Betrayal Recovery Radio: The Official Podcast of APSATS

Over the last two decades, the way mental health professionals understand and treat the experience of betrayal has radically shifted from an emphasis on co-addiction and codependency to an embrace of the traumatic nature of intimate betrayal. In this conversation with Stacey Sadler, Cheryl Rogers, and Kathy Reynolds, they reflect both personally and professionally on this evolution and discuss how neglecting the treatment of betrayal trauma has consequences not only for the betrayed partner, but also the entire family system. Modalities for treating this trauma are discusses, as well as a paradigm for seeing betrayal trauma treatment as a matter of justice. Stacey, Cheryl, and Kathy are teaming up to provide a brand new program for betrayed partnered, Returning to You™. They give a preview of this unique therapeutic retreat designed from the ground up for betrayed partners to address their trauma.

If you are interested in the Returning to You™ Partner Program, use the link below. Mention that you heard about the program on APSATS Betrayal Recovery Radio to receive a 5% discount on the cost of the retreat.

Grief: The sticky middle piece of the betrayal recovery experience and the place many partners and couples get stuck. It seems that many in Western culture have lost the intuitive communal mourning processes that are still so common in other cultures. We have individualized and privatized our grief and mourning into a strictly personal affair. But there is so much value in the shared and collective experience of mourning, the knowing and being known of letting it be seen. Join Cat and Jake as they explore the value of communal mourning and discuss ways to share the grief experience between couples and communities.

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Carol the Coach returns to Betrayal Recovery Radio to share more about how to heal from betrayal. In this conversation with Dr. Jake, she focuses on the stages of healing from betrayal trauma and also goes deep into the topic of posttraumatic growth. Carol also gives a sneak peak into her upcoming keynote at the Restoring Hearts Conference.

We are inherently social beings. Our brains are wired to connect, and when we feel disconnected, we struggle.  If we feel isolated, our chances of having some type of psychiatric diagnosis increases.  In the brain, the mirror neuron network helps us to understand subtleties in social, emotional and linguistic interchanges. The extended mirror neuron network helps us to interpret these subtleties.  If our mirror neuron system is dysregulated, we struggle with being able to connect in an authentic and emotionally vulnerable way, and therefore, we can struggle with an inner loneliness.  Laura Childers and her team are working to regulate the mirror neuron system on the brain level in order to decrease the recovery time of sex addiction and partner betrayal trauma.  This interview between Dr. Windell Gill and Laura Childers will go over the areas of the brain that help us to connect, as well as ways that we are treating the brain and therefore, increasing empathy and the ability to authentically connect with emotionally vulnerability.

The aftermath of betrayal can put all of our relationships into question. Secrecy, confusion, fear of judgement, and shame can lead to the loss of long time relationships as a woman sorts through her pain and tries to make sense of her reality. Join us as we talk with Lyschel Burket, Lead Hope Caster for Hope Redefined and podcast co-host for Hope For Wives.  She will talk about the unexpected gift that comes when we are able to find community that can walk in the mud with us in this particular season. Suddenly they become new friends that were very much needed.

In marriages and intimate relationships affected by sexual addiction, it is not uncommon for emotional abuse be present. Sometimes the abusive behaviors can increase with more intensity when the one struggling with the addiction becomes "sober" but is not fully committed to recovery. These behaviors are often maladaptive coping mechanisms fueled by shame and stemming from unhealed trauma. Many do not realize they are engaging in these unhealthy coping skills.  Also, their intent is not to hurt, but the impact is often devastating. Defining forms of emotional abuse and the damaging effects it can have in marriages where problematic sexual behavior is or has been present is necessary to help bring light to this issue and also to find hope and healing for both partners.

While GASLIGHTING is now a pop-culture buzz word, AND Merriam-Webster's word of the year, a lot of what is out there is either misinformation, or incomplete information. The result? A LOT of people are incorrectly slapping the label of gaslighting on to situations that are actually NOT a gaslighting experience. The overuse of the word has left most of us with MORE questions than answers.  Let's take a few situations and look at whether or not gaslighting is occurring, and if not — why not!

Dr. Jake is joined in this episode by Sarah Morales, CPC. Sarah is an APSATS certified life and relationship coach and member of the APSATS Board of Directors who has been coaching individuals and groups professionally for 10 years.  During that time, she has contracted with numerous helping professionals, spoken at national conferences, and been invited to speak on podcasts, all from the lens of her gaslighting expertise. In 2022, her gaslighting specialty culminated in her Deconstructing Gaslighting™ offerings: a free video series, signature 12-week course and podcast – all aimed at empowering others to better understand and identify gaslighting in their lives and relationships. Sarah’s passion to empower others to transform their lives fuels her work with her clients and pushes her to continue developing new programs on the cutting edge of helping others grow to know, trust, and love themselves more than they knew was possible.

TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains content that could be upsetting or painful to individuals at particular points in their journey to healing from trauma. Please honor your intuition about whether this is the right time for you to engage this episode.

Discovering the specifics of your partner's sexual fantasies or behaviors can be devastating and disturbing. However, fantasies don't have to be scary. Sexual fantasies lose much of their power when you can understand the story behind them. We'll dive into how sexual fantasies work, the three storylines of every sexual fantasy, and four practical steps for what to do with sexual fantasies.

(Part 2 of 2) "Family of Origin" is the term used in counseling work to refer to the relational systems into which we were born and raised. Our families of origin leave lasting impacts on us all. They are the source of so many of our most basic ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

A crucial step in healing for all people is to gain an awareness of our families of origin. This awareness takes us outside our biased perspective as participants and gives us the view of an outside, unbiased observer.

When we come to see our families of origin more clearly, we also see more clearly our own identity, strengths, challenges, drives, and defenses. With this awareness, we can unlock a sense of freedom from old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that have kept us imprisoned our whole lives long.

(Part 1 of 2) "Family of Origin" is the term used in counseling work to refer to the relational systems into which we were born and raised. Our families of origin leave lasting impacts on us all. They are the source of so many of our most basic ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

A crucial step in healing for all people is to gain an awareness of our families of origin. This awareness takes us outside our biased perspective as participants and gives us the view of an outside, unbiased observer.

When we come to see our families of origin more clearly, we also see more clearly our own identity, strengths, challenges, drives, and defenses. With this awareness, we can unlock a sense of freedom from old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that have kept us imprisoned our whole lives long.

Everything about your sexual health is impacted when you are betrayed by someone you love and trust.  Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, an ASSECT Certified Sex Therapist, and an APSATS Certified Clinical Partner Specialist.  She helps betrayed partners move from unhealthy to healthy sexuality in the healing process after betrayal.  Dr. Hollenbeck understands the traumatic impact on you as an individual and as a sexual partner and she offers hope for partners that getting to a place of sexual health and enjoyment is possible after betrayal.  

Sex addiction is often an intimacy disorder. For many, its roots take hold during the early stages of childhood development when we should be given the instruction and nurturing needed to emotionally bond with others. When this does not happen, we struggle to feel love, or for that matter, feel any emotions. We are emotionally undeveloped. This leaves us lacking the skills and resources needed to emotionally connect on a deeper level. So even if one becomes sexually-sober, if one does not learn to become emotionally developed, relationships will continue to suffer. Often we see this in his inability to comfort a partner during suffering from betrayal trauma. By becoming emotionally developed, we can develop the confidence needed to emotionally connect and be vulnerable. Dr. Eddie Capparucci, author of "Why Men Struggle to Love: Overcoming Relational Blind Spots," joins Dr. Jake to discuss why sobriety isn't enough and how sex addicts can develop further emotionally.

Betrayal Trauma is a reality. It’s not weakness of character, lack of forgiveness, or a sign of resentment. The discovery of secret betrayal has a literal, physical affect on the brain and its ability to process and act upon the data we take in as we move through life. In this episode, you’ll hear the second half of Dr. Jake Porter’s keynote presentation on Betrayal Trauma at the XPOSED conference from earlier this year in Portland, Oregon. In it, he discusses what Betrayal Trauma is, how it affects the brain, and what is needed for healing.   

Betrayal Trauma is a reality. It’s not weakness of character, lack of forgiveness, or a sign of resentment. The discovery of secret betrayal has a literal, physical affect on the brain and its ability to process and act upon the data we take in as we move through life. In this episode, you’ll hear the first half of Dr. Jake Porter’s keynote presentation on Betrayal Trauma at the XPOSED conference from earlier this year in Portland, Oregon. In it, he discusses what Betrayal Trauma is, how it affects the brain, and what is needed for healing.

Betrayed partners are usually so traumatized by the discovery of their partners' addiction or betrayal that they are trying to just put together the reality of what life is and has truly been. The first phase of healing from betrayal trauma is safety and stabilization. One of the first things that needs to happen is to find out what the betrayed partner needs to feel safe, and that usually means involving the betrayer. But what happens if the ones who did the betraying discard their partners' safety needs, as well as what it takes to live a life of integrity?   

Divorce might seem like the obvious answer when betrayal occurs, but there are ways to save a marriage or relationship if the betrayer and partner are willing to step into healing. In this conversation between Dr. Jake and APSATS Certified Partner Coach Kim Hansen Petroni, they discuss the topic of divorce after the betrayal from several angles.   

One of the trickiest scenarios recovering addicts and betrayed partners must navigate involves disclosure to children. How much do you tell? When do you share? Who should do it? While there's no one-size-fits-all approach to answer these questions, some principles are generally helpful to those who are facing this reality. In this episode, APSATS-trained Carley Pool, LPC Associate discusses these matters with Dr. Jake.

(This is the second part of a two-part series on core values. If you've not yet heard part one, go listen to that first!)

Everyone has values. Some people choose their values on purpose. Others fall into valuing things that lead them away from the life they want most.  

Everyone has values. Some people choose their values on purpose. Others fall into valuing things that lead them away from the life they want most. Core values act as guides, pointing us in the direction of our dreams, hope, and expectations. This is true for individuals, but it can be true for couples, as well. Discover the power of shared values in relationships through this episode with Dr. Jake Porter!  

In this conversation on the needs of couples after the discovery of sexual addiction, Dr. Jake is joined by Carol the Coach discuss her ERCEM model, the Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model. Jake and Carol talk about the three phases of healing for betrayal trauma, and how the betraying partner can help to heal the relationship, despite being the cause of pain. They discuss what true empathy is, and how it can transform the dynamic of the relationship and open the way to true healing.

In Julie's interview, she will discuss why attunement is important, how it can be developed, the three C's of Non-Verbal Communication: context, cluster, congruency.

Albert Mehrabian's 55%, 38%, 7% Rule states that only 7% of what we communicate is with words, and yet we focus so many tools on this aspect. The rest of what we say is through signals, micro-expressions, facial reflexes, breathing patterns, and noises. Developing attunement to your partner's distress signals prior to the need for tools may help co-regulation prior to a conflict erupting. This can change the energy between partners and create safety in the relationship.

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Betrayal can be devastating to your partner and your relationship, but many couples still love one another and are committed to mending their relationships. In order to do this, it is important for the unfaithful party to understand the traumatic nature of betrayal, and understand how to respond sensitively to their partner's pain. It is also critical they adopt a stance of honesty, transparency and commitment in their relationships. This often includes participating in a facilitated disclosure and emotional restitution process. Join APSATS trained coach Kathy Reynolds and APSATS founding president, Dr. Barbara Steffens, for this powerful conversation.

Many people initially seek therapy for problems in their intimate relationships unaware that attachment patterns established in childhood directly affect behavior in their adult relationships. It is important to dismantle and become mindful of survival strategies unconsciously created in childhood that cause dysfunction in adult life. Neglect and our reaction to it is one of the most subtle and unrecognized of those problems which interferes with our ability to love and be loved.

We are naturally created to seek connection, but when unconscious patterns interfere with this process they can produce devastating emotional pain and unhealthy behaviors that prevent this from happening. The first order of business is to unpack risky family situations, brain chemistry, and genetic factors to become mindful of how behaviors in the now are unconsciously being dictated by the past. Awareness then becomes one of the the keys to healing patterns that keep us from achieving true intimacy.

Join Dr. Jake Porter in this interview with Enod Gray, LCSW, CSAT, and author of Neglect: The Silent Abuser.

After the discovery of sexual betrayal, betrayed partners need much more than "mere sobriety" for trust to be rebuilt. In this episode, Dr. Jake interview APSATS Certified Partner Coach Michelle Dyett-Welcome on the topic of life integrity. By focusing on issues of character and the necessity of core values living, those who have committed betrayal can experience deep healing for themselves, and make a space for the healing of their partners and relationships.  

In this episode, Dr. Jake reflects on some of the things he's learned over the years he's worked with sex addicts and betrayed partners. He discusses why these lessons are important for both professionals in the field but also those individuals seeking to recovery from the consequences of addiction and betrayal. Dr. Jake expands on these eight lessons:

Listen in to be empowered with knowledge that can change the course of your healing journey.

Discovery of sexual betrayal erodes safety, trust and intimacy in relationships. This brings devastation to the partner and the relationship. So how do we start the process of healing after sexual betrayal? One major way to begin healing is through a formal disclosure process, facilitated by a professional. In this episode, we’ll explore what a formal disclosure is, as well as the benefits and risks of doing a disclosure. We’ll address best practices in the full disclosure process, including exploring different options for how these disclosures can take place. We’ll utilize resources we’ve created for facilitating safe and effective disclosures, and how couples can begin to heal after sexual betrayal.