Have coffee with me

There is nothing abnormal about having the "holiday blues," which are more like a mood than any sort of lasting condition. Depression, anxiety, and other psychological symptoms are associated with the holidays because this season brings back memories of a happier time in our lives.

Whenever news about a mother is sensationalized or controversial, my readers ask for my reaction. I tell them that I cannot judge on what a parent should or should not do. Like any parent, I made mistakes in the past, learned from them and never did it again. Now the next question comes up with “How do you know whether you are being responsible or irresponsible ?” How do we teach our children what it means and how to act accordingly? Ellen Schrier on “What Exactly IS A “Responsible” Parent?” gave me wonderful insights on parenting without being preachy and calls upon your better judgment, maternal instinct and being honest about your role as a parent/

It is actually simple. Remember these key phrases. To be responsible means to respond appropriately.

It’s quite common to hear oh she is so brave! when the broken-hearted person appears controlled and poised in the face of grief. How is someone supposed to feel when their heart is broken?

And yet we continue to admire those who do not show their grief in public, who receive condolences as though the occasion were a pleasant Sunday afternoon blabber. He was so brave. I was proud of him. He didn’t break down, not once, and so on and so forth…we hear people say.

Really, whose benefit is this tight hold on our emotions? For the griever’s sake? For the sake of the consoling friends, who may be afraid of being swept into their grief?

I learned from my parents. When the girls consulted with me on their college degrees, I said “Do whatever you want. Follow your passion. Because if you are happy in the work that you do, there is no need for me to worry if you will be successful. You will be successful if you’re doing something that you love to do.”

This podcast episode is a departure from my usual post on grief recovery so this will be a public service post. 

I wasn't planning to write about my housing loan experience right after the enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) last year, but I continue to receive queries until today. Because of my Facebook post on accrued interest payments in October 2020, four other clients with a similar experience from the same commercial bank asked me about the process for its reversal, so let me share my experience. (I published the printed version of this podcast at the Sunday Business & IT, Manila Times, August 1, 2021.)

I know I haven't posted anything for over a month. Here are some updates in my life and celebrating my son's 28th birth anniversary. Death ended my child’s life but not his relationship with my family. Even if there is no birthday boy to celebrate his 28 th birthday with, I know that a spritual bond exists between us. As I gaze at the lovely flowers I bought at the Market! Market!, I marvel at God’s creation on the beauty of life. It’s good to be alive and to have survived the past 21 years of this grief journey. True, my son might not be around but his memory lives in my heart. We can still celebrate his birth anniversary at home.

I like looking back to what I wrote back then. Here is an affirmation that I took from my recovery notes:

For too long, I have been hard on myself. Others have spilled their negative energy on me. I know it had nothing to do with me. I am a gift to myself and to the Universe . I am a child of God. I do not have to try harder, be better, be perfect, or be anything I am not. My beauty lies in me just as I am each moment. I will celebrate that.

I will take time to pause, reflect and rejoice in my accomplishments. For too long, I have listened to admonitions not to feel good about what I have done lest I will fall into the arrogance trap. Celebration is a high form of praise of gratitude to God. To celebrate is to delight in the gift, to show gratitude.

Today, I will celebrate the lessons from the past and the love and warmth of friends and family. I will continue to enjoy the beauty of others and their connection to me. I will celebrate all that is in my life and all that is good.

I will celebrate me.

I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

“Grow old with me! The best is yet to be.” Says Robert Browning

Dear Luijoe,

It’s been 21 years . 21 years today…

· without seeing your impish smile,

· without receiving wild flowers with a note “I love you so very much, mama”

· without your gentle reminder to pray

· without your lectures on parenting

· without your crazy jokes

· without pinching your handsome cheeks

These are all vibrant memories now tucked in my heart, which I stitched back together.

Oh yes. the tears still stream down my cheeks just like today because I miss you terribly. Love never died, even if you are gone from my embrace. 21 years ago, I felt the world swallowed me up. I thought I could not live with the unbearable, gut-wrenching pain in my heart. At times, I thought I went crazy. I barely survived. I had to find that courage to live because your two sisters and dad needed me. That difficult journey left me literally with a broken heart but not too broken, because why did God give me a second wind in life to make a difference in this mortal world?.....

Watching Navillera, this heartwarming K-drama tv series reminds me of getting out of my comfort zone. What more can be inspiring than a 70-year-old grandpa trying to learn ballet despite his age? But it’s not only that, this drama will also teach that age is not just numbers, their age comes with knowledge that is based on years of experience.

We are so accustomed to the comforts of “I cannot”, “I do not want to” and “it is too difficult” that we forget to realize when we stop doing things for ourselves and expect others to dance around us, we are not achieving greatness. We have made ourselves weak.” Pandora Poikilos, Excuse Me, My Brains Have Stepped Out

If I tell my daughters that gossiping is bad, am I right? If psychologists inform me that gossip is inevitable and extremely beneficial, are they right as well? Yes, there is good and bad gossip and we need to distinguish the two.

As psychologist James Lynch puts it: “Human dialogue can be a great healer or a great destroyer.”

In my opinion, there should be two separate words to connote spreading information in the absence of those about whom we speak. “Gossip” should be reserved for the negative transmission of stories that aim at maligning one’s character, integrity, behavior and essence. “Godspeak” could serve as the term used for dispensing positive, admiring, loving and positive information about others.

Today, May 5 is our 36th wedding anniversary, but we were a couple for 7 years before our wedding day. That means 43 years together.

But instead of focusing on our wedding anniversary, I want to share the wedding vows of Alma and Mario who share the same wedding date- May 5 with us.  10 years ago, I was honored to be part of their 40th wedding anniversary celebration. We celebrated our Silver anniversary in 2010. Just looking at their photos, one can see that they still look young and very much in love. We have another thing in common. We both lost our beloved child many years ago. It is because of this unspeakable loss of our child that we found each other and co-founded a grief advocacy group in 2005 together with Cathy Babao.

Once upon my early motherhood days, I often deprived myself of nurturing because I found it silly and self-indulgent. Of course, I didn’t know that nurturing is neither silly nor self-indulgent. Years later , after a million mistakes with myself and family members, I found out that nurturing is about how we show love for ourselves. I needed a loving relationship with myself that works so I can have a loving relationship with others that work.

I am not where I am today if I didn’t learn to nurture myself. I wouldn’t have a second wind in my marriage if I didn’t have a loving relationship with myself first. How do I nurture myself?

They say marriage is for better or for worse. Couples try to support and care for each other, through good times and bad. Usually, when one of us hits rock bottom, the other can try to be the mainstay for a little while, to help the other along. But what happens when our child dies? The couple is now cast into the same dark place, struggling with the worst thing they have ever faced. Couples are there together, but they may discover that they are also there alone.

Now not all couples in grief experience this dilemma. I believe that marriages with “wounded bird syndrome” suffer the most. What is the “wounded bird syndrome”?

Who says it is too late to redefine your life? I was 48 years old when I made a decision to choose happiness over misery.

Ever since I changed my attitude towards life, I have never felt so much joy. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that I decided to look beyond the tragedy. I now share that happiness with my husband.

Come to think of it, children are born without baggages. Children are wonderful. It is adults that give them the bad habits. Parents help shape their thoughts and habits in their early years. When I wrote this anecdote, Luijoe was only 4 years old. True, Luijoe was a good boy.

It occurred to me that Luijoe taught me a lot about parenting. Luijoe did not mince words when he found something wrong with my parenting style. I am sure most of you have learned some important lessons from your children. I would like to share some of these poignant memories from my son.

Sometimes I wished I had the power to go back in time and stopped his death. Of course, that is not possible. Those wonderful words he told me weeks before his death is what keeps my faith alive.

Luijoe’s words never fail to bring me hope that we will reunite one day. It gives me the courage to put meaning in my life.

A month before my son died, we had our usual prayers before bedtime; he pointed to the picture of St. John the Apostle which was found in his Rosary Prayer book. I explained Jesus told John to take care and comfort his mother when he dies. Luijoe seemed to be touched by St. John and the following nights, he kept repeating the same question and this time he was asking how John was related to Mother Mary. I found that to be a very deep question, and I just said he was one of Jesus’ apostle.

It was the birthday celebration of my eldest daughter a few days ago. A precious memory of my daughter when she lectured me on my choice of a presidential candidate. Mommies know what is best for their children, but this time, my children knew what is best for them.

For the sake of diplomatic relations , I practice dedma. Is it being a hypocrite? Let’s look at the definition of dedma

1) To completely ignore/feign ignorance of the existence/presence of someone/something.
2) To snub, reject, or toss in the trash.
3) To pretend deafness or blindness in order to escape a sticky situation.

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“Being a 70s child & why today’s youth never had it so good” brings back sweet memories of my youth. Hence, I’ve come up with my own version of the 70’s child. (yes I am that old. High School in 1970

We didn’t have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X boxes, video games , cable TV with over 100 channels , VCR’s, surround sound , cellular phones , computers , online chatrooms, Zoom, cubhouse, Twitter, Facebook,

Instead we, had…

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It takes two to a marriage. I knew I had to take care of myself first and foremost. I had to give myself a second chance. A second chance to be a more loving wife and mother. A second chance to be more financially independent and a second chance to be a better person.

I believe second chances are possible if….

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Words, no matter how eloquent have no bearing when they are not accompanied by gestures. In a relationship, words are important but you cannot depend on them alone. Of course, it feels good to hear your significant other say “I love you,” “you mean the world to me,” “I’ll do anything for you,” “you’re my everything” and so on but if that person constantly lets you down and hurt you, then those words may seem ironic. If you own a podcast, join podmetrics.co by using this code "CoffeeBreak".

The affirmations of Louise Hay helped me in my grief journey. One way to empower the good is through affirmations which are just simple positive statements. I am glad I found her. Sadly, Louise Hay transitioned on August 30, 2017 of natural causes at age 90. She passed peacefully in her sleep. Her affirmations have helped me so much that I would like to share of few of them here. 

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You know it is true love when you have gone through the worse moments in marriage and yet survived and make the love even stronger than it ever was.

It wasn’t all roses, sweet nothings, and icing on a cake type of relationship.

We nearly separated 16 years ago. Grief had overtaken us so much. Our marriage suffered during the first few years after my son died. My husband and I had different ways of coping with our grief. He wanted to talk about Luijoe's death. I preferred to keep quiet and be by myself. This created a distance between us.

In 2005, I packed my bags and muttered goodbye . I couldn’t stand him anymore. I wanted a new life without him.  But...

Instrumental music of "How Deep is your Love", Beegees, by Matthew Anniss Music

How Deep is your Love, Beegees.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” George Bernard Shaw

I caught the George Bernard Shaw quote a few days ago, and it made me reflect back on my life. It is almost 21 years that my son passed away.

I do not recognize myself from the person I was in the past. I am more confident. I appreciate myself more. I have a new life, blogging and advocating social change for social good and recently, a budding coffee producer. I am having the time of my life and feeling beautiful, loved and being loving.

After years of denial, numbing feelings of pain and all sorts of emotions, I finally came true to myself. I learned to take care of myself emotionally through practice and learning new behavioral patterns like. "Acting as if " (see episode 4)

I forced myself into positive recovery behaviors, disregarding my doubts and fears, until my feelings caught up with reality. I am still a work in progress, of course.  Leave a voice message here. https://anchor.fm/momblogger/message

I am not a very religious person but I believe in prayers. I often drop by this quaint little chapel in Eastwood or the one in Greenbelt. See, my children don’t live with me anymore and I worry as most parents do. My only comfort is in prayers as it lessens my anxiety.

My prayers are always for my children: May they be safe, may they be happy, and may they be healthy. Leave me a voice message here. https://anchor.fm/momblogger/message

Today is the birth anniversary of my dad. I miss my dad terribly. My dad outlived two of my brothers, my mom and his grandchild, Luijoe. My sister , Myrna believes that dad’s legacy is his example of strength and perseverance to us, the seven children and eighteen grandchildren. I learned by watching him suffer from the ravages of Stroke, that I should never give up on life, and to hold on to every precious moment with my loved ones, fully aware that, like a candle’s flame, life can flicker out in an instant. His laughter just resonated . Enthusiastic, effervescent, so full of life! Leave me a voice message here. https://anchor.fm/momblogger/message . Your message could end up on a future episode of this podcast if you agree.

I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.– Wayne Dyer

It’s so easy to notice what’s wrong.

It takes practice to see what’s right.

Sometimes, it can’t be helped that I get my dose of negative vibes but I let it go after a while. I don’t let it destroy me. Each day, I ask myself, what’s right and what’s good about other people, my work, my day and my loved ones. Positive energy heals and transforms. I choose positive energy. I try to maintain a positive frame of mind by surrounding myself with positive energy in my life. I usually add the following elements to my life:

"A grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again. Yes, they're going to move forward. But that doesn't mean that they've moved on."

Holly Goldberg Sloan said, "For someone grieving moving forward is a challenge because after extreme loss you want to go back." Unfortunately, we still live in a world where grief is a taboo topic. People who don’t outwardly show grief are said to be ‘strong’ and ‘brave’ while those who show and express feelings are spoken of in derogatory terms such as ‘falling apart’ and ‘going to pieces’ or ‘breaking down’ etc. “She’s not moving on”…In reality the latter are the strong ones, as they don’t care what people think of them.

As with the past 43 Valentine’s Day , my husband and I celebrate it at home. We could not spend Christmas Day together except via Zoom so today, we wore our ugly Christmas shirt when I prepared lunch. Never too late to celebrate love and life. If there is anything I have learned in our 43 years of being together, it is loving myself first. Embrace and love all of myself including past, present and future. I forgave myself and as often as necessary; I talk to myself and list down my good points. I constantly work at loving myself. 

Leave me a voice message here. https://anchor.fm/momblogger/message . Your message could end up on a future episode of this podcast if you agree.

When I look back at my grief journey, the turning point came when I became a blogger. It must have been my angel that touched me that one night. That is why I chose to call my blog, “Touched by an Angel”.

Looking at my first post in 2006, I merely wanted to give hope to parents, siblings and grandparents that there is a new normal after a loss of a child. I did not realize that I  would be touched by my own blog. Being a blogger is my new normal. Sharing the changes in my new normal after the death of a child is one way of reaching out to others. I offer hope that life can still continue on despite the pain and that pain is a wonderful teacher. Never in my wildest dream did it occur to me that this new life without my son would open doors to an even more meaningful life.

Leave me a voice message here. https://anchor.fm/momblogger/message . Your message could end up on a future episode of this podcast if you agree.