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Certified Cinephiles

Certified Cinephiles

By William Woods

A podcast from two cinema sickos: Patrick Richardson and William Woods. Two of the world's smartest movie geniuses are bringing retribution to Hollywood's most hated films. Hollywood critics are a bunch of assholes, and Certified Cinephiles is here to tell you exactly how they got it wrong. Every week we uncover a movie that was buried deep in the dank, craven recesses of Hollywood's forgotten memories. Do you like movies? Do you feel wronged by the freakasses in La La Land telling you your favorite films are actually dog dumps? Then this podcast is for you.
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Currently playing episode

Country Bears ft The Grawlix

Certified Cinephiles May 31, 2023

00:00
01:15:56
Country Bears ft The Grawlix

Country Bears ft The Grawlix

Patrick and Will encounter all sorts of bear bands in this bear adventure. Bears are so fucking talented and ferocious.

featuring:

Adam Cayton Holland, Andrew Orvedahl and Ben Roy as Blink Hibernatey Two


(link to wikipedia for bears goes here)

May 31, 202301:15:56
Drop Dead Fred

Drop Dead Fred

Deepstate Hollywood Agents finally got a hold of us and it doesn't end pretty...for them. Heh heh heh. This week we watched Drop Dead Fred.


join the patreon to hear all of the second season now: patreon.com/birthdaypiss

May 24, 202301:02:33
Surviving the Game

Surviving the Game

This week! We are talking about the hit movie Surviving the game starring Ice-T and Gary Busey! Why does hollywood hate Gary Busey, Why did Ice-T get dragged out into the middle of the woods to be hunted. And why is William in trouble for pranking a family super hard?



May 17, 202301:17:31
Timecop

Timecop

daaamn we're getting good at this!!! timecop fuckin rules. 

intro skit:

timecop: trent dozier

present day van damme: damon  royster


next week we watch the ice-t HEATER surviving the game: gary busey goes full sicko mode in this thing

become a supporter at patreon.com/birthdaypiss to hear the entire first season now!

May 10, 202301:14:03
Steel

Steel

steel and martin get a hot lead on some terrorist activity happening on junkyard island, can steel and his supersuit save junkyard island in time for the junkyard basketball championship?

intro skit:

steel - david gborie

martin - shanel hughes

gun man - danny maupin

next week we watch van damme in the action packed 90's sci fi masterpiece: timecop

May 03, 202301:18:41
Camp Rock

Camp Rock

the evil journalist snurd is trying to turn america's population into classical music loving losers by killing all the kids at rock n roll high school, but luckily, rockerman is on the scene. camp rock: an oasis and safe haven for young rockers to grow and thrive, or a hell island--designed to milk hit songs from the teets of young unassuming teens? find out on episode three of season two of certified cinephiles!!! next week we tackle the junkyard misadventures of the superhero world's leading rebounder, shaq's magnum opus: 'steel' intro skit: rockerman - matt cobos snurd & demi lovato: gabby gutierrez-reed joe jonas: michael isaacs hosted by william woods & patrick richardson


full season available now at patreon.com/birthdaypiss

Apr 26, 202301:16:59
Spymate

Spymate

minkey is the world's smartest primate spy. on a search mission for his missing friend c.i.ape, minkey runs into dr. deepstate. a force so evil, even the spymate minkey might not make it out alive.


intro skit:

minkey - stanley sievers

next week we watch the rock n roll classic camp rock

join the patreon to see the entire second season now: patreon.com/birthdaypiss

Apr 19, 202301:27:43
Asian Connection

Asian Connection

Weeeee're back!! The beast is in the east! A true action hero is banished to asia in the wake of deepstate hollywood villainy. can he overcome his obesity and save the world? 

next week we look into another monkey spy thriller: spymate

intro skit:

steven seagal - sam tallent

join the patreon to see the entire second season now: patreon.com/birthdaypiss

Apr 12, 202301:05:21
X2 - certified cinephiles season 2 preview

X2 - certified cinephiles season 2 preview

season two early access is available now at patreon.com/birthdaypiss

Jan 27, 202302:58
X1 - birthday piss patreon preview w matt cobos

X1 - birthday piss patreon preview w matt cobos

we know we're taking our sweet ass time w season two of cinephiles, but we promise it will be worth it! 

the whole birthday piss squad gets together in the pisscord!! CERTIFIED COBOSPHILES!!!

listen to the full episode and enjoy a bonus episode like this one every week for $5 at patreon.com/birthdaypiss

Dec 13, 202206:00
I'm in Love with a Church Girl

I'm in Love with a Church Girl

On the season finale, we bring on our Christian theologian expert BK Sharad to break down just exactly how to fall in love with a Church Girl. Ja Rule stars in this movie about love, faith and destiny. Thanks for being a part of the first season of Certified Cinephiles! We will back in 2023 with an action packed second season!! MOOOOVIE BOYS

Sep 06, 202201:02:03
Mars Needs Moms

Mars Needs Moms

Mars Needs Moms AKA the film that Disney pressed self destruct on. This movie in all of its glory is a cinematic masterpiece. A work of art packed to the brim with A-LIST talent from the crew to the cast. Every ounce of this movie lives up to its 150 million dollar budget and anyone with a pair of eyes will agree its terrible reviews don't make a lick of sense. That is until you start digging. On Certified Cinephiles season 1, we have only barely scratched the surface of Hollywood’s elitist deep state. In this season's penultimate episode, we show you just WHY one of the world's most powerful studios decided to go to great lengths in order to publicly flop their own movie, and just why we have never seen mocap animation since.


next episode will be our last before we take a break to gear up for season 2 of certified cinephiles. thank you so much for your patience while we get things in order and rework the show a bit! we've learned a lot from these first 16 episodes, and we look forward to expanding the certified cinephiles universe. thanks to those of you who have been here from the beginning: we love you for loving our weird movie podcast. we plan to be back in late october or early november--stay tuned for more info on season two of certified cinephiles. movie boys!!!!!!!!

Aug 30, 202201:07:41
Love on a Leash

Love on a Leash

Prince is a homeless golden retriever with a secret: HE USED TO BE A MAN. In this heartfelt yet hilarious film, Prince takes us on a journey of love. This movie has several dog on woman sex scenes. DO NOT WATCH IT IF YOU'RE NOT OPEN MINDED. This one is for real cinephiles only. #FREETOP


For exclusive bonus episodes and video content, sign up for our patreon at patreon.com/birthdaypiss



Aug 23, 202201:07:04
Chairman of The Board pt 2

Chairman of The Board pt 2

#freetop In this two part series the cinephiles dive into the nightmare story of Scott Thompson aka Carrot Top. His deal with the devil ( Hollywood) and how it landed him in a conservatorship. This is the truth THEY don't want you to know and they will go after anyone and everyone to make sure this information doesn't see the light of day. Listen to this while you still can and listener discretion is advised. #FREESLOPPYTOPPY


GO TO PATREON.COM/BIRTHDAYPISS TO SUBSCRIBE AND GET BONUS CONTENT--INCLUDING (EVENTUALLY) EXCLUSIVE EPISODES

Aug 16, 202201:18:48
Chairman of The Board pt 1

Chairman of The Board pt 1

#freetop In this two part series the cinephiles dive into the nightmare story of Scott Thompson aka Carrot Top. His deal with the devil ( Hollywood) and how it landed him in a conservatorship. This is the truth THEY don't want you to know and they will go after anyone and everyone to make sure this information doesn't see the light of day. Listen to this while you still can and listener discretion is advised. 

Please note Lionsgate jammed William's technology in this episode. 

Aug 02, 202231:39
Hudson Hawk

Hudson Hawk

Bruce Willis' Magnum Opus but also the movie that bankrupt Tri Star Pictures. Was it really Bruce's terrible writing or was it a higher power and a load of cash telling the public what to think!? All this and more on this weeks episode!  

Jul 26, 202201:11:40
Howard the Duck

Howard the Duck

An incredible film by Lucasfilms that ended up in the gutter. All due to the power hungry fuckers footing the bill at Universal. If you wanted a taste of what Hollywood's elitist deep state can do. This is it! Oh well Atleast this movie flopping ended up creating Pixar! ALL THIS AND MORE ON THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF CERTIFIED CINEPHILES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jul 20, 202201:05:46
3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain

3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain

The critics laughed, the producers cried, but the actors KICKED BUTT!!!! 3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain was the fourth and final installment in the 3 Ninjas Empire. Built with an incredible cast, hilarious slap stick moments, and total balls to the walls foot to the face action. These kids kick soooo much ass it will make your guts hurt from MORE than just laughing. Hollywood's Deep State was at it again with this film. Releasing Hulk Hogans sex tape and racial slur just a week before this movies release. Theaters pulled it and it was only shown sparingly throughout the US. Was this movie THAT BAD or was it a devious plot to destroy racist ass Hulk Hogan in HIS PRIME! The answer is sadly clear! Join the cinephiles this week to talk why this movie is one of the greatest movies of all time and why we need to stand up against the Hollywood elites! 

Jul 12, 202201:09:26
Riding the Bus with My Sister

Riding the Bus with My Sister

If you're one desire in life is to have your heart ripped wide open and tears to flood from your eyes, then look no further than Riding the Bus with My Sister. Hollywood Deep State hated this one so much they fought Hallmark to not even let them play it on TV. Rosie O'Donnell bares it all in this. And I mean it when I say it you've never seen her like this. This movie should have been awarded the noble peace prize, this movie should have made a gazillion bucks! Yet it didn't it was hated by all of the " big wigs" yet adored by the people that saw this film for what it really is. ART. GET READY TO TALK SHOP WITH US! THIS IS CERTIFIED CINEPHILES!


Jul 06, 202201:05:08
Highlander 2

Highlander 2

Who said there can be only one? Highlander 2 one of the greatest action fantasy movies of all time was robbed by the deep state of hollywood film critics. A movie that was filmed in the midst of economic collapse in Argentina, had their editorial staff completely replaced, and went so far over budget the film's bond company had to cease production with 3 weeks left of filming. So yeah I'd say a little bit suspicious that Hollywood's deep state didn't want the people to see this. They did everything in their power to keep this from seeing the light of day and all it takes is one viewing to understand why. The complex socio economic narrative of this movie is a warning to all of mankind. And sadly in the year 2022 its not too far off now is it? This movie needs to be re released in theaters!

Jun 28, 202201:18:19
Garbage Pail Kids

Garbage Pail Kids

Parents lined up outside theaters to protest this movie... The Tops company begged the studio to retreat.... The actors almost died on several occasions in their suits....... but there was no stopping one of the greatest movies of all time! GARBAGE PAIL KIDS! We got puke and puss, and a guy that literally pisses his pants every other scene. If this isn't top tier cinema then I dont know WHAT IS!!!!

Jun 21, 202201:07:51
R.I.P.D.

R.I.P.D.

They said this was a dumb knock off version of men in black. They said every moment of this film is lifeless robotic vomit. The critics burned it to the ground. the lead actor of the film even said he regretted everything about this movie.  AND YET! The film prevails, thrives, and lives! RIPD is a film about two detectives hunting down dead people that just didn't want to stay dead. SIMPLE CONCEPT BRILLIANT EXECUTION! 

Jun 14, 202201:08:21
Battlefield Earth

Battlefield Earth

Battlefield Earth! The year is 3000 and some dread out rave cultured aliens have taken over the planet to mine it for its gold! On that description alone hollywood should have given this movie a hollywood star! But alas these idiots critics had no idea what they were talking about! They said this movie was an absolute waste, confusing, disgusting, made me and my mother SICK! They said these things because they have poor taste! Patrick and William on the other hand have the best taste! Listen to our 4th episode where we give retribution to one of hollywoods biggest hate crimes.

Jun 07, 202201:10:32
C.I.Ape

C.I.Ape

What do you get when you mix government spy operations with a bio engineered genius primate? CI APE! Thats right Certified Cinephiles is back with another episode about how absolutely astounding this movie is. A brilliant unique idea with an even grander follow through. The acting, the direction, the writing the whole kit and caboodle will have you wanting more!!! So why did Hollywood and the weirdo critics online hate this film? Was it jealousy, was it some secret scheme to get their own movie more publicity. We dont know why these idiots had this so wrong but we're here to tell you just how amazing this film is! Buckle in your seatbelts and swing through some trees. Because this episode is a WILLLLD RIDE!

May 31, 202201:03:16
The Incredible Genie

The Incredible Genie

This week, Patrick and William explore The Incredible Genie. A movie from 1999 that explores the hardest part about youth! Making friends. The movie was rated PG dog shit by every critic in Hollywood and boy were they wrong! This movie is actually amazing and should have won 6 or 7 Academy Awards! P and W lay it down for you scene by scene of the magnificence of The Incredible Genie!!!!!!!!!

May 24, 202201:25:59
Dead Heat

Dead Heat

Dead Heat is a film from 1987 about two cops that get freaking killed and brought back to life. The critics said it was trash and sucked! Patrick and I beg to differ and we think it absolutely rules! 

May 17, 202201:09:49