Friend Crush with Amber Akilla

wow i can’t believe we’re up to the 70th episode of friend crush!!! thank you so much for tuning in, sending your feedback, sending questions and topic suggestions and sharing with your friends! i’m actually so shook and can’t that you enough! we’re going to go on a lil breaky break over the northern hemisphere summer so i can focus on other projects and prepare for the next season. wishing everyone a slay time in the meantime!!!

this week’s episode i also answer a listener question about transitioning career at age 24, tune in to hear my thoughts n feelings.

lots of love!!!!

♡ amber

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

there's a difference between a broken heart and a bruised ego when it comes to breakups - friendship, work, romantic or otherwise. how we process and move on from different ailments requires different treatments!

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

they broke your trust? you DO NOT break no contact. STAND UP!

SUBSCRIBE N COMMENT ON YOUTUBE PLS xoxo

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

what are my thoughts on long distance relationships? is it worth the mental, emotional and financial investment? i discuss using my personal experience with long distance relationships and also reflect on where i'm at now when it comes to what i would want from a romantic commitment.

let me know what you thought of this episode and don't forget you can also watch, like, comment and subscribe to friend crush on youtube!

this week's episode i attempted to answer multiple questions but only managed to answer two lol

first we discuss how to start developing discipline and creating habits, how i personally managed to start being more consistent with grounding practices.

secondly we talk about whether there is a binary choice between living with family and saving money or moving out and working full time. i also want to add to this section that working full time while living at home and being able to save money is a privilege in this economy and it's not something to be ashamed of. the world we were promised growing up is not the reality we are living in anymore.

as always, let me know what you think of the episode!! also sub and comment on the youtube episode please hehe

too often we're made to feel like love and career are incompatible but i think that's an illusion. love can come from so many sources not just romance and different chapters and relationships in your life will facilitate different kinds of love and fulfilment. there's more to life than settling down, there's more to live for than romantic love and your journey will be unique to you! stay hot and having fun!!!

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

exploring an actually quite complex topic in today’s episode which i will continue to turn over in my mind. what do you do when your political values with a friend start to diverge into almost incompatible territories? on the one hand i think that its important to detach from the direction relationships can take and do your best to have empathy for others, while i also recognize that certain political views can be especially harmful to society when they go unchecked, then on top of that - to what degree are we responsible and can we control what ideas people attach to? i don’t really have an answer but i do my best to scratch at least the surface of this dynamic, prompted by messages from a listener.

let me know what you thought of this episode! i think there will be a lot more to discuss and expand on in future episodes~

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

look, i go on a few tangents in this one but we're discussing betrayal trauma, sinophobia and then answering a question from a listener about how to manage expectations when working on personal creative projects versus client/ commercial projects. let me know what you thought of this episode!!! 

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

you know what... its ok to not have the answer sometimes!!! quick thoughts on being patient with yourself, managing anxiety and letting time to pass so that things can fall into place. believe that what you want is already yours! if you're taking action and doing your best, trust that there are forces beyond your comprehension that will bring you in contact with people and opportunities that can make it happen. easier said than done of course, but worth a reminder every now and then. 

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

sharing my thoughts and reflections on messages i've received about how to navigate the post-break up period and virtual/digital relationships that don't eventuate with in-person meetings. with some expected tangents and rambles hehe

ask me a question~ receive a written pep talk from me!

hello angels!! i'm sharing my thoughts around video titles and subjects where people think they've wasted their life. although i understand the sentiment of these videos i think that sometimes they can be disempowering and there are other ways we can frame and understand our experience of life! sliving requires slearning - some lessons take us longer to learn than others and although there is a time and place to be competitive, its not a competition with others, its a journey and a story that we are writing for ourselves and hopefully with the people we love and care about!!!

video version on youtube!

let's talk about how i've changed my understanding of people pleasing and what it means as well as how you building awareness around how you are treated vs how you want to be treated is important in taking action to living a slay life!!!  

also i'm going to continue to try and update audio podcast bc i don't want to gatekeep and i don't want ppl to drive and get distracted with video!!! takes forever to upload video podcasts so i'll just upload audio versions and then you have option of videos on youtube too hehe

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let's talk about HEART BREAKKKK and the period between a break up and actually moving on - does your ex come back? does it matter if they do? sharing my own thoughts and feelings along with some comments i received on tiktok videos i've made on this topic.  

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welcome backkkkk - a lil q&a for y'all ! maybe i do this once a month?? let me know what you think !  

ranting about gaps in communication hehehe sometimes i think we overlook how important it is to become aware of the ways we share our reality and how we connect with others and build relationships.  i discuss a framework/formula that i think helps to structure communication for any relationship context - friendship, romance, work - and then go on a bunch of tangents as usual.  maybe social media has us living in our heads and creates the illusion that people are privy to what's going on in our noggin... when they don't  lmk what u think !

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welcome to the second boy confessions episode!!! this episode provides a perspective that is so different to the previous episode, i hope you enjoy! "Ash" is in his early mid-30s living in LA - we cover his thoughts on the notorious pick up artist bible "The Game", authenticity in dating, dating apps, how his first love has affected his expectations in dating, how he has become aware of his people pleasing tendencies, understanding communication issues in relationships, deciding what kind of commitment - if at all he is looking for. SO MANY THINGS!! let me know what you think of this episode ♡

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i loved this conversation i had with actress, writer and content creator Nadine Milad - grab a snack and get comfy because we cover soo much in this episode from ghosting, authenticity online, friend break-ups, being recovering people pleasers and so much more.

let me know what you thought of this episode and if Nadine and I should do more episodes together!

part two of the quarter life crisis discussion ~ i read some submissions from listeners on the topic and provide my perspective and thoughts. i actually think in the months since recording these episodes i care even less about age and more about being hot and having fun!!! it's natural to feel external pressures on the timeline of your life, but your life is for you to define! would love to hear your thoughts on this topic please feel free to write to meeee! xx

part one in a series of episodes where i discuss the quarter life crisis and pre-30 panic. i’ve thought about this a lot as i get to the tail end of my 20s so i’m sharing my thoughts here with you!

books mentioned:

keep your expectations low, your standards high.... & don't feel like you need to reward the bare minimum!!!

slightly modifying a saying that i've carried with me through the years. how could i have held myself back like this!!?? anyways, we slive and slearn and level tf up.

books mentioned

so excited to share the first boy confessions episode!!! anonymously interviewing men so they can share honest reflections, opinions and experiences on masculinity, life, love, friendship, work and more.

“Timothee” - 33 is Asian-American, born and raised in Los Angeles and currently living in Shanghai working as a creative director for an international brand.  in this episode we discuss the influence of women on his life, being single for five years before his current relationship as well as his advice for men and women on what to do when a guy withdraws from a relationship or connection. i ask him questions he's never been asked about infidelity and cheating and we explore how his views around traditional long term commitment have changed over time.

thank you to my guest for coming on the show, we had so much fun recording this episode and hope you enjoy it too!

apologies in advance for the noise in the recording :')

what's the difference between a friend with benefits and a booty call? is it worth risking a friendship? do they even make sense??? lets discuss lol

discussing the ways my understanding of friendship has changed as i've gotten older. what's the difference between an inner and outer circle? how to allow space in relationships rather than taking incompatibilities personally and how to deal with friend breakups.

every now and then i post something random/unhinged and someone asks me 'how do you get over being cringe?' HAHAH anyways here are some of my thoughts and reflections on how i process my insecurities and try to develop a stronger sense of self. how awareness of our insecurities can be seen as a blessing, grounding practices, exposure therapy, holding space for our contradictions and why cringing at your former self is important for self growth! there's still so much to say but i hope that this helps provide perspective!

thank you for asking questions! this is part two of my answers ~

in this episode we cover:

bonus episode to celebrate the first week of friend crush season four!

answering questions that were submitted to me in the last few weeks.

in this episode we cover how to discern between your thoughts and beliefs, how to discern between what you need and what you think you need against other people's expectations, dating after a first love and what to do when you realise someone you were into was future faking.

episodes mentioned: 32 - training for a breakup

hello my sweet angels!!! i'm so happy to be back for season four of friend crush!!!

the last few months have been such a wild ride and this episode is a life update/vibe check 

~ sliving, sloving, slaughing and slearning ~

thank you so much for your patience, encouragement and support!

lots of love xoxoxox

thank you for supporting friend crush so far! i’m eternally grateful!! answering some questions asked on IG in honor of this final episode for the season. i talk about how to recognize your own toxicity, what to do when you don’t approve of a friend’s relationship, what to do when your parents don’t approve of your decisions, how to deal with confrontation and more!

sharing my personal experiences with therapy and the approach i’ve taken. not diagnostic by any means but hopefully this can assist you in your own approach or journey!

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

kicki is a chinese born artist and influencer based in berlin. we talk about her experience growing up in germany, working as an artist and influencer, how her creative hobbies have become her career, how she balances creativity with client needs and how she met her boyfriend ♡

first episode in what i hope can be a lil sub-series! sharing bite-sized thoughts and reflections on breakups, boundaries, i give advice for a question regarding replying on hinge and my newly coined term - the digital restraining order.

please leave a question, comment or voice message for me to share in future episodes! they don’t have to be directly related to this episode and will be referred to anonymously.

episodes referenced:

32 - training for a breakup

23 - not having standards is bad for society

38 - w/ derrick gee

28 - digital distancing

36 - breadcrumbing & orbiting

35 - you are hot and having fun !!!

please welcome the first male guest on friend crush! derrick gee is a multi-talented and faceted creative director, artist manager and radio host amongst many other things. in this episode we talk about his journey to where he is today, his work experience as a former NTS radio host and head of brand partnerships at Mixcloud, advice for creatives and artists, his recent foray into tiktok and his relationship with his partner of 10 years!

discussing how my approach to skincare has changed - kind of like a metaphor to how my approach to life and things have changed too!

i start with what it was like when i had 'problematic' skin, non-product related changes that i keep in mind and my general mindset to skincare now and what i've done to improve my skin in the last few years.

a reminder that your self-worth and value is not determined by whether you have "good" skin or not!!! your skin is the biggest organ in your body so its worth taking care of though!

statistics:

breadcrumbing and orbiting are being discussed more and more in the context of modern dating and are likened to behaviors like ghosting. what do these behaviours entail and how can we become more aware of what we’re allowing or participating in and whether its inline with what we want from relationships of any kind, not just romantic ones!

articles mentioned:

sharing my current life mantra/philosophy that i use to ground myself during chaotic moments for you to see whether its something you want to adopt or can help you to figure out what might work for you!

healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear healing is not linear

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an introductory exploration into the history of hookup culture... is it as fun and empowering as we're made to think it is? everyone is different but there are some general trends that studies suggest, let's discuss and explore~

hook up culture wiki 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hookup_culture

ana psychology

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIh8LqU7s-o

gatekeeping in casual entanglements

https://www.tiktok.com/@amberakilla/video/7040327202994539777?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id6914680433222862337

breakups are fucked but i think they create opportunities for us to learn more about ourselves and develop resilience if we choose to see them this way. in this episode i outline 12 different things i try to keep in mind when it comes to break-ups and any major transition periods in my life. i think the key is remembering that appreciating what’s “good”, requires experience of what’s “bad”. an incompatibility with a person or situation doesn’t determine your inherent value and what you can do to re-connect with yourself when you feel overwhelmed.

what do we think about the west elm caleb tiktok drama? i care less about the individuals involved and more about the ‘cultural implications’ and discourse surrounding it. if you need context, give it a quick google but i’m sharing my thoughts in this week’s episode!

GQ article

how can we make sure that we are streamlining our approach to social media, friendships, romance and even our wardrobe so that we can prioritise quality over quantity? i read Cal Newport’s book “Deep Work” in an attempt to learn how to better manage my time but the ‘any benefit mindset’ (also referred to as the 'any benefit principle' in this episode)  that he critiques in relation to our approach to social media resonated with me and felt applicable to other areas of life.

Deep Work by Cal Newport

where is the fun in romance? did it catch covid and pass away???

thinking about crushes, how people’s limits differ and how do the traditional values we were raised with indirectly affect the way we approach romance.

apologies for the background noise in some sections of this episode!!

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what’s your relationship with technology like? after noticing my own struggle to stay focused i’ve been trying to find different ways to maintain a sense of mental peace amongst information overload. how does social media impact the brain and what can we do to ensure that we can enjoy the benefits of social media while managing the downsides.

Huberman Lab Podcast - Controlling Your Dopamine for Motivation, Focus & Satisfaction

a lil reflection on things i've learned over the last year, building off from the 2020 realizing things episode~

i talk about how ritual and new habits have helped me stay grounded (which i can't stop talking about), my experience with therapy and how i'm constantly reckoning with the fact that healing is not linear.

wishing everyone a safe and blessed holiday season!!! thank you for your support this year and i hope we can grow the friend crush community more in 2022 ily♡ 

Atomic Habits by James Clear

https://amzn.to/3EfP9sM

Deep Work by Cal Newport

https://amzn.to/32fjrz4

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i keep seeing people talk about this but i feel like there’s something missing from this idea… how can we shift our perspective so that we can move on from disappointment and manage our expectations?

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what's the difference between your hardware and software and how can you make sure both are being looked after? sharing my thoughts on different self-care practices, perspectives and approaches that have allowed for me to have a more holistic approach to well-being that address both body and mind. 

disclaimer: i am not a health professional by any means, this is based on my personal experience. if you have any serious mental or physical health issues please ensure that you seek professional guidance and advice.

The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

where do we place micro-cheating on the spectrum of infidelity? how has technology impacted the different ways that we can betray our partners? is there a single definition of micro-cheating or does it depend on the individual?

i look at what dating experts have to say and share your thoughts and perspectives!

articles mentioned:

what are the ways that we are being told to settle at our own expense? what does it really mean to have personal standards and boundaries and how can we define this for ourselves? sometimes i think when Ghandi said “be the change you wish to see in the world” this is what he meant!!!

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how does our relationship with the pursuit of physical beauty and “hotness” affect how we see ourselves and each other? i’ve always felt we are told that out problems are solved and that empowerment comes from being considered desirable, but is this really the case?

TW// assault, body image, eating disorders

content mentioned:

Ways of Seeing by John Berger

what does it really mean to be a “good” person and why do we struggle so much with being the villain in someone else’s story? what happens when we're not aware that we might only be motivated by a desire appear good and not to do good?

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how many topics can i touch on in 20 minutes? hehe

one of the most empowering and overwhelming realizations for me in the last few years is understanding how different parts of life and experience inform each other and how important it is to work on self-alignment and healing first instead of bypassing or running away from yourself. here's a re-intro into how i try and understand these parts so we can discuss further in later episodes!

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put those late capitalist marketing messages aside and get back to basics!

things i do to manage my mental, physical and spiritual health so i can feel grounded and centred  ✨

journaling, habit tracking, sleep, digital hygiene, exercise and meditation.

Atomic Habits

things i've been thinking about after a year of being back in my hometown!! understanding and awareness around self-empowerment, how important awareness is and the perspective that time and distance can offer for healing.

let me know what you wanna talk about next i'm restless hehe

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hello my sweet angels, in this episode i talk about why i think reading (books) is very nice and very cool and a great way to counter-balance the negative effects of social media! plus random rambles etc etc you know how it is.

today’s episode is a follow up from the last on racism, here we’re focused on internalized racism and unlearning internalized racism. i share a bunch of answers i received on instagram and add some comments and thoughts of my own. i hope we can all continue to build awareness within ourselves around these issues and share what we learn with those around us.

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sooo i asked a bunch of questions on my instagram @amberakilla regarding race and talking to your friends about race, unlearning racism, internalized racism. this episode discusses people’s responses to people around them unlearning racism and how they handle these conversations with some of my personal experience and suggestions in drawing boundaries. as we become more aware about social issues, what kind of people do we want around us and how do we navigate relationships with this knowledge.

next episode will focus on internalized racism!

let me know any thoughts or questions!!!

Video Episode:

this episode is an overview of my journey with feminism and identity so far. these issues are so complex and unique to everyone but i feel like sharing and listening to different perspectives can be helpful when trying to develop our own understanding. i'm focusing more on stages of development more than context or content here in order to demonstrate how its important to embrace learning and discovering new things about yourself and the world around you. i think we need to be giving people more room to change and develop their ideas instead of vilifying them when they don't agree with us.

please forgive me if there's anything you feel i've missed and let me know your thoughts and your own experiences too!

video podcast:

wishing everyone a happy new year! the best is truly yet to come after a year like 2020. i have been lucky enough to spend a lot of time reflecting and realizing things ~ here's a summary of some of what has stuck from chaos to confidence. please let me know if you've had similar or different reflections!

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i reflect on taking a month and a bit off of instagram, what prompted me to do it, did i learn anything and should you do it too?

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hello my loves! in today's episode i will give some final thoughts on friend break ups and what i've learnt. 

no doubt i will think about this topic at a later date or go through some shit and have new perspectives or insights but for now, this is the vibe! how can we reflect on our experiences so we can move through the world with a little more wisdom? 

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finally i got my sh*t together and am following up the first part of our friend breakup series!! in this episode i'll be exploring whether we confront or ghost people, why we might stay in an unhealthy friendship longer than we need to, whether its possible to make up after a breakup and moreeee.

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HELLO FRIENDS

sorry for falling off, i was thinking very intensely about how to follow up the previous episode on friend break ups but then i started re-realizing things about love which is such an important part of friendship that i felt should be covered! so here we are - what is the difference between practicing love and cathexis, the feeling of love and falling in love? lemme know what the vibe is ~

books mentioned

The Road Less Travelled by M Scott Peck

this episode is part one of two or three on friendship breakups, why do we break up? what's changed in a friendship that might lead to separation?

i'll draw from my own experience and observations and refer to submissions.

let me know your thoughts and feelings in the comments~

Video Episode:

today's episode features miss Elle from Sydney. she's a fashion influencer, stylist and all round creative. we discuss growing up in australia, her online journey and how sh'e found success on the internet!

Follow Elle:

https://instagram.com/14strk

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giving a run down on how friendships have changed for me in different stages of my life, how i've developed more clarity in what i'm looking for in friendship and referring to comments that were sent in. hopefully my experience gives you some insight and helps you to reflect on your own journey ~ stay tuned for the episode on friendship breakups.

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hi friends! today's guest is Yasmin Suteja! she's a photographer, influencer and founder of Culture Machine a creative agency, modeling agency and studio based in Sydney, Australia. we talk about her personal and professional journey in the Australian creative industry, coming to terms with identifying as PoC and what Yasmin has learned along the way.  

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hello sweet angels! in this episode i’m just sharing my thoughts on concepts i’ve been aware of and reflecting on in the abstract but have really come into the front of the brain this year: control, crisis, consciousness and character~ who am i, who do i want to be and am i acting accordingly? join me on this thought dump!!!

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wowee this episode is a long one ~ mostly covering my own journey with 'body image' and how i now have a much more holistic approach to mental and physical health and how that in turn affects my physical appearance. i answer some questions i received and we have two new segments! 'obsession of the week' and 'content crush' stay tuned until the end of the episode for to hear about them! the more i think about this topic, the more complicated it becomes so i hope this episode provided a little bit of perspective if you're also learning how to navigate the world in your skin suit. lots of love!!!

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hi friends! in today's episode i'm giving you a lil rundown of my mental state, discussing how my views on cultural appropriation and cancel culture have developed with reference to things i've seen on the internet recently and also a short segment on my obsession of the week - sense 8.

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hi friends! in this episode i'll be talking about helping my friend reply to her ex and why it's important to simplify the way we communicate when we're feeling emotional in order to set healthy boundaries without burning bridges.

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hi hello, welcome to Friend Crush!!! get ready for cute, chaotic and critical thinking from me aka Amber Akilla ~ stay hydrated and speak soon ♡ 

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