Chapped

Well....if I didn't predict my own fate by making light of these contestants obvious lack of employment.  But my job less is your joy gain because there's literally no excuse for me to miss episodes.  Like my contestants, "I'm taking some me time." As such, I'm giving you what you want.  Hard hitting, live action, play coverage of the world's most disappointing cooking show: Chopped.

Listening highlights:

Well what terrible timing to fall off a regular schedule with releasing this program - someone shared the show and I got hundreds of unique IP addresses streaming this hot, intense action in one day.  Then life happened and I shit everywhere and missed April.  But that's neither here nor there as today we talk tacos and as usual - are let down and turned off by what we take in.

Hot topics:

Someone took notes during the editing phase...didn't she....

Your best friend is back.  Your best friend is taking you gambling.  Craving a weekend in Vegas?  Well how about an episode of Chapped centered around some nasty ingredients and a few contestants obvious gambling addictions in this "Casino Royale" themed episode.

Listening highlights:

Long wieners

The additive properties of the color wheel

My cat's poo

Bottom thirds

Don't get me wrong

But my nut cheese!

Welcome to the  New Year.  Or, if you are a like us, welcome to the beginning of the end of the lunar year.  Just like the old gypsy foretold, today is a day where we take it back to our roots.  The original Chopped kitchen, regular shitty cooking and the usual crew loaded up with Botox.

Some crucial show highlights: 

Rony's many special gifts.

Disrespect served up on a plate.

Undressed arugula.

How wrong I was.

What did you want?  Did you want DOGS?  Well, you got them with this fun episode of Chopped where there are cooking food for a dog.  They also have to make human food but not surprisingly, the dog and his enjoyment takes the cake (no culinary pun intended).

Highlights:

Surface piercings

My light and my bushel

Amanda's jacket

Chris' dog's dick

Trigger warning: this is an episode.  Also, I chose to go rogue and not duck the volume of my reactions because I wanted you to know it is real.  There are some very serious issues discussed this week.  Issues like:

Nico's beauty but also his receding hairline.

Mr. Peanut from the front

3D puzzle

War

Wow, it's like opening up a diary and seeing that I've been in a coma for 2 months.

But instead of a coma, I was living the American dream dumping my unemployment money into a new business.  

But enough about me, let's talk about you.  Let's talk about this action set in a big rustic warehouse with a hook for a hand judge and some gold nails that make you say what?

Sizzling topics:

When the beat it so sick

I'm a comic

A mix and match of timelines

A broken promise

What a great way to resurrect from the dead but with an surprisingly lively episode.  Warning - I do have a new cat and feel free to jump ahead a full 2  minutes when you hear me answer "The Call."

Highlights:

Michelle's face

Michelle's lips

90's DJ's 

Prayer beads

AUDIO WARNING:  THE HOST IS REALLY INTO THIS EPISODE AND IT GETS LOUD AND ROWDY.

If you are listening in headphone, be forewarned the surprises are abundant and worthy of each exclamation.

Hot Pockets:

-It's still Marc and Marc

-Double ball sheen

-The turtles are back

-Fedoras

Never has a truer statement been said - "And we're back."

It's been a minute.  I took some time to mourn the passing of my dear baby cat boy Mr. Jackson.  

Now that I'm back, Martha Stewart is our host, I guess.

Listening highlights:

-It's another Marc V. Marc

-Mama Martha

-Round Bread

-2 minutes of moderate feedback between 15:30 and 17

Is this a Worst Foot Forward Products crossover?  Because we are inventing some revolutionary shit here today!

Hightlights:

Invention

Curtains

America's Cutest Chef

Tears

Greatest of All Time?  

No.  This time GOAT stands for the animal, for whom we have no famous association besides a symbol of hell.  So, if you know of any famous goats, please let us know.  

Get your hand turtles out, because we are gunna have a smashing good time.

Listening highlights:

Scooby Doo

Lentils and their worth compared to a life

Pee Pee Pipeline

My Cousin Dominic

This will be the last time!

Go to anchor.fm/lisadank for the rest!

Shouts out to my djinn Skiskerwah and archangel Mitzrael for joining me for this hot as lava play coverage of America's favorite knife making reality TV show, Forged in Fire.

That morning sunshine sure brought out a lot of fuck words this week.  What else would you expect for a totally bonkers, yet obviously pre-planned out finale, of the Grudge Match.  Who gives a shit about parts 2 and 3.

Talking points:

Marc v. Marc

A long noodle shot

The curse word bleeded out round the world

A paternity twister

BROUGHT TO YOU BY WORST FOOT FORWARD PRODUCTS!  THE MAKERS OF PENIS WHISKERS AND PENIS WHISKERS MAXXXX DEFENSE!

FROM THE MAKER OF CHAPPED - NOW AVAILABLE AT ANCHOR.FM/LISADANK

And we're back on track-lemore featuring a new episode with a totally acceptable amount on technical issues.  

Talking points:

Macklemore's mustache and its impact on fair skin red haired men everywhere

Blood

The Fart Funnel

Bringing Business Casual Back to the Kitchen

After a tragic lost episode and then a second episode taken to its grandpa's house, finally, to end 2020 we have Episode 20.  Not without it's sudden collapse of audio quality in the last three minutes.  My shoulder hurts, my eyes can't see but who gives a shit.  THIS IS CHOPPED.

Talking points:

2 Wedding rings

Trina - Is she the baddest bitch?

Gay Pride Brunch

And a lovely tribute to the Raiders, so obfuscated by the mic failure in the last few moments, I've felt the need to read you this poem now.

Welcome Back, Silver and Black

Is what we said, in Alameda, when the Raiders returned to Oakland.

Go to Hell Silver as well.

[We build Mount Davis, as high as a sky, but the Raiders still left us.

Black and Silver we tried.}

Like Jake Paul fighting Nate Robinson, one of our contestants is set on proving that white can fight.  I don't know if he wins the episode but I do know there is a real special guest (three guests, actually) that make the desert round worth sticking around for.

Talking points

-A near fatal error

-Michael Ian Black

-Oats

Jokes are back!  In a classic two-take episode, we embrace challenging topics largely centered around blood and that sweet sweet hog.  I missed a great opportunity to make Puddle of Mud reference but other than that, we've got a really great show this week.  

Talking points:

- My friend, muralist, Kiri Leigh's father Arthur

- I give out the shows phone number +1*530*420*6909 and ask you guys to call me

- Mr. Jackson comes in the house

- Big Ham

This episode is dedicated to my listeners!  I am so honored you give me the time of day or night.

Put me on this fuckin' show.  We see more gang affiliation and disappointed judges this week as, once again, the talent leaves a lot of meat on the bone (if you know what I mean).  That said, if you're a fan of the candy accouterment, this might just be the app ep for you. 

Talking points:

Gang colors

Desert of the side

The judges lack of poker faces

*****AUDIO QUALITY ALERT - THIS EPISODE SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS RECORDED ON A COMPUTER SPEAKER...IT WASN'T.....just goes to show you that at least when it comes to microphone placement, inches matter*********

Sometimes, we are serious.  I thought this was one of those times until I listened back to the ep.  There are an unprecedented 3 songs broken into and we have an unprecedented 4 fuckin' garbage bags as contestants.  Luckily, guest judge Neil Patrick Harris does not fail to deliver with pro-level shade.  This episode is dedicated to my listeners.  You folks are my motivation and I will keep the content coming weekly in your honor.

Talking points:

Full cubes.

No talent.

Very well made suites.  

What else would you expect from a rare two day long morning hour, multi-track, multi-take recording but absolute bullshit from our contestants.  Get ready for your stomach to literally churn alongside mine.  Learn about The Wizard and get that mayonnaise the way you really wanted it.  It's Chapped!

What else would you expect from a 5 month break but a brooding tangent on dark animation magic for a pastry, a special guest in the final judgement, and an egregious error when selecting the programing straight from the get go.  Guess who's back?  Shady's back.

Everyone needs a friend in these "uncertain times."  Have you ever considered an edible, corn-meal based buddy?  Find out if your answer is yes in this seafood spectacular where the East Coast accent attempts are, dare we say, numerous.

Update: This is the end of the latency issue episodes.  We know this because they are recorded up to a month in advance.

In this episode, we see the most anti-climatic end of the $50K Tournament of Chopped Champions.  We have a life sized DMX, disgusting appetizer basket ingredients, and the most rapid hand motions we've ever seen.

What cruel fate befalls our host.  Just as a former employer comes forth as a subscriber, an unknown latency issue renders this episode borderline un-listenable.  For the brave - a deep dive into Geodude lore and a special musical treat in the final moments of this treasure trove of comedy prompts.  

What cruel fate brings a show I cooked up to quell my solitude, but a couples themed episode with the biggest spoiler yet: ICGZ is married to a woman.  Listen as respected judges desecrate high quality pork and I make a crucial naming error.  

Perhaps the greatest portmanteau ever created - or at least as good as I'll ever accidentally conjure into existence.  Cheesy puns flow like melted cheese this cheese themed episode, which is to say, not quickly.  Let's dig in.

Possibly the only time I should have allowed myself to up the volume just enough to understand how the heck these contestants' names are pronounced.  Guess we'll never know.  There's no way of knowing.  One thing we do know, it's a Cake Battle, so you know it's going to be slow going.

Boy, have I been on my own personal chopping block as of late.  That is to say, I finished this episode 2 months ago and haven't done much since.

I'm guessing this title alludes to a woman who will steal your woman as a competitor.  Let's find out together.

I spent so much time on finally adding intro and outro music I completely have deleted all memories of the episode.  I think this is part one of "The Brady Abomoninations"

Hubris is the name of the game for this episode, and pretty much every episode.  I still haven't figured out who we have to thank - is it the editing room or the producers?  Is there even a director?  Which good god gives us such insight into these poor saps' follies?  Whomever it is, a heartfelt gratitude for the schadenfreude of watching a dickhead fall.

Everyone's favorite Christmastime treat, and, if I remember correctly, a mnemonic device one of these poor saps attempts to employ to get us to understand that her name really is what it is.  Or is that totally off base?  You know I can never catch what their names are.

Chopped Season 40 - Episode 57

Chapped Season 1 - Episode 2

This is not a podcast.  This is hard hitting, live action commentary on the most vicious bloodsport still televised - competitive cooking.  It's a deep dive into some blasphemous content as we celebrate Ted Allen and that italian dessert favorite, Panda Cotta.

Chopped - Season 40, Episode 66.

Chapped - Episode 1