Neurodiverse Love-Increasing Understanding...One Conversation At A Time.

During this episode with Thomas Henley, the "Thoughty Auti" we begin our conversation talking about dating challenges and how to better understand how different neurology may have an impact on your dating relationships. If you are in a relationship and would like to skip the dating discussion it starts at about 12:30 and ends at about 35:25.

After we discuss dating, Thomas shares openly and honestly about the following topics:

• Understanding your different communication styles.
• The impact of misunderstanding and miscommunication.
• Using emojis to understand "tone".
• The way different thoughts are expressed and the impact of being direct.
• Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria.
• Being patient and really trying to understand your partner.
• Both partners may feel like they are not heard, understood or validated.
• Alexythymia-difficulty noticing and categorizing your emotions.
• The value of "explaining emotions", not just "expressing" them.
• Difficulty regulating emotions.
• Understanding that it may take your autistic partner a few hours, days or longer to know what they are feeling.
• Cognitive empathy and the challenge with being able to give the response the other person needs.
• If you're invested in your relationship, assume good intentions.
• Saying exactly what you are thinking and feeling with no subtext.
• Being patient, rather then making snap judgements.
• Forgetting that your brains are different in the midst of conflict.
• Understanding intimacy and sensory profiles.
• The challenges of having lots of indirect communication with physical and sexual intimacy.
• Feeling safe to communicate your intimacy needs.
• Mental health challenges can impact intimacy.

• The nuances of dating and on-line apps.
• How the "Pick-Up Artists" are impacting dating.
• Trying to make dating into something logical and scripted.
• Not everyone has the social battery to go out in public, or start conversations with strangers when on dates.

Lilo and Bill offer so many valuable insights and lessons based on the learned experiences they have had before and after Bill was diagnosed as an autist. They have been together for over 30 years, and Bill received his autism diagnosis after more then 20 years of marriage (and lots of challenges they didn't understand).

During this episode, Bill and Lilo share openly and honestly about how they have struggled and persevered in love. Bill spent 24 years in the military and Lilo is an artist, hairdresser, and home-schooled all of her children. They have moved 14 times and through all of the ups and downs of life they have discovered the unique strengths, challenges and differences that have helped them grow and learn about each other in ways they never expected. This episode is filled with lots of laughs and insights that will be helpful for all neurotypes.

The topics we address include:

• Communication challenges and ways to address them
• Asking your partner if they "will" do something, instead of if they "want" to do something
• Marriage is a contest of generosities.
• Being unorthodox and eccentric.
• Understanding how you each "recharge" differently.
• Mr. Spock as a spirit animal?
• When one partner wants a "mute" button for the other.
• Having a "neurostat' for sensory input.
• When strengths may also create challenges.
• Struggles and failure can make us stronger.
• Love is the glue that helps us advance civilization
• Being a learning organism.
• Give up on what's supposed to be a "normal" marriage/relationship and accepting what is.
• Being a life dog, navigator, personal assistant.
• Stop expecting an apple to be a pear.
• Everyone is a swiss cheese person and you need to fill your own holes.
• Texts and emails remove "tone".
• Time limits when discussing emotional issues.
• Rituals and routine.
• When holidays and presents don't have the same value or importance.
• Is it black and white thinking or both non-linear and linear?
• Patience is critical.
• Understanding different perspectives regarding loneliness and time alone.
• The life changing impact of understanding autism.

On Wednesday, September 13, 2023, from 7:30-9:00pm EST, Mona Kay and Sarah Swenson will be co-facilitating a workshop on Zoom titled: "What Can You Live "With"...or "Without", in Your Neurodiverse Relationship". The cost is $25 per individual or couple.

Welcome to Season 6 of the Neurodiverse Love podcast. Three years ago, Mona and Olga started this podcast to share their lived experiences in the neurodiverse relationships that they had that had ended. After exploring the ins and outs of the many relationships they have had with neurodivergent men, they share some of the lessons they have learned and ways in which they have grown. They also discuss the importance of respect, compassion and love for yourself and your partner, and how each can make a difference in how we live our lives, become our most authentic selves, and create emotional safety in our relationships.

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During this episode, Sarah Bergenfield shares a little about the path she and her daughter traveled to discover they are both autistic, and how as a therapist she is helping other neurodivergent individuals and neurodiverse couples as they move forward on their own unique journeys.

Sarah is a Certified Level 3, Internal Family Systems (IFS) Practitioner. She provides information on the value of understanding the “parts” that may have been created as an undiagnosed autistic person. She also shares critically important information about Polyvagal Theory and why it's important to understand what happens when you are in a dysregulated or regulated state, as you are scanning for cues of "safety" or "danger". Sarah also talks about autism being a perceptual disorder and how this impacts the level of input coming in.

Sarah also addresses the importance of understanding your "sensory profile" and how gathering that information can help partners understand which senses are "over" or "under" responsive and how to address each. Sarah also explains how autistic individuals process from the "bottom up' and others process from the "top down". Understanding the way in which you and your partner process the world, can help you both find the "hot spots" in your relationship and work on addressing them with compassion and grace.

Lastly, Sarah talks about how important it is to shift the narratives we have around autism and neurodiversity. She shares a little bit about how she and her husband shifted their narrative around sex. After she began to understand her own sensory profile, then some of the challenges they had experienced began to make more sense. Since there are so many physical aspects of sex (ie: skin, touch, sound, smell, breath, etc.) it can be overwhelming, and when the autistic partner is not engaging in the way their partner may expect, it can feel like rejection to the non-autistic partner. Sarah also provides ideas about how each partner can discuss their sensory needs in a way that increases intimacy.

Sarah ends the episode by discussing the way she has described being autistic... "it's like being a bird flying in a garden and then flying into a window"...more specifically she asks "how can you prepare for a hazard you don't even see?"

If you would like to contact Sarah you can reach her at sarah@thecuriousheart.com or on her website at: www.thecuriousheart.com

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During this episode with Kerry McLeish, you will learn about the 5 types of exhaustion and rest that may be impacting your neurodiverse relationship. You will also understand how to move from exhaustion to a more rested life and learn some ways to create a more healthy rhythm between rest and work.

In addition, you will learn that you can be drained, full or have different capacity depending on what is happening in your life and your relationship. Lastly, stress and exhaustion often go together, so creating a "rest toolbox" that you can turn to whenever you need it is SO important.

The 5 types of exhaustion and rest that are discussed with Kerry are:

• physical
• mental
• emotional
• social
• spiritual

You can reach Kerry at www.restforlife.org or through www.lovingdifference.net

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Dr. Veronica Anderson is a medical doctor and an intuitive who is helping people throughout the world better understand themselves, their partners and other important people in their lives. During this episode, she shares a little about her professional journey and her neurodiverse family. In addition, Dr. Veronica provides information on the impact of the 3 parts of the mind: cognitive, affective and conative. Understanding the conative piece (how we take action when we are free to be who we are) can be a game changer in life and in our relationships.

Dr. Veronica also shares information about the 3 I's that impact our life and our relationships: Instinct (how you take action and how you do things); Imprinting (the first 7 years of your life are "imprinted" on to you and this attracts you to a particular type of person); Intuition (understanding your energy and spiritual DNA).

Dr. Veronica also talks about the Kolbe Assessment and how it helps us understand more about ourselves and the 4 types of people that may be in our lives professionally and personally, and how understanding more about the strengths (and potential challenges) of communicating and working with each type can impact your life. The 4 types include: Fact-finder; Follow-through; Quick Start; and Implementer.

Dr. Veronica also talks about the work she does around "Human Design" and the importance of understanding the 5 types of Human Design. She shares information about how each type has an important and valuable place in the world and how they may impact the way in which you show up in relationships and in your life, so that you can live with purpose and in a way that is alignment with your energy.

Dr. Veronica also shares the results of Mona's Kolbe Assessment and Human Design and each described Mona perfectly!

Understanding how your brain is wired and learning who you are, so you can BE IT is critical! In addition, a lot of the information shared during this episode can help partners understand themselves and each other.

If you are interested in learning more about the Kolbe Assessment and Human Design, and would like to work with Dr. Veronica you can reach her at: www.drveronica.com

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During this episode with guest co-host Dr. Bronwyn Wilson, we talk about what it looks like to find the "Goldilocks Zone"...the "just right" for neurodiverse couples and what might be preventing couples from finding the path towards thriving in their relationship, including:

• The importance of both partners accepting the autism diagnosis, or self identification.
• Denial can lead to relationship breakdown.
• Both partners need to be committed to change and recognize the positives in the relationship.

• What it looks like when one partner is the "social secretary".
• The importance of "accepting" help.
• Creating a more regimented relationship and a new normal.
• Why positive comments are sometimes seen as critical.
• Intent-vs-impact.
• Catastrophizing and anger rumination.
• Looping thoughts and repetitive behaviors.
• Trauma responses can impact your communication styles.
• Bullying and abusive behaviors.
• Deserved justice or "an eye for an eye".
• Depression can impact negativity.
• The "Surviving Zone" includes living separate lives, not dealing with problems, loss of pleasure, depression, and saying yes and doing no.
• Neurodiverse relationships may look different and that is okay!
• A formula to thrive in a neurodiverse relationship: 1) Both partners be willing to accept and learn about the diagnosis or self-identification; 2) Be willing to gain knowledge of neurodiversity and understand each other's differences; 3) Have a constructive mindset; 4) Understand that "typical" counseling will never suffice; 5) Be motivated to learn about, nurture and support each others individual needs.

• During this episode we talk about abusive behavior and if you are in an abusive relationship and need help, please contact the Domestic Violence Hotline in your country. In the United States the hotline number is: 800-799-7233

I want to thank Dr. Bronwyn Wilson for sharing her research, lived experience and knowledge on the Neurodiverse Love podcast. Her research has helped many people better understand themselves, their partners and their relationships. I am hopeful that the results of her many years of work will lay the foundation for many more researchers to work with autistic individuals, allistic/neurotypical individuals and neurodiverse couples around the world who are looking for ways to thrive in their relationships. When we know better, we can do better!

As we work together, we can increase understanding of the needs, strengths and challenges that all neurotypes may have and this can lead to more acceptance, compassion and grace for the way we each want to live our best, most authentic lives!

During this episode, Katie Zitterbart shares a little about her neuro-spicy journey and the importance of double empathy and neuro-spicy embodiment and sexual health. In addition, we discuss:

• The importance of understanding the perception of others.
• Discerning between neuro-spicy traits and the impact of CPTSD.
• The autistic brain is "bottom up" and the allistic brain is "top down".
• "A felt sense of yes" is an invitation for self exploration,
• Pattern recognition and how meaning happens.
• Examples of some of the different types of synesthesia (where stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to involuntary experiences in a secondary sensory or cognitive pathway.)
• Aphantasia is being "blind inside" and not having the ability to create mental imagery.
• The value of achieving more nervous system capacity.
• Creating rituals and scripts.
• Understanding the autists sense of social justice.
• Being right and when it matters.
• The relationship between connective tissue and emotional body dysregulation
• Hypermobility and autism.
• Starting from a place of safety and security

• You can contact Katie about her work in somatics, sound healing or sexual health at: www.kayteezee.com

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If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please email her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. If you would like to subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love newsletter go to: www.neurodiverselove.com

You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love

During this episode, Mona is joined by Heather Parks and Natalie Roberts from the Loving Difference online community. Heather and Natalie have been on the podcast numerous times and they were both amazing presenters at the 2023 Neurodiverse Love Conference. On this collaborative episode, the conversation focuses on three myths that may be the source of some of the challenges you and your partner are experiencing in your neurodiverse relationship:

Myth #1) Neurodiversity is the problem that makes all differences more pronounced.

Topics discussed include: The importance of self-awareness and reviewing your own patterns; adaptative strategies to armor up; expectations and beliefs we have about romantic relationships; the impact of stress from "unknown neurodiversity" and "unhealthy" relationship patterns; the importance of understanding the potential impact of childhood wounds and nervous system dysregulation; the importance of the mind/body connection; creating space between the stimulus and our reaction.

Myth #2) Thinking you need to leave or you need your partner on board to change things.

Topics discussed include: knowing your needs, preferences, tolerances and values; the impact of losing touch with yourself; getting clarity of thought and having healthier responses; the impact of other peoples nervous systems on you; reducing your own reactivity; getting in touch with yourself and your own happiness; restoring your choice and autonomy.

Myth #3) If I do self-care and more things on my own, then things will get better.

Topics discussed include: you have to fill the holes in your own bucket, not just focus on self-care; we all need good boundaries; take time to heal; determine what strategies need to change; understand your triggers and find better ways to handle them; get clarity about your needs (even if it's uncomfortable); there may be more separation in your relationship as changes occur; find ways to re-connect with your partner and revitalize your relationship; reduce "negative intimacy"; heal past hurts; find solutions; masking may have meant you don't know yourself or your partner.

Please Remember: Your neurodiverse relationship may look very different from other people's relationships...and that's okay!!!

You can reach Heather and Natalie at www.lovingdifference.net or on their websites at: www.natalieroberts.com and www.heatherparks.co.uk. You can also check out their podcast "Myth Busting Neurodiverse Relationships" wherever you listen to podcasts.

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If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please email her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. If you would like to subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love newsletter go to: www.neurodiverselove.com

You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love

For more then 20 years, Dr. Kenneth Roberson has been providing therapy for both autistic individuals and neurodiverse couples and he also conducts ASD assessments.. During this episode he shares some of the topics he discusses with clients to provide support and guidance for autistic clients who want to have successful dating experiences. Some of the topics addressed include:

• The importance of focusing on and using your individuals strengths in the dating process (ie: kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty)
• Focus conversation on areas of mutual interest.
• Become aware of the triggers that may lead to a meltdown and avoid going to places that may lead to triggering reactions.
• Understand your sensory sensitivities and plan a date that will be sensory friendly. Make sure the place you are meeting works for both of you.
• Don't try to be something you 're not and exhaust or overwhelm yourself.
• Pace yourself. Socializing requires a lot of energy and you may have to recharge your social battery.
• Be patient with the dating process. It takes time to get to know someone and for them to get to know you.
• Ask thoughtful and relevant questions without making the conversation an interview.
• To show interest, respect and to make a connection, you may want to prepare some questions before the date.
• Trust your suspicions, if something or someone seems "off" you can leave the date or end it.
• Think about and get clear about what you want in a partner before you begin dating.
• You may want to ask friends to help you write an online dating profile, as they may help you recognize some of your strengths that might be important in the dating process.
• Determine if you want to share some of your autistic traits on your dating profile, or if you want to state that you are autistic and share what that means for you and what you are looking for in a partner.
• Meeting for something casual for a first meeting...like a cup of coffee or a walk, instead of a formal date.
• Fear of rejection during dating is normal. People will get rejected and ghosted. Each time it happens we have an opportunity to learn and grow and move forward to find someone who is a better fit for us.

You can contact Dr. Roberson by email at: dr.roberson@kennethrobersonphd.com or check out his website at: www.kennethrobersonphd

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If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please email her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.

If you would like to subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love newsletter go to: www.neurodiverselove.com

This is the last episode with one of the Season 5 guest co-hosts, Greg Fuqua. During this episode, we address a topic from a listener who wanted to explore the way we often look at emotional differences in a neurodiverse relationship as either “logical” or “emotional”. She suggested that maybe it would be helpful to change the way we describe emotional responses and consider using terms like “expressive” or “inexpressive”. To expand this concept further, Mona and Greg discuss how some of us are taught to believe that we are “too much” or “too emotional” and that can lead to hiding our emotions, or becoming less expressive in our relationships. In turn, two unique individuals who come together in an intimate relationship don't always have the tools and foundation to connect with each other emotionally, bridge their differences, and understand each other's way of expressing emotions. Unfortunately, when we get stuck in using stereotypical ways to describe emotions in neurodiverse relationship we don't get to fully understand our partners. Greg talked about how "compassionate inquiry" may help both partners better understand each other's emotions, feelings, and state of being. Dr. Gabor Mate developed the "Compassionate Inquiry" psychotherapy approach, which reveals what lies beneath the appearance we present to the world (for more information on this approach check out: www.compassionateinquiry.com). Greg also shares how he and his wife "attune" and connect with each other by creating rituals of "safe conversation" and he shares how they implement this process.

We also discuss:

• Healthy internalization versus toxic externalization
• The value of creating bridges around differences and getting out of the blame and shame mode.
• Relationship trauma
• The value of using the term "allistic" instead of neurotypical
• We all haves "parts" of us that hold wounds from childhood.
• The importance of "emotional ownership" and not being responsible for your partner's emotions
• Why "double empathy" is so important and the value of understanding each other's "whys".
• We all have different ways of perceiving, responding and processing.
• Why the most powerful and important traits in a relationship may be having a "growth mindset" and an "open mind"

We wrap up the episode with a conversation about how having a child and parenting can dramatically change a neurodiverse relationship and some of the things we have each have learned as parents in a neurodiverse relationship.

Thanks to Greg for being a guest co-host on the podcast and for sharing so much important information with the world. It has been a pleasure to have had so many important conversations together and I hope that the listeners have benefitted from our different perspectives, lived experiences and the lessons we have learned on our respective journey's.