Kiss Your Franchise Goodbye

It's Brooke's birthday so... we watched Saturday's Warrior? We're sorry. You can hear our entire commentary track, too. But here's the short of it. This is terrible. Pam is all the tropes. The Population Bomb, eco-fascism, and white nationalism. The goddamn patriarchy and its part in this.

But join us next time for a movie with slightly fewer Nazis-- Raiders of the Lost Ark!

It's Evil Dead Rise, which was just in theaters! Weirdly, we end up not talking about it that much, but instead go offf on long tangents about Scream, woodchippers, and then Brooke reveals her special birthday movie choice at the end.

It's a doozy, and Andy would like to announce his retirement from the podcast as he has now gone to live in the woodchipper after this episode's studio note.

Andy, Melissa and Brooke are OVER this one. How did they make the tree rape WORSE? Diablo Cody? The Final Girl trope. No clever sign off because we're just so done.

Next time it's Evil Dead Rise, which is now available on VOD!

A quick Evil Dead Rise review! All about Joss Whedon (and Drew Goddard!) Separating art from artist, but... hoo boy. Fran Kranz as Whedon self-insert. MGM's financial troubles and the delays of the movie. Bad test screenings. Harry Knowles, Butt-Numb-a-Thon, and sex pests helping sex pests. Supermarket Sweep. Everything on the whiteboard. Archetypes. Sigourney Weaver is the GOAT. Not a troll-- Dante's Peak. Alt universe versions of this movie made by other directors.

Back next time with 2013's Evil Dead reboot by Fede Alvarez.

What... what IS this movie? Confusing beginning. Horror vs Horror Comedy. Which do we like better? Sam Raimi's use of women characters.

Next week it's Army of Darkness! Groovy!

New season, new franchise! It's The Evil Dead, Sam Raimi's splatterfest cabin in the woods original! Why did Melissa want to do this franchise? What is everyone's experience with these movies? Content and Trigger warning: discussion of sexual assault and rape. The violence towards women in this movie. The production history of this movie. Raimi family connections! Xena! SeaQuest! Introducing our new award: Best kill/death!

Next week, the remake/sequel: Evil Dead 2 - Dead by Dawn.

Creed vs Drago, and the winner is all of us! Again, we all love this movie. Dinner scenes. Phylicia Rashad, Tessa Thompson, and BRIGITTE!! Dads and babies. Embarrassing Russian lessons with Andy. Weird tangents at the end about running/kinesiology/mental toughness, Nile Rogers, watching movies with Andy and Kitt's parents (these are all separate tangents).

Next week Creed III comes out! We'll have a new episode early the next week after it comes out with no spoilers to give everyone a chance to see it. But we'll also rank our favorite fights, montages, and movies across the series. 

It's Creed! Is the best Rocky movie actually Creed? Ryan Coogler. Check out the Patreon for our discussion on Fruitvale Station. Check out Roy on Yours, Mine, and Theirs.

Creed II is next!

It's Rocky IV and Andy doesn't understand Roman numerals. The whole gang is back including Roy Fillmore and he and Andy promise not to talk about the Director's Cut too much. We break that promise over and over. But seriously, watch the theatrical cut. Roy's sexual awakening. Paulie. The sex robot. Drago isn't Soviet enough. "Oh no, it's Brigitte!" We re-enact a 1990 SNL sketch of Sly Stallone and other Hollywood stars giving hockey ideas to Wayne Gretzky. It's propaganda. Disagreement over whether this is a good movie or not.

At about the 2 hour mark, Andy sits down with his former LDS mission companion Jared to talk about searching for Russian copies of Rocky IV in Volgograd in the late 90's. 

Next week: a movie that doesn't exist! Don't watch Rocky V. We'll watch so you don't have to.

Our prediction? PAIN as Roy Fillmore from Yours, Mine and Theirs joins us again. This is the template movie for everything else. Adrian is the best. Carl Weathers' shoulders. Andy's rant about why 1982 was the best summer of movies ever. 

Watch Rocky IV for next week-- probably the theatrical cut but if you want to watch the new Director's Cut you can do that too.

Roy is back for a rematch talking Rocky II!  The nueroscience of changing from southpaw to righty. Stallone's injury. "You're great!" subtitle. Twitter mail to Creed! Socioeconomics and gender norms of "the man provides." A birdwalk about Mormonism, women having careers, LGBTQ acceptance, etc. Roy is The Best Mormon. The Catholic Church robbed Melissa of her ambidexterity. International Rocky II posters ("Revanche!") and merch. NIGHTHAWKS! Watch Sylvester Stallone on The Muppet Show. 

Pity the Fool with Clubber Lang in Rocky III next week.

Check out the Patreon for too-spicy-for-main chat at: https://www.patreon.com/kissyourfranchisegoodbye

We're launching our Patreon with movies too spicy for the main feed. Hear this two minute preview as Andy and Brooke talk the Rocky-adjacent film The Lords of Flatbush, but we also talk about the history of condoms, the Gilmore Girls, crying fetishes, and Andy's dalliance with screenwriting during the LDS cinema boomlet in the early 2000's.

https://www.patreon.com/kissyourfranchisegoodbye

The two old boys are back to talk about Lady Vengeance? (Everyone is back next time for Rocky-- we promise!) It's a Christmas movie? Decision to Leave and Hitchcock. The visuals of this film and use of color. 

A long weird side conversation about the filmography of David Koepp.  

Back next time with Rocky!

It's a Melissa birthday pick with the Michael Caine/Steve Martin two-hander Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. We just need some happiness and joy. Steve Martin's kinesthetic acting. Michael Caine's oily hair... or is it crusty? First impressions from first time watches. This is a remake? And there's been another remake? This could have been a Mick Jagger/David Bowie movie. Don't watch Bedtime Story or The Hustle. The problematic stuff. But overall this movie really holds up!

One of us was naked this whole time.

Next week we start The Vengeance Trilogy, and contrary to what we say on the show, do not watch Oldboy first, watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, and DEFINITELY don't watch the Oldboy remake.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye! Andy is here to lay down the Robert's Rules of Order and lay this episode on the table.

The state of the franchise is amazingly strong, with theaters open and basically every major movie coming out in 2023 some sort of sequel, reboot, or adaptation of an existing property. Some of them sound great, some of them sound terrible. 

Also, it's finally happening: we're doing a patreon and starting a multi-year project where we're going to watch every single Hitchcock movie. Yikes. Find us on https://www.patreon.com/kissyourfranchisegoodbye as we promise all sorts of exclusive embarrassing content.

Our adventuring party rolls for initiative, D&D style, and Melissa, JB, Kitt, Brooke, and Andy nominate our franchises for season 3. We're also adding one fan-chosen franchise next year! Listen to what we chose and enjoy the strange concoction of artsy, musical, and popcorn we have planned. 

Next week we're watching DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS to celebrate Melissa's birthday, and then we're heading into Vengeance Trilogy territory! Get ready!

It's the final Toy Story film! Should we start a Patreon/OnlyFans? Brooke's wine pairing and horoscope reading. Is this the best one somehow? We all feel Forky wanting to throw himself away. Trauma in 3 vs lighter tone in 4. Codependency in the toys. Unpacking Woody being the odd one out and that times have changed. 

Melissa had a hard time deciding between Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and Tucker and Dale vs. Evil for her birthday movie, but we're going with the 80's comedy classic. But first, we have our 100th episode and 2nd (annual?) State of the Franchise to pick out our Season 3 movies. Indy 5 is the audience vote winner, and there is a tie between Lord of the Rings and Star Wars for 2nd. John Wick is only 1 vote behind. If you want to sway the vote, get in the comments and decide! And maybe we'll do it?

Also don't forget to vote for realsies! (it may be the last election we ever have, so. . .)

The toys are back in town. Not since... has there been such a trilogy! We love this movie, but we spend an hour absolutely savaging it. Spanish Mode Buzz can f*** off, but not if it's exclusively making fun of Spaniards because those colonizers can f*** off even more! Lack of women in the movie is Pixar telling on itself. Gay jokes about Ken are Pixar telling on itself. LOTSA HUGGING BEAR is specifically telling on John Lasseter and the work culture at Pixar/Disney under him. But we really do love this movie! So much trauma. 

Next week it's the return of Bo Peep in Toy Story 4!! Last chance to weigh in on the Facebook poll for our Season 3 franchises!

The Godfather II of animated movies? We’re all just toys in Andy’s toybox. This was Brooke’s first time watching this. Our histories with the movie. The most Andy has ever cried at a movie. The intense pressure and timeline of making this movie. The time it got deleted off Pixar’s servers. Star Wars references! The first 5 minutes vs. Lightyear. Cursed premise. Could use more music. Gender imbalance. Are Bo Peep and Woody involved because she’s the only girl toy or because there’s actually something there? Sideshow Bob. Sadness for Stinky Pete. Should we take our Funko Pops out of the box? Tune in next week for Melissa’s take on Spanish Buzz. An amazing rant about the Great British Bake Off Mexican Week. Box office. Rex as representation of mental illness. Preparing for Pixar tears. Kitt the toy surgeon. Twiggy and Fatso the penguins. Best lines are also the best visual gags. The outtakes! Geri’s Game! Do we or do we not mess with the Fey? Sarah Mclachlan and the peak of sadness, “I Will Remember You”, what if Buble/Goulet sang Sarah Mclachlan songs? 

ANDY'S COMING! EVERYONE HIDE! We talk about the first Toy Story movie and why we love this franchise. The long history of Pixar and John Lasseter- watch The Pixar Story on Disney+. Only men made this movie? SHOCKING. The return of Quibi-co-founder Jeffrey Katzenberg. Joss Whedon and a pause for reactions. Fan theories about Andy's mom and family situation. 

Next week it's time to cry with Jessie's cowgirl song. Watch Toy Story 2!

We're going to talk about Bruno. Melissa is joining us from a submarine? (Stay to the end for the bloopers where you can hear the submarine dive). Which family member are we and why is it Luisa? Lots of talk about mental health and family trauma. WE FUCKING HATE THE ALAMO, OK? US foreign policy towards Latin America. Andy's gift is segues back from tangents.

Next week we're finishing Disney Princesses (for now) with Turning Red! Bring your favorites ranked and also your favorite boy band songs!

It's a princess movie about. . . COVID? The world is broken but we're here to talk about all the ways Disney tried to do something new and different and groundbreaking here, but also a discussion about how it's a step backwards when we use a fake place like Kumandra instead of real places like Coco and Encanto do. We still really love this movie though.

Content/trigger-warnings: we discuss COVID, death, family problems and injuries, and sexual assault and rape in this episode. 

And stop pitting women against each other!

We also include some bloopers/outtakes at the end of the episode including a side discussion about RRR and why Kitt isn't here this week.

Next week we talk about Bruno! We're watching Encanto!

If you want more ASMR seduction from Andy, please message the podcast but we really don't think any of you are looking for this.

Disney goes "woke" with the whitest people you know? Or just a story about sisters. The long history of Frozen starting in the 1940s, and including what happens when you put different people in charge of writing and directing, in this case writer/co-director Jennifer Lee. The sister summit. Adele Dazeem. Is Elsa gay? We're 100% on board with killing the parents. Do reindeer antlers female? 

Go vote in the Facebook poll-- Andy eliminated 5 movies from his birthday movie runoff, so go vote harder if you have strong preferences.

Aka the episode where everyone is sick. Somehow JB spread COVID via the podcast and we're all recovering. But let's talk about Brave! And Brenda Chapman. And John Lasseter. And Haggis. And rules for dealing with the Fey! And bear puns! 

Next week we have a special birthday treat -- Kitt has chosen Labyrinth, which will be lots of fun!

It's the story of... Flynn Rider? How is this not Rapunzel's story!?!? We break down why Brooke hates this so much, along with long discussions about emotional abuse and gaslighting. The Philadelphia Story! JB shows up at the end and we go on a tangent about Duets, the Huey Lewis/Gwyneth Paltrow movie. Also crazy merch from this movie, like a trading card game?

Please note that this episode was recorded prior to the Supreme Court decision coming down in Dobbs v Jackson Womens Health Care and so while a lot of this episode does call out patriarchy, we don't address any of that. Abortion is health care, and if you can, please support organizations giving to women of color who will need direct aid getting access to proper treatment.

We've been dreaming of a true love's kiss and this movie that tries to have it both ways with princess tropes. It is, however, enchanting, as is Adele Dazeem, who inexplicably doesn't sing in this movie at all (Kitt has some studio notes about that). The movie is still incredibly white and straight, even for 2007. Nominations for Patrick Dempsey's nickname: McBoring? McDiva?  

Next week we cross into 3D cgi animation for the first time with Tangled! Get your frying pan ready for Brooke's hot takes on why she hates it!

It's The Princess and the Frog and we welcome Sandee Moore back from her previous appearance and Kitt is now back as a regular princess contributor.

Musker and Clements are at it again, and Lotsa Huggin Bear Jon Lasseter is making it even worse. The cult of Oprah? Depictions of vodou in mainstream media. Neil Gaiman. RANDY NEWMAN. Zydeco. 

Andy does the LONGEST studio note ever with a complete rewrite. We're very sorry.

Go to Sandee's Instagram, follow her, like her posts, and send her money to buy one of these Tiana dresses!

We're back and ready to explain the three seashells with this movie that will totally be your boggle. Enhance your calm as we talk about how this movie went through development hell, had 5 different writers, and almost starred Jackie Chan and Lori Petty. . . Also, Brooke and JB have tips for how to get into the Utah Swingers scene. Can we turn this movie into Intersectional Demolition Woman?

Next week we're back with Disney Princesses and we're talking about The Princess and the Frog.

On this episode, Ohana means podcast, and that means Andy forgot to include his actual ohana in the recording, so stick around for special time with his sibling Kitt at the end. (Kitt is also going to start joining us as a semi-regular contributor for the rest of the Disney princesses). But we love this movie! Even though some of us had never seen it before. Found family. Is Lilo on the spectrum? The problems of the foster care system. Kids in the Hall. How 9/11 changed the movie. Changing the dryer to a pizza box. Are there no "bad" characters? The marketing of Lilo and Stich. Conversation with Kitt starts about 1:37.

Disney's Ugly Duckling short that makes Andy ugly cry: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCX-mPstrPU

Stitch trailers where he ruins other Disney movies: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru0UqJ6xM60

Next week it's Brooke's birthday so we're watching Louise by the Shore: https://www.amazon.com/Louise-Shore-Diane-Dassigny/dp/B07TSTHRZ7

We're back to give a queer take on Mulan and make Ted Cruz, Ron DeSantis and Ben Shapiro cry. Donny Osmond. Who is Jeffrey Katzenberg? The voice cast of this movie. The cricket! Eddie Murphy? More ballsacks? Orientalism still alive in the animation. Boycotts against the movie by the Chinese Communist Party and the American Religious Right. Same as it ever was. 

Next week we're doing Robin Hood!

We welcome Ruth Young, who has been to every county in Utah, as we tackle Disney's attempt at a biopic that in no way reflects the actual life of the people they were trying to portray. We say goodbye to Jeffrey Katzenberg, co-founder of Quibi. Ok, fine, we're doing Robin Hood. Kokoum, so hot right now. 

The actual history of Makaota, who was called Pocahontas: https://indiancountrytoday.com/archive/true-story-pocahontas-historical-myths-versus-sad-reality and a video version of this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaO3waqN_Y8

Andy really likes this movie but is going to complain about it for 2 1/2 hours. Robin Williams. Jeffrey Katzenberg (co-founder of Quibi) and the ruining of this movie. Howard Ashman's death. The problems with Tim Rice and A Whole New World. Jasmine is doing a 1992 Feminism! (according to Men) The Nipple Report with Brooke Heym. BARFI! 

Aladdin 92 vs Aladdin 2019 box office adjusted for inflation report: https://www.the-numbers.com/movies/custom-comparisons/Aladdin-(2019)/Aladdin-(1992)#tab=day_by_day_comparison 

Twisted the Musical by Starkid: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-77cUxba-aA

Anyway, this movie's sexual politics are garbage, its racial politics are garbage, its class politics are garbage. But is it also great?

Kelly Adams rejoins us as we start talking about, what else, that library, tho. Kelly loves this movie. Andy loves this movie. Brooke keeps hearing Melissa's voice in her head, or her head in her... something, we don't know. But if there's a library in it for us, then we'll do pretty much anything. Belle is both amazing and problematic. Who is the antagonist of this movie? A long tangent about Star Trek and Quantum Leap. Brooke wants to talk about Esmerelda, so we're doing Hunchback... in 3 weeks.

Listener discretion advised on this one because the conversation goes in some... interesting directions. But we're back! Tonal difference from Hannibal to Disney. Mads-curious. The history of Disney post Sleeping Beauty to now (note: in the episode Andy incorrectly says Sleeping Beauty came out in 1969 when it came out in 1959, putting Little Mermaid at 30, not 20, years later. He has been appropriately disciplined). Jeffrey Katzenberg, co-founder of Quibi. The genius of Howard Ashman and the "I want" song. This is Disney's Goldfinger-- the template movie for all other future successes. Sexuality in The Little Mermaid. Do mermen have penises? Andy's creepy crush on Ariel and Christina Ricci. JB's carwash theory. Ursula is a BOSS. Mencken is amazing. Making this a more explicit trans/queer allegory. Give Ariel another song.

Next week, MORE Little Mermaid, and this time with guests!

See Brooke's TikTok where it paired her with Rapunzel: https://www.tiktok.com/@brookeheym/video/7066618345830976815

Gaelen is back for Act 3 of the show she calls "Mindf@#$ing in Three Acts"-- it's most mindf@#$ery that ever was!!! The censors were totally not paying attention. We talk about Hannibal Rising for 30 seconds and that's all there is to say about that "movie."  We ranks our best Hannibals, Will Grahams, Jack Crawfords, and Frances Dollarhydes. 

Prepare for whiplash-- and next episode we're back to Disney Princesses with The Little Mermaid! (As soon as Andy's done moving) You're gonna love it!

Happy Thanksgiving! And we have the most seasonally appropriate television show of all time, Hannibal, and its second season. We're joined by Mads superfan Gaelen again (from our Casino Royale episode). And Brooke is making a turkey dinner! The most f@#$ed up season of network television of all time. Mads lies about English fluency. We have our MCU Mads Mikkelson dream casting. The lighting! Lighting on Netflix. Brooke doesn't like the show. We eventually bully her into agreeing it's well done. 

Next time we're back with Season 3!

We're taking a break from serial murderers to celebrate Melissa's birthday-- and we're watching Barfi!! It's available on Netflix and is so beautiful. Don't listen to this episode, just go watch it! Then join us in the church of Barfi.

Watch it here: https://www.netflix.com/title/70219525

We love this movie so much! Just trust us.

Remember when we were a James Bond podcast? Well, here we are! The 25th official Bond movie (and technically the 49th episode of Season 1) and we're all here to talk about it. THERE ARE SPOILERS, and we talk about the ending very early on. We update our previous reviews from a few weeks ago. Rami Malek is still a weak villain. That ending and why the movie (and the series) doesn't work unless it ends that way. We stan Ana De Armas as Paloma. She is the new Sharkey. OF COURSE we talk about where the series goes from here and who the new Bond should be.

Next up, back to Hannibal and the tv show, season 1!!

It's the final Anthony Hopkins performance as Hannibal Lecter in the remake of Manhunter. Brett Ratner. Milli Vanilli biopic ideas. A wild Melissa appears! Is this movie better than Manhunter? Lesbian porn. Andy is pre-emptively cancelling himself and Mark.  Next week is No Time to Die!

You can tell we were meh about this movie we took forever to talk about it. To hear about Candyman, go directly to minute 20. Before that? Intros. People are slinging fire on this episode. "Spin the Black Circle." Non-spoilery thoughts on No Time to Die range from meh to maybe the best Bond ever. Mark and Andy's excellent adventure seeing it in a theater.  

Finally, Candyman. There are good things to like in here, but it's not exactly put together right. 

Next week. . . Red Dragon? Or Bond? Who knows?!?! IT'S CHAOS!!! (If you listen on Spotify, go vote in the poll!)

We take a weird random turn to talk about a movie about franchises versus new, original intellectual property. "Original" but not really? Are we living in a simulation? Movie theater experience. Albuquerque Boiled Turkey. Focus Groups. 

Next up, Candyman? Or maybe back to Bond? When do we get back to Hannibal? IT'S CHAOS. We don't know.

It's time for the eponymous episode. Misunderstanding Clarice Starling. The most dude-bro movie yet. Clarice the tv show. Hannibal is a dirty old man. How much worse this movie could've been. Wait until the Hannibal tv show. 

Thanks again to D9 for our music. Subscribe to his YouTube channel for fresh beats every day: https://www.youtube.com/c/D9Robot

Next week, we return to the Tooth Fairy story with Red Dragon.

Say his name five times in a mirror, and the Candyman will murder you. We really enjoyed looking back on this film before the new one comes out. Thanks, Brooke!

Also thanks to Andy's brother Dan, aka D9, for his music! D9 wrote the theme song from Season 1 we used for our James Bond series, and now we're using his beats as the background theme music for this Candyman series and our upcoming Hannibal series. You can check out his music AND DAILY LIVESTREAMS on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/c/D9Robot ! Thanks Dan!!!

It's a Dolly Double Feature, but sadly these movie are not great. Andy's follow-up feelings on Ted Lasso. Melissa has gigabit internet. And calls JB "the James Woods of the podcast" and now we're fighting. Recasting James Woods? More musical numbers, please. More DOLLY please. "Fix Me, Jesus" is a song about the script.

Next week-- CANDYMAN.

Taking a break from Dolly to talk about what's keeping us sane and making us happy (or in a few cases confounded and angry) in all things franchises. We start with one of the biggest franchises of all: Superman. Why Superman and Lois is amazing television. Ted Lasso. Black Widow. MCU fatigue? Theaters? Space Jam. No, seriously, Brooke, this is the actual plot of Space Jam: A New Legacy. Jungle Cruise. What's worth going to theaters for? A few other things here and there. 

Our schedule for the rest of August (fingers crossed):

1 more episode of Dolly Parton: Joyful Noise / Straight Talk
Candyman
Candyman sequels
Candyman reboot (assuming movie theaters are still open and this isn't delayed)

Now go watch Ted Lasso and have yourselves a good cry!

Content Warning: LANGUAGE. Steve Rogers would have a real problem with this episode. Folks, we've got a problem. We've got a WHOREHOUSE, right here in Texas! Based on the actual true events around the Chicken Ranch in La Grange, TX, instead we have singing and dancing, Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds, and naked football player choreography! This episode brought to you by Greg Abbott and Ted Cruz. Not as dirty as we would've thought. PG movies with boobs - AIRPLANE!! (We use the phrase "cum dumpster" once and then repeat it many times by the end of the episode. We're very, very, very sorry) Andy is obsessed with Channing Tatutm. Burt Reynolds vs. Dolly Parton. 

Racism. In the Heights. Next week RHINESTONE.

PS- We are happy to announce that this will be the final episode with beeping in the background. Andy's landlord finally brought over a 30 foot ladder to get up to the smoke detectors on the vaulted ceilings. Those responsible for the beeping have been sacked. BEEP!

Dolly and Lily Tomlin ARE Disney Princesses. Why isn't this on Disney Plus? Melissa erased her VHS copy. MAGNETS. We need a copy because we got the Moderna vaccine. Melissa's grandma. Andy forgot TONS of this movie. Possible sequel. Dabney Coleman is peak early 80's dad. Let's talk about Roz. We have a QUESTION for Patricia Resnick. Andy apologizes for his fire alarms.

This movie is hot garbage. Signed, Blade. On a Post-It note. The David Goyer rabbit hole. Who choked who? Racism? He had it comin'! Misogyny and tropes. Andy won't say the one line. Brooke will use that word, but only in romantic situations with Parker Posey. Rumors aside, Wesley Snipes seems to be a pleasant person now. What We Do in the Shadows and Wellington Paranormal. So many studio notes. 

Next week we start Disney Princesses with Snow White. Note: JB does not accept the spelling "Dwarfs."

Oscar talk! Wolfwalkers vs. Soul. Movie gift baskets. Top Pixar movies. Why we love Wolfwalkers. Anti-colonialism. Should we do a Cartoon Saloon Trilogy? (Secret of Kells, Song of the Sea, Wolfwalkers) Colonialism. Rick Santorum. Local Texas elections, police reform. In Memorium fails. Best Actor categories. Netflix pushed the wrong movies. The Academy Awards are an archaic system that perpetuates white supremacy. Oscar always rewarding things to make up for past snubs. 

We finally talk Blade 2 around minute 48. Nyssa is great, but why did she die? Will they/won't they dynamic. Nomak was in a boy band! JB is mistaken about the score. Soundtrack. How JB and Andy saw this movie for the first time. Editing movies in Utah. Vampire language. Donnie Yen. Honey Wagons. Parker Posey next week.

The box office. Studio notes. Why are we scared of old, veiny vampires? Best songs. Appropriate for children?

Content/Trigger Warning: racism, Apartheid, violence and abuse, especially towards children and animals. We're discussing Daniel Craig's first on-screen role as a Nazi Afrikaaner in the white savior drama The Power of One. This was a tough movie to watch. Unexplored female characters. White saviors. Misuse of Morgan Freeman. Great soundtrack tho. Can studio notes save this movie? Would we show it to children?

It's the penultimate episode of Season 1 as we wrap up Bond by asking, "What if Bond, but Charlize Theron?" Starting with Europe / Peter Schilling. Charlize Theron producing based on a comic book. "It cost $30 million and it looks like a million bucks." -- Andy.  

Is this a female Bond movie? Better than a Bond movie. The male gaze. The soundtrack and what is the theme song?

Next we transition from Bond to Blade with The Power of One.

Mark has a bone to pick with Andy and JB for being mean to SPECTRE. But first, Batwoman talk. Long tracking shots. Sam Smith. Should this have been two movies? This movie is so Extra. Blofeld is SUPER Extra. Lots of Hot Priest talk. A startling discovery on The Poseidon Theory that explains one of this film's most egregious flaws. Next week: Atomic Blonde!

A word about Irish Nachos. We all love Skyfall. Sam Mendes as a director, Auteur Theory. Silva is the best villain. We love Eve Moneypenny. Albert Finney. Shooting for China and the int'l box office. A long discussion about box office and whether going to movie theaters will survive post pandemic. 

It’s a special JB birthday episode as we talk about the 1996 Jim Jarmusch black and white western DEAD MAN. No, it’s not a superhero movie. It’s the most non-franchise movie ever. William Blake and poetry. Total sausage fest. Native American representation. Finishing out Season 1 with James Bond and what's happening on Yours, Mine and Theirs with Mark and Andy guesting over the next few months. Next week-- James Bond will return in SKYFALL.

It's our first annual look at the year before us and planning on which franchises we want to talk about through the rest of the year. It's going to be a very feminist year, with women-led films and a lot of surprise diversity among actors and. . . even some of them foreign films! TWO foreign trilogies, in fact! We hash it all out and you'll have to listen to what franchises we decide to kiss goodbye next!

Welcome to the first podcast of 2021! JB is here to ruin everything. Delays in the podcast and domestic insurrection. The inauguration. We’re a Chris Gaines podcast now. We’re not mad at the movie, we’re just disappointed. Mark explains how chapters work. Robert Jordan? Return of The Whillice Cut. The writers strike. Corrine the Canadian secret agent. Fights like a drunk guinea pig. Marc Forster. Jack White. Box office. Studio notes. When Vicki from Clubhouse joins the podcast. When Mark drops a pan. Best side character (not Chris Gaines). Poseidon theory. Is this a good or bad Bond movie? Is Bond a good or bad person?

Coming up next episode: Mark’s Birthday choice—Good Will Hunting. After that, The State of the Franchise and how we will choose what we talk about post-James Bond. Then a JB birthday choice, which is not Glengarry Glenn Ross. Then Skyfall. Clubhouse?

A special BONUS episode pulled out of the internet time capsule. FOUR YEARS AGO, Dec 21, 2016, Brooke and Andy sat down on another podcast and talked about It's a Wonderful Life, and this was sort of the genesis of some of the ideas we had behind this podcast. It's also just a fun conversation about mental health and the holidays, COMMUNISM, Donald Trump (we had no idea what we were in for), copyright law, and why we love this movie so much. 

We're back to Bond after Christmas, but wanted to give you this in the meantime. Also, Andy just really loves this movie.

This movie is terrible. Just awful. Andy, Mark, Brooke and JB break it down. Halle Berry, product placement gone wrong, bad villains, Boba Fett and The Mandalorian, Rosamund Pike, Michael Madsen, Studio notes, the box office, none of the rest of this is the "best" of any category. Madonna. 

Next time, CASINO ROYALE!!

Special guest Dr. Paul White is here to discuss the blaxploitation-spy-sendup starring Eddie Griffin and Christmas Jones herself.  Sorry for the delay on this episode, but hope it was worth it!

We gather to discuss the passing of a legend. We talk about everything, including Connery's statements and history with domestic violence.  Our favorite Connery movies, and yes we talk a lot about Bond. Favorite Connery quotes. A funny story from Michael Bay. You're the man now, dog, everyone.

The World is Not Enough. . . it's simply sort of "meh." People are mad at Andy's article on Bleeding Cool about Tom Hardy as James Bond. Check out Brooke's Great F@#$ing Relationships Podcast aka GFR. Happy National Coming Out Day. Mark might start a podcast for his library. Shushing.

Brooke never saw this movie until this week. Andy's first theater experience with the movie. Terrible Russian in this movie. Would you rather watch a bad Bond movie or a mediocre Bond movie. Brooke talks about Existential Kink. 

Next episode is Undercover Brother!

We cover all three movies! (apologies for some audio issues. We blame Kreplackistani rebels.) Lots of memories of 1997, 1999, and 2002. Secret Jamba Juice recipes. (10 oz cranberry juice, 2 scoops raspberry sherbet, 1 scoop frozen raspberries, 1 scoop frozen strawberries.) Dr. Evil is the main character. Super gay content. 

Next week James Bond returns in The World is Not Enough.

Provo 1996 memories. When did we fall out of The Simpsons? 

What is the joke? Did Homer see someone throw a show before? Marge should give it a week. Middle management.

When did we realize Hank Scorpio was a supervillain? When did the Simpsons figure it out?

JB knows exactly what the 1996 Denver Broncos' record was.

(Andy would like to apologize to Bob's Burgers because he makes it sound like there isn't much going on with network primetime animation and should've brought it up. D'oh.)

Next episode is The Saint starring Val Kilmer. 

Welcome to The Rock. Semi jokes. A Bond film but not a Bond film. GoFundMe to get everyone high and watch movies. The Fifth Element and Provo memories.

Michael Bay had promise? He cares about if he has a good time.

Ed Harris, David Morse. Michael Biehn and that shower scene. Brooke is going to Montana. 

Nick Cage didn't want to use cuss words. The episode of Community. Is Nick Cage good or bad? 

Happy 90th birthday to Sean Connery. Best/Worst Connery movies. Ed Harris's filmography.

A special appearance by Jon Madsen from Yours, Mine, and Theirs. 

The Captain Darrow Playlist:

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0NDA2hPIndjEpZHTfkTKNt?si=1pAGG7r9RiGn2QVSf16uhg

Andy's Weak Ass Contributions:

Rick James - Give It To Me Baby

The Gap Band - You Dropped a Bomb on Me

Prince - When Doves Cry

Dr. Dre - Keep Their Heads Ringin'

Tupac - California Love

Too $hort - Pimpology (technically a JB addition)

(not included on the podcast but added later:)

Busta Rhymes - Woo Hah! Got You All in Check

Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name

Danzig - Mother

Henry Rollins - Liar

Tool - 46 & 2

Alice in Chains - Them Bones

Mark's Hard Ass Shit:

Shoop – Salt N’ Peppa

Juicy – Notorious B.I.G.

It Was A Good Day – Ice Cube

Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta – Geto Boys

No Diggity – BLACKstreet

Poison – Bell Biv Devoe

Fuck Tha Police – N.W.A.

Straight Outta Compton – N.W.A.

Panic Zone – N.W.A.

Gin and Juice – Snoop Dogg

Brooke's Soft Ass Shit: 

End Of The Road - Boyz II Men 

Master And Servant- Depche Mode 

The Freaks Come Out At Night- Whodini 

Prison Sex- Tool 

Closer - NIN 

Cold Hearted - Paula Abdul 

Beautiful People - Marilyn 

Hooker With A Penis- Tool

Rat In A Cage - Smashing Pumpkins 

Fuck The Police- NWA 

Hurt- NIN 

I Will Always Love You- Whitney

Detachable Penis - King Missle

JB's beats:

https://www.cheatsheet.com/entertainment/candyman-wields-bees-but-tony-todd-rocks-the-beatles.html/

The box office and how summer movie blockbusters have changed from 1996 to today.

Side characters. Studio Notes. We forgot the car chase and the cable car driver!! One liners. Gadgets. 

This isn't a Bond podcast anymore, it's just about Provo in the 90's. Next episode is The Simpsons - You Only Move Twice.

The amazing Kay-B joins us to tell us we're wrong about Goldeneye and it is not a great Bond movie. We break the gender barrier with more women on the podcast than men, which is appropriate for Judi Dench joining as M. She owns this movie. The Best Marketed Movie of 1995. The N64 video game. In defense of Xenia. The deconstruction of Bond. Andy keeps screeching the podcast to a halt. 

The next 3 episodes we're taking a break from Bond to cover:
The Rock
The Simpsons - "You Only Move Twice"
The Saint

And we'll return with Tomorrow Never Dies after that.

This is not a Bond movie, but a response to Bond. Because Sean Connery. How we were all exposed to this movie. The BYU Varsity Cinema editing movies. Cleanflicks.  Melissa kept waiting for Denzel to show up. Mark loves Crimson Tide too!  Brooke's fire alarm goes off! I don't know what Sean Connery is speaking, but it's not Russian. 

Next week is back to Bond and Goldeneye! You can watch it on Netflix!

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We have converts! Danke Bond. Sex Pyramid. Non-latino actors playing Latino characters. 

Great villains. Benecio Del Toro sighting. Is that the one about the hooker with dystentery?

Beating girlfriends. Fridging women. Sharks! RIP Sharkey. We love Pam. Andy loves Law and Order.

An excellent conversation about representation of Latinos in media.

A less impressive discussion about Eon Productions' "bloodless coup" and why they didn't do another Dalton Bond movie.

The semi and stunts. We need Mythbusters episodes on everything in this movie. Electric eels. Pressure chamber head explosion. Perfect circle holes from shotguns. Bad Spanish throwing in. Cyanide capsules.

Theme songs.

Dalton's hair is the Least Valuable Player. The Bond HR department.

Want more darkness behind MI-6.

This movie had lots of crotch shots. 

Poor Felix. 

We need Doug to come in and authenticate this semi stunt.

Stick around after for the Jon Madsen report. Want to leave your own comment and have it end up on an episode? Leave one for us at anchor.fm

Welcome to the cool side of this McDLT, where we have returning champ Melissa, Candice back from her appearance on the Live and Let Die episode, and Doug and Sarah Willoughby from our Moonraker and On Her Majesty's Secret Service episodes.

Mark still hates the movie. Straying from the formula-- old and new Bond don't necessarily mesh. Brad Whitaker is a weak villain. Kara is a weak Bond girl, but is she top 5? Who are the worst? A more nuanced take on her character.

A long discussion on the ferris wheel scene-- trigger warnings for discussions of rape, sexual assault.

Doug's John Rhys Davies story. 

Is this actually the "meh?" side of the podcast? 

Andy is being unfair about loving Lazenby. 

This is an ok James Bond movie. Is Bond a good person? Remember how he founded al Qaeda?

Sean Connery is back! And he should've stayed gone. Returning champ Melissa joins us again.  This is a terrible movie. Why is this movie? and Kevin McClory's ability to remake Thunderball as many times as he wants.  Melissa had to watch it twice.  We remember this movie from our childhood (and other childhood theater-going experiences).  Bad 80's technology. War Games. Mark wouldn't make it into the CIA because he can't play Domination. The terrible theme song. The Bond template. The most Male Gaze-y of any Bond movie. Sean Connery's nipples. Embracing your age and getting better looking. Rowan Atkinson!  Max Von Sydow double feature with Strange Brew. Either/Either? Fatima's overly complex murders. She's the best part of the movie. They took her motorcycle away and gave it to Bond! Bond's pee. Why would Connery want to come back? Why do we even like the Bond movies if there are so many terrible ones. Brooke and Mark try to beat Andy up again about Invisible Man. Sharks! But isn't this just another mediocre white man skating along on reputation rather than actually being good? Men who secretly  like rape scenes in movies. Bond writes the Harvey Weinstein/Matt Lauer book of sexual assault. Thunderball vs. Never Say Never Again: Who did it better? Next week: Top Secret! 

We're joined by Returning Champion Melissa, who used to do a Doctor Who podcast with Mark and Andy! Her Abuelo loved these movies and she has lots of questions about why we would ever like them? We all agree (FINALLY!)-- this one is terrible. When should we cancel movies and creators? Can Melissa have a whip? We talk a LOT about not Octopussy because the movie is bad and makes no sense. Things that are making us happy and other movies, books, and podcasts.

It's Brooke's birthday, so we take a break from James Bond to talk about one of her favorite movies ever. Guesses on what that movie is. No one guessed it. Why we love this movie. What's problematic AF about it. Behind the scenes history. Box office. How we would reboot or remake. What are our other favorite rom-coms? Why don't we make them any more? Why are they not more diverse? 

Brooke is high on sizzurup and you can tell because she liked Moonraker. We're joined by returning champs Sarah and Doug. Everyone in this movie is two opposite things. Why there are letters on mountains in Utah. Brooke REALLY wants to talk about the theme song, but first, skydiving. "Fly Me To the Moon" would've been great. Birds were DEFINITELY harmed in the making of this movie. But her being mauled by dogs was shot so artfully. Enter the Michael G. Wilson. Bringing a wooden sword to a glass room Bond fight.  So many bits.  Chemistry with Dr. Goodhead. The Jaws/Clown head is nightmare fuel. All Latin American countries and people are the same to this movie. FINALLY we get to space. Worst. Space Battle. EVER. Our next episode is a secret!

Christopher Lee, tho. 20 minutes of us fawning over Christopher Lee and then 20 minutes of us hating on Sheriff Pepper.  The AMC Hornet and the slide whistle. Mitt Romney! The women in this movie are horribly written. Nick Nack, tho! Scaramanga has a point that he and Bond are the same, only he's getting paid. Solar energy myths and facts. Every artist in the early 70's who could do a better theme song than Lulu, and a few that couldn't. 

Zardoz! (Content and Trigger Warning for this episode: sexual assault and discussion of rape and assault). We blame Mark for making us watch this. Rape alarm! No, it's just Facetime. Did we see an edited version of this movie? The BYU Cougar Theatre showed edited movies - Did Andy and Brooke see The Hunt For Red October there? This plot is inexplicable, but we try to explain it anyway. Why do you have a magic ring that can show you anything and still have a bad animation of an erection? Tying sex and violence together is bad. Throwing bread at zombies from a rickshaw is a thing in the future, apparently. Could've solved all of these problems if these three had just boned. Did Connery look younger? Weird parallels to The Man With the Golden Gun. 

Andy and Mark take on Derek Flint (James Coburn) in the Bond-inspired spy movies Our Man Flint and In Like Flint.  More Austin Powers connections.  Derek Flint is a Mary Sue. The Mediocre Seven. A long tangent about westerns, James Mangold, and Wolverine. Derek Flint is very American! Batgirl or Lily Munster? Flint vs. Batman '66. Just two dudes deciding whether something is feminist or not. Day of the Dolphin. Still better than Casino Royale. Mark thinks he could kick Coburn's ass. Respect to bouillabaisse accuracy. Look-- it's Hans Gruber! Why is this positive on Rotten Tomatoes? Next up are Live and Let Die, Zardoz and so on with the Moore movies. Lee J. Cobb is the Angriest of the 12 Angry Men. 

George Lazenby - we stan a legend. And we bring in guests Sarah and Doug to talk this movie and cars! The other fellow. Lazenby's history. King of the haymakers. The porn parody. Is Bond Poseidon? No one says no to Diana Rigg. Bond's blonde partner is hopeless. The Int'l House of Allergic Women. Sexism? In a BOND movie? Why does Blofeld care about being a lord? Genealogy - I am doing it! Long skiing sequences. Sarah's guide to surviving a blizzard. Helicopters. A Defense of Little Nelly by Doug. Long bobsled rides. Should Bond cry? Slave contracts. PR tours. 

Welcoming guests old and new-- Roy, JB and now Jon from Your, Mine and Theirs. Why this podcast is called Kiss Your Franchise Goodbye. Star Wars Prequel Talk! Thunderball! What is a thunderball? Why Jon likes Domino. Largo. Gendered guns, swimming. VARGAS! An uncomfortable discussion about underwater sex. Blofeld. Paula. Fiona. Fiona's bike. Andy tries to defend The Living Daylights. Legal intrigue! Warhead 1999! Thunderball's box office.

Andy, Brooke and Mark sing a lot about Goldfinger. Trgger warning for rape and sexual assault. That theme song. A duck? Disposable and replaceable (brown) women. Oddjob's many hats. The return of Wolf Mankeweitz. We love the Masterson sisters. The car. James Bond's magic penis. Now Goldfinger has a hat! He loves GOLD!

Our pilot episode of "Kiss Your Franchise Goodbye" we discuss the history of the Bond films, our best/worst films, Bonds, theme songs, and others. Join host Andy Wilson, Brooke Heym, and Mark De Leon as we begin a discussion of the Bond franchise and what makes it still resonate seven decades in.