OnesiesNov 28, 2023
8x12 - His Name is John Jones (He's Barely on Google), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 12 of 17
During this week's episode, Andrew makes a comment about how the only good performance in the episode is the poor guy whose job it is to try to tell the terrible white medical students not to be racist, especially not when they're on a Caribbean island where everyone is Black. Since "Going to Extremes" doesn't have a complete IMDb listing, the actor's name was unknown to our unprepared hosts as they recorded the episode. Andrew and Emily have a bunch to say this episode, it's delightful. At least when they're talking about not watching "Going to Extremes" for a while.
However, in preparing the show art, Andrew discovered the IMDb situation is even worse than... well, let's be honest, "Going to Extremes" isn't something anyone else remembers. Except the actor playing the farmer is John Jones. There's no John Jones on IMDb who matches him, no pictures on Google. Except a single image for a YouTube video. John Jones sings WHERE DO THE CHILDREN PLAY.
John Jones of "Going to Extremes" may not be John Jones the reggae singer of the 1970s, who doesn't have a Wikipedia, doesn't have any mentions besides some reggae forums and YouTube comments. He's got a Greatest Hits. The cover image is a woman in a bikini. Barely in a bikini. It's on Apple Music and it seems worth a listen. Even if you don't do reggae.
"Going to Extremes" has been about the active supplanting of Black people's stories for these tedious, shallow, insipid, feckless white people. But it gave this guy a spot on primetime (albeit ABC) and there was something to this casting. Presumably. It'd be on par for "Extremes" to unknowingly cast a Jamaican music star.
Or there's just some other guy named John Jones.
Either way. They both ought to be findable online. "Extremes" John Jones is either an actor, who's good and his filmography ought to exist, or he's a 1970s reggae star, who hasn't been forgotten by fans, but has been missed by the Internet. Not good. Do better, Internet.
Also, yes, John Marshall Jones was on "Joe's Life." No, we cannot escape it. We never realized watching one season wonders and blunders would open the Pandora's Box of lousy ABC coincidences.
8x11 - Heal the ... (Ma'am, Who's the 6:30 F*ck), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 11 of 17
After a week of bliss away from Jantique, Emily and Andrew return for a perfect storm of GOING TO EXTREMES' worst instincts. Charlie (and friends) don't like being told not to be racist monsters, Alex has mommy domme issues with his sex prof, and Roy D gets jealous of other people not having to be Roy D. Join us?
In the world of Onesies, a pause comes to light,
Emily sends word, a break in their flight.
Schedules entwined, not syncing just right,
One host watched the show, the other missed the sight.
And there's Emily, post-booster, in a quiet repose,
Recovering gently, as the downtime she chose.
Yet, fear not for the gap, it's brief, they propose,
For next week they return, as their commitment shows.
They'll dive into "Going to Extremes," episode eleven,
Back in Television Land, their discussion heaven.
8x10 - For Our Sins (A Dream Sequence), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 10 of 17
Emily and Andrew find themselves torn between an actual effective--albeit ripped straight from NORTHERN EXPOSURE--plotline with guest star Jon Seneca and the latest "Cheryl's Black and she says it's okay for Charlie to be afraid of Black people" plotline. Listen as the hosts remain in bargaining limbo, hoping against hope something bad won't happen, but it's EXTREMES so of course it will.
8x9 - A Geographical Oddity (Wrong Pleasure), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 9 of 17
Emily and Andrew officially pass the halfway point through GOING TO EXTREMES. Will they rename the pod to "WE HATE THIS SHOW" in honor of EXTREMES? Probably not. Tune in and listen as they discuss the show's tropes: learning from your racism halfway through the episode instead of the end, why they've got the white lady intent on making the Black lady hate the other Black people, and bad music.
8x8 - Ruthless Animals (Pinch Me), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 8 of 17
It's another week in Paradise, or whatever hellish approximation of it GOING TO EXTREMES thinks they're doing. But at least there's less racism? So much more misogyny than usual, though. Listen as Emily and Andrew discuss child brides, getting in character, inappropriate touching, appropriate touching, and just how many more episodes until the halfway point.
8x7 - Even Nedry Knew Better (Free Dissociation), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 7 of 17
Emily and Andrew are back for another week of GOING TO EXTREMES. This time they wonder... why they're leaning into the racism, where the responsible people have gone, and why... just why. There may be some good tangents, but no promises.
8x6 - Like a Piece of Furniture (Popping Zits), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 6 of 17
Another week(ish), another EXTREME outing for Emily and Andrew. Tune in as they discuss a really good idea for a show where Joanna Going and Delroy Lindo fall in love, miss getting to watch DRACULA: THE SERIES, and wonder why EXTREMES decided Andy Lauer plays the best racist.
8x5 - White Saviors, Necrophilia (Yes, Really), or: Going to Extremes (1993), 5 of 17,000,004
Emily and Andrew return to their penance for god knows what, a.k.a. the ABC "Northern Exposure in the Bahamas*" failed effort... GOING TO EXTREMES. This episode's about nothing, being a white savior, and very unhealthy teacher-student relationships. But it's short and sweet, at least (our episode, not theirs; theirs is an eldritch horror).
8x4 - Metaphysical Goats (Let's Get Physical)
In an unexpected twist, Emily and Andrew diverge on the episode--Andrew thinks it's the best GOING TO EXTREMES so far, Emily's not so sure. But then Andrew's basing it on the romance between Colin and Kim being a real thing and not some weird, bad nineties thing. Also Joanna Going is bad. And awkwardly hostile to Erika Alexander, who's good. But at least there's no teacher-student sexual predation?
8x3 - What Do You Mean That's Not Oedipal (Enough), or: Going to Extremes (1993), 3 of 17
Remember how much fun it was to make Motherboy jokes about Desi Arnez Jr. on AUTOMAN? Well, GOING TO EXTREMES decided to do it straight-faced. But don't worry, there's Elektra opportunities too. Unexpected ones even. Emily and Andrew's biggest selection mistake continues to be... their biggest selection mistake. Enjoy!
8x2 - Wilfred Brimley (F*ck Daddy), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 2 of 17
The title says it all.
Emily and Andrew once again descend into GOING TO EXTREMES and find the show's "hold my beer" approach to being problematic... well, problematic. Plus, Wilford Brimley does not actually guest star, so you'll have to tune in to find out the reference. And then never forget it. Barf.
8x1 - I Will Be Your White Savior (M-O-N), or: Going to Extremes (1992), 1 of 17
Emily and Andrew are GOING TO EXTREMES, whether they like it or not. Listen as they head down to the Carribean (probably filmed on location in Jamaica) for another Pre-Disney ABC show, complete with butts, and so many problematic white boys. But at least it's not incompetent.
7x10 - Best of Luck on Future Projects (Not), or: Joe's Life (1993), 10 of 10
Emily and Andrew have weathered the malestrom and survived, reaching JOE'S finest half-hour... when the show seemed to consider a refocus for the back nine. Or maybe it's just coincidentally the best of the worst. Listen as they say some regretful, but honest, things. And find out what's coming next season on ONESIES!
7x9 - Do Not Talk to Teenagers in Bathrooms (Seriously)
Emily and Andrew have now weathered 90% of the extant JOE'S LIFE episodes and they've got thoughts. And tangents. Buckle up and buckle in for a lot of talking about bad sitcoms, loathsome characterization, toxic masculinity, and James Marsden. Also mullets.
7x8 - Who's Acting (Geo. Coe)
Ol' Jack Scratch has got out his ice skates because Emily and Andrew find themselves complimenting... JOE'S LIFE? Well, specifically and singularly special guest star George Coe, who sells it. The episode's still a mess, but there's good acting. It's been so long since Emily and Andrew have seen good acting from anyone but Mimi Kennedy and then only occasionally because the show doesn't do right by her at all. Definitely not here. Anyway. Who knew our intrepid hosts could ever be so bullish?
7x7 - Sweet Smelling (Garbage), or: Joe's Life (1993), 7 of 10
Despite JOE'S LIFE still being a miserable stink pile, Emily and Andrew manage to stay more on course--though most of the episode might be spent getting through the cold open--as they discuss toxic masculinity and pointed misanthropy. Tune in for all the fun (of discussing early nineties popular media).
7x6 - Mimi Kennedy is Funny (The Rest is So Bad), or: Joe's Life, 6 of 10
It's another extra long episode full of tangly tangents, intentional and not, as Emily and Andrew head once more into the fiery hellscape of 1993 known as... JOE'S LIFE. Listen as they talk about better media. Listen as they compliment Mimi Kennedy. Listen as they go beyond the looking glass through multiple dimensions of misogyny. And as they gaze upon the horror, so too the horror gazes upon them. Beware.
7x5 - My Good Lug Wrench (Pull The Plug), or: Joe's Life, 5 of 10
Join Emily and Andrew as they refuse to let the creative misery and misogynist relic of JOE'S LIFE drag them down, so instead they go on a million tangents. Anything to keep themselves entertained...since Joe's Life fails at every attempt. It's ABC, after all.
7x4 - Girls' Cars (Mallrats), or: Joe's Life (1993), 4 of 10
Emily and Andrew settle in for some primo early nineties life lessons about how women shop and men buy, which can't even muster mildly amusing sexism thanks to the lousy writing. But at least there's a good (very supporting) guest star?
Onesies 7x3 - Whine Dad (Say it Naked), or: Joe's Life (1993), 3 of 10
Emily and Andrew do manage find something they like about this episode--though it's just Mimi Kennedy, basically--while they wonder why the show couldn't be about the parents using protection to spare the world from JOE'S LIFE.
7x2 - Healthy Butter (Pencils), or: Joe's Life (1993), 2 of 10
Emily and Andrew settle in for an early nineties PSA/pre-Disney ABC sitcom about how smoking is bad and it's probably your mom's fault. Definitely not dad's. Listen as they discuss rising about the material (okay, they don't talk about this one very much), okay Google searching, bad parenting, and toxic masculinity. It's the toxic masculinity season, actually. Though... aren't they all?
7x1 - Rat Tail (Karaté) - Joe's Life (1993) - 1 of 10
Emily and Andrew celebrate Pride with a tangent-heavy first episode of the season as they find themselves distracted by actual good news of the world, but manage to bring it all together to discuss bad parenting (on purpose), toxic and fragile masculinity (couple oxymorons there), and much more.
6x6 - Red Enough (Glow) - Chessgame (1983), 6 of 6
Emily and Andrew bid a fond farewell to CHESSGAME, despite the finale not being fully realizing the show's potential, and being able to make numerous comparisons to a particular Canadian production about a Carpathian count. But for CHESSGAME, they leave amused, confused, and delighted (by the fasion). They also announce next season's show, though Emily doesn't let Andrew spoil one of the major reasons they picked it. Or at least, the major reason he's excited for it.
6x5 - Blue Eyes (Svelte Hips), or: Chessgame (1983), 5 of 6
In the latest in their series of learned observations, Emily and Andrew head to Oxford for the penultimate episode of CHESSGAME, where we learn they do appear to be doing the cuckold subplot, David (Terence Stamp) got a promotion even though his boss is woke, and much more. What Emily and Andrew don't do talk about is how they're almost done with the good TV show they've been watching and it's about to get hot and steamy once again.
Unterpantzi! (Back On) - Chessgame, 4 of 6
Emily and Andrew continue to battle their most formidable opponent--a show getting better as it goes along. Now technically halfway through CHESSGAME (which is somehow getting less problematic as it goes), they discuss confounding espionage, corrupt politicians, and old British drunkards.
6x3 - I'll Call You (Mustache) - Chessgame, 3 of 6
Another week, another... good hour of television? Tune in and find out what Emily and Andrew thinking--other than Terence Stamp and Robin Sachs are super-sexy, of course, which is 24.3% of the show. But there's mystery--and espionage--and good television afoot.
6x2 - Don't Tease (The Czar) - Chessgame (1983) - 2 of 6
Emily and Andrew once again find themselves trying to suss out good television and, even with the racism, sexism, and general bigotry, find it hard to complain too much about eighties anti-James Bond James Bond. They do have a lot to say about outfits, saucy British television, as well as MI-5 work ethic.
6x1 - Don't Google (No Heroes) - Chessgame (1983)
No Dracula: The Series jokes, folks, because we've moved on! Finally! Emily and Andrew head back to 1983 Britain for some CHESSGAME, starring Terence Stamp (don't google him and brexit btw), some other people not to google, maybe one person you can google, and lots of talk about espionage, commercial breaks, and, sadly, commonplace bigotry. But it's a good show. We barely remember what those are.
5x21 - No Place to Be a Man - Dracula: The Series, 21 of 21
Emily and Andrew celebrate the final episode of DRACULA: THE SERIES with... an admiration for the episode? Tune in to find out how bad they've got the Stockholm Syndrome, listen as they discuss continuity, scary bad guys, and unlocked castles. AND they announce next season's show!
5×20 - Rarebit Fiend - Dracula: The Series (1990), 20 of 21
It's the penultimate episode of season five, which means Emily and Andrew are almost done with DRACULA: THE SERIES! For their coverage of the-second-to-last episode--a clip show--they do an audio commentary because the thought of watching it straight was way too daunting. Listen as they predict all the twists and turns, but do get to see Geordie Johnson get a lot better over time....
5x19 - Hot, and Steamy - Dracula: The Series (1990), 19 of 21
Emily and Andrew find the Stockholm Syndrome has entirely set in, just when they're almost done, as they... enjoy?... appreciate?... savor?... the episode. There's some really bad stuff, obviously, but there's also Hot and Steamy Schnitzel and more good(!?!?!) Geordie Johnson Dracula? Dig on in, y'all.
5x18 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 18 of 21
Now decidedly in DTS's "end game," Emily and Andrew discover the series does indeed improve... or at least finds its most successful tone. Listen as they discuss the lack of I LOVE LUCY references, bad CASABLANCA ones, Stephen King zingers, bad acting (of course), and much more.
5x17 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 17 of 21
It's the episode Emily and Andrew really haven't been asking for, but knew was inevitable--the return of "Mr. Perfect" Geraint Wyn Davies. Listen as they discuss new lows in bad acting, why the graveyard guy from episode two can't return, episodes airing out of order, and the intellectual potential of dust mites.
5x16 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 16 of 21
After reminding everyone there are only five more episodes of DRACULA (which requires Andrew to relearn counting), hosts Emily and Andrew dig in and start talking background extras, Luxembourg old folks homes, George Bernard Shaw, and much more.
5x15 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 15 of 21
Emily and Andrew dig into the latest installment of DRACULA's multi-episode arc, which has promptly forgetten the first couple installments, but Emily and Andrew can't. The memories are seared in. Listen as they discuss--once again--adults as the romantic interests for fourteen year-olds, lots of plot, and... better direction?
5×14 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 14 of 21
Emily and Andrew get the episode they'd been waiting for and immediately regret thinking the show could pull it off. Even if Max is less annoying than usual. The other actors more than make up for him. But at least it's not AS creepy as last episode. It's creepy, to be sure. But not AS creepy.
5×13 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 13 of 21
Emily and Andrew are sad to discover Dracula can still surprise them, especially when it involves untrustworthy medical professionals, rare blood diseases, icky groomers, and, of course, "Name that Polka!"
5x12 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 12 of 21
Emily and Andrew find themselves less than tickled with this episode, featuring the initially unwanted return of a guest star from before, only then they turn out to be so much better than anyone else. The saddest part if when our unflappable hosts realize they've got another 9 episodes.
5x11 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 11 of 21
Let's do the time warp again! Or, at least Andrew's convinced these episodes aired out of order (the proof is in the poloraids)! Listen as Emily and Andrew discuss whether or not grown women creeping on teenagers is better or worse when it's not sapphic (but still male gaze-y), Uncle Gustav's terrible vampire hunting, what Canadians talk aboot, and Max's #$%@&ing fedora.
5x10 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 10 of 21
After the episode impresses Emily and Andrew with the ability to pan the camera three whole times, they immediately get depressed and disgusted, both by the "rock and roll" subplot, but mostly the felonious male gaze groomer A plot.
5×9 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 9 of 21
Emily and Andrew once again leave DRACULA unconvinced of the show's conceits, this time involving psychics, Uncle Gustav being a desired television guest, and Dracula's ability to consume Orville Redenbacher's (sadly in not in a lewd way). But they do like adorable lagomorphs.
5×8 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 8 of 21
In another startling development... Emily and Andrew discover, under the right circumstances, the show can be downright charming and delightful. Albeit only when guest mom is Dracula's bride and ready to destroy the regular cast but still. Who knew? Join them for a spirited discussion of power suits, capitalist greed, and the smell of decaying flesh.
Oh, and t-shirts! https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/Lucard-by-Van-Gogh-by-visualreflux/137880561.2UAKP
5x7 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 7 of 21
In a surprise twist, Emily and Andrew find themselves unironically praising some of this episode. But heaping on the praise (for special guest star Kim Coates). They also talk about toxic whiny boys, bad acting, Canadian accents, bad Canadian accent acting, and much more.
5x6 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 6 of 21
Emily and Andrew celebrate St. George's Eve early this year with a very special family-focused episode of DRACULA: THE SERIES. Listen as Emily delights in Geraint Wyn Davies's over-"acting", as Andrew threatens to make her watch NICK KNIGHT for more of it, and they both wonder why the show avoids having female guest stars. Other than the obvious reasons.
5×5 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 5 of 21
Featuring a very special guest star (in other words, Emily couldn't edit out a cat cameo)! Join Emily and Andrew in their first episode of 2023, which Emily didn't enjoy anywhere near as much as Andrew, though he's convinced it's because she missed a vital part of the final showdown!
5x4 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 4 of 21
How can DRACULA disappoint? Listen as Emily and Andrew count the many ways--including with the teen dating subplot, leading to some dated references for millennials and Gen-Xers, trying to suss the vampire "rules," and lengthy discussions about terrible acting.
5×3 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 3 of 21
Emily and Andrew are delighted to discover DRACULA: THE SERIES isn't anywhere near done being amazing, what with energy bolts, starcrossed lover monologues, tai chi, and Geordi Johnson deciding he's not over-acting enough yet.
5×2 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 2 of 21
It's another vampire genre-busting episode of DRACULA: THE SERIES and Emily and Andrew are thrilled to be along for the ride. Listen as they spot new houses, new backstories, new tropes, but the same old exercise bike and some truly godawful kid acting.
5x1 - Dracula: The Series (1990), 1 of 21
Apparently in service to the Dark Lord of Boredom, Emily unleashes DRACULA: THE SERIES on Andrew and the 21st century. Listen as they discuss rap, hip hop, and some ska, how much vampires like poppy seeds, how big poppy seeds tend to be, creepy older men and teenage girls, horny business moms, bad special effects, and Luxembourgian architecture.