On The WetCoast Podcast

On this episode of On The Wet Coast Kat & Flick talk to author and sex educator Kevin Patterson about representation of sexuality and relationships in media.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast Kat & Flick talk to Psychologist Dr. Liz Powell about the challenges of re-entering the dating and sex game after more than a year of pandemic living.

The most common question I get when talking about expressing needs during sex is, "Doesn't it wreck the mood?" As infuriating as I find it, I know it's not the fault of the person questioning since they can't help but have learned the lesson that any discussion is a mood-killer.

From the first love scenes we ever see on screen our culture indoctrinates us with the idea that sexytimes should just 'flow'. There's no discussion of who might want what or how but somehow if we're doing it right, there's a telepathic link between the couple that means everyone just 'knows'.

Expressing our needs and wants, as well as negotiating and communicating ongoing consent, don't fit into 'the flow' narrative, and while many of us have decided to re-write the rules of what constitutes a committed relationship, we're still resistant to throwing out the myth of 'The Flow'.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and Kat Stark discuss the toxic myth of "The Flow" and how more talking can mean better sex.

Our sex-negative culture pushes us to repress and feel shame about our sexuality or lifestyle. Stepping out of the shadows and telling your story becomes an important act of rebellion.

There are risks involved in telling your story. More than just the frowning disapproval of judgy relatives at holiday dinners, living an openly atypical life can lead to risks to employment, housing, medical care, and child custody. This is why it's doubly important that those who can live out loud do since their open existence is a powerful 'fuck you' to the status quo.

Our guest today has been openly flipping off the establishment for more than 25 years since beginning the magazine 'Pucker Up' shortly after finishing college. She continues to do so as she works on a memoir telling her story from childhood through to her relationship with her father as he battled AIDS in the early years of the epidemic.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and Kat Stark are joined by Tristan Taormino to discuss her upcoming (as yet untitled) memoir and to talk about Telling Your Story as Resistance.

Tristan Taormino is an award-winning author, sex educator, speaker, and media maker. She is editor of 25 anthologies and the author of eight books on sex and relationships including Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. She is founder of The Open List, a list of professionals (therapists, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, consultants, relationship and life coaches, doctors, lawyers, etc.) who are experienced and knowledgeable about alternative sexuality and lifestyles, including open relationships, polyamory, and non-monogamy. She is the host of the long running podcast Sex Out Loud. 

One of the most exciting things about non-monogamy can be the novelty of new adventures and new people in our lives. At the same time, one of the many sources of stress in our world is an excess of choice. How can we make the right decisions with so many options as we try to decide who to date, who to make advance plans with, and/or who to hook up with at play parties or the swinger club?

Due to that excess of choice we're often looking over our shoulder to see if there's anything else/better coming along rather than focusing on being where we are and who we're with. The FOMO  - Fear Of Missing Out - can make it that we're not able to be present in the moment and we don't ever truly enjoy the experience we're currently having.

We can also get so caught up in comparing what we have with what others have that we never really appreciate the experiences we have and the people we have them with.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and Kat Stark are discussing Novelty, Being in the Moment, and Gangbangs.

There's a certain art to crafting the right kind of message to convey what we're feeling via characters on a screen. Since so much of modern communication is done on said screens it can be a lot of work figuring out your personal style and mode of messaging. 

Non-monogamous people spend extra time communicating with multiple partners in multiple forms, from the simple 'good morning' to setting up dates to having sexy chat time to talking about challenging feelings and even breaking up.

Without audible tone or nonverbal cues, it can sometimes be hard to convey your thoughts or truly understand what someone else is saying to you via text message so today On The Wet Coast Kat Stark and Flick Morrison are discussing Texting, Sexting, and Messaging.

Accountability and Consent can feel like the least fun topics to discuss when it comes to sexy lifestyles but when we really focus on building these factors in a way that lets go of the definitions used by the justice system and focuses on the subjective experiences of the parties, our kink and sexytimes can be much more fun.

In an era of social media call-outs, it might feel risky to take part in activities where consent factors strongly, which means quality negotiations and being accountable to the consent rules of others (as well as our own) are more important than ever.

It's always a bummer when dates don't go as planned or don't happen at all. There can be all kinds of reasons why things don't turn out as you'd hoped from unrealistic expectations, lack of connection, poor communication, uncooperative bodies, life circumstances, or just plain not being in the mood.

Bouncing back from a disappointing date is an important skill in non-monogamous dating. More dates definitely makes for more opportunities for disappointment so we need to get comfortable learning from these experiences and figuring out how to have things go better the next time.

I'm Kat Stark, and on this Episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and I will be discussing Disappointing Dates. We'll share some of our own experiences and what we did to get back into the swing of things after some less than ideal experiences.

It's no secret that On The Wet Coast, we love our sex toys. Using those toys for strap-on sex is one of our favourite ways to engage with partners, or watch our partners engage with others. Though in some ways it is as simple as popping a dildo in a harness and getting to work, strap-on sex tends to be a bit more nuanced than we expect when starting out.

Finding the right equipment, the right harness and dildo combinations can be more challenging than we expect, especially since what is right for one partner or act isn't so right for another. And positioning yourself as the thruster as well as finding the right position for your receiver can be incredibly awkward, especially at first.

I'm Kat Stark, and on this Episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and I are discussing Strapping It On. We've got lots of tips and suggestions to help you get up and thrusting and feeling like the sexual rock stars you are.

We're always told that confidence is sexy, but how do we find the confidence to be our true sexual selves? How do we embrace our bodies and our kinks so we can enjoy the kinds of sex we desire?

Finding the confidence in ourselves while living in a society that is all about tearing us down is incredibly challenging. Figuring out how to put ourselves out there as confident sexual beings is a lot more difficult than simply deciding to do so.

Learning to get comfortable with awkwardness is one of the keys to sexual confidence, another is knowing that just about everyone else out there feels the same way as you do. Learning to shake off negative body thoughts and embrace the things that you bring to the table can help. Listening to tips from the smartie we're talking to today is another great way to build that confidence. 

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Kat Stark and Flick Morrison discuss sexual confidence with the extremely fabulous Luna Matatas.

Finding your people can be one of the most important things you do as you make your way in the world, and when you find them, it feels like coming home. Feels like family. Many of us have found a group or groups of people we consider to be family. Chosen family as opposed to biological or family of origin can be essential especially for those of us in alternate lifestyles.

The people we end up sharing our lives and experiences with can be extensive--not just our partners and close friends, but their partners, our former loves, casual sex friends, and fellow pervs and kinksters can make up our chosen family. They’re the people we can truly be ourselves with, maybe for the first time ever.

Much like our families of origin, however, there can be issues within our chosen family. We’re not always going to love the people our people love and may end up spending time with those we wouldn’t choose to on our own. And when relationships end, the devastation and loss can be amplified since we sometimes lose an extended network of people because we’re no longer connected with the partner that was the nexus between us.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and Kat Stark are discussing chosen family.

Figuring out how to express our interest in someone can be one of the most challenging things in dating, especially if we find them really attractive, fun, or interesting. What do we say? What if they're not into it? Why is it so hard to express ourselves in a fun, clear, non-creepy way?

If what everyone we know reports about themselves is true, no-one is good at flirting. How the hell are any of us hooking up if this is a skill no-one has?

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Kat Stark & Flick Morrison are joined by Marcia Baczynski, master of the art of asking for what you want and dedicated flirt who is here to share her humour, wisdom, and creativity in how to navigate the world of flirting.

Since the passage of FOSTA/SESTA in the US, sexual content on the internet has been progressively quashed, starting with shutting down places sex workers could advertise but flowing forward until Tumblr was all but shuttered when they were no longer allowed to have sexual content.

Various agencies drop the scare words ‘sex trafficking’ and the changes are made under the guise of protecting the vulnerable but has had the opposite effect by forcing many sex workers onto the streets and taking away the resources they used to have to vett and screen clients.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and Kat Stark chat with Carrie Hill, a sex worker activist and professional dominant (among many other things) who is here to talk to us about Why Sex Work Matters and how the rules and restrictions around sex work will affect your life more and more.

Our desire for sexual experiences--both solo and with a partner or partners--fluctuates for countless reasons. Stress, fatigue, hormones, depression, body image, and connectivity are just a few of the things that can affect a person’s libido.

Since we live in such a sex negative society talking about negative impacts on libido are considered frivolous since sexuality isn’t considered to be a worthwhile measure of quality of life. It’s also not stressed that we connect and partner with people who share similar libidos to ours since sexual compatibility is a shallow and selfish measure of relationship quality.

Today On The Wet Coast, Kat Stark & Flick Morrison talk about our Libidos, figuring out how they work, working with others to get on the same page desire-wise (or at least same chapter), managing our relationships when our libidos aren’t where we want them to be, and tips to find a way back to our sexy selves.

If you're lucky, the place where you're living has a thriving sex -positive community and it takes little effort to find and take part in events such as meet-ups, workshops, and conventions. Most likely, that's not the case and either there isn't much of a community or the community that is there doesn't align with your interests, ethics, or outlook.

Consent is a topic that has been an essential part of the non-monogamy experience, though not everyone is great at asking for or respecting it, and some feel like we talk about enthusiastic consent too much. In monogamous dating, it has only recently become a more nuanced discussion than the No Means No message that most of us were taught. After all, talking about our wants and boundaries would kill the mood and ruin the magic flow that is supposed to happen in love scenes.

With the explosion of the MeToo movement that began with Tarana Burke in 2006 and hit the popular media in 2017, consent is being discussed more widely than ever before. What is consent? How do we effectively set boundaries and respect the boundaries of others? Can consent ever be Sexy, as some people propose? On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick and I are joined by Erin Tillman, author of the Consent Guidebook: A Practical Approach to Consensual, Respectful, and Enthusiastic Interactions, to talk about, you guessed it, Consent.

We're doing something a little different on this episode. Many of you know a whole lot about Kat Stark thanks to their blog posts and book Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut. Their co-host, co-conspirator, and true love is more of a mystery since he doesn't blurt his shit all over the internet the same way Kat does.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, you get a chance to peek behind the curtain and learn more about self-described Super Villain, Gamer, geek, and resident know-it-all Flick Morrison. Sit back and enjoy while Kat makes him uncomfortable with a ton of personal questions.

Jealousy is a complex emotion that usually arises when we feel threatened or like we're not getting our needs met. It is almost always the reason people cite when they state that they couldn't ever be non-monogamous yet plenty of non-monogamous and polyamorous people experience jealousy regularly.

The various circumstances that lead to jealousy tend to shift the longer people have lived in open relationships. From sexual jealousy to that over deepening intimacy or relationship milestones. Sometimes it is even very person-specific, cropping up only with regards to one partner, or only one of their partners.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and Kat Stark revisit Jealousy with regards to compersion, metamours, NRE, relationship milestones, and why rules can't solve jealousy.

Geekery & non-monogamy crossover in so many ways. So many of the people we've met, connected with, and sexed up have been fellow geeks that enjoy much of the same pop culture that we do, whether it's movies, tv shows, books, musical theatre, roleplaying games, or video games. You need to have something to talk about when the sexin's done, after all.

Despite the chic that many geeky pastimes now enjoy, it wasn't always the case. Those of us who spent our youth with interests outside the norm of sportsball and Top 40 tunes have always tended to seek others who are similar. Turns out, the outsiders also tend to find their way into kink and non-monogamous realms.

Sex, particularly kinky sex, is still a taboo subject in our sex negative culture. We're not supposed to talk about it so we don't learn good communication skills around it. It's one of those things that is supposed to just kinda happen. We hang onto a lot of the messages we got about sex growing up and even those of us who consider ourselves very open about our sexuality still retain many of the hangups and shame feelings.

Learning to talk about what we want in the bedroom from the most vanilla of acts (vanilla is a delicious flavour, by the way) to the most deliciously deviant kinky acts we can think of can benefit us in many unexpected ways. When we learn to ask for what we want, we sometimes even get it.

Click-baity title aside, many people would like to figure out how to get more sex and better sex in their lives. It's not a priority for everyone, and isn't required to be, but for those who are looking to get more sex in their lives, it can be a struggle. We're here to tell you it doesn't have to be.

Reinterpreting what sex is can be a big and helpful start down the path to more sex. As well, reinterpreting what you're looking for in a sexual encounter can help you figure out how to get your needs met beyond any specific set of acts. It isn't always 'insert tab A in slot B' that we want from sex (though sometimes it is and that is also legitimate). Sometimes what we want is a sense of connection or physical intimacy that can be met in more ways than we think.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick Morrison and Kat Stark discuss How to Have More (and Better) Sex.

Ideally, when we’re meeting, dating, and sexing on people we want to be our best selves. We want to be feeling stable and settled and able to be present and focused for all the newness that might be coming our way. Unfortunately, circumstances are almost never ideal. Life constantly hits us with the unexpected--job loss, divorce, moving house, issues with kids, health issues, mental health issues, breakups--the list goes on and on.

Much of the time we need to figure out how to compartmentalize our other life issues so that we can open our hearts to new people and new experiences. That is way easier said than done, and not really that easy to say. In non-monogamy, we often have concurrent partners and heartbreak and it can be really tough to figure out how to grieve a relationship while maintaining or building another.

Nearly everyone we know claims to be bad at flirting, the two of us included, but somehow many of us are scoring dates and getting laid. How do we get over our own brains to send that first message or turn a chat into something sexy and sassy? And once we're in a sexy space, how do we wrap our heads around talking dirty.

There's an art to knowing when to push a conversation to a sexy place or leave an opening for someone else to do so and when to leave it respectfully platonic. And as it turns out, talking dirty can be a lot easier than you think.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick and Kat, plus special guests Wes and Raina, discuss the whens, wheres, and hows of Flirting, Sexting, and Dirty Talk.

*Please note that our Dirty Talk episode also contains some dirty audio. There's some audio distortion that crops up during episode that we were able to reduce but not fully remove.

Endless amounts of research has been done on the topic of love and relationships - generally focused on the heteronormative pair bonding that is the norm in our western culture. A few books such as Sex at Dawn and Mating in Captivity have been the go to tomes for the non-monogamous looking for science that backs up our choice of lifestyle.

Author Brenda Wiebe has written Catch & Release: How I Used Science to Hack my Love Life. She uses her skills as a researcher of sociology and anthropology to write a review of different relationship patterns throughout human history in combination with her own intimate journal entries that document her personal journey from marriage, through divorce, heartbreak, and into polyamory.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Kat Stark & Flick Morrison are joined by Brenda Wiebe to discuss Non-Monogamy and SCIENCE!

Attraction is a mysterious thing.

There are physical and personality characteristics in people we're almost always attracted to: perhaps a certain body type or sense of humour. Other times it can be harder to nail down why a certain person hits all the yes buttons for you, or what makes us override our usual "dealbreakers". They could be completely different than what normally gets you going and if you lined up 5 similar people, you might not feel anything for any of the others.

Attraction can even be situational. You can find yourself interested in someone in a certain time and place when they wouldn't have the same appeal in others. Whether it's biology and pheromones, cultural influence, or personality, there are myriad factors at play in who we find attractive.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Kat Stark & Flick Morrison talk Attraction.

Many of us in non-monogamy land started out in monogamous relationships. Not necessarily because those were right for us, but because they were the default. We didn’t even know that there were other relationship options.

Once we start exploring ethical non-monogamy we discover countless variations on the big 3: SwInger, Open, Polyamory. Some people have strict definitions of what each of those relationship styles has to look like but almost everyone we’ve met in non-monogamy has their own take. Turns out, when you shed the societal expectations of what relationships are meant to look like, you can pick & choose what elements work best for you.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick & Kat are joined by Dr. Liz Powell, Psychologist & relationship coach, to discuss Building Your Ideal Relationship.

Fantasizing is big part of most healthy sex lives. We fantasize about things we’d like to have done to us and/or what we’d like to do to others. We also fantasize about things that scare, horrify, or even kind of (or completely) disgust us. All these things are part of healthy sexual brain activity.

“Is this normal?” is a question about fantasies that comes up a lot in advice columns. The answer is yes, in that abnormality is completely normal when it comes to fantasy scenarios.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Kat & Flick talk Fantasies. How they can benefit your sex life, good ways to share them with your partner(s), and shaking off the shame of your less comfortable fantasies. We’ll share some of our own, and we’ll even share some that listeners have submitted to us.

 Butt stuff!

It’s not just anal sex anymore, but a whole spectrum of ass play. What’s the appeal and the fascination? In our lifetime, it’s gone from being a secret perversion to borderline mainstream, referenced and discussed in pop culture both frankly and humorously. And some people feel increasingly pressured to make anal sex part of their repertoire without even knowing if they really want to, let alone knowing how to do it safely and pleasurably.

Today On the Wet Coast Flick Morrison & Kat Stark discuss the why’s and what’s of butt stuff.

We on the Wet Coast are huge fans of sex toys. We have a large collection and use them regularly both in solo play and with our partners. We've tried a lot of different things and have learned through extensive trial and error what types of toys work best for us, since not every toy works for every body.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Kat Stark and Flick talk about sex toys. How to find the best toys for you and how to integrate toys into your sexytimes with others.

Getting things started is not always easy. Sending that first message on a dating site. Putting yourself out there with your romantic or sexy interest. Asking for that first kiss. Or even knowing how to flip that switch from social time to sexytime in a dating scenario - or play party.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Flick and Kat Stark are discussing Getting Things Started. We'll share a few tips and pointers of things that have worked for us in the past, and where things can go wrong.

Not every relationship lasts forever--Whaaa?--turns out that happily ever after was kind of a fraudulent bill of goods we were sold as kids watching Disney movies. Relationships end or sometimes transition into subtly or entirely different forms.

Tonight On The Wet Coast, Flick and I (Kat Stark) are discussing Impermanence, Breakups, and Relationship Transitions.

Sexy Vacations can be one of the incredibly fun perks of a non-monogamous lifestyle. Going to different cities and countries is always amazing, but going to different places and having sex with people: that takes the amazing factor up to a whole new level. From hitting up locals via a dating site to visiting loves & sexyfriends in their cities to conferences to hotel takeovers to full-on swinger resorts, sexy holidays--or fuckations--run a huge fun spectrum.

In this episode of the On The Wet Coast podcast, we examine our experiences of public bisexuality through exhibitionism and how it relates to the male gaze, being good allies and supporting those more marginalized than us in the new political climate, and the pros and cons of doing the work of emotional labour in our complex array of relationships.

In part one of Female Relationships, Dawn Ardent and I discussed the complexities of female relationships in non-monogamy, shaking off the internalized competition we were socialized to associate with other women, and how honestly communicating fears and boundaries can help heal the breaks that insecurity and jealousy can create. We also hated on a couple mean girls from our past. In our defence, they were so mean! And made our junior high school experiences pretty hellish.

The relationships between women in non-monogamy are rarely discussed other than that bisexual babes are hot together. Women have been taught to compete & struggle against even our closest female friends so how can we connect when there are people we love openly together? And how does it work when we're into each other too?

The complicated dynamics that come from sharing partners as well as the grey area that is often present between metamour and partner (something Kat's come to call metaMORE) are part of we discuss on this episode of On The Wet Coast. We also chat about how essential honest communication is, and how the myth of the 'cool girl' messes all of us up. And since there was so much to talk about, there's even more in a second part of this discussion that will follow in the next episode.

Special guest Dawn Ardent joins Kat Stark

One of the exceedingly fun features of non-monogamy can be group sex. Sexy, sweaty bodies writhing in a naked pile can be an outstanding experience, but it's not without complications. There are different things to take into consideration whether you're navigating a threesome, foursome, fivesome or six plus orgy.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast we're discussing Group Sex: Threesomes, Foursomes, Moresomes, and the amazing orgy.

One of the exceedingly fun features of non-monogamy can be group sex. Sexy, sweaty bodies writhing in a naked pile can be an outstanding experience, but it's not without complications. There are different things to take into consideration whether you're navigating a threesome, foursome, fivesome or six plus orgy.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast we're discussing Group Sex. What do you need to think about to have these sexy experiences go as smoothly as possible? What pitfalls can turn a group scene into a disaster? What risk-aware sex practices do you need to have in place? And no, we haven't forgotten the fun, what kinds of crazy shenanigans can you experience in group play?

Gin Titonic Recipe: Mix over ice

• 2 oz Gin
• 6-8 oz Tonic Water
• Scoop Lemon or Lime or ?? Sorbet

All relationships require communication, but good communication is even more essential in ethically non-monogamous relationships where multiple people's needs and wants intersect. Each partnership has its own needs & rules for disclosure. How & when to make new information known can be one of the big challenges in non-monogamy, especially when saddled with baggage from monogamous upbringing.

On this episode of On The Wet Coast, Kat & Flick talk Disclosure

Autonomy is a challenging subject for many of us. We're encouraged to be independent while at the same time we're told that putting the needs of the people we love above our own is the definition of love & noble sacrifice. Most of us make life decisions based not only on how they affect us personally, but how they affect the other people in our lives.

On this episode we’re discussing Stress in ethical non-monogamy.

There are so many positive aspects about open relationships but one of the negatives we’ve discovered is how stressful they can be.

Everyone knows that jealousy, self-esteem issues, or mismatched levels of feelings can take their toll, especially when find ourselves managing them poorly or tamping them down in denial or shame. But it's easy to overlook the emotional cost of GOOD stress, like the *excitement* of new experiences, meeting people, and New Relationship Energy.

We’re breaking down a number of different sources of stress in non-monogamy as well as some of the ways we manage, cope with, and process that stress so we can focus on the positive and get the most out of sharing the love.

Welcome to On The Wet Coast a podcast about sexuality and ethical non-monogamy of every variety.

On this episode - originally released on the Gentle Perverts Social Club Podcast Episode 11 on Swingset.fm - we wade into the murky green waters of jealousy.

We all know that as non-monogamous perverts, we’re completely above jealousy. It’s 100% full-time compersion up in here! Except we’re not, and it’s not.

Jealousy affects all our relationships for so many different reasons. Different people and situations trigger jealousy bombs in sometimes unexpected ways. We’re discussing jealousy in many of its iterations, what it means, what it doesn’t mean, why some people cause you to Hulk out while others might inspire giddy compersion rainbows, why rules don’t always work, and what we’ve done to decrease the harm jealousy can do in our open relationship.