Terribly Honest with David Tensen

How does your spiritual worship and devotional practice evolve and change over time? I consider this question in light of the stages of life.

www.davidtensen.com

find this on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvdlgYzi4zE

Ep 35. Reflections on my 45th Birthday. How life owes me nothing and all is a gift.

I wanted to record some reflections on turning 45. Mainly for me, but perhaps you can relate...

Here's what AI wrote as a summary and arguments to the audio:

Summary

In this episode, David Tensen reflects on his 45th birthday and discusses how he has evolved and changed over the years. He shares his experience of working seven days a week to support his family and the financial challenges they face. David also talks about his personal growth and shift in perspective regarding his beliefs and expectations.

Overall, he emphasizes the importance of adapting to circumstances and fulfilling family and personal obligations. The speaker discusses their journey of letting go of expectations and guarantees in life. They emphasize that society doesn't owe them anything and that they are pursuing their PhD for personal growth rather than career advancement.

They also talk about their role as a parent and the importance of investing in their children without expecting anything in return. The speaker expresses the joy they have found in living without expectations and appreciating life as a gift. The transcript explores the idea of living in the present moment and embracing love as a gift.

It discusses the pressure to conform to societal goals and the importance of breaking away from them. The speaker also reflects on their evolving theology and the belief that God's essence is loving faithfulness and kindness. They emphasize the need to let go of the illusion that God and others owe them.

The transcript concludes with a reflection on personal growth and the hope for continued change in the future.

Arguments and Areas for Improvement

• Working seven days a week may lead to burnout and negatively impact mental and physical health
• Relying solely on work to support a family may limit opportunities for personal growth and development
• The emphasis on financial challenges overlooks the importance of emotional and relational well-being
• The focus on fulfilling obligations may lead to neglecting personal needs and aspirations
• The perspective on work-life balance may vary depending on individual circumstances and priorities
• One could argue that having expectations is necessary for motivation and goal-setting.
• Some may argue that society does owe individuals certain opportunities and guarantees.
• Critics might argue that letting go of expectations can lead to complacency and lack of ambition.
• There may be concerns about the potential negative impact of lowering expectations on personal relationships and achievements.
• Opponents might argue that a five-year plan can provide structure and direction in life.
• Some may argue that societal goals and expectations provide structure and motivation for individuals.
• Others may argue that the belief in God's essence as loving faithfulness and kindness contradicts the existence of suffering and tragedy in the world.
• There may be skepticism towards the idea of embracing personal growth and change, with some believing that individuals are inherently resistant to change.
• Critics may argue that the concept of being a receiver of love is passive and encourages dependency on others.
• Some may question the idea of embracing change and growth, arguing that stability and consistency are more desirable.

In this episode, I discuss the balance between being a parent and a friend to my children, emphasising the importance of maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship. Especially when they are young, it's been crucial for me to meet my children where they are, rather than expecting them to meet me where I am. As they grow older (into adulthood), I recognise the challenges of transitioning from a parent-child relationship to an adult-to-adult relationship.

Among other things, I stress the significance of maintaining my position and responsibility as a parent while also allowing my children to have a greater sense of agency. I also acknowledge the potential pain that can arise from adult-child estrangement and the difficulties of navigating relationships with in-laws and grandchildren as the decades pass. I delve into the concept of being friends with adult children and the inherent challenges it brings. I believe that such a friendship is possible, but it can come with baggage and differing dynamics.

I also touch on the (touchy) belief that as parents and grandparents, we have no inherent right to be part of our children's lives once they become adults. Maintaining a relationship with them is solely based on their invitation.

Stories, Examples, and Citations (courtesy of AI summarisation)

• David shares a simple model of child-adult-parent, which involves meeting the child at their level and maintaining a healthy parent-child dynamic even as children become adults.
• He also shares his own experience as a parent and a pastoral support person, emphasizing the importance of acceptance and meeting children where they are.
• David discusses the challenges of balancing parenting and adult relationships and emphasizes the importance of sacrificing his own adult ways to enter the child's world.
• He also reflects on the human tendency to bask in reflected glory and the potential pitfalls of using social media to build relationships with his children.
• David concludes by emphasizing the importance of building a healthy parent-child relationship as a foundation for friendship with his children.
• David shares the story of his daughter booking a solo trip to Japan and how he had to balance his role as a parent with his daughter's growing sense of agency and independence.
• He discusses the challenges of adult-child estrangement and shares his own experiences of taking breaks from his relationship with his parents to heal and reset the relationship.
• David talks about the challenges of navigating relationships with in-laws and grandchildren and acknowledges that there is no set recipe for success.
• He discusses the benefits of rites of passage in helping with the transition from deep intimacy and dependency to interdependency and separation.
• David acknowledges the pain that can come from adult-child estrangement, particularly for mothers whose adult sons and daughters push them away.
• He shares a story about a parent and adult child who seem to do a lot together, but maintaining that relationship requires immense maturity on both sides.
• David cites John Sanford, who believes that parents and grandparents have no right into their children's lives once they become adults and that maintaining a relationship is purely by invitation.
• He talks about his own experience of sharing this belief with his parents and the pain and confusion that can come with it.
• David acknowledges that maintaining a relationship with adult children may be painful and confusing.
• He talks about the privilege and honor of being a parent and the deep bond that comes with it.

Imagine God gave you the chance to start life again, except this time, you got to create the perfect parents... What would you write down. This exercise is something I've used with a number of people I have mentored and offered counsel to over the years. In this podcast, I share with you the power of doing these kind of exercises.

This is possibly the most sensitive of topics I have addressed on the podcast so far. This episode is an educational response to the comments, messages and unfollows received from episode 30 where I talked briefly about being LGBTQ+ affirming.

Many well-meaning, bible-believing followers didn't understand why I said people who identify with this community 'Are OK'. Some responded with typical bible quotes. Others spoke with their unfollows - and that's fine. I doubt most of those will take time to listen to reason and research anyway.

But there is always a silent mass who sit unsure of what they think because on one hand they know the agenda of their religious leaders (who are often bound to tradition and paycheques) is to maintain the cisgender and still rather misogynistic status quo of Christianity - but on the other hand they feel in their very being that no person should be excluded from the love, dignity and acceptance of God and those who claim to be the body of Christ on earth.

If anything, this podcast is food for thought for those who feel a little torn and 'know in their knower' that the world continues to evolve and to not make room and embrace others just feels really wrong and hypocritical. To quote Rachel Held Evans: “The apostles remembered what many modern Christians tend to forget—that what makes the gospel offensive isn’t who it keeps out but who it lets in.”-

NOTE: Before posting this public, I ran it passed a few friends to check my heart to help and inform was conveyed. They said it was, but by no means do I claim to be a biologist, church historian or expert on the Mishnah - however I have done my best to provide some simple references and resources to consider with love.

In this episode

1. I give a quick intro the differences between gender, sexuality and sex. They are NOT the same.
2. I explore the 6 different ways the Jewish community considered gender from their commentaries on the Torah (first five books of the Christian bible/canon)
3. I also talk about the misogynistic comments made by the men who have largely shaped the Christian faith as we know it today including Luther, Origen, Calvin, Tertullian and others.

Resources/references mentioned:

• The biology of gender: Beginners video https://youtu.be/kT0HJkr1jj4
• The 6 Genders According To The Talmud and Biological Science https://www.patheos.com/blogs/keithgiles/2023/02/the-6-genders-according-to-the-talmud-and-biological-science/
• Misogynistic Quotations from Church Fathers and Reformers https://margmowczko.com/misogynist-quotes-from-church-fathers/
• Blessing Prayer of Healing from the Feminine Nature of God sermon referenced. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhdhKX2RdRE&t=4s. (note: This was 7 years ago. I would change the language of this today - but I hope it may help some)

In Episode 30 I touched on Human Design. For now, I’ll call it an elaborate profiling system that makes things like the Enneagram, DISC or Myers Briggs look like kindergarten. It’s very technical but also incredibly helpful as a logical system that provides a practical tool for self-discovery and correct decision-making.

I know there aren’t too many people who would identify as Christian who are into Human Design but since mentioning in the last podcast some people reached out in secret saying they love it too but have been too afraid to share about it with Christian friends because of it’s roots - because they are questionable in many mainstream Christian circles. And also, there are some in the Human Design community who have had negative experiences with religion.. join the queue! lol

In the spirit of being Terribly Honest though, I wanted to share a little about my experience and knowledge of it personally, and inter-relationally with my family. It has made a massive difference to our parenting!! WOW.

You can get your free Human Design chart here: www.human.design. or here https://www.mybodygraph.com or just google Free Human Design Chart. There are also phone apps.

If you want to reach out and send me your map and details, I’m happy to connect and chat a little. I also know people I can point you towards for a proper analytical reading of your map.

Find this on Youtube with some image overlays of the chart etc https://youtu.be/TEvD69kw4Ao

Confession: I wasn’t sure whether I would publish this episode once I started recording it but at the end sensed it was right to put out there. I sent it to an honest and contemplative friend ahead of time who encouraged me to put it out there to stir some thought and response.

So here it is - Episode 30: The episode where I share about things, which if I were an employed minister/pastor, would surely result in many questionable emails, warnings, thank you’s and a possible firing… but since I’m not tied to a church payroll or looking for the approval from my peers or superiors, it’s heading to your eyes and ears!!

I rant/ramble about being more expansive and inclusive as a Christian. The one where I share about Human Design, Being LGBTQ+ Affirming, and how leaning into Open Process Relational Theology helps with it all.

Watch my fat head on Youtube here: https://youtu.be/WKwnYe6hgkU

Link to a great introduction about Open and Relational Theology https://open.spotify.com/episode/0M0g3AUf2cYjy3Qd5bTTuY?si=ccf441cb952f4d5c

In this interlude I read a poem from The Wrestle (2020) called The Descent and speak about the bright darkness hitting rock bottom can bring you.

In this episode I introduce you to an amazingly helpful way to see the struggle within us between mastery and mystery, or success and significance through a book written by Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik. The 'Rav' was a prominent Jewish philosopher and theologian who taught at Yeshiva University in New York City. Rabbi Soloveitchik was known for his insightful and nuanced approach to Jewish thought and his contributions to the development of modern Orthodoxy.

Lonely Man of Faith is a philosophical work by Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik that explores the two conflicting aspects of human nature and the struggle to reconcile them. The Rabbi's idea of there being two Adams refers to the biblical figures of Adam1, who is focused on achieving mastery over nature, and Adam 2, who is driven by a sense of community and interpersonal relationships.

Read his original Journal Article for free here: https://traditiononline.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/Lonely-Man-of-Faith-original.pdf

Created into this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Lonely-Man-Faith-Joseph-Soloveitchik/dp/0385514085

I read this short poem and share a reflection from the windy ocean shore.

From this book: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1594204772/?tag=braipick-20

In this episode I share on a couple of things that have helped me make sense of things on the journey. I borrow from Elizabeth Gilbert's little work on understanding the difference between Job, Career, Hobby, and Calling.

Find more here

https://wangyip.medium.com/hobbies-vs-jobs-vs-careers-vs-vocation-47384dd6684c

I also touch on the significance of our decades and seasons of life using some of the findings I put in this article a few years back.

https://davidtensen.com/an-open-letter-to-that-frustrated-guy-around-30/

"The spiritual implications of turning thirty require no new research (although more is welcome). They’ve have been noticed and recorded for millennia. One of the ancient authorities of the Torah called the Mishnah (written 2,500 years ago) gives advice around these significant times in a man’s life:
Avoth 5 22 says of our adult years: Twenties, to pursue [a livelihood]. Thirty, for strength, Forty, for understanding. Fifty, for counsel. Sixty, for sagacity. Seventy, for elderliness. Eighty, for power. Ninety, to stoop."

Recording and reflection on poems by the ocean. Why not!?

This may be the first of several interludes to the podcast. Would love to hear your thoughts / reflections / feedback.

In a kind of continuation from responses to episode 26 I explain the dangers and my concern around narrative fallacy, also known as results fallacy or hindsight bias - particularly in the pursuit of success. I highlight the importance of being realistic and not comparing oneself to others and discussed the issue of using the results fallacy in faith communities where critical thinking is needed.

Article on results fallacy: https://davidtensen.com/regretting-what-i-believed-the-trap-of-narrative-fallacy-and-shame/

In this episode, armed with stats and stories, I go to town of the self-made man fallacy. I also consider the role of luck and chance.

Find the Youtube version here: https://youtu.be/cLcergr7Z74

In this episode I talk honestly on the significance of cultivating and maintaining meaningful friendships, especially among men who may struggle to invest in relationships. Research suggests of the primary reasons many men lack friendships is an underlying sense of disposability that they inherit from their life experience, role models, social pressures, and societal norms.

I chat about the negative impact of conforming to societal expectations placed on men, known as the "man box," and the importance of avoiding its seven pillars. I touch on how men are often brought up with the expectation of being strong, self-sufficient, and suppressing their emotions, which can result in feelings of inadequacy and isolation.I also talked about how these societal expectations can negatively affect men's mental health and contribute to a lack of emotional support.

Towards the end I chat about the "man box" and for equipping boys with the tools to navigate it. As a dad I want to encourage my sons to form emotional connections and develop healthy friendships, so they can support each other through life's challenges.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Contact me and find more at www.davidtensen.com

Find this on Youtube: https://youtu.be/mk2EbrJJ2l0

Additional Resources Mentioned:

My article on the Man Box: https://davidtensen.com/as-my-boys-become-men-the-damaging-effects-of-the-man-box-and-why-i-am-parenting-the-hell-out-of-it/

The Boy Crisis book: https://www.amazon.com/Boy-Crisis-Boys-Struggling-About/dp/1942952716

I think religious leaders today face very unique challenges - particularly as traditional church attendance drops, yet people are still 'walking with God'. How can you lead a faith community which accommodates people of all stages of life and faith without ostracising or overlooking the young for the old and vice versa.

In this unscripted chat, Pastor Gary Grant and I talk about stages of faith, the journey of humanity, and the importance of creating a safe space for people with different experiences and beliefs.

We also talked about:

* the limitations of traditional church methods and the need for a more inclusive and diverse approach.

* different forms of worship and the importance of preventing problems in marriages and families.

* the importance of connecting with Jesus and personal transformation.

* concept of stewardship and the importance of taking care of oneself in all aspects of life.

This is part 2 of 2 on the topic of Foundational Sacrifice. In this episode I talk openly as a guy who sacrificed my well-being and my family's well-being in the name of church growth. I hit burnout and suffered from compassion fatigue, realising that I was taking on the sins of the people I was helping. For the first time, I publicly share about one of the key realisations I had which led to my recovery - being a sin-eater. "Historically, a sin eater was a person who would be called upon to perform a ritual that involved consuming food and drink that was believed to symbolise the sins of a recently deceased person. It was believed that by consuming the food and drink, the sin eater would take on the sins of the deceased person, and in doing so, would absolve them of their sins, allowing them to enter heaven." In sharing I hope to explain how some people with church-based wounding can end up there both voluntarily or involuntarily.

Youtube here:
https://youtu.be/bZOJS4SDU8U

In this interview with my dear friend Gary Grant from Friends First Church we chat about the importance of authentic relationship with God and one another.  We cover some of the sticky topics of miracles and theology including PSA and ECT. Gary shares on how they effect covenantal relationships in community.

Find this on podcasts: https://anchor.fm/david-tensen

Links:

Gary and Debbie Grant pastor at: https://friendsfirst.com.au/

Link mentioned at end: https://www.godwit.com.au/

What role can religious trauma syndrome (RTS) play in someone's faith deconstruction and spiritual journey.

In this episode I unpack some considerations on the tail end of the preceding 4 episodes on Stages of Faith.

Article Referenced: Reducing Church-based Trauma. Should we start with the Ministry Workers?

https://davidtensen.com/reducing-church-based-trauma-should-we-start-with-the-ministry-workers/

Excerpt: 

"Symptoms in those suffering with RTS range in severity. Areas of the person’s psychological response effected by RTS include cognitive, functional, affective, social/cultural and developmental (delay). It is suggested that RTS develops in toxic religious environments where two basic narratives are communicated: “You are not okay” and “You are not safe.”. If you’ve been around varied presentations of the Christian message, you may agree there are plenty of doctrines that reinforce these two messages, including; original sin, eternal damnation, retributive wrathful judgement , end-time views, demon possession and gender/hierarchal/racial submission to name a few. You may also be aware of the ecclesiastical authority styles birthed from and supported by these doctrines."

Video Youtube Version: https://youtu.be/vZI0X1OWVjw

This is part 4 of a look through the Stages of Faith. In this stage I chat about what happens at THE OUTER JOURNEY stage 5, and THE LIFE OF LOVE stage 6.   These are rather hard to talk about in that it is all rather unprescribed in its appearance.

Main text: The Critical Journey https://www.amazon.com.au/Critical-Journey-Stages-Life-Faith-ebook/dp/B00UZDO9C2

Find this on Youtube: https://youtu.be/3V2Za6AFqd4

My Poetry book: The Wrestle

https://www.amazon.com/Wrestle-Poems-Divine-Disappointment-Discovery/dp/0648989321/

This is part 3 of a look through the Stages of Faith. In this stage I chat about what happens at THE WALL in stage 4, The Inner Journey.  This stage has also known as the Dark Night of the Soul or the moment that surrender is the only way through. 

Main text: The Critical Journey https://www.amazon.com.au/Critical-Journey-Stages-Life-Faith-ebook/dp/B00UZDO9C2

Find this on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51-LIld355o

My Poetry book: The Wrestle

https://www.amazon.com/Wrestle-Poems-Divine-Disappointment-Discovery/dp/0648989321/

Poem mentioned: The Descent

This is part 2 of a look through the Stages of Faith. In this stage I chat about what happens and how we get to stage 4, The Inner Journey.  This stage has also been coined as the deconstruction phase. If you have never heard about deconstruction put forward as a normal stage in your spiritual growth, this (and others in this series) are a must listen.

Main text: The Critical Journey https://www.amazon.com.au/Critical-Journey-Stages-Life-Faith-ebook/dp/B00UZDO9C2

Resources Mentioned: 

Brad Jersak's Book. Out of the Embers 

https://www.amazon.com.au/Out-Embers-Faith-After-Deconstruction/dp/1641238887

Brian McLaren:

https://www.amazon.com/Faith-After-Doubt-Beliefs-Stopped/dp/1250828376/

Keith Giles Books: https://www.amazon.com.au/s?i=digital-text&rh=p_27%3AGiles%2C+Keith%2C&s=relevancerank&text=Giles%2C+Keith%2C&ref=dp_byline_sr_ebooks_1

Justin and Abi Stumvoll Connected LIfe Podcast Interview: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/112-6-key-phases-of-faith/id1447545040?i=1000510141274

My Poetry book: The Wrestle

https://www.amazon.com/Wrestle-Poems-Divine-Disappointment-Discovery/dp/0648989321/

One of the most helpful frameworks to grasp on your faith journey is to understand that it naturally happens in stages. Healthy faith matures beyond birth and should really blossom beyond it's troubling teen equivalent.

In this chat I present and explain the 6 stages described in The Critical Journey book.  This is a teaching I have found INCREDIBLY helpful, particularly as I went through a years of deconstruction and doubt.

In this chat I give an overview of the six stages present the first three stages in more details.

Watch it on video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAJDHit6H2A

RESOURCES
Book: https://www.amazon.com.au/Critical-Journey-Stages-Faith-Second/dp/1879215497

What is your capacity for joy and why does it matter in healing and recovery?

In this chat I explore some of the amazing work of Dr Jim Wilder and others from the Lifemodel.  We consider safe and secure bonding as a primary factor in thriving in life.

I talk about the BEEPS model of addiction and how we create pseudo joy in our life.

I end the chat with walking you through and IMMANUEL moment.  A beautiful practice for cultivating more joy and emotional regulation.

Watch this on youtube: https://youtu.be/UadhsBVNhqA

Resource mentioned:

LifeModel website: http://lifemodel.org/

Living from the heart Jesus gave you BOOK: https://www.amazon.com.au/Living-Heart-Jesus-Gave-You/dp/193562914X

Immanuel Approach: https://www.immanuelapproach.com/

Immanuel Focused training *Recommended* : https://immanuelfocusedtraining.com/events/

my site: www.davidtensen.com

Research suggests there is a really big connection between your family of origin experience and the kind of worship / church service style you prefer. In this walk-and-talk I share specifically how the the DON'T FEEL and DON'T THINK rules of a dysfunctional home play out in charismatic and conservative evangelical church experiences. I also discuss my experiences with people who return from Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry internships.

Find this on video at: https://www.youtube.com/@DavidTensen/videos

NOTES:

Book mentioned: https://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Your-Family-Tree-Healing/dp/0802476740

Chart from book: https://www.dropbox.com/s/95lz8nlawpzk8su/from%20Secrets%20of%20Your%20Family%20tree.JPG?dl=0
*note, I couldn't remember the TRUST part of the chart but you can fill in the blanks, I'm sure.

I have had plenty of people shake their head at me saying "I don't know why you engage with some of the commentary you get on socials. I couldn't do it."  

Well, it's not by accident or because I'm looking for a fight.  But I am doing my best to enter constructive civil dialogue.

Find this filmed on Youtube too at https://www.youtube.com/@DavidTensen

Book mentioned by Os Guinness: https://www.amazon.com/Case-Civility-Why-Future-Depends/dp/0061353434

Part 2 of a chat on the topic.

Watch it on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@DavidTensen

Book referenced: https://www.amazon.com/Hunting-Magic-Eels-Recovering-Enchanted/dp/1506464653

A brief chat on how reading people like Richard Rohr and Brennan Manning opened my eyes to the gifts of brokenness. A stark contrast to what I had experience in the predominant messages of my early pentecostal-based teens and 20s.

Find this on the Youtube  here: https://www.youtube.com/@DavidTensen .....

Trauma Informed Church Podcast mentioned: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4rGRBJ32rtBcx7JcgLBsYF?si=57882e6a97464b12 .....

Find David on FB and Insta and his blog www.davidtensen.com

This is part 2 of a 2 part chat walk where I give a summary of a research and experience driven workshop I used to teach on the complexity of being a church worker. In this episode we cover the complexity around CLAN / KIN and COMPANY.  audio here: https://anchor.fm/david-tensen

This is part 1 of a 2 part chat walk where I give a summary of a research and experience driven workshop I used to teach on the complexity of being a church worker. In this episode we cover the complexity around CALLING and COMMUNITY.

In this chat I discuss something that has helped me walk through church-based wounding.

I have three children. Two teens and a tween.  What has changed in my parenting and what do I want for my kids?  I talk about salvation, sex and youth group under a different paradigm.

An open response to those who demand I change my LGBTQ+ affirming stance too  An open chat about recent FB confessions, comments and conversations.  I cover topics like popular/ common evangelical and pentecostal theology pertaining to salvation and hell. I also speak openly about social media boundaries, recent LGBTQ+ questions and other things.  This was going to be a few tiny videos for instagram stories but I just kept talking 🤣  Thanks to all those who watched this already and reached out with the 'me too's and 'thank yous'