Making Polyamory Work
By Libby Sinback
Making Polyamory WorkApr 25, 2023
The Heart Wants What it Wants
Libby offers an uncomfortable but necessary reality check: love alone doesn't conquer all.
Uhauling
Maybe you know the joke, maybe you don't, but showing up for a second date with a uhaul can be risky. In this episode, Libby goes over why she thinks cohabiting during the new relationship energy (NRE) phase might not be the best idea, and what to do instead.
What’s Your Story?
We all carry stories with us about who we are, our place in the world, how others will see us, and what's possible for our lives. Some of these stories are stories we like, some are stories we want to write a new ending to. But did you know that try as you might to change the story, there's an invisible force that may be acting on you that might sabotage your efforts? In this episode, Libby talks about how your very own brain can stop you from changing your story, and some ideas for what you can do about that.
Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780358645597
Juliane Taylor Shore: https://www.cleariskind.com/
Implicit memory and memory reconsolidation: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z
Revoke Your Moral License
Do you sometimes use doing "the right" or "good' things as an excuse to then turn around and do "bad" or "selfish" things? There's a name for this - it's called moral licensing, and it may not just be messing up your goals, but possibly your relationships.
The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonagal: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781583335086
Article on Moral Licensing: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-moral-licensing-means-2017-11
Don't Ask, Don't Tell with Jessica Fern (Part 2)
In Part 2, Polysecure author, Jessica Fern and Libby talk about a very specific arrangement that relates to privacy/secrecy: the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) relationship. Together they discuss why you might want a DADT arrangement, when it can work, and when it might not.
Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023
Privacy, Secrecy, and Transparency with Jessica Fern (Part 1)
Polysecure author, Jessica Fern joins Libby to talk about a much-asked for topic, Privacy, Secrecy and Transparency. Together they share their own experiences, what they've learned, and how they advise people to handle sharing information. It can be tricky, but there are ways to make it easier!
Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023
The Ladder of Accountability
Libby shares one of her favorite tools for owning your ish when you mess up with someone you care about.
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023
What if We Don't Have Sex? With Chaneè Jackson Kendall
Chaneè and Libby answer a question from a listener who identifies as asexual who asked about non-sexual polyamorous relationships. Chaneè identifies as almost-megasexual, Libby identifies as greyace/demisexual, so you can imagine that it is a RICH conversation. They talk about nonsexual partnerships, chosen family, grief, vulnerability and choosing the love that you want for your life. This one is not to be missed!
Amatonormativity: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity
Relationship Smorgasbord: https://www.instagram.com/p/CS9n8mqL4ys/?hl=en
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off):
Find Chaneè on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chaneespeaks/
The Intentional Polyamory Cohort: https://intentionalpolyamory.netlify.app/
Schedule time with Chaneè: https://calendly.com/ChaneeSpeaks
Relational Privilege with Akilah Riley-Richardson Part 2
In part 2 of Libby's conversation with Akilah Riley-Richardson, Akilah shares her PRIDE model for supporting couples who are working to create safety and resilience in their relationships.
Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/
Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/
Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227
Eduardo Duran: Healing the Soul Wound: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1200619
Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/
Relational Privilege with Akilah Riley-Richardson Part 1
In this episode, Libby talks with couples therapist and trauma specialist Akilah Riley-Richardson about relational privilege and how essential it is to create safety in order to find intimacy. (Part 1 of 2)
Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/
Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/
Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227
Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/
Values and Belonging, Part 2
In Part 2 of this episode, Libby shares her journey to getting clear on her values, figuring out how to act within her integrity and how that led her to find her way to true belonging.
Braving the WIlderness by Brene Brown
Southwest Love Fest (Use code "GOSLOW" for a 10% discount)
Values and Belonging, Part 1
Libby introduces a new season of Making Polyamory Work with a very personal reflection on belonging, fitting in, values and integrity.
Coming Out To Your Kids
Libby and Catherine of Expansive Connection answer a listener question about coming out to older kids.
https://www.expansiveconnection.com/
https://www.expansiveconnection.com/enm
https://www.instagram.com/expansive.connection.coaching/
![[Replay] The Holiday Minefield](https://d3t3ozftmdmh3i.cloudfront.net/production/podcast_uploaded_episode400/2296670/2296670-1669094424352-338f90cc13d89.jpg)
[Replay] The Holiday Minefield
Libby reviews some of the biggest challenges that can show up around the holiday season when you're non-monogamous and how to navigate them without exploding an already stressful season.
There's Nothing to Fear
LIbby talks about how important it is to talk about fears with our partners. How we respond when our partner shares a fear with us can make a tremendous difference in how we tend to them and ourselves.
New Information Shock
Libby describes the phenomenon known as New Information Shock and how to handle it when you encounter it in your relationships.
The Most Important Step of Repair
If you want to make a good repair, there's one step that Libby wishes people prioritized more.
Mia Mingus - The Four Parts of Accountability & How To Give A Genuine Apology: https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/12/18/how-to-give-a-good-apology-part-1-the-four-parts-of-accountability/
Repair Episode: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/slow-down-to-break-up?rq=repair
Are You Checking Out or Checking In?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/are-you-checking-in-or-checking-out?rq=checking
Taming Your Whoosh: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/taming-your-whoosh
Dan Siegel Integrated Brain: https://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2019/1/9/the-simple-20-minute-exercise-that-rewires-your-brain-for-happiness-with-dr-dan-siegel
Breadcrumbing and Signposting
One tool that might help you with rocking-the-boat type conversations.
Agreements Are Great
Libby talks about why she likes agreements, what purpose they serve in relationships, and some things to watch out for when making them with your partners.
Why Predicting Future feelings is So Difficult: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200825-why-predicting-our-future-feelings-is-so-difficult
Where Is This Going?
Libby speaks about the Relationship Escalator, and talks about some ways she has found to step off it.
Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: https://offescalator.com/
Solo Poly: https://solopoly.net/
How Do I Know if I'm Polyamorous?
Libby is joined by Multiamory's Dedeker Winston to answer a listener who asks two questions: How do I know if I'm polyamorous? And, how should I go about dating if I'm not sure?
Dedeker Winston: https://www.dedekerwinston.com/
Multiamory: https://www.multiamory.com/
Kathy Labriola's Jealousy Workbook: https://bookshop.org/books/the-jealousy-workbook-exercises-and-insights-for-managing-open-relationships/9780937609637
Food
Libby names the 10th relationship of a modern marriage: Food.
Leave Room in a Crisis
Libby talks about the costs of operating your time, energy, and attention at full capacity by default, and why it's worth considering intentionally having more downtime to recharge and also so that you have some room to push if there's a need or crisis.
Happiness is Other People: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/27/opinion/sunday/happiness-is-other-people.html
One Secret to Happiness: Relationships: https://www.thestatesman.com/lifestyle/75-year-harvard-study-1-scientific-secret-happiness-1503068121.html
Why Your Brain Needs More Downtime: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mental-downtime/
Fuck your Dig Deep Button: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CcibA5bFq0D/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage
Did you know that marriage as conventionally practiced in the 21st century (in a lot of the world at least) is actually like... 9 different relationships. In this episode, Libby explains those 9 relationships, and how what marriage is trying to do is pack a whole village into one other person. She asks the question, what could we do instead that might work better?
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SHOW LINKS
The Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: https://libbysinback.com/rnmc
Know Your Power
How empowered are you in your relationships? Have you stopped to notice where you might be disempowered... or too empowered? In this episode, Libby talks about power dynamics and how important it is to name them if you want to have relationally-empowered partnerships.
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Libby is presenting at Southwest Lovefest Virtual Con April 24th! https://www.swlovefest.com/virtualcon22
Want help creating empowered relationships? Check out the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle. Next cohort starts April 25. https://libbysinback.com/rnmc/
On Drop
Do you know what drop is? In this episode, Libby explains drop, what it is, why it's rough, and what you can do to make it a little easier to deal with.
Veto Happens
The relationship veto is a controversial topic in polyamory circles. Libby talks about what vetoes are, how they can happen without being called a veto, and how they aren't always a bad thing.
Yes Intent Does Matter
"Intent doesn't matter." That statement has cropped up in multiple conversations online and in person over the years. In this epsiode, Libby shares why that simply isn't true, at least not when it comes to a valued relationship.
For Your Mom
In this episode, Libby speaks to parents of adult polyamorous children who may be having a hard time with the idea.
SHOW LINKS:
It's Called Polyamory: https://thorntreepress.com/its-called-polyamory/
When Someone You Love is Polyamorous: https://thorntreepress.com/when-someone-you-love-is-polyamorous/
The Coffee Break Primer on Polyamory: https://adapowers.medium.com/the-coffee-break-polyamory-primer-6c64b4dc53de
This Heart Holds Many, My Life as the Nonbinary Millennial Child of a Polyamorous Family: https://thorntreepress.com/thisheartholdsmany/
The Polyamorists Next Door on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door
Are you Checking Out or Checking In?
One of the most important things in relationship is to act with intention rather than reactivity, but if we're so busy and distracted all the time, it's really hard to slow down enough to do anything but react when we're upset. Libby invites you to ask yourself this question, "Are you checking out or checking in?"
Show Links:
Your Smartphone is Making you Stupid: https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/08/a-sitting-phone-gathers-brain-dross/535476/
Proactive vs. Reactive: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/307309
Smartphone addiction: https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2018/dopamine-smartphones-battle-time/
Tara Brach and RAIN: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/
Doing It in a Group
In this epsiode, Libby gives you her best tips for having awesome sexytimes with groups of 3 or more.
CN: NSFW. Mature content, including explicit mentions of sexual behaviors in this episode. So um, you may want your headphones in.
The Still Face
Libby talks about the effect withdrawal patterns can have on our nervous systems, and how to navigate that if it is showing up in your relationship.
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Asking Needs To Be Okay
"How could she ask for that?" is a phrase I have heard before. It's a phrase I've even said. But I firmly believe, it's okay to ask for whatever you want. The problem lies in whether or not your partner feels like they can say no.
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
This May Be a Bitter Pill
Sometimes in our relationships we reach a point where something needs to change or it just won't work for us. But is that even possible? Or do you have to break up? Libby goes over two losing strategies that a lot of people try when they want something different from their partner than what they're getting, and offers what she believes is a better way to get what you want.
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
When is it Okay to Have a One P*nis Policy?
By listener request, Libby talks about the one p*nis policy and why it's not a great idea (and the one time it's okay.)
CN: language. Libby uses several words for the male genitalia on this episode.
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RECOMMENDED READING For the Love of Men by Liz Plank
The Will to Change by bell hooks
I Don't Wanna Talk About It by Terrence Real
Playing Fair by Pepper Mint
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Getting Closure
In her recent workshop Break Up Better, Libby answers a question from a participant: "How can I get the other person to own their part to help with closure [after a breakup]?"
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The Break Up Better Workshop is still available! You can purchase the recording here: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
The Great Divide with Terry Real
Libby has special guest Terry Real join her on the show to talk about how patriarchy does its work on our relationships, even for those of us who choose to do things differently.
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Terry Real's website: https://terryreal.com
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Sign up for Breaking Up Better: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
A Rule is just a Bad Agreement
Libby blows up the idea that there is any difference between rules and agreements and offers some alternative ways to communicate and negotiate needs in polyamorous relationships.
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Break Up Better Workshop on November 30 at 7:30 PM: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Coming Out
Libby shares her best tips for coming out as polyamorous, mostly hard won through her own coming out mishaps.
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Break Up Better Workshop on November 30 at 7:30 PM: https://libbysinback.com/break-up-better/
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Who's it for?
In this episode, Libby outlines 3 different scenarios in which it's unclear who is the giver and who is the receiver, and how to use a magical tool called the Wheel of Consent to help answer this question.
Betty Martin's website: https://bettymartin.org/
The Wheel of Consent: https://bettymartin.org/videos/
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
The Holiday Minefield
Libby reviews some of the biggest challenges that can show up around the holiday season when you're non-monogamous and how to navigate them without exploding an already stressful season.
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Kathy Labriola on Polyam Holidays: https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/poly-holiday-tips
Elisabeth Sheff on not coming out during the holidays: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201612/poly-the-holidays
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The Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: https://libbysinback.com/rnmc
Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
My Partner is Having a Mental Health Crisis
On this episode, Libby is joined by Mel Cassidy of Radical Relationship Coaching to discuss a question from a listener about how to navigate polyamory when a partner is struggling with their mental health.
Visit Mel on the web: http://radicalrelationshipcoaching.ca/
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Find Libby on the web: https://libbysinback.com
Join the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: https://libbysinback.com/rnmc/
Responding to Shitty Feedback
In this episode, Libby talks about how to respond when someone you love gives you feedback from a hurtful, attacking or otherwise unhelpful place.
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Find Libby on the web at https://libbysinback.com
Join the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle at http://relationalnonmonogamy.com
Sign up for a free coaching session at https://libbysinback.com/apply
The Most Important Phase of a Relationship
In this episode, Libby discusses the 6 phases of relationships, and the one that she thinks is the most important, and most often overlooked.
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Find Libby on the web at https://libbysinback.com
Join the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle at http://relationalnonmonogamy.com
Sign up for a free coaching session at https://libbysinback.com/apply
I'm Baaaaaaack
Discovering Your Queerness
Libby invites her best friend Mara on the podcast to answer a listener who recently discovered they were queer. Libby and Mara what it was like for them to realize you're queer later in life.
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MORE READING FOR YOU:
Bisexual vs. Pansexual: https://www.minus18.org.au/articles/what's-the-difference-between-bisexual-and-pansexual
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Find Libby on the Web: https://libbysinback.com
The Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: http://relationalnonmonogamy.com
Learn more about coaching at http://talktolibby.com
Being Asked to Step Back
This episode welcomes a special guest, Mary Thuell, to answer a listener question about being asked to put her relationship on pause so her partner can work things out in their nested relationship. Mary and Libby share their thoughts and experiences with this situation.
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SHOW LINKS
She's a Polyamorous Sunday School Teacher: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/shes-a-polyamorous-sunday-school-teacher-one-of-those-things-bothered-her-date/2019/04/08/394a1096-4a64-11e9-b79a-961983b7e0cd_story.html
Say Thank You to Your Jealousy
Libby shares one way she likes to handle jealousy - say thank you to it?
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OTHER GREAT RESOURCES ON JEALOUSY
The Jealousy Workbook: Insights and Techniques for Managing Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola
The Jealousy Survival Guide by Kitty Chambliss
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What if My Partner's Other Relationship is Abusive?
Libby invites Shannon Perez-Darby to answer a listener question about what to do when you're in a relationship with someone who is in what appears to be an abusive relationship. CN: abuse, domestic violence
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SHOW NOTES
National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ (or call 1-800-799-SAFE)
Shannon Perez-Darby: https://www.shannonperezdarby.com/
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Nobody Wants to Be a Wet Blanket
In this episode, Libby introduces an unusually effective tool for combatting overconfidence without ruining the fun when you're in the throes of new relationship energy.
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SHOW LINKS
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