No Longer Ashamed
By Kevin Bolger and Laurie Hardie
No Longer Ashamed Aug 07, 2020
Episode 66 Where is the outrage?
This week in Illinois the states attorney general found that more than 450 Catholic clergy abused nearly 2,000 children since 1950
Revealing that the problem was far worse than had been reported by the Church
He also stated that those abusers "will never see justice in a legal sense" since the statute of limitations has expired for most of those cases
Where is the outrage?
The laws need to be changed for there to be justice and if there is going to be any deterrence for these crimes
Episode 5 Stigma revisited
We are continuing to revisit and edit our early episodes to clean up the way that they sound
These episodes were so important and they were also part of our "learning curve" so we now are fixing them up to make them sound better
We hope that the messages will carry impact for you whether you have heard them before, or if you are listening for the first time
Episode 50 our interview with author Nathan Spiteri Revisited
It has been just under a year since we first posted our interview with Nathan Spiteri after he published his memoir "Toy Cars: One man's journey from trauma to triumph"
Since then he has done a Ted Talk of his own and there are more projects related to his Ted talk and his memoir being worked on.
In the spirit of encouraging all of you to check out his impactful Ted talk and memoir we are re posting our interview with him along with links to the Ted talk and the memoir with the hopes that you will be encouraged to join him on this mission to change how the world views male sexual abuse
Episode 3 Shame the hidden enemy Revisited
This week we continue to revisit some of our early episodes to make some editing improvements to make them sound better
This has been one of our most popular episodes and we really feel that it is important
We like it so much that we decided to go back and clean it up and make it sound better
Episode 65 Where is the loss?
In this episode Kevin discusses how he has been recognizing that the feeling of loss that used to haunt him is mostly gone
The loss didn't go away but the pain from the loss no longer paralyzes him
What took that pain away and what has replaced it is the topic of our episode
Also the reasons that he used to use his coping methods to further add to the pain in his life and why
Episode 2 What do I say? Revisited
This is another one of our early episodes that we feel was very important but could use a little tweaking to make it sound better
This is an important episode for survivors and also the family and friends of survivors to help them understand how they can help someone who is a survivor
Even if you listened to this one before we think it is a good one to revisit
Episode 64 Take your time
In this episode we discuss how important it can be to be patient with the process and with yourself
There really are no shortcuts
There are a lot of steps you can take that will help you to get to the place of healing and can help you address your immediate issues
There are medications you can take if you are struggling with depression or PTSD and other treatments that help with the symptoms that you have
But in order to address what happened to us and the fallout that it has caused in our lives it takes time and work
This is important work and it is worth it to stick it out - you are worth it!
It is easy to get impatient with the process especially when it feels like nothing is getting better
Don't give up, it does get better and it will get easier as long as you keep going
Episode 1 Sharing -Revisited
So after doing this for over 2 years we have learned a lot and now we are returning to some of our earlier episodes and re editing them to clean them up
We feel that these episodes are so important but they could use a little cleaning up to make them sound better
So here is our first episode again but this time we hope that it sounds better
Episode 63 Our interview with Pastor David Peterson
Pastor David Peterson grew up with Essential Tremors, a neurological disorder that caused his arms and hands to tremor uncontrollably
Needless to say he was bullied relentlessly, and than at 12 he was targeted by a neighborhood pedophile who abused him
As a young man he was not in a good place, for years he was angry, not just with others but also with God
Then forgiveness transformed him
With his book "Journey to Forgiveness; 21 Milestones to Freedom" his hope is to continue to redeem those traumatic years
and lead others to the freedom, joy and wholeness he has come to find on the other side of anger
Episode 62 Our interview with Rick Carlson
Rick Carlson is the founder of Comeback Coaching
He is also a Pastor, a Husband Material coach and Life coach
In this episode he shares about the struggles he has had with trauma from even before he was born
Throughout his life he struggled with being different and feeling unloved
This lead to drug and alcohol addictions and isolation
Until God changed his life
Now he has found his purpose and is helping others to overcome their struggles with addictions
Episode 61 When is the right time to share?
Sharing your story is so important for your healing, keeping it a secret can hold you back from getting the help you need
But is there a right time and a wrong time to share?
It can be inappropriate and distressful to others if you "trauma dump" on them just for attention
It's not healthy to use your trauma to cause others who are innocent distress
That is why it is so important to find the safe people to share with and the appropriate time and setting
You have to "read the room" to recognize when to share
Episode 60 Unresolved Trauma
What are the dangers of repressed memories?
Unresolved trauma can affect us without our awareness and cause us to act unreasonably
This can be difficult for our family and relations especially if we don't take the time to understand where our feelings are coming from
It is possible to address our issues and emotions even if we can't remember everything that happened to us
As long as we are willing to examine where they are coming from and learn from it
Episode 59 Our panel on Grooming
In this panel we are discussing grooming with our friends Mike Chapman and Daniel Eichelberger
Grooming is frequently used by abusers to gain the trust of prospective victim and manipulate them
It's not always the victim that is being groomed but often the family members or caregivers are groomed in order to gain access to the victim
This behavior is becoming more common online where strangers could access your children without your knowledge
It is important to realize that these perpetrators are very skilled in this behavior, they have to be in order to avoid being caught, and they know how to seem innocent and charming
If you were a victim of grooming it is important to realize that it was not your fault even if at first you were attracted to this person because they filled a need in your life
You did not deserve what they did to you and they knew what they were doing was wrong
Episode 58 Our Interview with Julie
Julie was sex trafficked, she was not kidnapped, she was living in her own apartment and working as a preschool teacher in a nice neighborhood. She shares her story in a module of the ImOnWatch.org training. She shares with us that she was set up for this abuse and violence because of her childhood sexual abuse. Like many she didn't tell anyone. She shares her story in hopes you will share your story and get the help you need. She says there is freedom on the other side of the fear of sharing your story, but it isn't instant healing, it is a process. A process that is so worth it.
Episode 57 Personal Growth
Why is personal growth so important to survivors?
Many of us were taught to have low self esteem by our perpetrators, blamed for what they did to us
and told that we could never do anything right that we were the problem
It is through personal growth that we can prove to ourselves that we can do things well, that we can have a purpose
It takes small steps but those lead to bigger things that give us the confidence to do more
Episode 56 The Language we use
The Language we use when we describe what happened to us and when we talk about ourselves, is very important
We can be using language that is destructive to our healing without being aware of it
That is why it is so important to pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves and to others and learn from that on how we want to change our voice
Episode 55 Our interview with Daniel
In this episode we interview Daniel Eichelberger who is the author of the blog "These Ashes, Reflections of hope in the aftermath of male childhood sexual abuse"
He tells of his remarkable journey to healing from years of being abused as a child and the reason he is sharing his stories now on his blog
Episode 54 Toxic Masculinity panel
In this episode we discus toxic masculinity with Mike Chapman and Nathan Spiteri
How it affects us and why as survivors are we susceptible to its affects
We are inundated with displays of toxic masculinity in all of the media, TV, Movies, video games all display unhealthy masculinity
What are the affects of this on our lives and the ones that we care about and how do we counter this?
Episode 53 What Happens to the Pain?
The pain from being abused doesn't just go away, but what happens to it?
It evolves to become more manageable as you explore your pain
You have to go through the stages of pain as you uncover the feelings that the pain brings up
This takes being vulnerable to expressing the hurt from the pain
Episode 52 It's not just us
As survivors we often don't realize that our abuse doesn't just affect ourselves
Especially if we don't address our issues and just try to hide what happened to us
There are many ways that the abuse has affects in our relationships that we might not even be aware of
It can hold us back from having healthy relationships with those that we care the most about
episode 51 Our interview with Dr. Ron Ramsey
Dr. Ron Ramsey is the author of "Forty Days to Forgiveness; a Christians Field Guide to the Forgiveness Journey"
He draws on his experiences as an organization development consultant, his knowledge of the behavioral sciences,
and theological studies and his own unforgiveness challenges to lead readers on a forgiveness journey in this book
We talk with him about why he wrote this book and the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation and why unforgiveness
is so harmful
Episode 49 Our Women's Panel on Shame
In this panel we talk about shame, both healthy shame and toxic shame
Former guests Tracy, Stephanie and Ashleigh are joined with a newcomer to the show Kevin's wife Charnell
They all weigh in on how shame affects our lives and how to handle shame effectively
Episode 48 Our interview with Stephanie
Stephanie is a wife, mother, grandmother and recently is letting go of her caretaker rolls in her family
She runs a community closet for people who need a hand up!
She shares her story of childhood abuse, how it has affected her and how she has come to terms with it
Episode 47 Our interview with Kendrick
Kendrick contacted us after finding our podcast and was interested in doing an interview
He was abused as a child and went through some difficult periods in his life
He also had some healing times in his life where he felt he was handling his issues with the
trauma but when his son turned about the same age as he was when he was abused he was
triggered and realized that he still had work to do
During this process he has found some people that he could feel safe sharing his story with and through
them he realized how important it is to have someone that you can feel safe talking about this with and
that has inspired him to want to help others to have a safe place to share
Episode 46 Our interview with Alan
Alan contacted us on the Male Survivor website and offered his encouragement for our work
After corresponding with him and hearing more of his story we asked if he would like to do an interview and he agreed
He has struggled with SSA for years without understanding why
Then a few years ago after hearing a post from a pastor that reminded him of a memory that he had repressed about being abused
He started searching for help with understanding his issues which led him to the Male Survivor website and then our podcast
Episode 45 Our follow up interview with Dan
We first interviewed Dan about a year ago and then he joined us on our PTSD panel just recently
During that panel he shared about how much had changed for him since we originally interviewed him
So we thought it would be great to have him on to do a follow up interview to hear about what has been happening with him
And it turns out that there has been a lot that he is very exited about and was happy to share with us
Episode 44 Where was God?
One of the hardest questions survivors ask is if there is a God why does He let abuse happen?
Was it a part of his plan? Or was I being punished for something?
None of us truly know Gods plan but if we are given free will than the only one to blame for our abuse
should be the perpetrator
We are never at fault for the abuse that happened to us and blaming anyone besides the perpetrator does not help our healing
Episode 43 Our PTSD panel
For this panel we are joined with our previous guests Mike, Luke, Dr. Doug Carpenter and Dan, to discuss PTSD
We reflect on what PTSD is and how it affects our lives and what helps in treating our PTSD
We also discuss whether it should be called PTSD or if it would be more accurate and helpful to call it PTSI
Since it seems more accurate to identify it as an injury rather than a disorder
Episode 42 Our interview with Kevin B.
Kevin Brigs join us to talk about his Stellate Ganglion Block procedure. Dr. Springer has worked with Veterans with PTSD walking them through the SGB procedure. SGB is an injection of a local anesthetic into the stellate ganglion, a nerve bundle in the neck connected to the fight or flight system, to help people feel calm again in their own bodies. Kevin is a retired California State Patrol who's beat was the Golden Gate Bridge, saving over 200 people from jumping to their deaths. Looking for some relief from his trauma he turned to the Stella Center and Dr. Springer. Video of procedure https://share.icloud.com/photos/0360b-50ZgGMKR2XSL8TKLUzg https://stellacenter.com/ Here is the website for Dr. Shauna Springer's podcast - The Story Of Our Trauma: https://www.thestoryofourtrauma.com/
Episode 41 Our interview with Donna
Donna is a wife, mother, coach, leader and excellent friend
She is the wife of Andy N. who we interviewed in an earlier episode
We are so grateful that she is willing to share the story of her abuse and the journey she is walking in recovery
We know that recovery is a process and it seems that the first step is telling your story
So we hope that this will encourage you to share your story with somebody who is safe
Episode 40 Our interview with Douglas W. Carpenter Psy.D.
In this episode we interview Douglas W. Carpenter Psy.D. about his new book
"Secret Shame: A Survivors Guide to Understanding Male Sexual Abuse and Male Sexual Development"
He reveals to us some of the insight that he has researched from studying sexual abuse in male survivors
and from being a survivor
Episode 39 Our follow up interview with Mike
It's been just over a year since we first interviewed Mike on our podcast so we thought
we would do a follow up with him to catch up on how he has been
Well he has been very busy having been doing a lot of exciting new things and finding out that
sharing his story has been helping many people
and now he has found new ways to help others
Episode 38 Our interview with Gino
Gino contacted us after finding out about our podcast on the Male Survivor website
He has posted his story on youtube and after listening to our podcast offered to do an interview
He was abused at a young age and it continued for years but he did not understand that it was abuse
until he was an adult and he read another mans story of abuse online
That is when his journey of healing began and he has since started sharing his story
in the hope that it will help others to find inspiration and healing
Episode 37 our interview with Andy N.
Andy is the father of 4 and has worked as a janitor at a school until recently when he and his wife moved from Washington to Florida
Andy is a musician and his band has a cd called "Brothers in Arms, Give Him the Glory"
He has survived childhood sexual abuse and he shares how he has come to terms with it
Episode 36 Our interview with Tom
Tom is a business owner, entrepreneur, and part time pastor
He loves mission work and is passionate about helping people!
He shares his story of healing from childhood abuse and forgiveness
Episode 35 Our interview with Linnea
Linnea is a youth Pastor who was abused by a relative beginning when she was one
She shares about her healing journey with God and how He has helped her
to overcome her issues from the abuse and to confront her abuser
Which has made it possible for her to be an amazing youth Pastor
Episode 34 Rage
Emotions are so important, they are information
What happens when you lose control of your emotion like anger
Then you get rage and that is not healthy
It is so important to feel and express your emotions but it is also important to realize when you are losing control
Episode 33 Red Flags
What are red flags and how do you know when you should do something about them
As survivors sometimes we are more aware of red flags because we know the signs
What is our role if we see something that makes us uncomfortable
Episode 32 Disclosure and Closure
It's one thing to share your story but disclosure is an even bigger step
Do you need to share your story with your family?
Or is it necessary to disclose your story with the police to try to stop your perpetrator from harming anyone else?
These are important steps but you need to be prepared for what the fallout may happen if you take them
Also it is important to understand your motives for taking these steps
If your motive is to achieve closure than you might be disappointed to try and achieve closure from someone else
Real closure comes from yourself and the steps that you take to get healing
Episode 31 Coercive Control
What is Coercive control and why it is so important to be aware of it
As survivors we can be more prone to unhealthy relationships as a result of the lessons that we were taught
Especially if we don't go through the healing process
That is why we need to be aware of the signs of coercive control and how to safely get help if we are in a relationship with
someone who is controlling us
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship there is a National Domestic Violence Hotline that you can call 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
TTY 1-800-787-3224 for free confidential 24/7 help
Episode 30 What we've learned so far
Well it's been a year and for this episode we took a look back at what we have learned while doing this
This is not a new subject for us, we have both been through the process of healing for a long time and that is
why we started this podcast to share with others what the process is like and why it is so important
So it was a bit surprising for us how much we have learned by doing this podcast and revisiting these issues
from a fresh perspective from other survivors that we interviewed
Episode 29 Our Panel About Shame With Men
With this episode we are trying a new series where we are having panel discussions with some of the survivors that we have interviewed
in our previous episodes
In this episode we are discussing Shame and how it affects male survivors
Our guest panelists are Mike and Luke who we interviewed in previous episodes and they have since become friends on our Facebook page
Episode 28 Our interview with Ashleigh
***warning this episode contains some graphic audio which may be a trigger so please take care of yourself if you listen
Join us as we talk with Ashleigh about her childhood sexual abuse and how it continued to affect her until she was able
to call it what it was "abuse" and how she was able to then get some help and healing
Episode 27 Our interview with Andy
Chef Andy shares with us his childhood sexual abuse at the hand of a Priest
That led to addiction and other issues
He talks about God's healing power and what it means to let go and forgive
Episode 26 Vulnerability
It is so hard to be vulnerable especially for men
But vulnerability is key to our healing and in reality it takes great strength and courage to be vulnerable
By being vulnerable we allow ourselves to open up to the feelings that we are so afraid of
We have to access those feelings to get through them and find out that we don't have to be controlled by them
By being vulnerable we become stronger and more self assured and we learn that we don't have to be afraid of our feelings
Episode 25 Stand Up for Yourself
Your story matters!
Your story is important not only to yourself but for others who are afraid to tell their stories and need to realize that they are not alone
It is important to be your own advocate and stand up for yourself!
Tell your story to someone you trust and keep telling it so that those who need to hear it will have the courage to come forward with their stories
Find the help that you need to get healing because you deserve to heal and have hope and you will be an inspiration to those that come after you
We are in this together and together we can cause change to make it easier for those that need our help
Episode 24 Our interview with Jamie
Jamie has been in recovery from addictions for years.
First from drugs, then from alcohol and cigarettes.
Then she discovered the core of her addictions was another not very talked about addiction, especially for women.
Episode 23 Our interview with Luke
Luke found our podcast and decided to reach out to us after listening to some of the episodes
He shared his story with us and we invited him to do an interview because we feel his story will resonate with some of you
There is so much misunderstanding when it comes to childhood sexual abuse including the fear of sharing your story because you will be judged
Part of Lukes story is how he is overcoming that fear of sharing and now he is writing a book because he wants to share his story to help others who are struggling with abuse
If you are experiencing feelings of suicide or you know someone who is there is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that is available 24/7
to provide free, confidential emotional support to people in suicidal or emotional distress. Their number is 1-800-273-8255
Episode 22 Our interview with Rabbi Avremi Zippel
It took an episode of Law and Order for Avremi Zippel to realize what happened to him as a child was abuse
It took a counselor to believe his story and encourage him to report the nanny who abused him for a decade
Now he is free! and he is an advocate for survivors to change the laws and legislation around childhood sexual abuse
Episode 21 Our interview with Dan
Dan suffered childhood sexual abuse and paid doubly for it. He shares his story about learning to share his story and the freedom that has come from that. It took awhile to get to the "telling" his story conclusion but I think many struggle with the same thing, "I'm not telling", it makes us sick and takes a toll when we hold these things in
Episode 20 Our interview with Yvonne
Pastor Yvonne shares her story of restoration from childhood sexual abuse.
When she first came to Jesus and began to remember her abuse she thought it was satan and rebuked the devil.
God showed her that He wanted to heal her but first she had to accept that this is a memory and not the enemy
Episode 19 Our interview with Tracy
Tracy shares her story of childhood sexual abuse from a brother who was also sexually abused
The story includes abandonment, misunderstanding and her journey toward healing
Episode 18 Self Forgiveness
Why are we so much harder on ourselves than anyone else?
We hold ourselves to such a high standard that it's hard to ever give us a break
We give others so much more grace than we allow ourselves we are our own worst critics
This is so unhealthy when we are trying to heal we need to be nice to ourselves so we can have grace for others
Episode 17 Walls or Masks, take your pick
Some people call them walls and some call them masks
However we choose to call them the important thing is why do we hide behind them
And how do we take them down to show the person hiding behind them
Episode 16 Our interview with Hampton
This week our guest is Hampton Conway III, he has started a ministry called “Movement Ministries. Hampton was married for 14 years and the father of 10 children, when he realized he had to end the marriage, due to spousal abuse. He tried to talk with someone about it but the usual response was “are you going to take that?” He finally left and began the journey of getting custody of his 10 children, for their safety. It was a very challenging journey because dads are not favored in the court system or believed. People find it hard to believe men are abused. Thus, he created the ministry in order to help other men and women getting out of abusive relationships. If you know someone in this situation, please share this podcast. Thanks for listening.
Director at Movement Ministries
HEC3 Consulting, LLC
Instructional Technology Specialist at PG County Public Schools
Episode 15 Interview with Nicole
Healing comes in phases, the first step is recognizing the abuse, which may happen in your adult years.
What we may see as normal growing up looks very different outside of the family.
The abuser works hard to normalize bad behavior. Nicole shares her story of what it was like healing from childhood abuse
Episode 14 Walls
We build emotional walls when we are young to protect ourselves
But when we get older and start healing those walls trap us inside
How do we recognize those walls we have built so we can start tearing them down brick by brick?
Episode 13 Sorrow
Sorrow can be overwhelming and it can also be healing
Going through sorrow can help you realize that you are worth taking care of yourself you do matter
The grieving process is so important for survivors to get through so they can have access to the full range of their feelings
Episode 12 Feelings
Feelings can be hard to handle especially when we have been taught that our feelings are bad or wrong
Feelings are neither bad or wrong they are just how we react to happens to us
If we don't allow ourselves to have feelings than we will never process what happened to us and get past it
Bonus Episode The Holidays
The Holidays can be stressful for everyone especially for survivors who suffered abuse from family members
This year everything has changed about the holidays maybe this is a good year to start new healthy traditions
Episode 11 Triggers
We all hear about triggers but do we recognize our own triggers?
How do we know when we are being triggered and how do we deal with them?
Episode 10 Our interview with Mike Chapman
Mike Chapman is a sign language interpreter who shared with us his story of having repressed memories of CSA and how he pieced together what happened to him when he was a child
We talked with him about why he is sharing his story now and how that is helping him on his journey of healing
You can also hear Mike speak on the NAASCA "Stop Child Abuse Now" (SCAN) https://www.blogtalkradio.com/naasca/2020/11/26/stop-child-abuse-now-scan--2538
He also reads his poetry on "Survivors Stories Online"available on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/events/4561204087285160 Note this recording has not been archived yet and will be available soon
We are thankful for Mike to have the courage to share his healing journey with us and hope that it will inspire you
Episode 9 Fallout from Secrets
There is usually fallout from breaking the silence
What's the fallout like and how do you address it?
It's so important to break the silence but not always easy because of fallout
Episode 8 Secrecy
Why we keep it a secret
and why its so important not to keep the secret
Episode 7. The Lost Child
Who is that kid you left behind
How do you connect to them so they feel found and protected
Episode 6 Restoration
Restoration is so important when you are going through the process of recovering from abuse
What do you do to restore yourself in a healthy positive way
Why is it so important to have a time of restoration
Episode 5 Lets talk about Stigma
What are the issues others believe about survivors and how does that affect us
Episode 4 Hope
Why do we do this
Why go through this process
It is Hope. What we are all looking for is Hope
Episode 3 Shame the hidden enemy
Why is it so hard to talk about what happened to us?
It is shame: the hidden enemy
We need to be no longer ashamed of who we are as survivors
Episode 2 What do I say?
What do you say when someone has shared with you their story of being a survivor?
Tips about letting them know that you care about what happens to them
Episode 1 Sharing your story
The who what and why of sharing your story
Who is it safe to share with
What to expect when you share
Why it is so important to share
Introduction to No Longer Ashamed
Letting Survivors know they are not alone, the journey to recovery is worth taking.
You are worth it! You deserve to get the help you need, it is available and waiting for you to take it.
It begins when you tell your story. We get what it is like to be stuck in the quicksand of isolation. We have found hope and we are reaching out
to give you a hand up, which is what you will do with the next person that is stuck.