How Coronavirus Saved My Life

episode 44: the teacher (How Coronavirus is My Greatest Teacher in Miracles)

When you grow up in trauma, it's hard to understand the people who hurt you, the people who put you in unsafe situations, the people who purposely hurt you, are YOUR teachers. My racist father was my teacher for injustice. My narcissistic mother was my teacher for my inner worthiness. My ex-husband was my teacher on spotlighting my judgment of others. My past toxic friendships and relationships are my teachers for emotional growth through challenging experiences.

Coronavirus was my teacher in finding the miracle of me. Coronavirus was my teacher for questioning my childhood belief system. Coronavirus was my teacher in building resiliency.

Coronavirus IS my teacher in challenging my fears and proving those fears wrong.

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episode 43: the chord (How My Dad's Death Was A Gift To My Healing) When my dad died, a toxic limb was severed from my body. It was startling when the detective called to tell me my Dad was dead. I no longer had to endure my father's dysfunctional behaviors. He was dead. So now what? In this episode, I share epiphanies about my dad’s death being a gift to my healing and the unconditional love I gave him directly before he died despite the hurt he caused me in childhood. My father’s death gave me unspeakable freedom and release. His death created a deeper pathway to my inner worthiness.  My father’s death led me to discover my mother is a narcissist. How? Because his chaotic behaviors were no longer in the picture or a distraction. A fog had lifted. I could see my mother's abuse clearly now.  ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Connect with Christine for Mental Health Discussions and Tools for Recovery:

What beliefs did you have about yourself from childhood? What beliefs did you have about your parents then and now? Our beliefs are formed by the time we are 7 years old. My beliefs and perspectives about myself and my parents were intertwined with a story of unworthiness, can’t trust, never will get better, and not feeling safe. 

At any given moment, we can change our perspectives and beliefs. Believing I would die from Coronavirus changed my perspective about my childhood beliefs forever. Changing my perspective about my childhood beliefs has been pivotal in my healing. Making this choice has brought me peace. 

This episode is about how getting Coronavirus was the catapult in questioning my childhood beliefs and perspectives. 

Today's Mantras:

• I am the truth

• All the answers I am seeking are within me

• I can change my perspective at any given moment 

• My strength lies within the possibility of the new possible 

• My perspectives  are evolving for my healing and mental wellbeing 

• My perspectives are limitless, and SO AM I

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Thank you for listening. I hope people will not suffer as much by discovering healing techniques through my experiences.

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What is your relationship with Uncertainty? How do you respond to Uncertainty? How do you react when a plan changes unexpectedly? How do you react when a person reacts to you unexpectedly? 

Uncertainty is a word that can invoke fear, anxiety, and stress in our minds. However, uncertainty can also be a friend.

This episode is about how I learned to embrace uncertainty through my uncertain experiences rather than fearing it, which can help you to become more resilient in the face of challenges. This episode explains why our brains are hardwired to think negatively and strategies for changing this pattern. 

Mantras for this episode: 

I embrace uncertainty 

Uncertainty creates opportunity

Uncertainty shows me areas I need healing 

Uncertainty leads me to me 

Thank you for listening. My hope is for people not to suffer as much by discovering healing techniques through my experiences.
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Hearing the N-Word my entire life was a trauma for me. Witnessing injustice frequently impacted my childhood. 

Injustice was a trauma for me. 

Today's episode is about my experience with being raised by a Racist White Alcoholic Father. 

How my Father not only said the N-Word but would describe a group of people as subhuman.  Connecting the dots with how my father became racist and how his racism has led to my soul's calling. 

How my racist grandmother would not let me swim with black people. 

Why I have always been drawn to other cultures. 

And the surprising time I felt love and safety for the first time at 14 years old. 

Thank you for listening. My hope is for others to find ways to heal through my journey. 

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This Episode is about JOURNALING and GRATITUDE - How Journaling has helped me understand myself. 

When you start your day by Writing 5 Things you are Grateful for, YOU start with Love for Yourself.

 Starting off with Gratitude releases Oxytocin, the Love Hormone, LOVE FOR YOURSELF. 

 Listen as I am shifting through my past journal entry from a 29-year-old me to a today me. 

Gratitude makes a difference. Journaling Changed My Life.  Journaling Has Made A Difference In How I View Myself. 

Journaling Practice has helped Me Heal Childhood Wounds & Trauma. 

Today's MANTRA: 

I AM LIMITLESS

I AM POWERFUL

I CREATE BEAUTIFUL EXPERIENCES 

I AM FUCKING AMAZING

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What do we do when a painful childhood memory comes up? Do we ignore the painful memory? Do we stuff the painful memory down with food, drugs, alcohol, sex, overworking, toxic relationships, starving ourselves, people pleasing, and saving others? What do we do if multiple painful childhood memories flood in at once? 

This episode was inspired by my client who didn't want to remember her painful childhood. Little did I know a flood of childhood memories would happen after our encounter.  Memories of my father always using alcohol, drugs, weed, cigarettes, etc. Memories of him giving me alcohol when I was 3 years old. Memories of my father teaching me to cope with stress with any substance you can get your hands on--every single night. 

I recorded this episode as I was sifting through these memories. My goal is to help others shift through their painful memories as well. These memories are coming up for a reason. I am grateful for my painful memories coming to the surface because I NOW have the choice of what to do with them.  

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Welcome back to episode 37, part TWO! Dr. Perkins and I continue our conversation about the importance of Spirituality in Mental Health recovery. 

Jack Perkins is a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Psuche Education Counseling & Coaching Services. He has a heart to help others discover the secret to living a fulfilled life by integrating their spirituality into every area of their lives. He’s seen first hand how the integration of spirituality into healthcare is important in the recovery process.

Topics Discussed:

• Why integrating spirituality into healthcare is important
• Why people turned to prayer after Sept 11
• Spirituality gives people hope and helps them cope with depression
• Why Christine went into nursing
• World Health Organization states spirituality is a pillar of healthcare
• Low Percentage of doctors assessing spirituality with patients
• Importance of spirituality assessment in healthcare
• Providers need to assess their spiritual health first
• Provider bias with patients’ religions and spiritual beliefs
• Jack's touching story of helping grieving parents whose baby just died

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What is YOUR definition of Spirituality?

In this episode (part one), Dr. Jack Perkins and I talk about the power of Spirituality. The power of finding meaning in our childhood suffering.

Dr. Perkins tells his personal story of suffering first. His story of childhood suffering touched me deeply. I know it will touch you deeply as well. 

What is your Story? What Story have you been telling yourself since childhood? What is the constant story running in your head?

Today's episode is about My Story. The Story I've been telling myself since childhood. A story built by broken people AKA my Parents. 

The purpose of today's episode is to help Empower You to create a new story.

I share techniques that work for me. You deserve to feel good in your story.

I first began observing my thoughts and emotions. "What am I feeling?"  Then ask yourself where does this feeling come from? Is it real? Is it based on fact? Is it based on a memory or an emotion from childhood? Is this a belief? What is the evidence that supports this belief? Are there any other points of view that might support this belief? What would someone who loves me say about this belief? Would they agree with me or disagree with me? What can I do today to support myself in making changes toward becoming healthier emotionally and spiritually? 

Listen to episode 36: the story for more healing techniques. 

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I dedicate this episode to my friend & fellow podcaster Willie Porter. 

Willie asked me a question no one ever asked me in childhood.

"When was the last time you took a break?" was the question. 

Thank you Willie for being a great friend & supporter. 

Check out Willie's podcast he makes with his Wife 

Do you suffer from Chronic Pain? 

Do you have Long COVID symptoms still but can't get answers?

This episode is for YOU. YOU are not alone.

My guest today is Arun Nijhawan. Arun was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease at age 24. His pain became so debilitating he no longer could play basketball, hike–his pain made it difficult to even walk. His pain was REAL. So was the SOLUTION.

Listen to Part TWO of episode 35: the recovery-- where Arun tells his story of how he recovered from Chronic Pain while I tell my OWN story of Long COVID Recovery.

The purpose of today’s episode is for people suffering from Chronic Pain and Long COVID symptoms to feel heard and cared for, to not suffer as much, and find hope once again in the possibility of recovery. 

Arun Nijhawan is the co-founder of menda.health--- an evidence-based virtual pain recovery program. 

Arun suffered from chronic pain for 5 long years. Arun still didn’t have answers despite having the BEST access to medical resources.  Listen to his story of Chronic Pain Recovery. Arun's story will blow you away. 

Do you suffer from Chronic Pain? Do you have Long COVID symptoms?

This episode is for YOU.

Per the CDC, Nearly 1 in 5 still have long COVID symptoms. A Medscape article predicts Long COVID could cost the economy TRILLIONS. 

My guest today is Arun Nijhawan. Arun was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease at age 24. His pain became so debilitating he no longer could play basketball, hike–his pain made it difficult to even walk. His pain was REAL. So was the SOLUTION.

Listen to Part One of today's episode where Arun tells his journey of Chronic Pain Recovery while I tell my OWN story of Long COVID recovery.

The purpose of today’s episode is for people suffering from Chronic Pain and Long COVID symptoms to feel heard and cared for.

Arun Nijhawan is the co-founder of menda.health, an evidence-based virtual pain recovery program. Arun suffered from chronic pain for 5 long years. Arun still didn’t have answers despite having the BEST access to medical resources.

Do you have Chronic Pain? Ready for Pain Recovery? This episode is for YOU!

We have a special guest today—Dr. Les Aria, a Pain Psychologist & Co-founder of Menda.Health, who specializes in helping people recover from chronic pain. Today, he'll explain what polyvagal theory is and how it can help you feel safe when you're dealing with chronic pain.

This week's episode, Part TWO, on polyvagal theory and its application to chronic pain therapy. Polyvagal theory is the science of feeling safe, and it's based on decades of research by Dr. Stephen Porges, who pioneered research into the autonomic nervous system and its relationship with emotions.

Do you have Chronic Pain? Ready for Pain Recovery? This episode is for YOU!

We have a special guest today—Dr. Les Aria, a Pain Psychologist who specializes in helping people recover from chronic pain. Today, he'll explain what polyvagal theory is and how it can help you feel safe when you're dealing with chronic pain.

This week's episode, Part One, on Polyvagal Theory and its application to chronic pain therapy. Polyvagal theory is the science of feeling safe, and it's based on decades of research by Dr. Stephen Porges, who pioneered research into the autonomic nervous system and its relationship with emotions.

Were you taught it's ok to say "No" in childhood? Were you taught it's ok to speak up for your needs? Neither was I. 

Teaching myself how to set boundaries is a work in progress. My narcissistic mother crossing my boundary for the last time was my key to emotional freedom and authentic worthiness. 

In this solo episode, I cover all things boundaries. 

Rule of Thumb: Those who react the loudest when a boundary is set is evidence the boundary was needed in the first place (read this again).

Topics Covered: 

• What is a boundary?
• Why boundaries are important to your well-being
• 4 types of boundaries 
• Signs a boundary is crossed
• How to set a boundary
• My personal examples and emotional impact when I didn't set boundaries

A REAL Mother to Mother conversation about the challenges of motherhood. 

In this Video Podcast Episode I speak with Belinda Tyner, an Adult Geriatric Nurse Practitioner about her journey of becoming a warrior while teaching herself how to parent through the challenges of raising a child with ADHD.

Watch Video on youtube here: 

How do you teach yourself to parent when you were raised by a broken emotionally immature mother? Then throw in society's illusion of motherhood where it is expected mothers are born nurturers who saves everyone with a unrealistic superwomen mentality. What happens to your self-esteem when your mother was none of these misguided societal illusions?  (hint: unworthiness)

In this episode I speak with Belinda Tyner, an Adult Geriatric Nurse Practitioner about her journey of becoming a warrior while teaching herself how to parent through the challenges of raising a child with ADHD. 

Topics Discussed: 

• The illusions of motherhood
• Teaching yourself how to parent 
• Meeting your child's needs where their at
• Conditioning of the Superwoman Syndrome
• Asking yourself “what do I need?”
• Being raised by parents in survival mode
• Importance of praising a child with ADHD during the good moments
• Importance of ADHD diagnosis ASAP
• Being tired of doing it all

ADHD and Parenting Resources: 

What does the word adversity mean to you? Chris Allen is the definition of overcoming adversity. 

A powerful follow up conversation with my new friend Chris Allen. His honesty, vulnerability, transparency, and directness about his difficult childhood filled with abuse and chaos inspires me to be more vulnerable and transparent about my own story.

Chris and I tell discuss losing our virginity at a young age, Chris’s former approach to sex and intimacy before meeting his beautiful wife, and his father’s suspicious suicide. And the weird thing Chris and I have in common! Find out the ONE question Chris COULD NOT answer at the end.

What does the word adversity mean to you? Chris Allen is the definition of overcoming adversity. 

A powerful follow up conversation with my new friend Chris Allen. His honesty, vulnerability, transparency, and directness about his difficult childhood filled with abuse and chaos inspires me to be more vulnerable and transparent about my own story.

Chris and I tell discuss losing our virginity at a young age, Chris’s former approach to sex and intimacy before meeting his beautiful wife, and his father’s suspicious suicide. And the weird thing Chris and I have in common! Find out the ONE question Chris COULD NOT answer at the end.

Have you ever wondered what the conscious and unconscious parts of your personality are? Have you ever wondered how you knew something you just knew?

Discovering human design made many things click for me. Many experiences, many breakthroughs, many undiscovered talents, many choices I've made in the past make sense, Human Design has shown me why I now have a podcast at age 44. Why I’m coming off the roof early to be a role model for others. Why having alone time is where my foundation of my teachings to others lies.

Today I brought back my friend and human design coach Marielle Honse once again to discuss the human design profile lines

Before listening to this episode, I encourage you to listen to our previous Human Design episodes before listening to this one so you have an easier understanding of this fascinating subject.

What if your path was planned since you were a little girl? What if you had a path of getting married, having children, a successful job, and living happily ever? What if your path changed without warning instantly crushing your hopes and dreams?

My bold conversation with Arlene Bolden-Korleh about her unexpected journey of her path to divorce is honest, thoughtful, and enlightening.

What if your path was planned since you were a little girl? What if you had a path of getting married, having children, a successful job, and living happily ever? What if your path changed without warning instantly crushing your hopes and dreams? 

My bold conversation with Arlene Bolden-Korleh about her unexpected journey of her path to divorce is honest, thoughtful, and enlightening.

This episode left me speechless. It is not often I meet someone who's childhood has similarities to mine. Much less someone who is as direct and transparent about the value of having a traumatic childhood , how reframing our conditioned perspective of our painful past is where your power lies and shows our true purpose.

My honest no-holds-barred conversation with Chris Allen, CEO & Co-Founder of Advanced Computing and Technology, Athlete, Father, Husband, former prisoner turned Advocate, about his Journey of Reframing Conditioned Views of Male Strength is a game changer. How beautiful for two people who barely know one another to instantly trust & feel safe in sharing their dysfunctional childhood resulting in seeking love in toxic relationships, multiple sex partners, and choices altering our destiny forever. 

Society tells us that men should be "strong", the head of the family, the one that we can lean on, the one who has all the answers, the one who won't hurt you, the one who will rescue you. Then women, such as myself, become disappointed when men do not live up to this misguided societal conditioning.

The purpose of today’s episode is to start reframing our misguided conditioned beliefs about male strength.

Thank You Chris Allen for trusting the listeners with your story. Thank you for being honest about your own mistakes you made in past relationships. Thank you Chris for being vulnerable. You are a role model in male vulnerability. 

Chris Allen is a role model in Male Vulnerability. Male Vulnerability is the VERY definition of Male Strength.

This week I am practicing what I preach. I am taking a week off for self-care. Instead of recording a new interview, I decided to replay my most popular episode: dysregulation. This episode is the first where I went with my gut by changing my podcast to an interview style show. I am so happy I did because this episode has spoken to so many listeners around the globe. I interview my therapist friend Sandy about our dysregulated emotional nervous system which stems from childhood trauma. I had no idea my perfectionism and procrastination were forms of that 3-legged stool called Anxiety. I also did not know setting boundaries is actually a form of self-protection and the importance of saying those two little letters N-O. Sandy blew my mind when she revealed why we all have such hard time saying "No" and such difficulty setting boundaries with the people we love (hint: we were never taught it was safe to do so).  

Looking back on my own journey as a Nurse Practitioner with Coronavirus in April 2020, I was BURNED OUT. I no longer had joy for my nursing profession, constantly frustrated, unhappy, and always in fight or flight (anxiety). As I have been easing my way back into more hospital shifts, I have been talking to nurses about their own Coronavirus journey and their BURNOUT Story. 

Calling all Nurses! I am looking for a Nurse to tell their own personal coronavirus story. I am looking to have a conversation with a Nurse about BURNOUT. 

Email me at: Christine@Howcoronavirussavedmylife.com with Subject line "Burnout" to tell your story as a nurse working during the pandemic. 

Thank you to all my listeners! My little podcast I made to help the world heal is starting to reach the ears and hearts of people around the world! Big hugs!

Christine's Resources:

In this podcast episode….

Coach Marielle Honse and I continue our conversation about my favorite topic —Human Design.

Before listening and downloading this episode….

Mental Health experts and advocates discuss solutions to mental health stigma in the black community

Meet the Panel: 

Adris  Moffett, LCSW-S "Your Classy Therapist"

In this episode....

Melissa Llarena and I have a powerful conversation about her childhood. Quite frankly, I am still wrapping my mind around what it was like for Melissa as a little girl being raised by a Mother who has Bipolar Disorder. Melissa eloquently paints the picture of herself as a little girl who's mother was frequently hospitalized, off her meds, manic, grandiose, and unstable. A little girl who was shuffled around, raising herself, constant chaos, and a foundation created with uncertainty and danger. I am honored Melissa Llarena trusted my listeners and myself for giving her a safe space to speak her childhood truth. 

Personal Note: 

Dear Melissa, 

I am so proud of you for the bravery of sharing your story. This IS YOUR Geraldo Rivera moment. Little Melissa is worthy of feeling safe in her/your truth. You inspire me in unimaginable ways! Thank you. I am humbled. Keeping speaking YOUR truth. You deserve it.... and so does the world. Go Cycle

Melissa Llarena's Bio:

Melissa is a business mentor, career coach, Forbes contributor, and greatest cheerleader to fellow mompreneurs. She is the creator and host of ``An Interview with Melissa Llarena” which is a podcast for super curious humans who desire to learn from humans who courageously and creatively went after their curiosities, and made an impact, so they can too.

Melissa Llarena Resources: 

Show notes:

episode 21: the design (Conversation with Human Design Expert and Coach Marielle Honse)

Intro:

After I emerged from quarantine in April 2020 I was a different person. My brain was different, my soul was different, & the things that spoke to my heart were different. I could no longer go back to the person I was before. The person I was before was constantly frustrated, unhappy without knowing why, and living in a world of pressure and dissatisfaction.

As I journeyed through my spiritual transformation, I came across Human Design. The more I read and learned about my own Human Design, the more I was fascinated. Human Design (HD) has helped me understand my gifts & talents, how to use frustration as my superpower, why I had a traumatic childhood.

Today I brought my friend and Human Design Coach and Reader Marielle to discuss what exactly is Human Design and how this can transform your life as well.

episode 21 topics:

• Human Design Coach Marielle gives background about herself, how she found HD, and why it resonated with her
• Marielle explains Human Design two ways
• Bodygraphs
• Gates
• Marielle explains who developed and discovered HD
• Neutrino flow
• Energy Types (Generators, Manifestors, MGs, Projectors, and Reflectors)
• Profile Types

Marielle HD Coach Resources: 

Show Notes:

In this episode (audio only), Christine has a conversation with her best friend Anthony about his Experience as a Gay Man with HIV

Christine and Anthony discuss the following:

• Debate the term promiscuous 
• Tell the story how they met 
• Compare and contrast their childhood 
• Anthony’s Italian Conservative family 
• Money trauma in childhood Using money to avoid difficult emotions 
• Anthony’s powerful moment with his bio father 
• Anthony not knowing any gay people till 18 years old 
• Anthony knowing he was gay since 12 
• His first gay experience How is family reacted when came out 
• Creating his own version of a gay man 
• Speaking our truth 
• Sep 11
•  Anthony’s HIV diagnosis & powerful moment with his dr 
• Madonna advocating for safe sex 
• His family’s reaction to his HIV diagnosis

Resources for HIV education and facts:

Show Notes: 

In this episode, Christine has a conversation with her best friend Anthony about his Experience as a Gay Man with HIV

Christine and Anthony discuss the following:

• Debate the term promiscuous
• Tell the story how they met
• Compare and contrast their childhood
• Anthony’s Italian Conservative family
• Money trauma in childhood
• Using money to avoid difficult emotions
• Anthony’s powerful moment with his bio father
• Anthony not knowing any gay people till 18 years old
• Anthony knowing he was gay since 12
• His first gay experience
• How is family reacted when came out
• Creating his own version of a gay man
• Speaking our truth
• Sep 11
• Anthony’s HIV diagnosis & powerful moment with his dr
• Madonna advocating for safe sex
• His family’s reaction to his diagnosis

Resources for HIV education and facts:

My open conversation with fellow podcaster Willie Porter from The Thing About Us podcast about his experience as a American Black Man living in Kentucky.

Topics we discussed and explored:

• Willie’s experience and frustrations during the Breonna Taylor protests
• Why he says “Kings and Queens” instead of the N-word
• Conditioning of my racist father, my family's genealogy book with lists of slaves and prices
• Exploring why white people are uncomfortable talking about the history of slavery
• Why it’s important for Willie’s step-son Zion to learn about black history
• Willie’s feelings about not being able to know his lost family history
• How every black man has a different struggle just as any other man
• What his own personal struggle was growing up as black man and what he had to teach himself
• His thoughts on Society’s Conditioned view of the black man aggression
• Exploring why some people might view someone as aggressive
• Soul Food

Thank You to all the listeners helping this podcast grow! Without We There Is No Me

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Anchor:

Today's episode Christine has a deep conversation with her friend Sandra about the topic of Colorism, the ingrained assumption of “Light Good, Black Bad” from slavery and how the light skin privilege only went so far.

The times of slavery when light skin and dark skin people being separated as light skin was more acceptable to work in the slave master’s house vs dark skin people working in the field.

Sandra discusses the Clark Doll Study where dolls of different shades are shown to black children asking questions if which doll was good, bad, or preferred.

Christine discusses her own family genealogy of owing slaves and how slaves cost less than farm equipment

Sandra discusses her daughter dating white men exclusively, her daughter experiencing racism at an Asian dance club, and why it bothers Sandra that her daughter does not want to date black men.

Topic of a few African Americans being antiblack, the illusion of black people aren’t marginalized.

Diversity in the workplace, different experiences, and being short sighted.

Christine’s own previous assumptions of black people all being in the fight together.

Racism and divide between Africans and African-Americans, African men’s view of black men being lazy and African men’s assumption of African American women when dating.

A powerful conversation about black women’s feelings about black men dating white women, the “shortage of black men” on their level, and the feeling of betrayal.

Christine discusses why she predominantly dates African American males, her theme of not feeling protected in childhood, and how black represents protection to her.

The pedestals of race, placing attributes onto a group of people, finding worthiness in a partner instead of inside yourself.

The black man struggles with getting jobs, career advancement which affects being head of household. Black women getting a job over a black man because of the assumption of being threatening.

Solutions to the assumptions ingrained in the black experience which starts with healing yourself then networking together.

Resource: 

In this episode, Christine interviews her friend Sandra about the complex origins of codependency in the African American Community. From her own experience as an African American working mother born and raised in Texas, Sandra shares her thoughts, examples of codependency in her family, codependency in her own life, and her views of where African American Codependency originated from w/ the added complexities of religion.

This episode is not to be missed! This conversation about family dysfunction, consequences of success, slavery, psychological manipulation through religion, what "boujee" means, and the consequences of setting a boundary in an African American family was eye-opening. 

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Finally, the answer to my mother's unnatural treatment of me my whole life. The subtle "thing" that was hard to explain. I dealt with the subtle abuse, manipulation, sabotage, and constant gaslighting in childhood. It is difficult to understand and know your abuse from your narcissistic mother had nothing to do with you when you are growing up. My hope is for others to discover it was not their fault.

Check out my blog below for more of my childhood story of being raised by a narcissistic mother:

In this episode... 

I interview my therapist friend Sandy, LPC who blew my mind with her poetic Facebook posts about the effects of childhood trauma on the body, importance of self-protection (two little words saying N-O), and much more. I am excited to venture into an interview style podcast so I, along with others, can get the healing tools for our individual needs. 

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Realizing I have been seeking external validation because I did not feel worthy. I also could not a find a definition of worthy or worthiness that I could agree with. This by far has been my favorite episode to record because I had one of the most powerful breakthroughs which led to me discovering I am worthy of it all. WE ARE WORTHY OF IT ALL. 

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Plot twist: it wasn’t all my ex husband’s fault

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Just when you think you have healed yourself of a particular emotion that no longer serves, you circle back for deeper meaning. 

My teenage rebellion. Children model parent's behavior, not their words. I expressed my hurt, anger, confusion, insecurity, low self worth through my behaviors. I was never taught it was ok to express your sadness, anger, or hurt. I had enough of being verbally silenced. Since educating myself on my teen-age behaviors, I now know this fits in the perfect timeline on how I was feeling. Low self worth = destructive behaviors. Plus, my brain was not fully developed as our brains our not fully developed until we are 25 years old. My parents were emotionally immature and did not provide a safe secure foundation. So I started looking others places to create for myself. 

When you start becoming the observer of your reactions as an adult, you find these reactions are unhealed traumas from your childhood. 

Discovering how deeply my ego was wrapped up in my marriage and my husband's reactions and disconnection was deeply painful.

Consciously severing my ego from my husband and our marriage was the beginning of the scariest part of my journey. Instead of running away from this fear, I ran towards it. I ran towards an unknown outcome that forever changed how I dealt with fear.  

Coming out of quarantine only to realize my marriage was over. One of the most devastating parts of my journey.