Infertility Crossroads

Holy smokes! We've published 37 episodes and wow am I proud. When I first started this podcast I was worried I wouldn't have enough content to get through 5 episodes and here we are! Summer is here which means I'm taking a break from the podcast for the next few months. Don't worry though! I already have 5 episodes ready to drop in the fall to kick of Season 2 of Infertility Crossroads.

In the meantime, go back and listen to some of your favorites. Or maybe there are episodes on topics that felt too hard to listen to when they first came out but you are in a different place now and ready to hear them.

This episode is all about the friends and family who are supporting you on your fertility journey. It’s one I created for you to SHARE with others.

Infertility is incredibly hard, isolating, and lonely. Most people who have never been through it don’t understand. So the burden to educate falls on us, those who are struggling.

On the episode today I’m sharing five tips for our friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, anyone in your life who is walking along side you on this journey but hasn’t been through it themselves. I’m telling them the things you wish you could say but don’t know how.

Listen to the episode, then share it with anyone you want to so they can be better and more supportive for you. 

Resources from this episode: 

In this episode, I’m chatting with Lindsay Blount. Lindsay learned that she was donor conceived as an adult.  Through this information, Lindsay has been learning what it means for her, her children and her family.   Through her experience, Lindsay has become an advocate for the rights of donor conceived people and has worked hard to help educate recipient parents about the donor conceived experience (through her lens). 

Lindsay is one of those people who offers her viewpoints and life stories in a way that makes it easier for you to comprehend her perspective and story. She is approachable, straight forward and is a donor conceived person who I’ve learned a lot from. 

While Lindsay shares her own, personal perspective and does not speak for all DCP, she shares a lot about her own story, sharing with your child that they are DCP, discusses terminology that she uses and uses with her own children, talks about the rights of DCP and how when we are centered and focused on the DCP experience we all win. 

Covered in this episode:

In this episode, we are joined by Elaine Bogard. Elaine is a soul midwife and a fertility shaman who helps women overcome fertility obstacles, heal from pregnancy loss and sexual trauma, and become the mothers they have always been meant to be. She's located in the beautiful state of Hawaii.

We discussed ways to help women recover from pregnancy loss, and overcome challenges to conception, including all of the feelings and pain related to it. It's fascinating to learn how our emotions can impact our physical bodies. It can occasionally be difficult to understand.

This is a bit of a woo woo episode but one that I think you will really enjoy if you listen with an open mind, an open heart, and a spirit of curiosity.  I find everything Elaine mentions fascinating! 

Covered in this episode:

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Connect with Elaine:

Infertility is full of mixed feelings and emotions. What I like to call the both / and. It’s hard AND it’s beautiful. It’s painful AND it’s fun. It’s broken AND amazing things happen.

When we can start getting ourselves into a place of feeling gratitude AND pain and get comfortable in the uncomfortable space of both/and amazing things start to happen.

And once I realized this on my own infertility journey, I started to develop skills that I would take with me through the rest of my life.

In the episode today I'm sharing what I've learned about existing in the both / and - the good and the bad. I'm sharing some ways you can start learning how to feel uncomfortable in the conflicting feelings and how you can hone these skills now and into the future.

Lana is a driven and focused woman who didn't have a plan for how she was going to have a family until she met her husband. But their journey towards parenthood wasn't as smooth as they hoped. After 7 long years of trying different things and taking breaks to navigate their next steps, Lana found herself with only one genetically abnormal embryo that they couldn't transfer.

But Lana's story doesn't end there. She's sharing her experience of navigating the tough decision of choosing to live child free after infertility.

It's not an easy decision to make, and we'll be diving into the tough topics around choosing to live child free vs using an egg donor or adopting. We'll also talk about the shame, guilt, and grief that often comes with deciding not to have kids when there were other options available.

But it's not all doom and gloom. We'll also explore what life is like now that Lana's decision has been made to live child free. We'll discuss the challenges she still faces and how she's shaped her purpose in life without kids. It's a conversation that's sure to be thought-provoking and insightful. So grab a cup of coffee, pull up a chair, and let's dive into Lana's story together.

Do you ever feel like if you think about what would come next if THIS cycle fails you are jinxing yourself? Have you looked back on a failed cycle and thought “if only I believed that cycle would work” that it would have? I’m going to raise my hand and say I’ve totally felt that way.

Today on the show, I’m joined again by my friend and colleague Naomi Woolfson from Embrace Fertility. Today we are trying something new by just having a deeper conversation on the topic: thinking we are jinxing ourselves or our cycles when we open the doors to what might come next if this cycle fails.

In addition we open up about what happens when we feel like we are running out of options or are feeling like “it’s either this time or we are done” and how to navigate that.

We laugh, we get serious, we cuss, we open up about our own personal stories and struggles. This is a can’t miss episode!

To me, infertility = failure. Failed cycles, failed blood tests, failed pregnancy tests. But what if we switched our mindset from failure to possibility?? What would happen?

On the podcast today, I’m joined by Kristin Dillensynder, a certified mindset coach who helps high achieving women thrive while on the rollercoaster of infertility.

Kristin breaks down why your mindset matters, helps you redefine failure into thoughts that can help propel you forward all while navigating the ups and downs and the failures that come with an infertility journey.

You don’t know how long this period of time will last…how long it will take to have a baby. But you can cultivate a mindset of possibility so that you can keep moving forward in the midst of the hard.

You don’t have to jump when there are stairs.

It sounds so simple yet so often we are standing on the edge of a cliff and we think and believe our only option is to jump.

I made the mistake of jumping off the cliff of my fertility journey. But you don’t have to. Join me in this short episode where I share my cliff, share what I think the stairs look like and challenge you to find your own set of stairs.

When we were considering using donor eggs to build our family, one of the things that crossed my mind was how my kids, who wouldn't be genetically connected to me, would fit in our family.   This may have crossed your mind too.  Will they be accepting of our choice? Will they treat my child the same way they treat their family members who are genetically connected?

These are common concerns that many couples face, and that's why I invited my brother, Kenny Anderson, to share his experience as a non-genetic uncle to his donor-conceived nieces (my girls!) on my latest podcast episode.

This episode is the first time Kenny and I have talked about this topic together so you get the raw, real and vulnerable conversation as it is taking place.  And, walking away from this conversation I found that for him, being an uncle to my girls is an amazing gift, one that is not defined by the genetics that created them.  It is defined by the relationship he has built with them as people.

Lemons? The Mind? The Body? Infertility? What does it all mean?

On the episode today, Naomi Woolfson from Embrace Fertility joins me as we explore the surprising connections between our minds, our bodies, and our thoughts when it comes to making fertility decisions.  Spoiler alert - she uses an example with a lemon that will make you go "whoah! I totally get it!"

Our minds and bodies are deeply interconnected, and our thoughts and beliefs can have a huge impact on our fertility journey.  Naomi is a hypnotherapist and she breaks down what is the mind body connection and challenges you to examine the stories you tell yourself about your fertility and consider how they may be limiting your options and holding you back from reaching your goals.

Remember, you are not alone on this journey, and there is always hope. Let's take a step forward together and explore the power of our minds, bodies, and thoughts when it comes to making fertility decisions.

About Naomi Woolfson:

Naomi Woolfson, of Embrace Fertility, is a therapist specializing in supporting women through trying to conceive, fertility treatments and then pregnancy and birth following infertility. She and her partner went through almost 4 years of infertility, IUI’s, IVF, anxiety, surgery and a miscarriage before they went on to conceive both of their ginger children naturally.

On her podcast she offers emotional support and shares mind-body techniques to help you feel calm and confident and ultimately find yourself again while waiting for your baby. Search for Embrace Fertility on your favorite podcast player to listen.

Alongside supporting clients globally in one to one therapy and coaching sessions she offers hypnosis and meditation MP3s and runs a 12 week mind-body program guiding women through the 5 steps of her unique Embrace Fertility Method; Comfort, Coping, Connection, Clearing and finally Creating.

I didn't grow up dreaming of using a donor to have my children.

After our second failed IVF cycle, my doctor brought up the idea of using a donor and I was a hard no. I would NEVER use someone else’s genetics to create a child.

My whole world came crashing down when the doctor told me donor might be my only chance at being a parent and experiencing pregnancy.  On the episode today, I am diving deep into the beginning of my story and sharing with you three things I wish I had known and had access to right after that conversation with my doctor.  

Emily Derrick is a licensed marriage and family therapist who is also a six time egg donor and gestational carrier.  She has had personal experience with many aspects of third party reproduction, both personally and professionally.

During the episode, we talk about Emily’s experience becoming an egg donor, why she chose to be an egg donor, what the egg donor process was like for her, the outcomes of her donor cycles and her thoughts on connecting with the children that she is the biological mother of.

We dive into the importance of having accessibility to your donor going forward in the future for medical history, giving the kids the ability to get from their donor information, to know who they are and where they came from.

Emily and I also talk about her work as a therapist working with recipient parents and what you can expect during your psycho-social evaluation and we get into the meat of why it is SO important to unpack the feelings surrounding being a recipient parent and the personal emotional work it takes to get comfortable and excited about going down this path.

What the heck is a fertility coach and why should you invest in one? If you've ever asked this question or wondered this, today is the episode for you!  This is part 1 of a 2 part series.  Join me next week for Part 2! 

A fertility coach is a professional who specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate the challenges of infertility and reproductive health. They provide emotional support, guidance on medical options, and practical tools to increase the chances of conception. This episode explains the role of a fertility coach, the benefits of working with one, and real-life stories from those who have benefitted from this type of support. Whether you're just starting your journey to parenthood or have been struggling for a while, this podcast is for anyone looking to better understand the fertility journey and what options are available.

Did you know that your brain is wired to fill in the gaps when you don't know things? Did you also know that the fear of the unknown is known as the biggest fear of all? 

Infertility is full of unknowns.  Things we don't know.  Things we can't control.  And because our brains want to fill in the gaps we are wired to worry and spiral and try to fill in what is missing.  

On today's episode I talk about this and share with you my best advice for navigating the unknowns and what you can do to make it easier.  

I have a confession...sometimes I wonder if my exposure to toxins in my environment impacted my ability to get pregnant using my own eggs.  I will never know the answer to that question but it is something I've become more aware of over the last 10 years.  

We hear it all the time...contaminates in the air, water, food, skin care, make-up, etc are causing issues in our bodies.  It can get overwhelming.  And it can be hard to know what is real vs what is data being twisted to scare us into doing something or trying some new product. 

But I do think there is enough data now to show that certain chemicals can be harmful to our health both short and long term.  And I do think that being mindful of what we put in and on our bodies along with the environments we are in can make a difference when it comes to our reproductive health.  

Today's episode is about those different toxins, my own experience, and some suggestions you can try if you are interested in reducing your exposure to environmental toxins. 

Products I Recommend 

(note, I may receive a commission from a purchase you make using this link or my code). 

Failed IVF cycle after failed IVF cycle is the absolute worst for so many reasons.  For me, it was because I thought IVF with my own eggs was going to work, no questions asked.  The reality is that IVF doesn't always work and in fact, only works about 45% of the time for people under the age of 35.  

On the podcast today I'm talking about 5 reasons why your IVF cycles with your own gametes (egg and/or sperm) and what these reasons mean to you and your infertility journey.  

Do you feel like your partner shuts down as soon as you try to talk about your struggles with infertility? Or maybe you are the one feeling like you just can't talk to your partner about your struggles because it's too hard.  

Friend, you are not alone. 

Infertility can cause a huge wedge between you and your partner.  The good news is that it doesn't have to stay that way.  In fact, going through the challenges and struggles of having a baby can actually bring you closer together. 

In this episode of the podcast I'm sharing with you why I believe we tend to move away from one another and I'm giving you some easy tips to put into action today that will help you and your partner turn toward each other instead of away. 

Making decisions can be difficult and can often leave us feeling overwhelmed. The advice out there is to take your problem and break it into smaller parts. Then take time to consider the different options. Sometimes people recommend pros and cons lists, checking in with yourself, getting advice from others who have gone through a similar experience. All this is great advice but there is something you have to do first. Because if you don't do this one thing first...all the lists, checking in, etc will get you no where.

On the podcast today we are talking about why you are struggling with making a decision and what steps you can take to start feeling confident in the decisions you are making. 

Resources from the Episode: 

Choosing to use an egg donor is a big decision. Once you've made that one though...another big decision comes and it is around what kind of donor to choose.

I hear it all the time from my clients and from people I connect with on Instagram.  I also felt the exact same way: all the options are overwhelming and it is hard to know what the best choice is.

As future parents we are constantly thinking about what is best for our future children.

Weighing their needs vs. our needs and our ability to access the best possible solution.

On today's episode, I'm diving deeper into the types of egg donor you can choose from, the pros and cons of each option, and the things you need to know going forward regardless of what option you choose.

I recently did a poll on my instagram and I wanted to share the results with you.  I've personally been feeling tired.  Burnt out.  And I asked if others were feeling the same thing.  I got an overwhelming response of YES! You are feeling burnt out just like me. 

It got me thinking...when we are feeling tired, burned out, or are forced to take a pause on our fertility journey it can feel so frustrating.  It can make us feel stuck when really what we have is an opportunity. 

On today's episode I'm sharing 10 tips to help you keep moving forward when you feel stuck.  This episode is great for anyone who is forced to take a break (a canceled cycle, a clinic closure for maintenance, etc.) or anyone who is just generally feeling tired and not sure how to move forward.  

Hayley is an amazing human who is not only donor conceived but is also a mom to donor conceived twins.  In today's episode, Hayley and I talk about her story of learning she was donor conceived, how her own experiences have shaped the way her and her wife approach parenting their children, and our shared thoughts on how, as recipient parents, we have to do our own work in navigating our feelings around using a donor.   

This episode is packed with personal stories, shared experiences, lots of great tips and tricks and a little fun along the way.  

About Hayley Darknell-King

Hayley Darknell-King (she/her) currently lives in the UK with her wife. They've been together for over 12 years and have two beautiful children via donor sperm IVF. Her wife carried and they used her wife's eggs. In a twist of fate, Hayley is also a donor conceived person. Her parents used an anonymous (sperm) donor to have her as part of pioneering IVF treatment in the 1980s, however she didn’t find this out until much later in life. In 2019 she DNA tested herself and has located her biological father and 3 other donor siblings. It’s been something of a journey!

She recently started speaking openly about her story and taking part in some educational and advocacy work around donor conception. Her hope is to raise awareness and help others on their parenting journeys. 

This episode is part 2 of a two part series I recorded with my husband Michael.  If you haven't listened to part 1 yet, go back and listen to episode 11 first. 

In today's episode, Michael and I pivot our conversation to our perspectives on choosing our donor, working through our grief around donor conception, the way we communicate in decision making, Michael's thoughts on us using anonymous donor, and Michael's tips for other men going through this process.  

Infertility from the male perspective is not talked about nearly as much as it should be.  In part 1 of a 2 part series with my husband, Michael Getman, we talk about his perspective of our path to becoming parents. 

Michael talks about how he felt when we learned he had a low sperm count that would lead us to IUI, his thoughts on the infertility crossroad of going to IVF to how we navigated made decisions along the way.    

We even talk about our WTF appointment where we learned we were going to have to use donor eggs to build our family and a shocking realization comes out about his thought process vs. mine.  

This is an episode not to be missed! 

Michael Getman is an incredible partner and husband (mine!) and the genetic father to our donor egg conceived twin girls. He is also a scientist who spends his days working in the healthcare industry.  Michael has shared his story and perspective with my private clients as well as at multiple Resolve Midwest Family Building Summits. 

Giving thanks when it feels like you have nothing to be thankful for can be really hard.  

During the holidays, when we are "supposed to be thankful" can be especially challenging. 

For me, as a kid, the holidays were magical.  As I got older, they got harder and harder.  And during infertility they were the absolute worst.  The holidays marked another year of trying.  Another year with no baby.  Another year of watching others get their families and me still without mine. 

On today's episode I'm sharing with you the biggest thing I've learned about how to be thankful and give thanks when it feels like there is nothing to be thankful for.  I'll give you a hint...it's not that hard and you can start doing it today. 

Resources from today's episode:

Infertility can be incredibly challenging on your relationships - especially your relationship with your partner.  Today I'm sharing six tips for building better connection with your partner during infertility. 

Infertility is typically one of the first really hard things couples go through.  Up until now, it's probably been really good! And now, not only are you struggling to build a family but both of you are experiencing the challenges at the same time. 

You and your partner are going through your own struggles.  You are each approaching it from different perspectives and bringing in your different histories to the conversation. It can be hard to support one another when you are both struggling but it's not impossible.  In fact, it is VERY possible - you just need to be intentional about how you work together as a team.  Today's episode gives you those tools you need to be intentional.  To be a team.  And to grow your relationship closer in the midst of a challenging time. 

Why has pregnancy and infant loss awareness month felt hard for me? Because I don't fit into what I perceived a loss had to be.

I didn't have a miscarriage.  I didn't have an infant loss.  And I feel incredibly grateful that is the case. 

But I did have loss along the way. 

I had 7 unsuccessful cycles of treatment for infertility.  I had 3 IVF cycles that all resulted in embryos being transferred and no baby. 

I felt and grieved what could have been for those embryos but didn't allow myself the freedom to truly grieve it as a loss. 

In the episode today I share my story and talk about how all of our losses whether they fit into what society tells us is loss or not can still impact us deeply.  And I honor all the losses that come along with this journey to becoming a parent. 

Episode Resources: 

We used an anonymous donor.  I'd do it differently if I could. This topic is a very personal one for me.  Because the choice we made to use an anonymous egg donor is one that I felt guilty about for a long time.  It's something that impacts my children in ways I never thought about.  

But I also think it is incredibly important to talk about it.  Talk about what I've learned since that decision was made.  Be open to having these hard conversations and be open to learning, growing, and exploring how we can continue to do better. 

If you used anonymous donor or if you are thinking about using anonymous donor, this episode is for you.  

During the episode I talk about my own decision making process, how I feel about it now, what I've learned, how we can support our kids going forward, plus some good resources and organizations to listen to and learn from Donor Conceived People.   

Resources discussed during the episode:

One of the hardest things for me when I was on my journey to becoming a parent was finding people who were in the same situation as I was.  I wanted so deeply to connect with others who understood what I was going through.

I found some infertility friends but when we decided to move onto donor eggs, finding people who understood the complexities of donor was even harder.

This episode features Melissa Nath, an orthopedic nurse coordinator, wife and dog mom, who started trying to conceive in her 40's.  I met Melissa when she joined my Donor Downlow program and she is incredible!  Even though the the path to becoming a parent hasn't gone the way she thought it would, she has continued to find hope and resources to help her along the way.  From navigating male factor infertility, the loss of her mother, and losing her own genetics, Melissa is resilient, strong, brave, passionate about helping others in the midst of her pain, and has a story I hope you can relate to.

Coming to terms with using a donor to build your family.  It's a BIG infertility crossroad and one that I think is really important to talk about. 

Maybe you are just hearing about using a donor as an option. 

Maybe you have known deep down that donor was going to be your path.

Maybe you even know that donor is your path because of a cancer diagnosis or other reason why you or your partner doesn't have the genetics to conceive.  

Regardless of why you are staring down the tunnel of donor conception, it can be scary.  It can be hard.  It can be incredibly lonely.

In today's episode I share my top 5 tips for coming to terms with using a donor so you can move forward in building your family in whatever way you decide. 

Today I wanted to talk about a topic that is near and dear to my own story - low AMH and donor eggs.  AMH, or anti-mullerian hormone is a hormone that is made in the reproductive tissues and can give you pieces of information about the puzzle that is your infertility story.  

I didn't know anything about AMH until I was well into my fertility journey.  On today's episode I talk about what is AMH, why it's important to know, what it means (and doesn't mean) and how it relates to possibly having to use donor eggs to build your family. 

I hear it all the time...I don't want to push away my friends and family but I don't want to share all the details of our infertility journey.  How do I keep things private but not push people away? 

Infertility can be incredibly isolating.  It can be hard, especially if we are wanting to keep things private and not share with everyone how much we are struggling to have a baby.  You might feel like you are pulling away from friends and family.  Being around them or in big groups of people can be really challenging because you are on the edge emotionally and not sure how you will react.  You want to be honest but you don't want to tell them everything.  

I felt this exact same way.  I was emotionally fragile yet I value my relationships with the people around me and I didn't want to push them away.  

On today's episode I share with you my top tips for being able to keep details about your fertility journey private while still maintaining your friendships and being able to attend family events.  

On this episode of Infertility Crossroads, I'm sharing with you five things I'd do differently if I had to start my fertility journey all over again.  

Do you ever wish you had the opportunity to look back and change what you did?  It could be anything in life - maybe you'd study harder at school.  Maybe it would be taking up the flute instead of the clarinet (that is one of mine!).  Hindsight is 20/20.  We don't know what we don't know.  And the only way to learn what we don't know is to listen to those who have gone before us.  

Looking back on my path to becoming a parent via infertility and ultimately using a donor, I wanted to share the four big things I've learned and what I'd do differently.  These four things will apply to anyone - whether you are just getting started, are in the thick of it, or are well on your way to becoming a parent.  My hope is that you can learn from my mistakes, make some different decisions to make this process just a bit easier and be reminded that you are not alone. 

In today's episode I'm kicking off this podcast sharing with you my story of being infertile and told donor eggs were my only option at the age of 31.  

I didn't believe I had infertility.  Even though we were trying to conceive, had formal diagnosis of low sperm count, low sperm motility, low AMH and diminished ovarian reserve and were seeing a reproductive endocrinologist.  I just couldn't wrap my head around it. 

Until the bomb of using a donor to conceive was dropped.  Not only did my whole world turn upside down but I finally came to the conclusion that I was infertile and I needed help. 

Come along with me as I talk through how I came to terms with using a donor, what it's like now, and why I am using my experience to help others along the way. 

Perhaps like me, you thought having a baby would be easy...yet here you are every day, week and month having to make big, scary, and radical decisions about what your future might look like.  I call it the Infertility Crossroads.  

Whether you are just getting started on your fertility journey, have been trying for years, or are headed down an alternative path you are welcome here.

Join me each week where I will walk along side you through all the infertility crossroads.