No Longer Ashamed

This week in Illinois the states attorney general found that more than 450 Catholic clergy abused nearly 2,000 children since 1950

Revealing that the problem was far worse than had been reported by the Church

He also stated that those abusers "will never see justice in a legal sense" since the statute of limitations has expired for most of those cases

Where is the outrage?

The laws need to be changed for there to be justice and if there is going to be any deterrence for these crimes

We are continuing to revisit and edit our early episodes to clean up the way that they sound

These episodes were so important and they were also part of our "learning curve" so we now are fixing them up to make them sound better

We hope that the messages will carry impact for you whether you have heard them before, or if you are listening for the first time

This week we continue to revisit some of our early episodes to make some editing improvements to make them sound better

This has been one of our most popular episodes and we really feel that it is important

We like it so much that we decided to go back and clean it up and make it sound better

In this episode Kevin discusses how he has been recognizing that the feeling of loss that used to haunt him is mostly gone

The loss didn't go away but the pain from the loss no longer paralyzes him

What took that pain away and what has replaced it is the topic of our episode

Also the reasons that he used to use his coping methods to further add to the pain in his life and why

This is another one of our early episodes that we feel was very important but could use a little tweaking to make it sound better

This is an important episode for survivors and also the family and friends of survivors to help them understand how they can help someone who is a survivor

Even if you listened to this one before we think it is a good one to revisit

In this episode we discuss how important it can be to be patient with the process and with yourself

There really are no shortcuts

There are a lot of steps you can take that will help you to get to the place of healing and can help you address your immediate issues

There are medications you can take if you are struggling with depression or PTSD and other treatments that help with the symptoms that you have

But in order to address what happened to us and the fallout that it has caused in our lives it takes time and work

This is important work and it is worth it to stick it out - you are worth it!

It is easy to get impatient with the process especially when it feels like nothing is getting better

Don't give up, it does get better and it will get easier as long as you keep going

So after doing this for over 2 years we have learned a lot and now we are returning to some of our earlier episodes and re editing them to clean them up

We feel that these episodes are so important but they could use a little cleaning up to make them sound better

So here is our first episode again but this time we hope that it sounds better

Pastor David Peterson grew up with Essential Tremors, a neurological disorder that caused his arms and hands to tremor uncontrollably

Needless to say he was bullied relentlessly, and than at 12 he was targeted by a neighborhood pedophile who abused him

As a young man he was not in a good place, for years he was angry, not just with others but also with God

Then forgiveness transformed him

With his book "Journey to Forgiveness; 21 Milestones to Freedom" his hope is to continue to redeem those traumatic years

and lead others to the freedom, joy and wholeness he has come to find on the other side of anger

https://davidpetersonbooks.com/

Rick Carlson is the founder of Comeback Coaching

He is also a Pastor, a Husband Material coach and Life coach

In this episode he shares about the struggles he has had with trauma from even before he was born

Throughout his life he struggled with being different and feeling unloved

This lead to drug and alcohol addictions and isolation

Until God changed his life

Now he has found his purpose and is helping others to overcome their struggles with addictions 

Sharing your story is so important for your healing, keeping it a secret can hold you back from getting the help you need

But is there a right time and a wrong time to share?

It can be inappropriate and distressful to others if you "trauma dump" on them just for attention

It's not healthy to use your trauma to cause others who are innocent distress

That is why it is so important to find the safe people to share with and the appropriate time and setting

You have to "read the room" to recognize when to share

What are the dangers of repressed memories?

Unresolved trauma can affect us without our awareness and cause us to act unreasonably 

This can be difficult for our family and relations especially if we don't take the time to understand where our feelings are coming from

It is possible to address our issues and emotions even if we can't remember everything that happened to us

As long as we are willing to examine where they are coming from and learn from it

In this panel we are discussing grooming with our friends Mike Chapman and Daniel Eichelberger

Grooming is frequently used by abusers to gain the trust of prospective victim and manipulate them 

It's not always the victim that is being groomed but often the family members or caregivers are groomed in order to gain access to the victim

This behavior is becoming more common online where strangers could access your children without your knowledge

It is important to realize that these perpetrators are very skilled in this behavior,  they have to be in order to avoid being caught, and they know how to seem innocent and charming

If you were a victim of grooming it is important to realize that it was not your fault even if at first you were attracted to this person because they filled a need in your life

You did not deserve what they did to you and they knew what they were doing was wrong

Why is personal growth so important to survivors?

Many of us were taught to have low self esteem by our perpetrators, blamed for what they did to us 

and told that we could never do anything right that we were the problem

It is through personal growth that we can prove to ourselves that we can do things well, that we can have a purpose

It takes small steps but those lead to bigger things that give us the confidence to do more

The Language we use when we describe what happened to us and when we talk about ourselves, is very important

We can be using language that is destructive to our healing without being aware of it

That is why it is so important to pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves and to others and learn from that on how we want to change our voice

In this episode we interview Daniel Eichelberger who is the author of the blog "These Ashes, Reflections of hope in the aftermath of male childhood sexual abuse"

He tells of his remarkable journey to healing from years of being abused as a child and the reason he is sharing his stories now on his blog

In this episode we discus toxic masculinity with Mike Chapman and Nathan Spiteri

How it affects us and why as survivors are we susceptible to its affects

We are inundated with displays of toxic masculinity in all of the media, TV, Movies, video games all display unhealthy masculinity

What are the affects of this on our lives and the ones that we care about and how do we counter this?

The pain from being abused doesn't just go away, but what happens to it?

It evolves to become more manageable as you explore your pain

You have to go through the stages of pain as you uncover the feelings that the pain brings up

This takes being vulnerable to expressing the hurt from the pain

As survivors we often don't realize that our abuse doesn't just affect ourselves

Especially if we don't address our issues and just try to hide what happened to us

There are many ways that the abuse has affects in our relationships that we might not even be aware of

It can hold us back from having healthy relationships with those that we care the most about

In this panel we talk about shame, both healthy shame and toxic shame

Former guests Tracy, Stephanie and Ashleigh are joined with a newcomer to the show Kevin's wife Charnell 

They all weigh in on how shame affects our lives and how to handle shame effectively

Stephanie is a wife, mother, grandmother and recently is letting go of her caretaker rolls in her family

She runs a community closet for people who need a hand up!

She shares her story of childhood abuse, how it has affected her and how she has come to terms with it

Kendrick contacted us after finding our podcast and was interested in doing an interview

He was abused as a child and went through some difficult periods in his life 

He also had some healing times in his life where he felt he was handling his issues with the

trauma but when his son turned about the same age as he was when he was abused he was

triggered and realized that he still had work to do

During this process he has found some people that he could feel safe sharing his story with and through

them he realized how important it is to have someone that you can feel safe talking about this with and 

that has inspired him to want to help others to have a safe place to share

Alan contacted us on the Male Survivor website and offered his encouragement for our work

After corresponding with him and hearing more of his story we asked if he would like to do an interview and he agreed

He has struggled with SSA for years without understanding why

Then a few years ago after hearing a post from a pastor that reminded him of a memory that he had repressed about being abused

He started searching for help with understanding his issues which led him to the Male Survivor website and then our podcast

We first interviewed Dan about a year ago and then he joined us on our PTSD panel just recently

During that panel he shared about how much had changed for him since we originally interviewed him

So we thought it would be great to have him on to do a follow up interview to hear about what has been happening with him

And it turns out that there has been a lot that he is very exited about and was happy to share with us

One of the hardest questions survivors ask is if there is a God why does He let abuse happen?

Was it a part of his plan? Or was I being punished for something?

None of us truly know Gods plan but if we are given free will than the only one to blame for our abuse 

should be the perpetrator

We are never at fault for the abuse that happened to us and blaming anyone besides the perpetrator does not help our healing

For this panel we are joined with our previous guests Mike, Luke, Dr. Doug Carpenter and Dan, to discuss PTSD

We reflect on what PTSD is and how it affects our lives and what helps in treating our PTSD

We also discuss whether it should be called PTSD or if it would be more accurate and helpful to call it PTSI

Since it seems more accurate to identify it as an injury rather than a disorder

Kevin Brigs join us to talk about his Stellate Ganglion Block  procedure. Dr. Springer has worked with Veterans with PTSD walking them  through the SGB procedure. SGB is an injection of a local anesthetic  into the stellate ganglion, a nerve bundle in the neck connected to the  fight or flight system, to help people feel calm again in their own  bodies. Kevin is a retired California State Patrol who's beat was the  Golden Gate Bridge, saving over 200 people from jumping to their deaths.  Looking for some relief from his trauma he turned to the Stella Center  and Dr. Springer. Video of procedure  https://share.icloud.com/photos/0360b-50ZgGMKR2XSL8TKLUzg  https://stellacenter.com/ Here is the website for Dr. Shauna Springer's  podcast - The Story Of Our Trauma: https://www.thestoryofourtrauma.com/

Donna is a wife, mother, coach, leader and excellent friend

She is the wife of Andy N. who we interviewed in an earlier episode

We are so grateful that she is willing to share the story of her abuse and the journey she is walking in recovery

We know that recovery is a process and it seems that the first step is telling your story

So we hope that this will encourage you to share your story with somebody who is safe

In this episode we interview Douglas W. Carpenter Psy.D. about his new book 

"Secret Shame: A Survivors Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development"

He reveals to us some of the insight that he has researched from studying sexual abuse in male survivors

and from being a survivor

It's been just over a year since we first interviewed Mike on our podcast so we thought 

we would do a follow up with him to catch up on how he has been

Well he has been very busy having been doing a lot of exciting new things and finding out that 

sharing his story has been helping many people

and now he has found new ways to help others  

Gino contacted us after finding out about our podcast on the Male Survivor website

He has posted his story on youtube and after listening to our podcast offered to do an interview

He was abused at a young age and it continued for years but he did not understand that it was abuse

until he was an adult and he read another mans story of abuse online

That is when his journey of healing began and he has since started sharing his story 

in the hope that it will help others to find inspiration and healing

Andy is the father of 4 and has worked as a janitor at a school until recently when he and his wife moved from Washington to Florida

Andy is a musician and his band has a cd called "Brothers in Arms, Give Him the Glory"

He has survived childhood sexual abuse and he shares how he has come to terms with it

Tom is a business owner, entrepreneur, and part time pastor

He loves mission work and is passionate about helping people!

He shares his story of healing from childhood abuse and forgiveness

Linnea is a youth Pastor who was abused by a relative beginning when she was one

She shares about her healing journey with God and how He has helped her 

to overcome her issues from the abuse and to confront her abuser

Which has made it possible for her to be an amazing youth Pastor

Emotions are so important, they are information

What happens when you lose control of your emotion like anger

Then you get rage and that is not healthy

It is so important to feel and express your emotions but it is also important to realize when you are losing control

What are red flags and how do you know when you should do something about them

As survivors sometimes we are more aware of red flags because we know the signs

What is our role if we see something that makes us uncomfortable

It's one thing to share your story but disclosure is an even bigger step

Do you need to share your story with your family? 

Or is it necessary to disclose your story with the police to try to stop your perpetrator from harming anyone else?

These are important steps but you need to be prepared for what the fallout may happen if you take them

Also it is important to understand your motives for taking these steps

If your motive is to achieve closure than you might be disappointed to try and achieve closure from someone else

Real closure comes from yourself and the steps that you take to get healing

What is Coercive control and why it is so important to be aware of it

As survivors we can be more prone to unhealthy relationships as a result of the lessons that we were taught 

Especially if we don't go through the healing process

That is why we need to be aware of the signs of coercive control and how to safely get help if we are in a relationship with 

someone who is controlling us

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship there is a National Domestic Violence Hotline that you can call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)

TTY 1-800-787-3224 for free confidential 24/7 help

Well it's been a year and for this episode we took a look back at what we have learned while doing this

This is not a new subject for us, we have both been through the process of healing for a long time and that is

why we started this podcast to share with others what the process is like and why it is so important

So it was a bit surprising for us how much we have learned by doing this podcast and revisiting these issues

from a fresh perspective from other survivors that we interviewed

With this episode we are trying a new series where we are having panel discussions with some of the survivors that we have interviewed

in our previous episodes

In this episode we are discussing Shame and how it affects male survivors 

Our guest panelists are Mike and Luke who we interviewed in previous episodes and they have since become friends on our Facebook page

***warning this episode contains some graphic audio which may be a trigger so please take care of yourself if you listen

Join us as we talk with Ashleigh about her childhood sexual abuse and how it continued to affect her until she was able 

to call it what it was "abuse" and how she was able to then get some help and healing

Chef Andy shares with us his childhood sexual abuse at the hand of a Priest

That led to addiction and other issues

He talks about God's healing power and what it means to let go and forgive

It is so hard to be vulnerable especially for men

But vulnerability is key to our healing and in reality it takes great strength and courage to be vulnerable

By being vulnerable we allow ourselves to open up to the feelings that we are so afraid of

We have to access those feelings to get through them and find out that we don't have to be controlled by them

By being vulnerable we become stronger and more self assured and we learn that we don't have to be afraid of our feelings

Your story matters!

Your story is important not only to yourself but for others who are afraid to tell their stories and need to realize that they are not alone

It is important to be your own advocate and stand up for yourself! 

Tell your story to someone you trust and keep telling it so that those who need to hear it will have the courage to come forward with their stories

Find the help that you need to get healing because you deserve to heal and have hope and you will be an inspiration to those that come after you

We are in this together and together we can cause change to make it easier for those that need our help

Jamie has been in recovery from addictions for years.

First from drugs, then from alcohol and cigarettes.

Then she discovered the core of her addictions was another not very talked about addiction, especially for women.

Luke found our podcast and decided to reach out to us after listening to some of the episodes

He shared his story with us and we invited him to do an interview because we feel his story will resonate with some of you

There is so much misunderstanding when it comes to childhood sexual abuse including the fear of sharing your story because you will be judged

Part of Lukes story is how he is overcoming that fear of sharing and now he is writing a book because he wants to share his story to help others who are struggling with abuse

If you are experiencing feelings of suicide or you know someone who is there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that is available 24/7

to provide free, confidential emotional support to people in suicidal or emotional distress. Their number is 1-800-273-8255

It took an episode of Law and Order for Avremi Zippel to realize what happened to him as a child was abuse

It took a counselor to believe his story and encourage him to report the nanny who abused him for a decade

Now he is free! and he is an advocate for survivors to change the laws and legislation around childhood sexual abuse

Dan suffered childhood sexual abuse and paid doubly for it. He shares  his story about learning to share his story and the freedom that has  come from that. It took awhile to get to the "telling" his story  conclusion but I think many struggle with the same thing, "I'm not  telling", it makes us sick and takes a toll when we hold these things in

Pastor Yvonne shares her story of restoration from childhood sexual abuse.

When she first came to Jesus and began to remember her abuse she thought it was satan and rebuked the devil.

God showed her that He wanted to heal her but first she had to accept that this is a memory and not the enemy

Tracy shares her story of childhood sexual abuse from a brother who was also sexually abused

The story includes abandonment, misunderstanding and her journey toward healing

Why are we so much harder on ourselves than anyone else?

We hold ourselves to such a high standard that it's hard to ever give us a break

We give others so much more grace than we allow ourselves we are our own worst critics

This is so unhealthy when we are trying to heal we need to be nice to ourselves so we can have grace for others

Some people call them walls and some call them masks

However we choose to call them the important thing is why do we hide behind them

And how do we take them down to show the person hiding behind them

Healing comes in phases, the first step is recognizing the abuse, which may happen in your adult years.

What we may see as normal growing up looks very different outside of the family.

The abuser works hard to normalize bad behavior. Nicole shares her story of what it was like healing from childhood abuse

We build emotional walls when we are young to protect ourselves 

But when we get older and start healing those walls trap us inside

How do we recognize those walls we have built so we can start tearing them down brick by brick?

Sorrow can be overwhelming and it can also be healing

Going through sorrow can help you realize that you are worth taking care of yourself you do matter

The grieving process is so important for survivors to get through so they can have access to the full range of their feelings

Feelings can be hard to handle especially when we have been taught that our feelings are bad or wrong

Feelings are neither bad or wrong they are just how we react to happens to us

If we don't allow ourselves to have feelings than we will never process what happened to us and get past it

The Holidays can be stressful for everyone especially for survivors who suffered abuse from family members

This year everything has changed about the holidays maybe this is a good year to start new healthy traditions

We all hear about triggers but do we recognize our own triggers?

How do we know when we are being triggered and how do we deal with them?

There is usually fallout from breaking the silence 

What's the fallout like and how do you address it?

It's so important to break the silence but not always easy because of fallout 

Why we keep it a secret 

and why its so important not to keep the secret

Who is that kid you left behind

How do you connect to them so they feel found and protected

Restoration is so important when you are going through the process of recovering from abuse

What do you do to restore yourself in a healthy positive way

Why is it so important to have a time of restoration

What are the issues others believe about survivors and how does that affect us

Why do we do this

Why go through this process

It is Hope. What we are all looking for is Hope

Why is it so hard to talk about what happened to us?

It is shame: the hidden enemy

We need to be no longer ashamed of who we are as survivors

What do you say when someone has shared with you their story of being a survivor?

Tips about letting them know that you care about what happens to them

The who what and why of sharing your story

Who is it safe to share with 

What to expect when you share

Why it is so important to share

Letting Survivors know they are not alone, the journey to recovery is worth taking.

You are worth it! You deserve to get the help you need, it is available and waiting for you to take it.

It begins when you tell your story. We get what it is like to be stuck in the quicksand of isolation. We have found hope and we are reaching out 

to give you a hand up, which is what you will do with the next person that is stuck.