Goblet Of Wine: A Drunken British Harry Potter Podcast

It's time for the episode where YOU lovely people get to yell at US! But you're all really lovely, turns out.

WE'RE BACK! After an unexpectedly long break, we're FINALLY back with the film episode! We're chatting about Argentina being in Europe, awkward laughing, Dumbledore giving Harry busy work, and laughing so hard one of us queefs. Classy.

Well hello again everyone. After 30 chapters we're finally at the end of Half Blood Prince, and what a journey it's been! In this episode we bash one of our favourite european nations - Germany! First we compliment their alcohol and cruely ruin it all by making jokes about German holiday-makers. We also discuss the Eras tour, how Hogwarts never runs their exams, and how book 6 is great because it isn't book 5 - enjoy!

Send us your howler voice notes to gobletofwinepodcast@gmail.com with the subject line Howler!

Ello ello ello. Join us as we drink Taylor Swift themed cocktails (shut up, haters) and chat about chapter 29 of the half blood prince. We discuss Dumbledore's reputation, mansplaining, and how Hogwarts definitely has a morgue.

Hi Swifties! We *aren't* eating rotten shark, but we are eating and drinking many other Icelandic things! So join us as we discuss Neville being observant, the end of childhood, Snake's slutty little ankles, and how easy it is to kill babies.

Alright guvna? Today we're drinking every fucking alcohol we own, ew. We're announcing the winners of the house cup, Hogwarts being violated, and of course, Snape Unaliving Dumbledore. 

Ello ello, new episode time! We're chatting about chapter 25 of the half blood prince (eek, we're so close to the end!), about tarot cards, holocaust metaphors, and trust. Plus, Todd and Misu facetime. Awh.

Get a free box of wine (and corn), using our Wine52 link!

Bonjour, welcome back to your favourite podcast run by two fully functional alcoholics. Join us discussing chaper 24 of the half blood prince, aka unforgivable curses, nearly headless nick, and crotons. Charlie also gets stuck in some jeans, and we talk at length about our love of Notion:

HOLE IN THE WALL! We're backkkk, and again, Neil is holding us at gun point and forcing us to let him guest, ew. We're talking about prophecies and the 'chosen one', how fantasy should always have a massive worm, love being lame, and how many vegetables you can hold at once (no, this isn't a euphemism). 

Ello ello. We're back...and unfortunately, Neil is back too! He's weaselled his way onto the podcast again. And he forced us to drink Dragon Soop, the bastard. We're chatting about Snugglehorn, how Voldemort should have been minister for magic, how much soul he has, and then eventually Charlie gets distracted by corn and stops contributing to the episode.

Get a free box of wine (and corn), using our Wine52 link!

Ooooh shiny new camera! Wooo! Shiny new episode! Wooo!

Welcome back to YET ANOTHER VIDEO PODCAST! Yes, we're still really excited about this. We're chatting chapter 21 of Half Blood Prince, about Roonil Waslib, Harry being a nonce that's good at owning slaves, and not fucking your cousin.

Welcome to our MOST EXCITING EPISODE EVER! We're celebrating the biggest, most exciting thing that's ever happened to Goblet Of Wine. 

LOOK! IT'S OUR SEXY, SEXY FACES! HOW LUSH! Unless you're not listening to this via Spotify, in which case, why not. Or YouTube. Get with the times! When we aren't gazing lovingly into each others eyes (which you can see for once!!) we're discussing chapter 19 of the half blood prince. Charlie sings a beautiful rendition of Spider In The Bath, and talks about how much she hates minorities (please, no one edit her sarcasm). 

IT'S CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! It's time for a 5th Christmas special and this year we're back with writing bad fanfiction using patreon prompts. This year we're drinking hot mulled balsams while making mad stories about the scarf of sexual preference, hot crocs, defiling the sorting hat, and the worst Christmas song you've ever heard in your life, featuring Taylor Swift and Buffy The Vampire Slayer - All Too Bem. 

Hello hello! In today's episode we're discussing chapter 17 of Half Blood Prince, and Hannah gets herself cancelled by talking about how sexy children are, specifically, orphans. We also drink Balsams gifted to us by a Patreon Alex, and attempt to speak Latvian in his honour. 

Happy December everyone! Today we're drinking some fancy milky liquid and risking the fact Charlie might sh*t herself mid-episode. In this episode we begin to get a bit festive, discuss werewolf representation, how inventing spells actually works, and everyone's favourite fun topic ... war propaganda? Oh and Fred's wonderful buttock. 

Üdvözöljük! Today's episode is dedicated to the lovely Dorka (and the country of Hungary) who provided us with one of this episodes alcohols, and also very kindly voice noted in for us. In today's episode, as well as offending the entire country of Hungary, we discuss chapter 15 of the half blood prince. We chat about Christmas, Danielle Radcliffe having a second puberty, Harry's sex dreams, Ron being the worst, and Taylor Swift (obviously).

Content warnings:

Spiking - 3 minutes

Drugging: 33 minutes

Victim blaming: 1 hour

Here's the translation we were reading:

CHARLIE Én pedig charlie vagyok, és két húszévesen újraolvassuk kedvenc gyerekkori könyvünket alkohollal és cinizmussal

HANNAH Üdvözöljük a borospohárban, egy részeg Harry Potter podcastban Hannah vagyok

HANNAH A mai epizódban a Harry Potter és a félvér herceg 15. fejezetét olvassuk

CHARLIE szóval vegyél egy pohár kedvenc alkoholos italodból, és csatlakozz hozzánk ezen a részeg visszaemlékező utazáson

The *longest* awaited collab - we're FINALLY sitting down and chatting with Meg & Kate from Swish & Flick! We're drinking Schofferhofer and chatting about chapter 14 of Half Blood Prince. We're discussing Ron & Hermione's romance, gamp's law again, and male emotions.

This episode is dedicated to Alex, a member of our community who sadly passed away last year. Our fundraiser for Mermaids is linked below. 

Content warnings:

Suicide & transphobia - 11 minutes to 17:15, and 44:55 to 47

Wretching noises - 19:30 to 24:30

Hello hello! In today's episode we're *finally* sitting down with Lark and Jessie from The Gayly Prophet to discuss chapter 12 of The Half Blood Prince. We're drinking Orange Blossom's and talking about drunk McGonagall, how inventing spells work, and the invisible curriculum.

100TH EPISODE! We did this 100 times and NO ONE STOPPED US! Including the Leakycon staff who LET US DO IT LIVE AT LEAKYCON! Join us live as we discuss chapter 11, quidditch tryouts, Harry trampling first years, Hagrid, and time turners.

Oooh, what's occur gin? HELLO! We're back for our first episode post-Leaky! We're doing our Leakycon recap as well as discussing chapter 10 of Half-Blood Prince. We're talking about how incest is bad (shocking I know), Bob's big dick energy, the Pensieve auto-playing, love potions, and how Voldemort is a cranky dude who loves murder.

Content Warning: Domestic and sexual violence throughout the episode especially from 1 hour in.

All the fabulous people we mentioned from Leakycon:

Welcome welcome to another guest episode! This week we're chatting to our friend Nikita about chapter 9 whilst drinking Pimms in excruciating heat. We discuss body fluids, school timetables and free periods, Ron side-kicking, genetics, and overall poor teaching.

ELLO ELLO! We drank Amortentia and we didn't fall in love! Hurray! In today's episode we're inventing amortentia drinks and chatting about patronuses, non-uniform day, and the ever-changing layout of the great hall.

Leakycon Schedule: http://www.leakycon.com/orlando-2022-schedule/

Leakycon Tickets (use code GOBLET for $10 off): https://www.showclix.com/event/leakycon21-orlando/tag/topnav

It's been months since we recorded, we are back and we're drinking tubby custard (or amaretto sours as it's also known). In this episode, we talk about chapter 7 of Half Blood Prince, with added eggs, Harry's incredible character growth (sometimes), how hot Blaise Zabini is and how much everyone dunks on Tonks.

Leakycon Schedule: http://www.leakycon.com/orlando-2022-schedule/

Leakycon Tickets (use code GOBLET for $10 off): https://www.showclix.com/event/leakycon21-orlando/tag/topnav

We're back, and just us! In today's episode we're covering chapter 6 of HBP, and talking about the weird people we fancy, Hermione's parents, how we fall asleep tonight, and LOVE POTIONS!

Content Warning: 57 minutes - rape

Hello and welcome back to another episode with Will & Nick from Flyte! We are *ridiculously* smashed in this episode, so slurring our way through the rest of chapter five, talking about Harry's boner, exam results, Fleur, and Mollywobbles.

Well Hey, Hi and Hello it's time for episode 93! In today's episode we're joined by the wonderful band Flyte to discuss a very small amount of Chapter 5 - An Excess of Phlegm. We discuss the word phlegm, Hermione's apparent lack of parents, really hot soup and get beautifully serenaded by Will and Nick.

Velkommen tilbake til en ny episode! I dagens episode fornærmer vi hele Norge, Hannah drikker COVID og fekal materie, vi diskuterer å nå en million nedlastinger og snakker om å besøke farealliert.

This episode is dedicated to Abby.

SZN SIX BBY! We're kicking off Half-Blood Prince drinking jam out of a teapot (ofc) and encouraging you not to engage with JK Rowling's content. We 👏 don't 👏 support 👏 terfs 👏 on 👏 this 👏 podcast 👏. We're discussing our memories of book 6 whilst reading one of our favourite chapters, The Other Minister.

What's this?! A new episode format, wow! We're wrapping up season 5 of the podcast with a first-ever listener phone in episode! A GIANT thank you to Alex, Anna, Arthur, Cameron, Indiana, Jessica, Klaudia, Mark, Megan, Nahima, Nicole, Olivia, Rachel, Rhiannon, Spencer, Sunny, Uncle A for their howlers. 

It's film episode timeeeee. Featuring...A WHITE MAN! *gasp* Yup, y'all get to 'meet' Charlie's BF Conor, what a big step, wow. We chat about the Order Of The Pheonix film whilst drinking some bastardised Guiness drinks and about Ron being minimised, fake feet, and Harry's owl drawings.

IT'S THE FINAL CHAPTERRRR! That's right we've *finally* finished Order of the Pheonix, and it only took us...two years? Strap in for us drinking Guinness, announcing the winner of the house cup, talking about Harry finding the mirror, Luna being bullied, Ginny being a slut, and answering the funniest end of episode question we've ever had.

Wanna send us a howler? And be featured in an episode of Goblet of Wine? Now’s your chance!

- We’re accepting voice notes about anything to do with Order Of The Phoenix! This could be theories, head canons, things we missed, questions, anything! If you’re the kind of person that listens to us and has to stop yourself replying out loud, now is your chance!

- We’d love voice notes (your phone audio will do just nicely) however if you’re really shy, we can read out an email

- Tips for sound quality: don’t record in large, echoy rooms, don’t be too far or too close from the microphone. Style it out Harry Potter style and record in the cupboard under your stairs, closet, or under the duvet covers.

- Please try to keep them within 2 minutes. We won’t blame you if they’re 2:23 seconds. But please don’t send 15 minute voice notes or we won’t be able to fit everyone in.

- Howlers must be sent by email attachment to gobletofwinepodcast@gmail.com by the 11th of March with the subject ‘howler for your attention’

- Please don’t actually yell at us. We’re very fragile.

Strap yourselves in for a lomg but gud episode! We're chatting about the cluster fuck that is chapter 37 whilst drinking Cranberry Vodka. So settle in as we discuss Phineas being a gossiping homosexual, Harry never asking about his parents, Dumbledore's porn addiction, and how shit the epilogue is. Hannah goes full Hannah and has made an entirely timeline of the last few chapters events (link below), Charlie goes full Charlie by making a bunch of references to different media, and we go Goblet of Wine by attempting to direct an entire scene of our imaginary HP TV show.

We're backkkkk! And we missed youuuuu. After taking a (short) break to get on top of things (aka emotionally recover from Sirius' death), we're back and we're drinking THE WORST THING WE'VE EVER DRUNK ON THE PODCAST! Once we finished gagging, we chatted about Andrew Scott, Name Of The Wind, Harry being gay for Sirius (RIP), Mad Eye and Tonks, and Black wizarding history.

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas! Now be miserable with this episode talking about Sirius dying, unforgivable curses, Hermione potentially being dead, neville being and idiot, and Pluto no longer being a planet. Cry, bitch.

Merry Christmas Eve! We're back with another festive special and this time we've chosen CHAOS (when do we not!) We're reimagining the British Christmas classic Love Actually into the Hogwarts universe. Think Colin Creevey killing muggle-borns, Percy Weasley being a horny secretary and George fucking 5 french girls. Grab a glass of mulled wine or a festive Eggnog and join us for a drunken Christmas ramble!

Hello and welcome back to another episode. Today we're drinking The Eliminator AND Corn Wine with Neil and talking about Loveshack, All The Young Dudes, and Harry's Trauma.

New Monday, new episode. And today we have some very special guests! We're sitting down with Faye and Rachel from Her Dark Materials podcast (a podcast about His Dark Materials), aka two people that Charlie *actually* knows irl (shock horror) who also happen to have a fab podcast. We're drinking Tokay and discussing feminist wrestling, pagan festivals, goth horses, death, and Ron's flying penis.

Her Dark Materials:

Ooft...strap in for a *heavy* episode. This episode comes with a massive trigger warning for rape/sexual assault between 16:00 and 46:00. When we're not talking about really heavy, not fun topics, we're discussing Harry's loss of innocence and my dads obsession with his talking Dobby toy, whilst drinking 'Babbling Beverages' aka Tequila, Chambord, Elderflower, and Pineapple & Coconut Juice.

Wow hi, it's another episode, one where Charlie is both hungover during recording AND writing this right now. We're reading out our hate mail (hey besties), asking to be posted the ghost of a goat, and talking about all the milking that may or may not be happening, Harry's saving people thing, how fast thestrals fly and all the fucking plot holes.

A long, *long* time ago, we promised that if we ever hit 200 Patreons we would go to Albania and record an episode in a forest. WELL, we hit 200 Patreons, we went to Albania, and today's episode is coming at you from a mother fucking forest. We're drinking Greek Amstel and Albanian Brandy, and deep diving into both the modern history of Albania and how it related to Harry Potter, as well as chapter 31 of Order of the Pheonix. Turns out Albanian history is bloody fascinating, and you can relate it back to the events in Harry Potter really well, so we really recommend you don't skip the first section. However, if you do want to we shut up about it at 31 minutes. But you will miss conversation about King Zog and pyramid schemes. Diving into chapter 31, we're talking about study techniques, fish oil, sexy villians and letting Dumbledore suck and fuck.

(Also, apologies that the audio quality during the bit we recorded in an Albanian forest isn't great, it does get better in the main episode.)

Study Playlists

Ello ello. We're back after a (very brief) break, and back with a vengeance. In today's episode, we're drinking "Irish Trash Cans", and chatting about punting students, blind casting, gay centaurs, and what subjects we would take.