We've Got No Idea What We're Gonna Say
By Nick Murphy
We've Got No Idea What We're Gonna SayMar 08, 2021
Incestuous Wangs (5-5)
Although we have no idea what we're gonna say, this episode has a sense of inevitability. You get Rachel Woollett as a guest. Sooner or later, the topic of discussion will arrive at incestuous wangs. Listen to find out how, why and who with! We did discuss other things but incur world, nothing beats wangs.
Rife with Ablutions (5-4)
Let's all enjoy Ben and Nick having recorded an episode in mid 2020 and then sitting on it for over six months. Why would they do this? There must be a plan. A bigger picture. Some clandestine motive. Nope. They're idiots. But idiots who talk and amuse.
Apocalips Wow (5-3)
Listen with even more sheer excitement than you've ever felt before as Ben and Nick record a podcast without actually being together.
Pandemics mean less touching. But they don't mean less aural loveliness! Enjoy. Then enjoy again!
Four Women, One Cup (5-2)
After so many years of shame and despair, Ben and Nick finally reach their 50th episode of We've Got No Idea What We're Gonna Say. How to celebrate this milestone? They asked some lovely ladies to be guests on the show and made the episode longer than usual!
And they didn't slapped or punched? Something went very right!
Huge thanks to the always fabulous Nicole See, Jody Silveston, Vicky Hoyles and Sasha Stoddard.
The Thighs of Skywalker (5-1)
After series 4 was spread over 4 years(!) Ben and Nick have committed to a more regular show once again and they storm back into your ears with series 5. Recorded last January and released right now. Enjoy their honest review of Star Wars 9, their thoughts on Trump, Star Trek and Greetings Card Shops. If you thought you never needed this in your life. Think again. And again.
Season 4 is Terminated (4-12)
As season four draws to a close, we remember all those good times over the whole season of 12 episodes.
Who'd have thought, when we started season 4 just five years ago, that the end would come so soon.
Here's to the future. And season 5. And the Terminator movie sequels.
Sweets for My Sweet (4-11)
Ben and Nick get sticky and sugary while maintaining proper oral hygiene
If you've ever wanted to know what Nick found on a Chess Grandmaster's computer or what Ben got up to at University, then listen and learn my beautiful friends, listen and learn!
Stick a Finger Up It (4-10)
The boys are back, with the tenth episode of series four of their awarded non-winning podcast.
We discuss castings, we discuss hotels, and we suprise Adam Jenkins by speaking to him.
Chessington World of Prize (4-9)
Live (not dead) from the South Wimbledon Studios, Ben & Nick are back with more insights into the world.
If you want to hear about Donald Trump, training Priests, and animals with eyes - you've come to the right place.
You may regret it, but it is the right place...
Unexpected Grievances with Taylor Swift, Beyoncé and Benedict Cumberbatch * (4-8)
*Guests may or may not actually be appearing*.
Ben and Nick are excitedly presenting from their brand new South Wimbledon studios, and discuss the state of the world, Philosophy, and why Nick holds a grudge.
The Trustworthy Brothers (4-7)
Ben and Nick are back, and are spreading their brand or trustworthiness to another amazing podcast.
Nick talks about passwords, but don't let that put you off.
Ben talks about his love of the board game Stratego, but don't let that turn you on.
Peeing in the Deadpool (4-6)
In a nod to the late (not dead, just unpunctual) great Barry Norman, Ben & Nick talk about all the crazy things they get up to.
LIke going to an early evening viewing at the cinema. Or complaining about kids nowadays.
Party on everyone. Party on...
It's Not Worth-ing It (4-5)
Because pre-recording the podcast means less work for them, Ben & Nick pre-recorded a large portion of this podcast.
Ben was performing in Cinderella in the seaside town of Worthing over Christmas 2015, and we interviewed some of the poor people who had to appear on stage beside him.
Ben & Nick are joined by the fabulous Matt Evers & Mark Read, then the wonderful Camilla Sacre-Dallerup.
Nick did nothing special all Christmas.
Milk & More Dogging (4-4)
Ben and Nick use the power of the internet and time-travel to combine a new podcast with a previous podcast guest!
Kylie Butler brings her breasts into our Trafford Centre studios, and we'd like you to listen to those breasts.
Weirdy or Beardy (4-3)
Ben and Nick moved in together, and it all went quiet. Too quiet.
What the hell are they up to..?
...Well - Nick grew a beard, and Ben didn't want to.
That's about it.
I'll Off-White (4-2)
A little more than one year after the original recording, Ben & Nick present their podcast live from the Isle of Wight Festival 2013. Amazing event, awesome star guests, and quite a lot of booze.
Here they come, direct to your ears!
In the words of Martin Luther King:
"Ben and Nick have made it to Season 4 of their podcast"
He was a bit weird like that.
He had a dream though.
So did we.
It made us cry.
This is our podcast about it.*
*This episode is in fact a normal podcast interview with comedian Joe Pasquale, and has nothing to do with dreams or Martin Luther King.
Team WGNI (3-12)
2012 was a great year for Britain. The Diamond Jubilee, the Olympics, and in honour of all that makes Britain great, we offer up this podcast.
For Britain. For Her Majesty. For the Glory.
Oh, and it's three months late.
The Drunkcast (3-11)
We've talked about it, and now it happened.
We were drunk. We're sorry.
Shattered Bonds (3-10)
When looking for a hot girl to return to the cosy space between Ben & Nick, who better than Lainy Scott?!
She's funny, attractive, good to chat to, and likes football. In many ways she's the perfect woman.
We quite like her.
Having finally escaped from his restraining device on the end of the phone line, Adam Jenkins rushes to join his old comrades-in-alms Ben & Nick.
The first ever RETURNING studio guest returns and is funny. Then we started recording him and it all went right.
Cereal Killers (3-8)
When two boys in the prime of their life are left alone, with the whole of London at their doorstep, a world of possibilities just moments away - what do you expect will happen? Drunken debauchery? Drug-fuelled hysteria? Catatonic guilt-free sex with multiple partners?
No, they discuss their favourite breakfast cereal.
Voice Males (3-7)
Is there a more heavenly, ethereal sound than two idiots talking? Of course there is.
However, returning to their roots (with a bottle of hair dye) Ben & Nick sit down in front of a microphone: Scriptless. Guestless. Witless.
Be Manic (3-6)
Some said it would never happen. Some said it could never happen. But around ELEVEN YEARS after their groundbreaking show "A Musical Showcase", the team behind the original "Be Manic Productions" are reunited to the delight of their millions of fans.
Oh, and Ben, Mandi and Nick recorded a podcast as well.
The Poisoned Challis (3-5)
No, we haven't gone (more) mental. But we have been joined by legendary actor John Challis, from such shows as "Only Fools & Horses" and "The Green Green Grass".
Not only that, we're in Weston-super-Mare. It literally (and figuratively) doesn't get any better than this...
The Buttocksfly Effect (3-4)
Just like the well known "Butterfly Effect", if you listen to this podcast, chaos will happen.
Chaos in Cromer (3-3)
Just when you thought that seaside towns in Norfolk were quiet and serene, it turns out - you are right!
Of course, when Ben & Nick tried to record a podcast live from backstage at the Pavilion Theatre on Cromer Pier, things turn from awful to worse, and then a bit better, and then much worse. Then we started the recording.
Salt of the Earth (3-2)
Ben & Nick ask you to give them a lick, to share in their salty goodness.
If you have ever loved Rusty Lee or Mr Motivator; or hate Adam Jenkins; this is the podcast for you...
History Repeating (3-1)
You begged, you screamed, you wailed and gnashed your teeth - but we still started a new series!
And if you don't like that joke, there's a whole host of hilarious ramblings this episode that you may not approve of either. (but if you don't like us, maybe new regular guest Adam Jenkins will make you happy)
Father Than We've Ever Gone Before (2-12)
A dark dark day dawns on Earthville, as Season Two of WGNI draws to a close.
We've run out of people that aren't related to us, so Ben's Dad pops into the WGNI studio for a drop of tea and some light dirty-talk.
WGNI will be back. Oh yes....
Lie To Me (2-11)
Season Two is drawing to a close, which may make you sad. Thankfully we have the incredibly attractive Lainy Scott in the studio to make us happy!
Within minutes of her arrival, we were alluding to penises. This is the effect she has on us... :)
WGNI returns (from an unplanned hiatus) with a bang, as Tyler Fayose brings his own special brand of magic, and his dusty lamp, and his painted boobs, and his scary accents to the WGNI studio. You might have been waiting a long time - but BY ALL THAT IS WARM AND FLUFFY - it was worth it!
Playing Ketchup (2-9)
We have all had dealings with prostitutes, so we got star of children's tv Hi5, Luke Roberts to tell us about them. I think you'll be surprised with his knowledge and experience.
Whatever you do in life, think "What Would Luke Roberts Do?"
Milk & More (2-8)
We knew we needed something. We knew we needed liquid. White liquid. Squeezed from a cow's udder. We knew this.
But something was missing... It wasn't enough... We felt a gaping hole inside our souls...
Kylie Butler filled our hole.
Ben's Dangerous Area (2-7)
The WGNI studio is filled with fun, after the arrival of star of Children's Television and Shotgun Impro - Jonny Freeman.
Jonny was hirsute, Nick was adroit, Ben was dangerous....
Idiots Behaving Badly (2-6)
Just when you thought that Ben & Nick were the most famous people you'd ever heard on the internet - something ridiculous happens...
Live from backstage at the Derby Assembly Rooms, Ben & Nick are joined by star of stage, screen, and pantomime: Neil Morrissey!
If you thought that hearing Ben & Nick talk to people you never heard of was good - you'll probably think the same this time.
Christmas Boobs (2-5)
In a first for WGNI, Ben and Nick are joined not by one slamming hottie - but TWO!
Friends and comedy partners Fi & Vi jet in from the USA to join friends and comedy partners Ben & Nick who have jetted in from Essex.
It's Christmas time, and who wouldn't want Fi & Vi under their Christmas Tree..? Meanwhile, Ben and Nick try on Christmas stockings...
[Originally broadcast 23/12/2010]
By the Hard Skin of Our Teeth (2-4)
Dave Jackson-Mayo sweeps aside all stereotypes that people with double barrelled names are not funny. He also sweeps streets to make ends meet, but he has has yet to be successful, as his ends flop around quite amusingly.
Your ears have never had it this good...
[Originally broadcast 13/12/2010]
Heroes & Villains (2-3)
Live from the New Players Theatre, in Charing Cross' "New Players Theatre"; Ben and Nick sit outside the girls toilets for twenty minutes.
Luckily, the megastar sex-bomb living-legend that is Rosalind Blessed sits between them, and mops up their drool.
She may well be the most awesome person we know.
[Originally braodcast 16/11/2010]
The Walk of Shame (2-2)
The average level of attractiveness in the WGNI studio sharply rises for 20 minutes, with the arrival of the one and only Louise Henry.
From humble beginnings on Cromer Pier, she's scaled the showbiz world to be only the second person to force themselves into the tight space between Ben and Nick.
You'll laugh, you'll cry, Louise did both.
[Originally broadcast 01/11/2010]
The Flood of Tears (2-1)
In an historic move, series two begins with a new person in the WGNI studio.
Ben and Nick share bodily warmth with the living legend that is Adam Jenkins.
Adam regrets knowing us.
[Originally broadcast 22/10/2010]
The End (or is it?) (1-12)
Ben and Nick approach the end of everything with despair and terror. Then, something happens that makes it all better.
Or does it??
Midnight Train to Norfolk (1-11)
Ben & Nick are leaving,
On that midnight train to Norfolk,
And they're goin' back
To a damper place and time.
And I'll be with them
On that midnight train to Norfolk,
I'd rather live in their world
Than live without them in mine.
Hope, Love and Death (1-10)
Ben and Nick hope you love them. And please don't die.
Home is Where The Arse Is (1-9)
Ben has returned from Norfolk to join Nick in creating beauty for your ears.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but we say, beauty is in the ears - and you can "be-holding" us any way you like...
Diamond Geezer (1-8)
Ben and Nick are the loveliest idiots this side of a place with lovlier idiots.
They talk and talk and talk, and never prepare what they're going to say. They do exactly what it says on the tin.
The question is where did they get a tin that says "Ben and Nick talk and talk and talk and never prepare what they're going to say" anyway?
Sunday Sport (1-7)
Ben and Nick have an uncanny and at times breathtaking ability to extemporise with alarming perspicuity on the particular zeitgeist.
They also tell knob gags.
Glass Half Empty (1-6)
Ben and Nick are now world-renowned for their deep and meaningful. Universal lauded as two of the countries brightest.
Here are things they say to each other, in the privacy of their own internet…
The Road to Hell (1-5)
The fifth installment of Ben and Nick, saying words. Topics include driving, cereal, and the secret to a happy life.
Listen to it and you will have a Happy Life*.
*happy life not guaranteed.
Bring Back Nick Ross (1-4)
The fourth installment of what goes on between the ears of Ben & Nick is ready for the world to hear. Listen to it. Go on. Please.
Fruit of Our Loins (1-3)
Again, Ben and Nick speak whatever comes out of their mouths. Occasional genius. Occasional drivel. You decide!
Ben and Nick can't help spouting more of whatever comes into their heads!
The Beginning (1-1)
Ben and Nick start talking right here for your amusement and enjoyment.
NB - amusement and enjoyment not guaranteed!