory of emotions revalues even the most “negative” emotions and opens new pathways to self-awareness, effective communication, and healthy empathy.

When it comes to setting boundaries, Karla teaches us that anger is essential because it points us to our values and the things that matter to us. As she shares with us, shame helps us to live up to the morals, codes and agreements that we've made. Unfortunately, many of us learned about shame by being shamed.

In this episode Karla shares with us some valuable ways to understand our anger and our shame so that we can use it to set healthy boundaries for ourselves and create healthier relationships and satisfying lives.

Karla will have you looking at both anger and shame in a whole new lens. And once we begin to see both of these emotions in a different light, they become less scary and have much less of a hold on us. In fact, we can start to use them as they were actually designed for.

Listen to Discover:

• What anger is and why it is such a valuable emotion
• Why we fear big emotions like anger and shame

• Why we blame emotions for causing problems, when in fact, emotions arise to help us deal with problems.

• Why anger and shame are essential emotions for setting healthy boundaries.
• Why we blame these emotions (anger and shame) for people’s lack of emotional skills.

"Shame helps me live up to the morals, ethics and agreements that I've made. And if I start to step out of true with that, shame is going to say "Hey, what, hold on, there's some things going on here."-Karla McLaren

"When you are a friend, you are that trusted person that is you've been brought into my too deeply into my circle." -Krista Resnick

"I think a lot of times when people hear the word boundaries, they see a brick wall." -Karla McLaren

"Anger represents what we value, what we stand for. What matters to us." -Krista Resnick

"Anger, is a deeply loving emotion. You can't have a healthy relationship unless you have your anger working well." -Karla McLaren

" I define boundaries as who I am in this world, and what's important to me." -Karla McLaren

"When we can't access or have trouble accessing our anger, we will inevitably have trouble activating implementing our boundaries." -Krista Resnick

"Anger is the emotion that helps us set boundaries." -Karla McLaren

"We've been taught extensively not to pay attention to our emotions. We've been taught that there's such a thing as a negative emotion, which is nonsense." -Karla McLaren

"Anger doesn't have a violence component to it. But most of us have only seen anger as violence." -Karla McLaren

This episode is about overcoming people-pleasing patterns and getting into alignment with who you truly are. Today's caller, Theresa recognizes she has people pleasing patterns, but finds that when conflict arises-she immediately steps in to save the day. She is exhausted and disappointed by always doing what she thinks will make other people happy. If you are a people pleaser, this is an important call for you to listen to.

People-pleasing is a pattern that begins when we form a belief at a young age that we get more validation and love and avoid criticism or punishment if we are good and doing what others want us to do. It begins as a pattern at a very early age but it’s just a pattern. It is not who we are. It’s not an aspect of our personality or soul expression. People pleasing can show up many different ways-for some of us it's always wanting to be seen doing good, for others it's always wanting to be seen achieving and striving and for other's its doing whatever they can to avoid conflict. This was the case for my caller Theresa.

She wants to be in a loving two sided relationship, but she can't seem to advocate for herself and stop making it her job to manage others. Theresa did not grow up in a home that modeled conflict in a healthy manner-everything was shoved under the rug and never really 'dealt' with. Conflict does not have to equal violence. Conflict can be a beautiful way to share your feelings and your needs within relationships and work together to get those needs met. It's important to remember that just because conflict feels bad doesn't mean it is bad and it's not something we need to be afraid of or shy away from. Conflict actually helps us to pause and examine what is important to us, what are we 'fighting for?' However, when it's never been modeled for you, conflict can in fact feel terrifying. Learning how to move through conflict by speaking up for yourself is so vital for setting boundaries and breaking the people pleasing patterns.

Before listening to this episode, consider:

• What was modeled in your household growing up in terms of conflict?
• Do you spend more time fixing others than being on your own side of the street?
• Does it make you uncomfortable when other people have big emotions?
• Do you freeze or shutdown when you think someone is upset?

Links

We talk a lot in today's world about being 'empowered' but what does that actually mean? Today's guest, Marta Spirk certainly knows a thing or two about what it takes to empower yourself and that's what today's show is all about.

After the surprise and blessing of triplets in 2016, she found a passion for encouraging and empowering women - as she learned to encourage and empower myself through the hardships of adult (and triplet) life.

Marta helps women to stop spinning their wheels trying random personal development resources, and finally learn to boost confidence and grow their business by looking at their most valuable resource - THEMSELVES!.

In this episode, empowerment coach Marta Spirk shares with us her 5 step framework of how to empower yourself.

Listen to Discover:

• How Marta came up with her 5 step process
• Why the power of forgiveness Is such an important part of feeling empowered
• One of the #1 things that steals our power (and it's something we don't even realize)
• Why you don't always need to have your steps planned out-sometimes your plan reveals itself to you as you MOVE
• How Marta moved through the challenging circumstances when family disapproved of her choices to move forward with her career

"If you start changing your thoughts, your reality is going to change, because YOU create your reality." ~Marta Spirk

"If you want empowered kids, you need to empower yourself." ~Marta Spirk

"If you want empowered kids, empower yourself." ~Marta Spirk

"In order to take your power back, you need to realize what has taken your power from you. And often you are giving it away to patterns of resentment that you don't even know are there. " ~Marta Spirk

"Allow yourself to brag about things because if you don't, then who will?" ~Marta Spirk

Hey Gorgeous!

Welcome to Make The Shift Podcast (formerly known as Becoming Boundaried).

This past year in particular I have grown so much personally. I've shed more beliefs, shifted more paradigms and cultivated more peace and freedom than ever before. While boundary work is still vital to my coaching practice and something I will always coach and teach....solely focusing on boundaries alone was starting to feel a bit stifling and out of alignment. And just like I coach my clients and tell you-let's makes some shifts to get back in alignment.

So as a seasoned coach, I know that many of the things we desire in life require 'making a shift'- a shift in our thinking, our beliefs, our behaviors, a shift in what we ask for, or the actions we take, a shift in what we think we deserve.  

That’s what this podcast is all about.  Each week I’ll be sharing live coaching sessions, personal tips, and expert interviews designed to empower you to become an incredible leader in your life, relationships and love.  

So together-let’s get ready to make the shift.  

Sometimes it can feel like there is so much at stake when we set healthy boundaries. Especially when there are outside influences that appear to have control over our situation.

Often family members can especially triggering. We have a lot of history with them and they know exactly what buttons to push (sometimes purposely but more often subconsciously). There are so many old patterns and programs we run with family members it can sometimes feel like we “regress” after just a few minutes or hours in their presence.

However, on some level- I believe we choose our family to help us evolve and grow in the ways we need. They are our teachers and often issues with family put us on our awakening path. Boundaries with family members are a great way to practice integrating all the tools you have learned on your personal development journey.

You are the one to stop not doing the martyr thing. You are the one to not be coerced by guilt or obligation disguised as “love.” You are the one to end the addiction cycle. You are the one to break free of limiting beliefs, and scarcity thinking. You are the one to end abuse. You are the one who is raising your children differently. You are the one to opt out of dysfunctional and toxic dynamics. You are the one who truly understands love.

And remember, love is unconditional but relationships have conditions. Just because someone is a relative or partner does not give them permission to treat you with disrespect or even be in your life. Consider what boundaries it may be time to set with certain people. Make this the year that you say “no more” to just tolerating crappy behavior and things being said to you.

This week on the podcast I spoke to Blessing who wants to know how to set healthy boundaries where there is coercive control that include campaigns of silence and stonewalling. We talked about all of the things Blessing is doing right already, and how she will need to start thinking and behaving if she wants to be the one to break the cycle with her family and move forward with her life.

Listen if you want to learn how to break old patterns and set healthy boundaries with challenging people in your life.

Before you listen consider:

• Are you a rule follower because you experienced a chaotic childhood and now playing by the rules helps you to feel safe?
• Do you struggle with guilt even around little things like making decisions that are necessary such as taking care of yourself?
• Was there a lot of chaos in your childhood home with out the witnessing of repair work?
• Do you consider yourself boundary-less? Someone who literally cannot set a boundary if their life depended on it?
• Do you settle for any little breadcrumb of attention because you are so hungry for love and validation?

"There are times where we do need to be careful who we are being vulnerable and open with and giving our hearts to if we know that they have a pattern of not being able to hold us and meet us, in our in our most vulnerable places."~Krista Resnick

"All of us want to be seen, be heard, be loved. We want to belong." ~Krista Resnick

"As long as we're in relationship with other people, there's going to be disruption, there's always gonna be conflict. That's just how relationships works. This is why learning how to repair is vital." ~Krista Resnick

If you grew up socialized as a woman, and you identify as a highly sensitive person, there's a good chance that you suffer from what is referred to as 'good girl' conditioning."Good girl" is a phrase tossed around a lot on social media these days and it's something that most of my clients struggle with deeply.

In this episode, my intention is to unpack my version of what good girl conditioning means to me.

This is a mask I know all too well. Plagued by my own insecurity and unworthiness, I wore the mask of good girl to appease and belong. I never wanted to ruffle a single feather. However the costs of the good girl reeked havoc on every area of my life and my relationships.

Before listening to this episode consider:

• Were you taught that if you stayed small, followed the rules, obeyed, and didn’t question that you would stay safe and be protected?
• Were you taught to stay in good favor with others even at the cost of your own self betrayal?
• Do you secretly feel resentment toward others in your life?
• Do you NEVER experience any sort of conflict in your life?
• Are you a rule follower to the extreme?
• Do you have to always get things perfect before putting them out into the world.

If so, you might be wearing the mask of the good girl. In this episode I share two simple and potent exercises for helping you being to explore how this might show up in your life and where it can be blocking you from everything you deserve.

"The good girl focuses on being polite, virtuous, palatable, pretty, youthful, respectful and respectable ... at the cost of her soul, values, desires, and her authenticity."~Krista Resnick

"Right now, the world is crying out for more women to heal from this good girl conditioning and can access their full intuition, creativity and agency and lead from a place of fierce compassion."~Krista Resnick

Have you ever caught yourself saying, "A part of me wants to start getting up early and meditating and a part of wants to keep sleeping." Or, "A part of me wants to go the part on Friday night, but a part of me wants to curl up in bed with a bowl of ice cream and binge out for hours on Netflix." Well, you aren't crazy-these are 'your parts.'  Parts work otherwise known as Internal Family Systems (a model of therapy developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz) is one of the most incredible healing modalities that I have ever seen truly help people transform their lives.  

Today's guest, Tammy Sollenberger is a certified IFS therapist and author of "The One Inside" a book that helps you to get to know your own parts on a deeper more personal level.

In this episode, Tammy helps us understand our parts, why and how they developed and how they show up in our lives to help us.  While sometimes they seem really annoying and even disturbring (like our over-drinking parts, codependent parts, inner critic parts, self doubt parts, good girl parts)-they really play an integral role in our lives.  Parts often lurk in the background and until we can get curious about and even learn to love them for the role they play, it will feel like a never ending battle.  

We are so accustomed to fixing, changing, blaming, shaming and analyzing ourselves to death.  Quite frankly, it's exhausting!  When we learn to meet our parts with a soft curiosity and even compassion-it is truly the missing piece!

Listen to learn: What IFS or Parts work is What makes it different than other therapy modalities Why parts develop What parts roles are The different types of parts How you can work with your parts to help them soften and create what it is that you crave in your life "We end up in marriages and relationships and wonder, "Why aren't our needs ever being met, why don't I have any feelings about this or that? And why do my relationships suck?"  Well, it could be there are parts of you that have learned this is how you have to be in relationships in order to be loved." ~Tammy Sollenberger

"Our parts can be exhausting, because they work endlessly to ensure that we never feel rejected abandoned or alone." ~Tammy Sollenberger

Do you sometimes struggle to have your voice heard, to take up space and to communicate in a way that really own who you are?  

So many of us bought into the belief that our voices don't matter.  And yet voice is a way for us to communicate our boundaries, our needs and our truth.  The way we speak is a direct correlation to our confidence and self worth.  

Today's guest, Brienne Hennessy is the Founder of Your Vocal Vitality, a highly-sought after Vocal Empowerment Guide, and bestselling Author.  She expertly guides women executives, entrepreneurs and speakers to communicate with more aligned presence, speak frequently without fatigue or strain, and listen to their intuitive inner voice to show up as their truest selves.   Brienne’s clients have succeeded in protecting the vital asset of their voice to increase speaking voice stamina and improve their communication and ease with their audiences, which has resulted in more public speaking prowess and profit for their businesses! Her mission: elevate voice health holistically and enhance self-worth via your unique voice!

My goal with this episode is to take something a tool that we utilize every day (our voice) and consider HOW we are using it.  It's an opportunity to take a closer look at how your voice might be a reflection of where you are holding back, playing the good girl and minimizing your truth.  

"I believe women can connect to their self worth via their voice." ~Brienne Hennessy

"To be heard means to listen to yourself and hear yourself first." ~Brienne Hennessy

" I believe it's a real battle to create rich relationships in your life, when you haven't taken the time to deeply connect with yourself." ~Krista Resnick

"One of my main convictions is love your voice love yourself."~ Brienne Hennessy

Do you ever feel confused by your relationship with alcohol?  

You may be thinking that you don't necessarily have a 'problem' per se, but curious as to why you keep reaching for something that you know deep down is keeping you from feeling the way you want to feel.   The truth is that alcohol in and of itself isn't necessarily a 'bad thing.'  We drink to have fun, be social, celebrate and connect with one another.  However, there can be a fine line between having fun and being social and recognizing that there might be a bigger issue at hand.   

Today's guest, Sherry B. Price, PharmD, MBA, APh, BCPS is a women’s empowerment coach, pharmacist, and creator of the Drink Less Lifestyle. She helps women kick the over-drinking habit and regain confidence and control around alcohol while creating a life they love.  I recognize that this can be a tender topic and I love the gentleness and grace that Dr. Sherry approaches something so touchy with.   In this episode I am chatting with Dr. Sherry about her own relationship with alcohol and what led her to realize that maybe she did need to re-examine how she was approaching it.   

Dr. Sherry breaks down 

• Gray Area Drinking: 
• Does it have to be an all or nothing approach? 
• Getting to the Root of the Problem: why most efforts to cut back or stop overdrinking fail.  
• Why Getting Help is Taboo Other Options for Help outside of preventative 
• AND MORE! 

If you're ready to explore your relationship with alcohol (or anything you might do in excess), you won't want to miss this episode.  

 "Life is about expressing our fullness and not having to rely on a substance to be able to do that for us." Sherry Price "I never thought my drinking was that severe, yet it was more than I wanted." Sherry Price 

"I was a gray area drinker. Meaning, I  wasn't so severe that I needed to do rehab or check in somewhere. But it was definitely impacting certain areas of my life." Sherry Price 

"I'm not quite an alcoholic. So these options (rehab, day treatment programs) don't work. But then what other help is there?" Sherry Price 

"I always thought it was a drinking problem. And the more I thought it was a drinking problem, the more I focused on the alcohol, and putting rules around my drinking like- I'm not going to have it Monday through Thursday, but I'll allow myself to have it Friday and Saturday. However, the truth was that I  wasn't doing the inner work.  I wasn't looking at what was causing the desire for my excessive drinking."  Sherry Price 

"If what's driving you to drink is a painful marriage or something else going on in your life. Let's work on that." Sherry Price "What's your go to? Check in  with yourself and evaluate.. when I become really triggered, stressed or overwhelmed. What do I reach for?" Krista Resnick 

"It's about your relationship with alcohol. Perhaps it's worth asking the question-Why I'm choosing to grab that glass?"  Krista Resnick 

Elise Knox is a life and wellness coach, yoga teacher, and former middle school teacher who works with moms and teens. She is fascinated by brain development and the nervous system and believes that understanding these two things can make teen years so much easier for mamas and teens.

Elise offers mama centered and teen centered coaching packages. Her mission is to bring enjoyment back into family relationships by helping her clients connect with themselves so that they can stay connected to their loved ones.

In today's episode, we talk about all things boundaries, teens and so much more.  I have a passion for parents staying connected to their kids during those turbulent years (having raised 3 of them myself) so this episode is near and dear to my heart.  

Before listening to this episode consider:

• Do you want to feel more connected to your teen?
• Do you feel disempowered and even a bit hesitant in your parenting?
• Do you often struggle to find the words and compassionately communicate with your child?
• Do you feel disconnected and distant from your teen?
• Are you challenged to know what healthy boundaries should look like when it comes to your teen?

"There's so many aspects to being a parent of a teen that are challenging." ~Elise Knox

"I think teens get a bad rap. When you meet with them one on one, the depth and the width in the knowledge and the capacity in these young people is amazing." ~Elise Knox

"When it comes to mom's of teens, one of the best thing a mother can do is to be connected to herself. So often we are busy fixing problems or worrying about our kids, but ultimately our own cup has to be full in order to meet our teen and her needs." ~Elise Knox

LINKS FROM EPISODE

I can't think of a better time to release this episode than the New Year.  So many of us want to create beautiful things in this fresh season, yet we struggle with comparison, convincing ourselves that we don't have the right skill set to share our gifts.  Or we struggle with fear, believing that we aren't smart enough or qualified to share our opinions and our wisdom.  This doesn't move the needle forward on anything our hearts desire and it leaves us feeling hopeless, insecure and disappointed.

That's why this discussion with Susan Barber, Visibility Coach, author and podcaster is so imperative right now.

Susan and I chat about all things visibility whether it's being more visible in your marriage, friendships, community or corporation.  She has put together a simple  framework that people can use to begin being visible in their own style, and authenticity.  What I love about this dialogue is how honest and vulnerable Susan is with her own struggle to be visible.  I learned so much from this discussion and I have no doubt you will too.

Before listening consider:

• Are you being visible in your relationships, in your communities, in your marriage?
• Do you have a tendency to hide yourself, to placate and play small?
• Do you find yourself constantly working, staying busy, and having a full calendar?
• Do you find yourself battling imposter syndrome-thinking you’re not smart enough, good enough, need to know more before you speak up?
• Do you doubt yourself and your capabilities?
• Do you want to come out of your shell and play bigger this year?

Listen to Learn:

• What visibility is
• Why visibility matters
• Why we sometimes struggle to be visible.
• How to begin to release perfectionism so you can be visible in the way that you desire.
• Simple tips to start being more visible and having a presence whether it's in the boardroom OR your life.

“Two words I have embraced for myself…imperfect action!” ~Susan Barber

“I never really knew how to trust myself. I didn't know how to trust that I was doing the right things, I would always wait for someone else to tell me.” ~Susan Barber

“The baby steps in between that actually get us from A to B.” ~Susan Barber

“Feedback can help you amplify your potential.”~Krista Resnick

2023...WHO are you going to become?  What are you going to create with your life?

This podcast is an absolute must listen for all of you wanting to cultivate something different in your life this year.

Listen to learn:

• The powerful questions I use to get clarity on what I'm creating in the next few months or year
• The #1 question everyone needs to ask themselves if they want to experience something different in 2023
• Why trying to do everything doesn't work, but what does work instead.

"Taking the feedback from our own life is a powerful tool-otherwise, we are carrying all that didn't work so well for us into 2023."~Krista Resnick

"In 2023, who are you going to become?" ~Krista Resnick

"Sometimes, the very first place we need to start is giving ourselves permission to stop trying to do it all.   To stop saying yes to everyone else, so that you can make your highest contribution towards the things that are essential....the things that actually matter to you." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS MENTIONED IN SHOW

I created this process of reflection a few years ago because truthfully, it was exactly what I needed.  I spent so much time forging ahead into the New Year, ready to ditch the past and leave everything behind.  I watch many people do the same.  I want to encourage you to reconsider and try something different.  There is so much rich information in the feedback of your life.  And when we don't take the time to complete it, we limit our ability to move forward.  We continue into the new year gangbusters style, hoping and wishing for a new things, yet we don't realize that we are carrying with us old behaviors, habits and patterns from the past.  

Listen to Learn:

• Why feedback is a power tool in creating from a place of deep clarity
• Why so many people are afraid to collect feedback from their life
• The exact deep journaling questions I use (and you will too now)  to collect the rich information you need to move forward into 2023 from a place of clarity and alignment
• How to create a life that feels expansive and meaningful (I call this following my energetic breadcrumbs)

Have you ever set a goal or wanted something in life but 3 days later you found yourself "sabotaging" the very thing you say you are after?

Have you ever felt like you were stuck somewhere between wanting to lose weight and eating the oreos, wanting to be more connected with your kids yet staring into a device once again at the dinner table or wanting to commit to a spiritual practice, but never following through?

Welcome to being HUMAN!!!!  We live with these conflictual parts inside of us each and everyday.  We find ourselves often doing things we don't want to do and don't even like-especially when we are under stress.  

This takes a huge toll on our self worth and our life.

But these parts are not who we are.  Our true Self is our God Image-the part of us that is courageous, compassionate, curious and calm.  

In this episode I explain why I don't believe we actually self sabotage and why we really aren't stuck like we think we are.  

This is one episode you won't want to miss!

Listen to Learn:

• Why I don't believe in self sabotage
• Why we aren't stuck like we think we are
• What our true essence really is
• Why we "self -sabotage" 

"Vague vision equals vague results." ~Krista Resnick

"The idea of stuckness seems to almost be a part of the human condition." ~Krista Resnick

"We're really not sabotaging as much as we are protecting." ~Krista Resnick

"Asking for support is one of the most courageous, courageous, brave things you can do." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS IN EPISODE:

Today's podcast was inspired by a question I received from a podcast listener-"Hi Krista! I've been wondering how to deal with the guilt that comes from not wanting to meet and greet elders who I no longer look up to due to their harmful behavior." Here in India, in my family, we women ought to respect and tolerate elders (even if they are mean).  I'm wondering how I can slyly get through this without much heartburn or drama!

Sound familiar?  Do you struggle with guilt?  If so, you are not alone.  We are taught from an early age to take responsibility for how other people feel.

“Susan-how do you think that made that person feel?”  "Abby, go say your sorry."  "Sarah, just look at how Debbie feels-that's terrible that you said that!"

Many times, our caregivers and parents meant well, but if our younger childhood parts experienced mis-attunement, disconnection, or were not offered the core needs of safety, love, connection, belonging, and understanding by our caregivers in childhood, an inner child wound is formed. 

This can often shows up in adulthood as a deep feeling of guilt, fear of abandonment, lack of trust, and/or self-neglect.  Guilt drives our behavior to feeling a level of obligation-committing to things and people that we aren't necessarily excited about committing to and in essence creating lives that are mediocre rather than a life coming from a place of a FULL YES!!!

Listen to Learn:

• What guilt is
• Why guilt is actually a healthy feeling
• What guilt is designed to do
• Where guilt comes from
• A three step tool to help you move through guilt and say YES to the things that light your soul on fire (rather than commit to things because of an obligation).

"While we can’t physically go back in time and change the past, we can be present to how our past impacts us today and choose to show up for ourselves and heal the younger parts of us that are wounded. " ~Krista Resnick

"If your younger parts experienced mis-attunement, disconnection, or were not offered the core needs of safety, love, connection, belonging, and understanding by our caregivers in childhood, an inner child wound is formed."~ Krista Resnick

"We are taught from an early age to take responsibility for how other people feel."~Krista Resnick

"Guilt has a specific purpose-it has a specific job.  Just like fear.  Fear is designed to keep us safe-don’t run toward the bear, don’t run off that cliff." ~Krista Resnick

"Guilt is designed to re-route behavior."~Krista Resnick

Links from this Episode

Today's podcast was inspired by a listener named Jan.  Here is what she wrote-"Hi Krista, I love the holidays, but feel I end up doing most of the work, cleaning, decorating, shopping, etc and get exhausted just even thinking about it!  I don't think I get to fully enjoy the holidays as those around me get to."

This is such a common issue not only at the holidays, but in everyday life.  Many of us over-help, manage and  strive to be useful and productive at our workplaces, our homes, and in our relationships often at our own detriment.  

As a result, our needs go unmet.  We try to hint by being dropping subtle hints or even becoming passive aggressive, but to no avail-other people often don't pick up on our vague requests.  We are terrified to be honest about what's not working in the relationship because we are trying to manage someone else's feelings.  

This episode I dive into the topic of choice, needs, staying regulated and allowing yourself to feel your feelings-all really important things to acknowledge when we are doing the hard work of mastering our boundaries.  

Listen to learn:

• Why needs are the foundation to boundaries
• The #1 mindset you need for setting any boundary
• Why boundaries are an essential tool for any important relationship
• Why boundaries sometimes feel so challenging

"When we don't acknowledge the fact that we've got choice, that is the exact moment that our life goes into chaos and we become a victim of life." ~Krista Resnick

"We want to create a space- a pause before we react.  Because in these situations, we get to ask the hard questions...do we HAVE to entertain?   And do I HAVE to do ALL of the work? Is that the way that it has to be just because that's the way that it's always been done? Or could there be another possibility here? Could there be some other choices? Could there be some other alternative options that we get to take a look at?" ~Krista Resnick

"Needs are not the same as being needy.  Needy is coming from that place of your unhealed wounds. It's that 'you complete me' type energy. It's I need you to do X, Y or Z or to show up as X, Y or Z so that I can be okay. Needs come from our leadership. They come from our autonomy. They come from our sovereignty which sounds like... 'Hey, I have a need. And because I am a sovereign human being, because I love and honor myself I am asking for this need to be met." ~Krista Resnick 

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As the holidays approach, like many of you-I too can feel a level of angst.  

Sometimes it’s as if someone has taken a small pinhole to my balloon and slowly I am leaking out my life force and vitality.  It’s hard being around family members who don’t show up in a loving, kind and conscious manner. It’s hard to be around friends and family who take zero responsibility for their hurtful behaviors.  And it’s hard to be around friends and family who want to stay stuck on the victim triangle and expect you to jump on board with them.

There are times it almost doesn’t seem worth it-to speak up, to lean into risk, but when we continue to shove everything under the rug eventually we trip, we  stumble and hurt ourselves in the process.   I believe that it’s time to get serious about that.  It’s not my job (or yours) to shove my truth deep down just to manage other people’s feelings.

When we suppress our truth, it takes us right out of our sovereignty-our aliveness-our very lifeforce.

In this episode I am sharing two very powerful mindsets to empower you to take your sovereignty back into your own hands, to experience the holidays the way that YOU desire so that you don’t have to keep waiting for your external circumstances to change.

Listen to learn:

• How you can find guidance and wisdom in your challenges
• The reason we get stuck creating a life by default
• The #1 mindset you can use to get back to the helm of your own personal leadership.

"When we suppress our truth, it takes us right out of our own sovereignty-aliveness- our very own lifeforce." ~Krista Resnick

"The minute we forget we have choice-is the minute our life goes into chaos and we become a victim of life." ~Krista Resnick

"When we are constantly reacting-avoiding, stuffing, suppressing-who or what owns you?" ~Krista Resnick

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What do you want your holidays to look like, feel like this year?

Ultimately how we do anything is how we do everything-so if you don't love how your holidays feel, we have to ask-"where else is that showing up in your life?"  Where have you given your power away and ultimately believe that you don't have choice.

When we forget that we have the power of choice-we live our lives un-intentionally.  And days becomes weeks, weeks become years and years become our whole entire life!  I believe we've got to get serious about this!  So while this episode is using the holiday season as an opportunity to get clear on what actually matters to you, we can use what I'm sharing here and apply it to our entire life.  

Are you choices of what you are giving your time, energy and resources to made consciously? When you say YES to something, is that actually what you want? When you say NO to something, it that actually what you want?  Are you giving your life force to things that make you feel alive? 

This episode is one that you will want to come back to again and again as I am sharing basic principles and ideas about how to create a life by design.  

We get caught up in believing it's the big flashy moments that we grow, but it's everything in between-it's the small daily choices, habits, decisions and conversations that produce the most fruit.  

I too am reminding myself that much of what I (we) do is wildly unimportant.  Using our discernment to align to what makes us feel alive is powerful and places us right back at the helm of our leadership.  

Listen to Learn:

• The 3 mindsets you need to ditch in order to empower yourself and feel alive this holiday season and beyond. 
• Two powerful questions you can sit with to create a holiday season that feels aligned for you.  
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"I was standing in the toy aisle at Target, crying, because ultimately I felt as if I didn't have the power of choice." ~Krista Resnick

"We have to start getting serious about the fact that our entire life will pass us by if we are not intentional about it." ~Krista Resnick

"We cannot do everything." ~Krista Resnick

"Most people have this invisible obligation to things, situations, and people, pushing us to believe that ultimately, we don't have a choice." ~Krista Resnick

LINKS MENTIONED

What happens when you try to set a boundary with someone but old stories and programming are driving you to feel guilty and say yes.

Guilt can be a helpful feeling when we have actually done something wrong.  It allows us the opportunity to re-route our behavior, clean up our mess, make amends and move on.  When looked at this way-guilt can be a beautiful feeling.

However, guilt can often be used in an unhealthy manner.  Many times we want to be seen as a good person, so we use guilt to beat ourselves up-to make ourselves suffer for a choice we made so that we still can be seen as a good mom, good friend, good daughter, good wife.

Today’s caller Katie has butted heads with her daughter since she was born.  When Katie and her ex divorced, she  admits she would give in to her daughter’s every whim in fear of losing her to her ex-husband.

Katie is finding herself in a new season of life, excited about her future as she is soon to be an empty nester.  However, she is concerned that she will slip into old patterns with her daughter of over giving when it's not even necessarily asked.  Katie feels driven by guilt and old the programming that sounds like I will be a “bad mom” if I don’t chip in and help.

Katie and I spend a lot of time unpacking how she feels in her body when she is triggered at the idea of setting a boundary with her daughter.  Setting boundaries is a lot more than saying NO.  For many of us who grew up with wounding around being seen and valued, we learned to give our power away to being in other people’s good graces.  The  thought that someone was upset with us, literally felt like death.

So while I could give Katie every boundary script to advocate for her needs, the real work here is to get the body on board.  The real work in boundary setting is learning how to focus on boundaries from two perspectives: somatic (or physical, bodily) experiences and verbal (or spoken) boundaries.

When we are dysregulated in our bodies, our boundaries will always be set from that place of scarcity, lack and limitation which is never good for us or for nurturing our relationships.

Consider:

• Do you feel guilt or shame when asking for what you need?
• Are you always putting others first?
• Do you resent other people for crossing invisible lines you’re too scared to communicate?
• What sort of modeling did you see in regard to boundary setting when you were growing up?
• Does conflict scare you?
• Would you rather shove everything under the rug rather than deal with the issues at hand?

Katie’s Question:My daughter is going through a divorce, and needs more financial and time support. And I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to set clear boundaries with her about how much I can give.

Listen to learn:

• How to tap into the wisdom of the body
• What it looks like to create a pause button before you acquiesce or potentially say yes to something that you’re not quite certain about.
• What it means to set boundaries from an empowered place
• How to stop avoiding conflict and speak up for yourself in a way that is still compassionate and kind
• Why conflict is a beautiful thing
• How you can move forward in your relationships if there has been a rupture

“Boundaries require a level of somatic work.  Because when we know how to regulate ourselves, only then can we actually set a boundary  from our place of truth.” ~Krista Resnick

“Conflict is an opportunity to call us forward and claim what matters to us.” ~Krista Resnick

LINKS:

How do you feel about the holidays that seem to be approaching so quickly? I spent years like a mixed bag of emotions-excited for the nostalgia and memories to be made-yet immediate exhaustion and angst would quickly approach when I would think about everything that 'needed' to be done.   I said yes to every opportunity-striving and grasping for what I thought would make the holidays perfect.  Yet I left myself and my own personal well being out of the equation.  I was tired from showing up at gathering and parties that I only said yes to out of obligation, I was tired of feeling the pressure to make purchases for people that I barely knew, and I was exhausted from believing that in order to have a successful and magical holiday season everything has to be to the extreme.   

Personal needs was a concept that I was unfamiliar with, yet it is one of the most basic and foundational aspects of our human experience.  And that's what today's episode is all about-needs.   I had needs of connection, to matter, to be seen and belonging-but how I was trying to fill those needs wasn't working.   Now I approach the holidays with a different perspective.  I choose to fill my own cup, ask for the support I need and prioritize what is essential and what might need to take a back seat.   Understanding your needs (especially around the holiday season when stress and overwhelm is high) is an essential understanding to your personal joy.   

Listen to Learn: 

• Why human needs are universal.   
• The human needs we all share Personal client stories of 'ditching the idea of the most magical holiday ever" and stepping into more joy and ease.   
• The connection between feelings and needs 
• Why needs is a foundation concept to acknowledge in our personal relationships 
• How to create a bridge between you and your partner.  

"What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart" ~Dr Marshall Rosenberg, Founder of Nonviolent Communication 

"Our feelings and needs guide our behavior." ~Krista Resnick 

"Human needs are universal." ~Krista Resnick 

"Nonviolent communication allow us to connect with our own feelings and needs, and the feelings and needs of others. " ~Krista Resnick 

"The invitation within non-violent communication is first connect with yourself so you understand your own feelings and needs before making requests of another." ~Krista Resnick 

"When we blame, criticize, judge, or demean others, we're actually speaking violently.  We are shutting down the rich connection and nourishment that we crave." ~Krista Resnick 

"When you aren't feeling the way you want to feel, ask yourself-what might be your unmet need?" ~Krista Resnick

 LINKS FROM THIS EPISODE