Playing With Fire

Have you been *working* on your relationships so hard you've lost the sense of joy and pleasure of it all?

Time for something new!

Megan is an expert in coming home to our innate capacity to relate to your Self & Other by engaging with the natural world & your body

Listen in as we bask in the joy of creating something new.

Non-monogamy comes in as many forms as there are people imagining outside the norm. Imagination is the tool we use to dream the dream forward to what's next. When you follow your imagination that way you gain a better understanding of yourself.

Relationships that focus on growth don't have to be non-monogamous, but non-monogamy creates tons of opportunities to make your unconscious *stuff* conscious. It will also likely challenge you to face your relational wounds and fears. This might sound like its not a ton of fun but in practice it isn't just the tough stuff that surfaces- it also reveals deep layers of joy and pleasure. Knowing that you are in a psychological relationship makes the waves of *stuff* meaningful so you can get into the juicy fun too!

How do you handle wigging out, feeling like a mess, or in technical terms getting dysregulated? Well, we rely on tools we learned from applied neurologist Elisabeth Kristof, and now you can hear about them directly from her! Learning how to work with your unique nervous system is like getting the cheat code to be more present in your life, have access to pleasure, and be more of who you want to be even when stuff gets tough.

Swinging, sex clubs, bdsm, lifestyle - if you're into stories about these things, this episode is for you. Ashley Weller from the What's Your Position podcast joins us to share her experiences with and perspectives on sex,

Relationships require so many different skills. Do you ever struggle to process an argument, or to identify what you really want and need?

Dedeker, Emily, and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory podcast and authors of the book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, talk with us about relationship tools that work for ALL relationship structures.

This is a must-listen whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just want to upgrade your communication skills for every area of your life!

Struggling with intimacy but you've already tried *everything*? Not sure what could possibly help? Surrogate partner therapy is amazing and we want you to know more about it! Brian Gibney, a Surrogate Partner Therapist talks with us about how he and other SPTs help people build trust and communication that allows them to experience physical touch with safety and connection.

Did you jump into the open waters and find the water kinda choppy? Totally normal, we're sharing:

-How the scientific method can help you do this all with less pain (really!)

-Why you are struggling with managing change

-What do you need to consider about starter boundaries for opening

There are a lot of changes to navigate, but you don't have to figure it all out by yourself. We're outlining how we recommend navigating the change, strategically avoiding pitfalls by taking a tested approach, and, bottom line, how to open up without burning things down. Or, if you're already scorched around the edges, let's talk about how to handle that too.

What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you.

Jung has this great quote “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” The shadow of love is power in Jung's estimation.

I look around the world and that sure seems true on a grand scale. And in our daily life, I think we *mean* to center love rather than power in our close relationships...but in reality, most of us struggle with power.

We struggle to accept that we want unnegotiated power (entitlement)

or

We struggle to accept that we want to experience a lack of power (martyrdom)

or

We struggle to accept that having power--even power we didn't ask for-- means having great responsibility (cue the Spiderman theme song)

But we aren't taught how to share power with our partners. How to be real about the shadow element that is ruling so much of our love life.

This isn't an episode about the grand scale- we are talking about how we made a mess of our loving home by ignoring the power dynamics at work under the surface and WHAT we each did to reverse the problem.

It's no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place.

Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a conscious, growth-oriented, and gentle love.

We transformed that messy, painful relationship by taking a page (several thousand pages, actually) from the world of kink.

Kinksters regularly talk about power exchange--we think everyone should.

Every single day Joli hears from people who don't recognize that unnegotiated power dynamics are creating suffering in their most cherished relationships.

Want an unconventionally happy life? You've got to start dealing with the power dynamics in your relationships.

In this episode, we're talking about how we:

Referenced in the episode:

If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?

Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.

Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that it is time to get conscious and practical about shadow work.

Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes.

What goes into our plans? We've got three categories and lots of examples of things that help us and have proven to help Joli's clients handle the big emotions of date nights, so dig in!

Bringing up non-monogamy can be a shock to your partner's system. But if you never bring it up, you'll never even know what's possible for you.

Here's how you can plan for success and make this potentially shocking conversation an opportunity to upgrade your relational skills. 

Resources from this episode:

Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self.

More connection is why so many of us practice non-monogamy, but it's not always clear how to actually make the community we long for. Listen as we provide both inspiration and practical advice on how to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community!

Is polyamory something innate in you, like an orientation? Is it a practice? A philosophy? A mindset? An identity? A choice? 

Being able to describe your approach to polyamory makes it easier to connect with others, build community, and choose partners from a place of enthusiastic, informed consent. 

It's our 100th episode of Playing with Fire!

This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli's first book... and here we are with 100 episodes in and feeling more excited about this shared project than we ever dreamed.

Every relationship benefits from a shared purpose (see episode 65), but so often, the shared project defaults to householding and/or kids. 

Proactively creating shared purpose beyond the banal is an option. For us, it's been a magnificent addition to our connection. Especially as our kids grow up and we face a (sort-of) empty nest during the college years- it was looking easier to turn to other relationships for creative, vulnerable fun. And then Playing with Fire was born.

This episode is highly personal and also designed to be inspirational. 

We did what we do whenever we are having a relationship retrospective: one part analysis (Ken's a scrum guy, of course), one part gratitude, and one part weird. I love adding the weird- why even bother being alive if not to be weird?

It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.

It's normal to want to individuate.

It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.

But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections? 

Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire. 

Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise!

Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love. 

Learn more at  www.JessicaFern.com 

Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems?  You're a lot.  You're intimidating.  You're an energizer bunny.  You're hyper-productive.  You must never rest.  You're just too much. 

Tell me, who are you comparing me to when you make this pronouncement? 

Ken sat down to talk out one of my core wounded parts, the girl who gets told she's intimidating in every way. It was good medicine for me, and I hope listening in offers the same to you. 

If you've been told you're too much, I hope I hear more from you. Get louder, dance more wildly, splash color everywhere... be you where I can see, please!

Does the thought of your partner being with someone else make you...hot as hell? 

You aren't alone. 

Though jealousy is often thought of as the LAST thing anyone would want in their life, that's not the only way it goes. In Joli's phenomenological research, 30% of participants reported sexual, juicy responses when they felt jealous.

Turning the standard jealousy narrative on its head is a delicious opportunity- and in this very personal episode, we're talking about how working with jealousy differently over the past two decades has led to some transformative and HOT times.

It really is possible to get off on the complex feeling of jealousy- come hear how we've been working with it to do just that.

Seeking open relationship bliss? 

Great. Us too. And all my clients. You're not alone.

Every week I hear from at least a few people who want to know if they should try to open right from the start or whether they need to solidify their couplehood first. Everyone seems to have a strong opinion, and I hear a ton of FEAR that if you get this *wrong*, you're relationship is going to be so.much.harder. This episode hits a lot of non-monogamy hot-buttons, so get ready to consider things from multiple angles!

Creating the relationship you really want begins with the ENVISIONING process. Plus, it's really easy to find yourself in relationships that don't fit right (but do feel familiar) unless you actively participate in the relationship envisioning process. 

This conversation is like being a fly on the wall of our relationship- Ken's sharing how he wound up in a marriage that was completely the opposite of what his soul truly longed for, and Joli's got some tips for how to get started in your own envisioning process.

I (Joli) love romantic friendships. Ones that have a deeply intimate quality and the capacity to have honest conversations about boundaries and relationship agreements. Ones that feel soft, warm, and connected. But romantic friendships scare some people- it makes sense because they are one way we can live  beyond the boxes of patriarchal convention. Developing romantic friendships takes intentionality and creativity... and it's totally worth it! There are two big takeaways at the end that will get you started breaking the norms and building the friendships you truly want!

This week we are sharing our most popular episode ever- this one is a not-to-miss!

Relationship agreements might sound dry but the process of co-creating relationship bliss is NOT dry in the least.  This episode is part explanation, part demonstration of how we review and negotiate the living document that is our relationship agreement. We found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address--No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours.

Relationships are where we seek security, so making changes can feel particularly scary or overwhelming.  Don't let this fear stop you from creating the custom-built relationship you really want!   This episode is all about how you can shift your experience of opening up from fearful to hopeful starting today.

"Why are you doing it like that?" 

Whether your criticism is about something as mundane as loading the dishwasher or as complex as managing new relationship energy, poorly timed, unsolicited criticism doesn't actually get us the connection we're longing for. 

Dr. Jessica Higgins joins us this week to offer clarity on what criticism is really telling us and what we can do to shift our feedback patterns. 

Want a more expansive, custom-designed life? You need to take some risks and make changes. BUT--before you go committing to permanent change, learn exactly how to use one of Joli's most-trusted tools for minimizing risk while making exciting changes in your relationships. 

Relationships get stronger and healthier when you talk about them with your partners. For that you're going to need shared language and meaning, Learning the jargon of relationship styles is so helpful! So, here's how we think about relationship labels---open relationship, kitchen table polyamory, relationship anarchy, and lots more.

Do you wish desire just magically ramped up without any effort? It certainly does sometimes, but most of the time desire flows better because we actively FUEL desire. This week we're talking about the things that block your access to desire and what to do about those blocks. 

Desire does not have to be elusive, so if you struggle here rest assured it is 100% normal to need to learn the skills of building desire in yourself and in your relationships.

Sure, it sounds fun, but is polyamory actually practical? And what if you have kids-- it's already tough to find time-- how can this work? What about STIs? Unplanned pregnancy? Or what if we find out we aren't a good fit anymore? When these big questions loom its helpful to hear from people who've been there, done, got the t-shirt.

If you're new to polyamory this interview is especially well-suited for you! 

Laura Boyle, the author of Ready for Polyamory joins us to talk about how this all really works. 

Conventional wisdom tells us marriage is all about compromise and we are not here for it. Honestly, conventional wisdom will, at best get you a conventional relationship... and if you are here you want way more than that kind of life. Let's talk about what compromise does to your individuation path, where compromise is appropriate, and how to choose an uncompromising intimacy with love and compassion.

"I want to feel less jealousy and more compersion- HELP!" There's no one in the world who can speak to this topic like Dr. Marie Thouin, so we were thrilled to have this conversation with her. Compersion is the feeling of joy for another's joy, and it's often seen as the opposite of jealousy. Every week I hear people wrestling with jealousy and trying to move toward compersion, but what is compersion beyond that short definition? What conditions help us feel compersion and what hinders compersion? Marie is bringing us answers directly from her research. If you love Joli's jealousy work- wait till you hear where the collaboration of jealousy researcher + compersion researcher takes us!

It's totally normal to be moody, triggered, and reactive but it takes a TOLL on your relationships if you don't know how to get back out of those states.

You perceive the world---and all your relationships---through your nervous system. Sensory information comes in and your brain interprets it. So it makes sense that learning how to regulate your nervous system is a key part of making your relationship feel safe and satisfying. 

This has all felt like a great idea for a long time but learning practical tools--and when exactly to use them--really changed everything. 

Do you experience jealousy as overwhelming, painful, or disruptive? How about envy? Yeah- most people agree, there's more pain than fun packed into these feelings. But, like other big emotions, jealousy and envy have are rich with gold you for your individuation journey. The trick is to begin seeing these green-eyed monsters for their archetypal content rather than as something to solve.

Jealousy and envy won't necessarily become your favorite emotional experiences, but they can absolutely become part of your personal growth process starting today. 

Joli's spent the past decade researching to bring you practical methods for working with jealousy & envy whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just figuring out what the right relationship style is for you.

Do you want to grow into the most authentic version of your Self that you can be? The good news is that you get to choose that, and all you need is within reach right now. Typically, individuation is seen as a solo activity, a deep inner journey that often comes with an image of the hermit. But we've found that relational individuation is another VERY fruitful option. This week we are talking about what steps you can take to engage fully in your journey whether your life partner/s is/are interested in psychological development or not.

Do you want to explore non-monogamy? Are you curious about how conscious relationships can take you to new levels of growth in your psychological individuation? In Playing With Fire, which grew out of the Project Relationship podcast, Joli and Ken co-host weekly intimate conversations from the inside of a non-monogamous, individuation-oriented marriage. We’re sharing tools and strategies for making your relationship into one that helps you feel seen, known, and supported as you become the most YOU version of you possible.

Are your relationships messy? That's more than OK - learning more about your particular relationship mess by learning about others can save you a lot of time and pain. So we talked with Kate Loree, LMFT, a sex-positive licensed marriage and family therapist with a specialty in non-monogamous, kink, LGBTQ, and sex worker communities. She's the author of Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships, and together she and Joli share their thoughts about their work and experiences with open relationships.

Visiting a pleasure-centered shop can be an inspiring and exciting experience for singles, couples, and moresomes. Beth Hankes from Earth and Salt shares how and why she decided to open her shop, and why it's so important for it to be an accessible, informative, supportive place.

Beth Hankes (she/her) is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt, and a sex education certificate student at the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. She has a BA in Art History and Studio Art from Mount Holyoke College, and a Masters in Museum Studies from Harvard Extension School.

After concurrent years of identifying self-repression, questioning her sexual desires, and health issues, she was inspired to open Earth and Salt. With Earth and Salt, her goals are to normalize sex and pleasure, provide vital sex education to all, and champion other business owners and sexuality professionals, especially those from historically marginalized groups.

Tired of *trying* to find the person you want? There's a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen their intimacy with Self and when you do, you'll find that others respond. Stop trying to be someone for someone else and BE YOU. 

Joli talks with the incomparable Allana Pratt about the pains and perils of trying to date without doing your personal work. 

BONUS: this episode opens up with a conversation between Joli & Ken. We are getting super vulnerable about what's going on for us right now and it's not all pretty. If you've ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes, you don't want to miss this episode!

Today's guest:

Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship. She has been chosen as an Icon of Influence, is a columnist on the GoodMenProject, and has been featured on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS, ABC & FOX, and more.

This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach with close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars.

While supporting a number of nonprofits, Allana has created a new category with an inclusive Partnering App & Intimacy Training app called HeartMates where members Become the One to Find the One… which Keeps the One! She also offers HeartMates for Couples, private and group coaching plus retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships.

Take the free B-Spot Quiz and discover what your hidden blindspot is!

Am I pure enough? Am I a good _______? Fill in the blank - what were you raised to be, how were you indoctrinated? Do you still agree with it? How do you wish you could move past it? 

Lauren Elise Barnes is a certified holistic s*x educator who spent a decade in the maternal health industry. She talks with us about creative monogamy, non-monogamy, and surviving purity culture.

How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work to mask those differences by trying to meld together, or by acting like someone you're not? Let's talk about how our experience of those differences can help us grow in ourselves and in our relationships

Want designer relationships? Want to show up as more of yourself and less of what others might expect, and help your partners do the same? Let's talk about some conversations, actions, and self-reflection that will help us get there. 

Going to a strip club is a great way to expand your erotic life but we have heard from tons of couples who feel a little nervous about it. Even if you've gone before, going as a couple might feel different. In this episode we talk with Elle Stanger, a s*x wrker (yes, we have to get creative with spellings around the internet these days) and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator about strip club etiquette, treating erotic labor as work, and how to be a decent person in relation with sex workers. 

This episode is a ~~ MUST LISTEN ~~ Whether you are chomping to hit the clubs or are just curious about how erotic labor can be made safer for everyone involved your ears are in for a treat.

Accountable and reliable- this is what you want from a life partner. But, life moves fast. What happens when you can't keep your word? Or when you change your mind about something that matters to your partner? 

One of the things about having a completely unscripted podcast is you get to hear us work through our process live- no edits. In this episode, we talk about what happens in our relationship when one of us says we'll do something and then life happens and things change. Joli had a moment when she kinda blew her own mind by realizing that accountability has a shadow side too.

The truth is we all have to prioritize and sometimes that means we won't be able to keep our word- let's talk about what can you do to make this wobbly part of love--the part where life gets messy-- actually work in your favor. 

Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? Led by a highly trained expert and her experienced partner? Listen to Episode 69 where we share some of our thoughts and experiences about opening relationships, and offer an exciting new opportunity to join a group coaching program designed to help you open your relationship the smart way.

Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and can't do based on your "kink" status. 

In this episode we talk about ways you can explore this question for yourself. And some of the things to think about along the way - practical, psychological, and relational.

How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects the way we view our relationships, and our partners.

How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve us. The more we know about our values and our partners' values, the easier it is to make effective explicit agreements, which is what this episode is about. We share experiences with our relationship agreements, and talk about some of the tools we use to help us craft them.

How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause trust troubles? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences building and rebuilding trust, and share some strategies for navigating trust issues.

Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still keep doing them? Well, that happens to us, and in this episode we talk about how those patterns show up and play out for us, and we share some strategies for interrupting those patterns.

How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves.

Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our lives. In this episode we talk about how we can do that, choosing to use our relationship as the workshop for becoming more ourselves.

Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, and how we can learn from that and bring ourselves more satisfaction.

What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction.

Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more about ourselves and our relationships.

What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexual relationships.

It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas about how we can stretch our imaginations to bring more of what we want into those relationships.

Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking with our kids over the years about our consensual non-monogamy, sharing the problems and the benefits of those conversations.

Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren't best? In this episode we're talking about the nature of adult friendships, about the skills of friendship, and we're asking a lot of questions.

The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable change, because change is the only guarantee we get in life. So, when change shows up, what do you do?  Do you resist and try to keep your marriage as it always has been or do you transition with grace? 

What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? How do we make sure consent is part of everything all the time? What should we do to normalize sharing STI information? What about exit strategies, safe words, logistics, ground rules? If everyone can safely pursue pleasure and we all take care of each other, we have the best chance of connecting to people and making happy, sexy memories.

No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we're talking about how to make sex better by sharing feedback about our sexual experiences.

Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relationships and leave us feeling totally worthless at times. But we can use some of the same tools we use for jealousy to notice it's there and help us through it to a better understanding of ourselves.

Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they like to receive gifts. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can be a useful model for helping us understand ourselves and each other, and the more we talk to each other and collaborate on designing the celebrations we want, the more likely we are to get them.

There are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we're talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep things hot, or make them even hotter. And how to decide when it's time to ask for help - from books, podcasts, and best of all humans.

Poly is not mono! Which might sound silly, but in this case we mean that polyamory is not monolithic. There are as many ways to have polyamorous relationships as there are people having them, and the differences between them are a lot of nuance. In this episode we talk with our guest, Leah Marshall, about the way she experiences her relationships, and how that's different from us.

How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it's time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge the things that have meaning for us- in other words, they are kindling for the fire of your relationships (romantic and otherwise). 

Cited in this episode:

Fiese, B.H. (2002) Family Routines and Rituals May Improve Family Relationships and Health, According to 50-Year Research Review. APA special edition Dec. 2002.

Every marriage, every relationship is different. In this episode we talk about Ken's first marriage, his experience of infertility, and what he wishes he'd done differently, and why.

Have you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that we are using ethical sources. We've included some links in these show notes to ethical porn sources as well as social media links for some great sex workers and sex educators who advocate for erotic freedom and provide high-quality education about sex and sex work.

A very porn-knowledgable sex educator to follow 

"Our relationships with others can only be as strong as our relationship with ourselves." That's just one insight we hear about in this episode during our talk with Melissa. We talk about how to tell the difference between internal and external boundaries, being in integrity, and grounding deeply in our body to help us know what our boundaries need to be. 

Have you ever done something and looked back and said "That's not like me!" How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? In this episode we talk about the Jungian concept of complexes, and how they can come up and run the show for a while.

For reference, here are couple of powerful quotes from Jung on his model of psychological complexes:

"Complexes interfere with the intentions of the will and disturb the conscious performance; they produce disturbances of memory and blockages in the flow of associations; they appear and disappear according to their own laws; they can temporarily obsess consciousness, or influence speech and action in an unconscious way. In a word, complexes behave like independent beings. from Jung, C. G., Psychological Factors in Human Behaviour, Collected Works vol 8, par. 253.

"Complexes are focal or nodal points of psychic life which we would not wish to do without; indeed, they should not be missing, for otherwise psychic activity would come to a fatal standstill."Jung, C.G., A Psychological Theory of Types, Collected Works. vol. 6, par. 925.

You may also enjoy reading 

Complex, Archetype, Symbol by Jolande Jacobi

The Individuation Principle by Murray Stein

It's really helpful to have specific tools to use when we find ourselves managing stress, or sadness, or grief, or any of the other feelings that come with being alive. In this episode we talk about developing methods of self-regulation that help us feel stable and self with ourselves, and then follow that up with looking at co-regulation and how we can help each other.

Cited in this episode:

Butler, E. & Randall, A. (2013) Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, vol. 5 no. 2 pp. 202-210.

"We propose an operational definition for coregulation as a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels between partners, which contributes to emotional stability for both partners."

Last episode we talked about setting up for success starting the first conversation on non-monogamy with your partner. In this episode, we talk about some of the practical details that you'll want to include in the conversation. Your relationships can be whatever you and your partner(s) design together, so let's get into some of the important components of a caring transitional conversation.

We've had so many questions about this! How do I bring up the idea of non-monogamy with my partner? What can I do to make it go well? Spend a little time with us talking about what we've learned through our experiences and Joli's years of research.

Jealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen and deepen our relationships. Joli shares exactly how she found herself studying jealousy every day for the past twelve years and the five-step process she uses to transform jealousy.

The shift from summer to fall is an easy time to let unexpressed expectations quickly escalate to resentment. Having an intentional conversation about how we share the work of a household is a critical step for keeping your expectations out in the open. Prioritizing love is easier when we regularly revisit how we do this LIFE thing together.

Want to feel like you're on vacation at home? In this episode we talk about some things you can do to bring that vacation feeling home, and specifically into the bedroom, anytime.

In the second part of a mini-series about shame, Joli shares some vulnerability as we go into her feelings about the rocky early years of our relationship, and the final years of our respective first marriages. That challenging time left its marks, and Joli talks about her experiences with couple’s privilege, secrecy (no surprise, since we’re still talking about shame), and how those experiences impact her now.

It’s uncommon to see inside another relationship, so listen in for a tiny glimpse into Joli and Ken’s as it is right now. Relationships change, and the people in them grow, and Joli talks about how she handles the shame and other feelings that come out of that time, in hopes that others might find some support and insight.

In the first of a mini-series about shame, we aren’t holding back! The feeling of shame has kept parts of Ken hidden from Joli for years even though we’ve been consciously working on it. This isn’t surprising because shame encourages secret-keeping.

Confidence has been masking shame in our home even with a careful eye towards it.

Shame has been showing up in unexpected spots and when it does we often feel disconnected right when we most want to feel seen and loved.

No holds barred in this episode, sexual shame has been hiding too long, so listen in if you’re someone who has ever struggled with shame or the secrets it might encourage. Ken brought his vulnerability right to the forefront this week, hoping to share a story that will help others.

Book mentioned in this episode: Dark Eros by Thomas Moore http://bit.ly/3ppVcns 

If you need some shame-work musical inspiration listen to Shame by The Avett Brothers

Sexual fantasies are exciting, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing them with their partner. This week we are talking about how we figured out what each of us needs in order to feel safe to share our fantasies. There is no right or wrong, but fantasy can wake up the beast of jealousy and its best friend shame. What do we do when that happens? How do we get past the junk and revel in sharing our sexiest fantasies?

We have spent years developing our ability to do exactly this and it is now one of the best parts of our life together. It all started with a few brave words and a lot of patience.

We also got into the nuances between privacy and secrecy jumping off from the work of Vienna Pharaon (Check them out on Insta @mindfulmft). 

If you’ve struggled with trying to speak your sexy with your partner, this episode can’t be missed!