Kiss Your Franchise Goodbye

We're starting our trio of alt-holiday films with the talking pig classic, Babe. Why Brooke chose this movie. 1990s Provo Mormon prohibitions on PG13 movies, so... Babe! We didn't expect the social commentary! CHRISTMAS MEANS CARNAGE! Mrs. Farmer Hoggett is underwritten and the kids are annoying! Are the mice annoying? Be nice to retail workers during the holidays, people! Speaking of being dicks, the controversy between George Miller and credit for this movie. A very gentle film that feels Christmas-y even if it isn't all about Christmas.

Next up is KISS KISS BANG BANG.

There IS crying in baseball, especially for Rangers fans, and especially with this movie. It's Melissa's birthday movie! And Mark is back! The romanticism of minor league baseball. Welcome to Wrexham.

And finally, our trio of alt holiday movies!

Babe (1995)

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Spirited (2022) -- note: NOT Spirited Away, which we would love to do but is not a holiday movie and Miyazaki is just too much.

It's Scream 6 and the end (for now) of the Scream franchise. Brooke has 30 seconds to summarize all of her problems with this movie.

We rank all of the films and Melissa updates us with her Smash or Pass of all the killers.

For her birthday we're talking baseball and Bull Durham! Then a special surprise trilogy! Listen for what it is!

It's a re-quel, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. Why this movie totally rules, and fixes/elevates some of the problems from Scream 3 and 4. Jack Quaid. Toxic fandom. Nepo babies. And we end it with a game of "Smash or Pass" with all of our spooky season villains, including all the Scream murderers.

Like the scream franchise, we're back from a break and ready to talk this return! Isn't this like what Scream 3 was supposed to be? Why do people hate this movie? Who guessed the ending? Lack of progress on racial representation. 2010s and race in Hollywood.

Melissa announces her birthday movie for after Scream 3-- and Go Rangers!

It's Scream 3, it's October, welcome to official spooky season! (Also, Go Rangers!) Wes Craven's use of rape, specifically children who are a product of rape being evil. Carrie Fisher! Andy can't remember Clive Barker's Lord of Illusions and starts everyone doing Adam Sandler impressions. Randy sighting! Stab-a-thon! Secret siblings? Dumb trope. Announcing our guided meditation and scream therapy. Circle Stab! Hollywood Stabs-- circle gets the stab! Stab Your Luck! (the biggest giggle fit in the history of the podcast) Scream's influence on mainstream horror. Some self reflection on if violent movies have affected us... nope, it was Dungeons and Dragons all along! Dropout.TV, GameChanger, and Brennan Lee Mulligan. The Dom DM clip we reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bj60InmphBE

Box office, Studio Notes - Murder Throuple Stab Whammy, Best Deaths, Best Song -- Andy wants Creed to get stabbed. The Creed What If music video where Ghostface is murdering them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkHjFzw1TUg

We don't really want anyone to get stabbed. Anyway, go Rangers! Scream 4 next!

It's Scream 2 and Andy, Brooke and Melissa are... talking baseball? Also sequels. And how this is the most stacked supporting cast in the history of sequels... except maybe Sharknado 2. Treatment of Black characters in this movie and franchise. Are there any sequels better than the original?

Next week Scream 3-- go Rangers!

New series! Why this is the most Xennial movie ever. Intergenerational trauma and absent parents, absent adults. Kevin Williamson, Wes Craven, and more horrible tales of how awful the Weinstiens were. Drew Barrymore and that opening scene. The first "meta" film. Queer coding. Goddamn patriarchy. Rated NC-17 for "viscera." Box office and an insane slate of movies playing in its opening weekend.

We say goodbye to Indy with a few tears but lots of analysis, and tangents about dating and patriarchy and legacy like you wouldn't believe! We also rank the Indy films and you won't believe how much we agree and disagree!

Next up we're doing Scream! So pop your popcorn and let's talk about our favorite scary movies!

Indy's back (and so are we!) and most of the crew is back together fresh off our Barbenheimer viewings. History with this movie. PG-13. The sexism and Willie. The racism. But also? This movie has some great stuff-- the mine cart, Short Round, and more. A tangent about Sound of Freedom and Operation Underground Railroad.

Next time back with Last Crusade!

It's Brooke's birthday so... we watched Saturday's Warrior? We're sorry. You can hear our entire commentary track, too. But here's the short of it. This is terrible. Pam is all the tropes. The Population Bomb, eco-fascism, and white nationalism. The goddamn patriarchy and its part in this.

But join us next time for a movie with slightly fewer Nazis-- Raiders of the Lost Ark!

It's Evil Dead Rise, which was just in theaters! Weirdly, we end up not talking about it that much, but instead go offf on long tangents about Scream, woodchippers, and then Brooke reveals her special birthday movie choice at the end.

It's a doozy, and Andy would like to announce his retirement from the podcast as he has now gone to live in the woodchipper after this episode's studio note.

Andy, Melissa and Brooke are OVER this one. How did they make the tree rape WORSE? Diablo Cody? The Final Girl trope. No clever sign off because we're just so done.

Next time it's Evil Dead Rise, which is now available on VOD!

A quick Evil Dead Rise review! All about Joss Whedon (and Drew Goddard!) Separating art from artist, but... hoo boy. Fran Kranz as Whedon self-insert. MGM's financial troubles and the delays of the movie. Bad test screenings. Harry Knowles, Butt-Numb-a-Thon, and sex pests helping sex pests. Supermarket Sweep. Everything on the whiteboard. Archetypes. Sigourney Weaver is the GOAT. Not a troll-- Dante's Peak. Alt universe versions of this movie made by other directors.

Back next time with 2013's Evil Dead reboot by Fede Alvarez.

What... what IS this movie? Confusing beginning. Horror vs Horror Comedy. Which do we like better? Sam Raimi's use of women characters.

Next week it's Army of Darkness! Groovy!

New season, new franchise! It's The Evil Dead, Sam Raimi's splatterfest cabin in the woods original! Why did Melissa want to do this franchise? What is everyone's experience with these movies? Content and Trigger warning: discussion of sexual assault and rape. The violence towards women in this movie. The production history of this movie. Raimi family connections! Xena! SeaQuest! Introducing our new award: Best kill/death!

Next week, the remake/sequel: Evil Dead 2 - Dead by Dawn.

Creed vs Drago, and the winner is all of us! Again, we all love this movie. Dinner scenes. Phylicia Rashad, Tessa Thompson, and BRIGITTE!! Dads and babies. Embarrassing Russian lessons with Andy. Weird tangents at the end about running/kinesiology/mental toughness, Nile Rogers, watching movies with Andy and Kitt's parents (these are all separate tangents).

Next week Creed III comes out! We'll have a new episode early the next week after it comes out with no spoilers to give everyone a chance to see it. But we'll also rank our favorite fights, montages, and movies across the series. 

It's Creed! Is the best Rocky movie actually Creed? Ryan Coogler. Check out the Patreon for our discussion on Fruitvale Station. Check out Roy on Yours, Mine, and Theirs.

Creed II is next!

It's Rocky IV and Andy doesn't understand Roman numerals. The whole gang is back including Roy Fillmore and he and Andy promise not to talk about the Director's Cut too much. We break that promise over and over. But seriously, watch the theatrical cut. Roy's sexual awakening. Paulie. The sex robot. Drago isn't Soviet enough. "Oh no, it's Brigitte!" We re-enact a 1990 SNL sketch of Sly Stallone and other Hollywood stars giving hockey ideas to Wayne Gretzky. It's propaganda. Disagreement over whether this is a good movie or not.

At about the 2 hour mark, Andy sits down with his former LDS mission companion Jared to talk about searching for Russian copies of Rocky IV in Volgograd in the late 90's. 

Next week: a movie that doesn't exist! Don't watch Rocky V. We'll watch so you don't have to.

Our prediction? PAIN as Roy Fillmore from Yours, Mine and Theirs joins us again. This is the template movie for everything else. Adrian is the best. Carl Weathers' shoulders. Andy's rant about why 1982 was the best summer of movies ever. 

Watch Rocky IV for next week-- probably the theatrical cut but if you want to watch the new Director's Cut you can do that too.

Roy is back for a rematch talking Rocky II!  The nueroscience of changing from southpaw to righty. Stallone's injury. "You're great!" subtitle. Twitter mail to Creed! Socioeconomics and gender norms of "the man provides." A birdwalk about Mormonism, women having careers, LGBTQ acceptance, etc. Roy is The Best Mormon. The Catholic Church robbed Melissa of her ambidexterity. International Rocky II posters ("Revanche!") and merch. NIGHTHAWKS! Watch Sylvester Stallone on The Muppet Show. 

Pity the Fool with Clubber Lang in Rocky III next week.

Check out the Patreon for too-spicy-for-main chat at: https://www.patreon.com/kissyourfranchisegoodbye

We're launching our Patreon with movies too spicy for the main feed. Hear this two minute preview as Andy and Brooke talk the Rocky-adjacent film The Lords of Flatbush, but we also talk about the history of condoms, the Gilmore Girls, crying fetishes, and Andy's dalliance with screenwriting during the LDS cinema boomlet in the early 2000's.

https://www.patreon.com/kissyourfranchisegoodbye

The two old boys are back to talk about Lady Vengeance? (Everyone is back next time for Rocky-- we promise!) It's a Christmas movie? Decision to Leave and Hitchcock. The visuals of this film and use of color. 

A long weird side conversation about the filmography of David Koepp.  

Back next time with Rocky!

It's a Melissa birthday pick with the Michael Caine/Steve Martin two-hander Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. We just need some happiness and joy. Steve Martin's kinesthetic acting. Michael Caine's oily hair... or is it crusty? First impressions from first time watches. This is a remake? And there's been another remake? This could have been a Mick Jagger/David Bowie movie. Don't watch Bedtime Story or The Hustle. The problematic stuff. But overall this movie really holds up!

One of us was naked this whole time.

Next week we start The Vengeance Trilogy, and contrary to what we say on the show, do not watch Oldboy first, watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, and DEFINITELY don't watch the Oldboy remake.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! Andy is here to lay down the Robert's Rules of Order and lay this episode on the table.

The state of the franchise is amazingly strong, with theaters open and basically every major movie coming out in 2023 some sort of sequel, reboot, or adaptation of an existing property. Some of them sound great, some of them sound terrible. 

Also, it's finally happening: we're doing a patreon and starting a multi-year project where we're going to watch every single Hitchcock movie. Yikes. Find us on https://www.patreon.com/kissyourfranchisegoodbye as we promise all sorts of exclusive embarrassing content.

Our adventuring party rolls for initiative, D&D style, and Melissa, JB, Kitt, Brooke, and Andy nominate our franchises for season 3. We're also adding one fan-chosen franchise next year! Listen to what we chose and enjoy the strange concoction of artsy, musical, and popcorn we have planned. 

Next week we're watching DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS to celebrate Melissa's birthday, and then we're heading into Vengeance Trilogy territory! Get ready!

It's the final Toy Story film! Should we start a Patreon/OnlyFans? Brooke's wine pairing and horoscope reading. Is this the best one somehow? We all feel Forky wanting to throw himself away. Trauma in 3 vs lighter tone in 4. Codependency in the toys. Unpacking Woody being the odd one out and that times have changed. 

Melissa had a hard time deciding between Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil for her birthday movie, but we're going with the 80's comedy classic. But first, we have our 100th episode and 2nd (annual?) State of the Franchise to pick out our Season 3 movies. Indy 5 is the audience vote winner, and there is a tie between Lord of the Rings and Star Wars for 2nd. John Wick is only 1 vote behind. If you want to sway the vote, get in the comments and decide! And maybe we'll do it?

Also don't forget to vote for realsies! (it may be the last election we ever have, so. . .)

The toys are back in town. Not since... has there been such a trilogy! We love this movie, but we spend an hour absolutely savaging it. Spanish Mode Buzz can f*** off, but not if it's exclusively making fun of Spaniards because those colonizers can f*** off even more! Lack of women in the movie is Pixar telling on itself. Gay jokes about Ken are Pixar telling on itself. LOTSA HUGGING BEAR is specifically telling on John Lasseter and the work culture at Pixar/Disney under him. But we really do love this movie! So much trauma. 

Next week it's the return of Bo Peep in Toy Story 4!! Last chance to weigh in on the Facebook poll for our Season 3 franchises!

The Godfather II of animated movies? We’re all just toys in Andy’s toybox. This was Brooke’s first time watching this. Our histories with the movie. The most Andy has ever cried at a movie. The intense pressure and timeline of making this movie. The time it got deleted off Pixar’s servers. Star Wars references! The first 5 minutes vs. Lightyear. Cursed premise. Could use more music. Gender imbalance. Are Bo Peep and Woody involved because she’s the only girl toy or because there’s actually something there? Sideshow Bob. Sadness for Stinky Pete. Should we take our Funko Pops out of the box? Tune in next week for Melissa’s take on Spanish Buzz. An amazing rant about the Great British Bake Off Mexican Week. Box office. Rex as representation of mental illness. Preparing for Pixar tears. Kitt the toy surgeon. Twiggy and Fatso the penguins. Best lines are also the best visual gags. The outtakes! Geri’s Game! Do we or do we not mess with the Fey? Sarah Mclachlan and the peak of sadness, “I Will Remember You”, what if Buble/Goulet sang Sarah Mclachlan songs? 

ANDY'S COMING! EVERYONE HIDE! We talk about the first Toy Story movie and why we love this franchise. The long history of Pixar and John Lasseter- watch The Pixar Story on Disney+. Only men made this movie? SHOCKING. The return of Quibi-co-founder Jeffrey Katzenberg. Joss Whedon and a pause for reactions. Fan theories about Andy's mom and family situation. 

Next week it's time to cry with Jessie's cowgirl song. Watch Toy Story 2!

We're going to talk about Bruno. Melissa is joining us from a submarine? (Stay to the end for the bloopers where you can hear the submarine dive). Which family member are we and why is it Luisa? Lots of talk about mental health and family trauma. WE FUCKING HATE THE ALAMO, OK? US foreign policy towards Latin America. Andy's gift is segues back from tangents.

Next week we're finishing Disney Princesses (for now) with Turning Red! Bring your favorites ranked and also your favorite boy band songs!

It's a princess movie about. . . COVID? The world is broken but we're here to talk about all the ways Disney tried to do something new and different and groundbreaking here, but also a discussion about how it's a step backwards when we use a fake place like Kumandra instead of real places like Coco and Encanto do. We still really love this movie though.

Content/trigger-warnings: we discuss COVID, death, family problems and injuries, and sexual assault and rape in this episode. 

And stop pitting women against each other!

We also include some bloopers/outtakes at the end of the episode including a side discussion about RRR and why Kitt isn't here this week.

Next week we talk about Bruno! We're watching Encanto!

If you want more ASMR seduction from Andy, please message the podcast but we really don't think any of you are looking for this.