Best Life Best Death

Eric Rooney and I talk about what it might mean to have a “greener” mindset about death, and how “natural burial” is not new at all, in the Big Scheme of human existence. We talk about 5 ways we can care for bodies in Colorado: burial (buried traditionally in a casket, embalmed or not); flame cremation (the body is burned at high temperature, returning “ashes” to the family); water cremation (dissolving in alkaline hydrolysis, returning fluid to the earth in chosen locations); Natural Organic Reduction/Composting (the body decomposes in a specially designed vessel, ending up as nutrient dense soil); and natural burial (shroud or biodegradable casket, buried without embalming or cement encasement of the casket). What's your plan for after death care?

More about Eric and Regeneration Earth here - https://www.regenerationearth.org/

This week, in honor of Thanksgiving here in the US, I share a brief conversation with Hospice Chaplain Hank Dunn. He reads two moving pieces from his book, Light in the Shadows: Meditations While Living with a Serious Illness, and we talk about “letting go” versus “letting be.”

What’s the latest way to organize your stuff and plan for where it goes when you are gone? Enjoy my conversation with Heather Nickerson, Founder of Artifcts, who explains: “Artifcts is a new web- and app-based technology to help you capture, preserve and share the history, the stories, the meaning and the value behind all your stuff. And also, plan for what you want to do next with it? Sell, donate, keep in the family, bequeath, record that it’s already gone?”

Why do the stories behind our things matter? Why does having an easy way to *share* these stories matter? What’s the advantage of digitizing all of this? Can we do a better job of “connecting the dots” between generations? Heather and I will be breaking the myth that “no one wants this stuff.” (Hint: they don’t if it’s not easy and if they don’t know the story!)

Learn more here - https://artifcts.com/

Dementia is disruptive, incredibly so. You can’t get help for what you don’t understand, so this path requires gathering information, pushing for an accurate diagnosis, educating yourself and those around you, and finding new approaches for everyone involved. Kay Adams shares valuable information from her extensive experience as a dementia coach: Why does getting an accurate diagnosis matter? Why is neurological screening by itself not enough? What is helpful for caregivers/carepartners to realize about their experience? Why is dementia on the rise, and what can we do? As Kay says in her book, Bedside Witness: Stories of Hope, Healing and Humanity: “This heartbreaking illness and the collateral damage it can leave in its wake is one of the most complicated journeys any human being may ever have to take.”

The Enneagram is a psychological and spiritual map… and a fascinating predictor of what motivates you, drives your responses to others and shows you where your edges are as you learn to be your best self. Who doesn’t want to have insight into themselves and others? Who can tolerate a ‘peek behind the curtain’ of their own blind spots? As I say in our conversation, “I think this is an interesting topic because what we know about ourselves and about how we interact makes such a difference for what we bring to the world and what we bring to our lives… and how we live is how we die.” There are many books, websites and ways to take an Enneagram quiz and find out your ‘type.’ Let me know what you learn!

When Susan Elliott’s mother was at home on hospice, she was cared for by her husband and adult children. These primary caregivers received a great deal of support from hospice, and yet – as Susan says, “There were gaps." Susan’s experience is not unique. In fact, many of us will find ourselves in this exact situation one day. How can we learn more now, in order to set ourselves up for when it happens? What are the gaps, and how might they be filled?

Ashley Bright asks an incredibly important question: Who can families turn to, in order to get guidance in navigating the complexities of healthcare these days? Geriatric care manager, healthcare/ medical/ patient advocate, health navigator, or social worker – whatever the name, there are professionals who can help with better understanding your journey in the maze of the healthcare system. How do we find someone? What can they do to help? What kinds of questions should we ask along the way?

Francesca Arnoldy takes us into the Big Picture overview of why conversations about mortality matter. She notes, “We need to remember what it is to be mortal… and what it is to die… and what it is to grieve. We need to learn from one another and hear each other’s stories.” How does an open-minded parent, grandparent or teacher make a difference for a child’s experience of death? What is a legacy? How does reflection help us to integrate as we learn? And why does looking back and looking forward impact how we live? Francesca’s most recent book title sums it up: “The Death Doula's Guide to Living Fully and Dying Prepared: An Essential Workbook to Help You Reflect Back, Plan Ahead, and Find Peace on Your Journey.”

Dr. Diana Barnard is one of those doctors you hope to have sitting in a room with you when decisions have to be made. Thoughtful, patient- and family-focused, able and willing to take the time it takes to think things through. She practices in Vermont, one of the first states to amend their laws so that non-residents can choose Medical Aid in Dying in that state. As she notes, “People want to be heard and understood. They want to know what their options are, and then they want to have a little say in what option makes sense for them… In almost any situation, it’s not black and white.” I think you’ll find value in her experience and insights about: Families and the End of Life, Autonomy and Choice, The Reality of Care Needs, The Longing for Options, Medical Aid in Dying, and more.

This world-wide project, called Loose Ends, started in 2022 and “aims to ease grief, create community, and inspire generosity by matching volunteer handwork finishers with projects people have left unfinished due to death or disability.” What do they and their mass of volunteer finishers take on? Knit, crochet, sewing, quilting, tatting, rug-making, embroidery, cross-stitch, weaving… to name just a few! Join us for this creative chat and find out about some of the projects have they finished (think: historical to quirky), plus why do such legacy projects matter?

It is not often that a film captures some of the most tender moments of a family’s experience and shares the love and lessons from a beloved man at the end of his life. Ondi Timoner didn’t set out to make this film; what she intended was to capture the last days of her father’s life. But when she reviewed the hours of film from those last 15 days, and created a 30-minute compilation to share as a remembrance, people who saw it were so touched by the experience that Ondi realized a longer film was about to be born. Ondi and I discuss: What is the End of Life Option Act in CA? Why did Eli Timoner choose “death with dignity”? What was the trajectory of his life and how did he revise his understanding of “success”? How did this experience transform those around him? What can we all take away from Eli’s living and his dying?

Starting with material from her digital workbook called "How to Live with Suicidal Ideations," Cait and I discuss how to move from fear and a focus on “100% prevention” to a more reflective, supportive perspective. Let’s move away from stigma and move towards understanding. Let’s move from silence to conversation! What does “suicidal ideating” mean? What’s the difference between passive and active ideating? What can we do or say if we know or sense that someone is considering suicide? What can someone do to support themselves? How is conversation itself suicide prevention?

https://www.facebook.com/caitthedeathdoula/

Founder of of the Doulagivers Institute, one of the largest doula training institutes in the US, Suzanne O’Brien RN shares her expertise and opinions about how we approach death and dying. With 98% of the hands-on care at the end of life done by family caregivers, she asks, “What can we do to support them? What do they need? What can we provide to fill in the gaps?"

This week enjoy the perspectives of two hospice chaplains, Ellie Douglass and Kathy Gambino. What does their job entail? What role do they play on a hospice team? What insights can they offer about when and how to use hospice? And most importantly – how do families benefit from what they bring to the experience of the end of life. As Ellie says, "The word 'chaplain' can be a little bit loaded, depending on your life experience. Our role is to walk alongside."

This week I talk with my friend and colleague Aimee Yawnick. She and I are both end-of-life coaches who teach classes and workshops + work with individuals. In this episode, we discuss: how talking about death changes your life; why conversations about mortality matter; how a class can help people grapple with big questions; what it takes to have accountability; what sorts of materials we bring to the table; and what people take away weeks and months later. Why have this conversation?!

As we age, one of the biggest things we need is social connections! Listen in as social media tutor and trainer Joyce Feustel and I talk about how social media creates connections – with family, friends, past-times, careers, hobbies, and “kindred spirit groups." How can social media platforms help? How do Facebook, Instagram and Linked In differ? What about http://meetup.com? How do we get started, if we don’t know how to begin?

Emerson Lee shares a view of dementia that broadens how we perceive the loss of cognitive abilities – and thus might shift how we deal with such changes. What if we put less emphasis on mental abilities and found ways to connect, relate and create? What if caregivers understood how to find the “micro delights” for each individual, thus supporting connection and regulation? What if your fears of dementia could be eased through greater understanding of possibilities and planning ahead? What if caregivers gained new tools and resources to support themselves and their loved ones?

Hospice Nurse Penny is everywhere on social media with her fast-paced, humorous, informative commentary, through which she offers education about death and dying. As a hospice nurse, Penny sees firsthand the misconceptions about hospice and how – when understood for its what it is and what it is not – “Hospice provides education and support and a team.” On BLBD podcast episode #100, we discuss how you “get on” hospice, in what ways families are supported when they choose hospice, the “right” time to visit, the “end of life rally” that is sometimes seen, and "quality of life over quantity of life." Bottom line: What do people need to know to take advantage of what hospice has to offer?

Find Penny on IG and FB:

Jennifer and I talk about this rare treat of the book she created! Intimate, never preachy; concrete but not a self-help book; art-sy but so much more; personal yet applicable to so many. I love this book, in which Jennifer explores the death of her husband and her own survivorship, through the facts and the feelings of the experience.

In this Bonus Episode #1, I tell you more about why I interviewed these people, and they each share more about themselves and their work. Hear more from Theresa Brown #62, Barbara Karnes #64, 65, 27 and 28, and Avani Dilger #69.

Lisa Pahl and Lori LoCicero met when Lori’s husband was dying, in his 40s. Together, they realized they could create a tool to help families and friends start conversations before it was too late. As Lori notes, “Why are we waiting until that [last] moment to talk about it… that’s when we don’t want to talk about it, that’s when it’s hardest to talk.” We need simple tools to get conversations going earlier in our lives and in ways that don’t feel overly heavy or overwhelming. That’s where the Death Deck and the EOL Deck come in. These two decks, designed with both multiple choice and open-ended questions, can help when we aren’t sure where to even begin.

Carrie is a doula and a sister to a man with disabilities. She wants people to consider how communication, comprehension and pain management are different concerns for the population she specializes in. How can medical teams understand more about their needs? Who speaks for them, if they cannot speak for themselves? What are their issues at the end of life, and how do they differ from the general population?

Talking with Cheryl made me more keenly aware of the ripple effect that donations have in the world. Organ, eye and tissue donations are life-saving. We talk about how she got involved with the Donor Alliance, finding donor networks in your region, how science and medicine are constantly working to improve outcomes, and what is helpful for donors and recipients to know.

Let's delve into financial matters with expert Shane Phillips! As Shane says, “The genesis of my work is seeing that most people are not prepared.” We discuss how he got into this work and the broad categories of paperwork that we all manage, no matter how simple or complex our financial situation, including personal documents, asset documents, legal and tax papers, and liabilities. What are the things we need to get together when someone dies? How might we get this organized ahead of time? If we are in charge of managing the paperwork after someone dies, where do we begin? What do our loved ones need to know and have access to? How can we find help if we need it?

Yvonne Caputo felt compelled to write about her experiences with her father and family. She wrote "Flying with Dad: A Daughter. A Father. And the Hidden Gifts in His Stories from World War II" plus her second book, "Dying With Dad: Tough Talks for Easier Endings." In her work in retirement homes and as a psychotherapist, Yvonne knew that it mattered to have conversations about the end of life, and because she and her dad were able to have those, including working through "The Five Wishes," they gained trust, clarity and connection.

Every state has a process to donate your whole body to science when you die. This week I talk to Kate Serr, organizer of this program for the state of Colorado and parts of Wyoming. Why do people decide to donate their body to science? What does that mean? How do you apply for this and what kind of deaths are accepted? An important take-away from this conversation: whatever your choice for what to do with your body after you die, talk abut it with your family in advance!

This episode I talk with two doulas, Gabby Jimenez and Claudia Peñate. Both of them: work with individuals and families; offer guidance, support and education; are available before, during and after the experience; and bring expertise to common yet not-widely-known human events! They are similar but different, as one woman works with birth and the other works with death! How are these "bookends of our lives" similar and different? What kinds of support do these guides offer?

This week’s BLBD conversation covers embalming and reconstruction with Funeral Director and specialist Monica Torres. What is it? Who wants it? Why is it important for families? What makes it an art and a science? With cremation on the rise, is embalming still a thing? And how does Monica approach this very personal work? This conversation may even give you a new understanding and appreciation for the role that seeing a loved one's body plays in processing grief.

Dr Stefanie Green is a Canadian physician with a whole lot of experience and information to share about MAID. What is Medical Assistance in Dying in Canada? What feelings does Dr Green hear most commonly from patients? What is the hardest part of the work she has been doing since 2016? What is patient-centered care and why does it matter? What are the three things this physician would like you to take away from this conversation? This talk with Dr Green is longer than the usual BLBD episode -- I was going to create two parts, but decided it was just too interesting as one long piece. Stretch it out if you need to, but I bet you won’t be able to hit pause!

Hospice Nurse Julie delves into the details of dying, so that we can all learn more ahead of time and be better prepared when someone we love is at the end of their life. “I know, as a hospice nurse who’s used to seeing a body dying, that this is very normal: their face is going to look different; their eyes are often open, not blinking; they are not making eye contact; mouths are usually open, as all our muscles are relaxing; breathing changes; they are usually not eating or drinking; and they are probably unconscious for the most part." All of this is normal – we just don’t know it, so we can find it unsettling at best and terrifying at worst. Julie and I have a mutual goal: to normalize talking about death.

So many people are struggling with grief, burnout, caregiving, and more. The idea behind Help Texts is to get expert support directly into people's hands - literally, in their hands, by appearing on their phone via text a few times a week. How does Help Texts work? What does it cost? Why would I want this for myself or a friend or family member? And - does it really help?? As founder Emma Payne says, “It’s incredible that just a few messages a week that speak to you, are, for many people, enough.” I kinda love the idea of Barbara Karnes and other true wisdom-carriers appearing in my text stream!

"Jack Has a Plan" is a 73-minute personal documentary which follows the story of a man diagnosed with a brain tumor. Director Bradley Berman says, “This is first and foremost a story. It is not an advocacy film for any particular outcome. It is just a story of Jack Tuller and what happened to him.” Yet this story is filled with so much to consider! Bradley and I discuss: How did this film come about? What was unique about Jack and his friends and family that made this film work? What does Jack’s experience have to share about living and dying? In this story of one man’s life, what are the enduring themes? What do audiences take away from seeing this movie? If you have a chance to see this film -- grab it! I can't stop thinking about it and will be sharing it online on 4/23/23.

Jade and I were on such a roll when we recorded our podcast that, well, we just kept going! Part 1 is about death literacy, books we love, literature, how to find books that get you into these themes, and why reading about the end of life matters. (Hint: It influences our thinking in subtle but profound ways.) In Part 2, we talk about the role of doulas, the experience of hospice, what caregivers need, who typically calls in a death doula for a family, and some ethical ruminations -- because Jade is, at heart, a philosopher and doula!

Jade Adgate and I both love to read and we love to read books that expose us to new angles of death, dying, loss and grief. Sounds miserable, eh? But it’s honestly not. Through reading, we clarify our own thinking and values around these hugely human issues. Whatever you are reading, you can watch for these themes, and you can make it a point to read on hard topics long before you or a loved one needs the information. In this episode, we talk about 20 books that will increase your death literacy!

✨Being Mortal, Atul Gawande

✨When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi

✨Giovanni’s Room, James Baldwin

✨In Love, Amy Bloom (BLBD Podcast #43)

✨When My Time Comes, Diane Rehm

✨Last Day, Dava Shastri

✨Crying in H Mart, Michelle Zauner 

✨A Matter of Death and Life, Irvin Yalom and Marilyn Yalom

✨The Book of Two Ways, Jodi Picoult

✨The Spanish Love Deception, Elena Armas

✨On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous and Time is a Mother, Ocean Vuong

✨A Thousand Mornings, Mary Oliver

✨Late Migrations: A Natural History of Loss, Margaret Renkl

✨The Cancer Journals, Audre Lorde

✨Clear Cut: One Woman’s Journey of Life in the Body, Ginny Jordan

✨Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe, Laura Lynn Jackson

✨For Small Creatures Such as We: Rituals for Finding Meaning in Our Unlikely World, Sasha Sagan

✨Death is But A Dream, Dr Christopher Kerr (BLBD Podcast #30 and #31)

✨With the End in Mind + Listen: The Art of Tender Conversations, Dr Kathryn Mannix

As a specialist in selling the many and varied items in an estate after someone has died, Louis Clough has some thoughts to share about stuff. How does the 80/20 rule apply to the material value of things in an estate? When should you sell vs keep something? How can sellers make sense of the options they have? Why is it important to think about our stuff now? Listen in, as Louis and I are about to cover a lot of stuff! 

In her work as an end of-life practitioner, Rhea Mader finds herself in the deep end of the pool when it comes to conversations! Sometimes she simply brings the words dying and death into the room and that can make a difference. Sometimes she holds space for really big topics, such as "what meaning came from my life?" End of life doulas can add vocabulary, an objective presence, and the heart-to-heart piece that families and individuals might be seeking.

Dr Ira Byock - leader in palliative care, advocate for patients, and author - joins me this week. We discuss: What might it mean to “die well”? Why is the nature of serious illness more personal than medical? What  are the “four things that matter most”? What does “forgiveness” mean? How do the phrases he writes about in The Four Things that Matter Most apply to any of us, at any time in our lives? This week’s BLBD conversation really grabbed me, because it is about dying, sure, but it is far more about living… and living with humility and kindness.

After Loss Professionals such as Rachel Donnelly play a unique role for all there is to be done after someone has died. Different from an attorney, more nuanced than an organizer, and with the know-how to do far more than just drop things off at a thrift store, Rachel can act as the ”air traffic controller” to manage the entire project of settling an estate. Whether it involves going through probate, deciding what to do with collections of unknown worth (Grandpa’s gold coins? Mom’s silver?), or filling out cumbersome out-of-state forms (transferring a car title in Minnesota?) – Black Dress Consultants can help!

The range of unique urns is as wide as the artists who are making them! This week I talk with woodworker C.C. Boyce, who developed a two-part wooden urn suitable for the cremated remains of people or pets. They come in various woods and sizes, and there is space in the bottom for cremains and space on top for a  plant. Hear how she got into this work and why one of her pieces might fit beautifully into your life.

In Part 2 of our conversation, Sam and I talk further about compassionate options at the end of life. How have various state Medical Aid In Dying laws been passed? What part do data, numbers and personal stories play in helping us to better understand the issues? Why talk to your doctor about your values and options *now*? What compassionate end-of-life choices are there for those with dementia, and how could those be put in your Advance Directive today?How do the options of ending treatment, palliative sedation, or VSED (Voluntary Stopping of Eating and Drinking) come into play? What does Compassion and Choices have to offer lay people, legislators, doctors, nurses, social workers, and more??

This week and next, Sam and I dive and digress into several aspects of the end of life. How do we die? How did the organization Compassion & Choices come to be? What is Medical Aid in Dying? What do I need to know about Advance Directives? How do the choices that I write down now impact my future? The organization Compassion and Choices has deep roots and a wide spread of branches, offering us information on a variety of topics for our end of life journey.

This week I talk with Kayla Nakano, one of the founders of a podcast about pet loss. Kayla and I talk about these loving relationships and the complex grief that can accompany their death – which is almost always so much sooner than we would like. What helps people through the loss of a beloved animal companion? What is “normal” for this type of loss? And how can we support friends and family through this experience?

This week Kim Mooney (thanatolgist and founder of Practically Dying) and I continue our conversation about “exit ramps.” Listen to learn about: palliative sedation, voluntary stopping of eating and drinking (VSED) and Medical Aid in Dying (MAID). What do each of these terms mean? What are the laws in various states? How do these processes work? What might these choices mean - legally, medically and personally? Kim and I discuss anecdotes from personal experience as well as broader questions of culture and ethics. 

This week I talk with Kim Mooney, long-time end-of-life educator and expert in the field. If you want to hear a couple of high-energy, fast-talking women discuss how we die… you’ve come to the right place! In Part 1 this week, Kim and I get into: keeping bodies alive vs people thriving; palliative care and hospice; exit ramps at the end of life - what are the various trajectories of how we die? And how can thinking about the end of life help us and our loved ones now and as we get closer to that exit ramp? 

Rob and I discuss drugs like psilocybin, MDMA and ketamine. How are they impacting the therapeutic world and the end-of-life world? What can come from ketamine-assisted therapy? What might a few sessions of this look like? What are the origins of these plant medicines and how are doctors, therapists and the pharmaceutical industry working with them lately? Rob says that he sees people experience "really purposeful changes" from "having a few meaningful experiences.” Tune in to learn more!

Avani Dilger's career and calling in working with addiction, trauma, connection, and the existential questions that we all seek to explore began early in her life with the deaths of two friends. I would say that nearly everyone I know has been touched by addiction, so the questions we ask in the episode are vital to all of us: What is it that people seek through addiction? Why is this such an epidemic? We often label addiction as being about substances - drugs, alcohol - but what else are we addicted to? And, most importantly, what are other ways that people can tap into the longing for what they seek?

One of many online “story capturing” programs, I gave my dad a gift of Storyworth last Christmas. How did it work, what did he have to do, how did it all come together, and was it worth the time, cost and effort? I'll tell you about our experience plus a few thoughts about why I think sharing our stories matters. As author Charles deLint says, "We're all made of stories. When they finally put us underground, the stories are what will go on. Not forever, perhaps, but for a time. It's a kind of immortality, I suppose, bounded by limits, it's true, but then so's everything."

Today’s conversation is with the two of the Founders of Titan Casket, Scott Ginsberg and Joshua Siegel. As they say on the Titan website: “Titan Casket was founded with a singular mission: to offer designer caskets at revolutionary prices, while driving affordability and transparency in the funeral industry.” What are they doing? How it is different? How is this business model changing the funeral industry? And how are consumers reacting?