The Parenting Horizons Podcast

It’s a fact of life; at some point in their life, your kid is going to get knocked down by circumstances out of their control. But as uncomfortable as that truth may be, there are concrete steps you can take as a parent to foster resilience in your kid, the kind of grit that allows them to get up, dust off and get back on the horse.

In this episode we interview Kate Lund, the author of “Bounce: Help Your Child Build Resilience and Thrive In School, Sports and Life”

We’ll identify the pillars of resilience and ways to help your kid identify and build upon the tools to reduce stress and increase confidence, even in the face of setbacks and disappointment.

Finally, we’ll talk about ways you can model resilience for your kid and how both your child (and you!) can learn to tolerate discomfort.

Technology is not a “one size fits all” proposition. Children’s developing brains process digital media differently at different stages. The challenge for parents is how to embrace their role as “gate keeper” for younger children and then how to navigate into the role of “support system” as they get older.

In today’s episode we talk with Dr. Katie Davis, (https://katiedavisresearch.com) psychologist and author of “Technology’s Child: Digital Media's Role in the Ages and Stages of Growing Up”

We’ll discuss an effective two-step decision tool that will help you provide support across the full arc of your child’s development, from toddlers to young adults.

We’ll also talk about some of the fears that parents have today that technology can interfere with and disrupt an otherwise healthy attachment between parent and child and how to keep the lines of communication open to find out what your child is experiencing online (hint: no interrogation!)

Birds and bees. We all know what that stands for but why are we being so squeamish? In this episode we talk about talking about sex. Our guest today is parenting educator Amy Lang (www.birdsandbeesandkids.com) who walks us through how parents can overcome their reluctance to talk openly with their kids about sex and sexuality.

Some of the topics we cover are:

• What’s the biggest mistake parents make in talking to their kids about sex?
• At what age should parents begin the discussion?
• What myths should parents stop buying into?
• What to do when your kid doesn’t want to talk about it?

We’ll also talk about some terms you may have already heard about: Non-binary, Queer, Cis-gender, Pansexual, Asexual, Bisexual and how do we handle all of this?

Finally, we begin the uncomfortable conversation about pornography and what parents can do and say to their kids about it. (This is the first part of this important discussion. Be sure to subscribe to our podcast so you’ll know when the second part drops.)

It may be hard to believe when you watch your one year old eat paste, but the truth is that each of these little beings comes into the world with so much competence.  The ultimate challenge for parents is to trust them, to let them explore the world, to get out of their way and watch them unfold. But what does “getting out of their way” look like?

Our guest today is trauma psychologist and best selling author Dr. L. Carol Scott Ph.D. (www.lcarolscott.com), who explains how current research suggests that by age 7 children have already established the relationship strategies they will take with them into adulthood. We’ll discuss what are the most significant “can’t miss” strategies for helping kids develop healthy relationships. We’ll also discuss whether parents should be worried that it’s too late and that they’ve ruined their children (spoiler alert: Don’t worry. You haven’t ruined your children!)

P.S. Email Dr. Scott (carol@lcarolscott.com) and receive a free summary of the techniques for encouraging self-awareness that we talk about in this episode.

One of the more surprising things about being a parent is that we often wind up taking a hard look at our own parents. Most of the time we uncover the unremarkable truth that our parents were just ordinary, flawed people who loved us dearly and did their very best to raise us. 

But sometimes we discover a darker truth: that one of our parents may have struggled with something more serious and that in turn we, as children, may have experienced real trauma at their hands.

In this episode we welcome as our guest psychologist Dr. Stephanie Kriesberg, (www.drstephaniekriesberg.com) who specializes in toxic relationships and anxiety disorders and is the author of the book, Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-Doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve. 

If you had/have a narcissistic parent, or just experienced a difficult parent, you can learn skills to break the cycle and not repeat the experiences with your own children. We’ll discuss what exactly is narcissism, how children are affected by this behavior, and how to quiet the relentless self-criticism that often afflicts children of narcissistic parents.

In this wide ranging (and NSFW!) interview we talk with Dr. J.J. Kelly (www.drjjkelly.com), known as the “Punk Therapist”, about raising resilient and emotionally intelligent children. Today’s social media saturated landscape pushes several myths that hurt our children. Toxic positivity, relentless comparison, unquestioned patriarchy and a culture that routinely represses uncomfortable feelings all contribute to epidemic levels of stress and anxiety in our young people today.

We’ll talk about the benefits of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), how to expose our “gremlins” and what are the warning signs that it may be time to step in and reach out to a therapist.

Today we’re discussing how to deal with your child’s growing sexual agency, and how to discuss consent and bodily autonomy without breaking out in a cold sweat (most of the time.)

Our guest is Dr. Laura McGuire (they/them, https://drlauramcguire.com/about.html) trauma-informed expert, activist and author of the new book, The Sexual Misconduct Prevention Guidebook, (https://www.amazon.com/dp/173794393X) who is sharing how parents can have this important conversation including key takeaways vital for any young adult.

So what exactly IS consent? And while most agree that we should talk to our kids about consent, few stop to think about “why”. The bottom line is we’re giving our kids a life skill, not just a life line. The skills we teach about consent and boundaries are for a lifetime, not just until they get out of high school or college.

Despite a parent’s predictable anxiety, we want to be careful to avoid creating a climate of fear when talking about consent. To that end we’ll talk about that sometimes heart stopping process as your “sweet little baby” begins to assert their sexual agency. And we’ll discuss practical ways parents can find the balance between two seemingly irreconcilable forces: how do I keep my kids safe and still give them bodily autonomy and confidence.

The college application process is a multi-billion dollar industry that profits from fear, uncertainty and doubt. But there are ways to take back control of the process, or at the very least take the anxiety and stress out of it.

Our guest today is Tracy Schaffzin,  a guidance counselor at The Clinton School in New York City. We’ll discuss ways to determine if college is even right for your child and if so, how to navigate the sometimes oversized feelings that go with finding the right fit.

We’ll offer techniques for dealing with your child’s feelings about the process, from calming the overachiever to motivating the apathetic teenager. You’ll hear about effective search strategies that keep your kid’s self-worth intact and avoid falling into the trap of wanting to only go to high profile “name” schools.

Studies say that 1 in 3 kids between the ages of 13 and 18 will experience a diagnosable anxiety disorder. Moreover, diagnosed anxiety and depression in children 3 - 17 years old has risen significantly in the past 5 years.

So what’s the difference between “normal” anxiety and an “anxiety disorder”? And what can parents do? When there’s “normal” anxiety, how do you validate the anxiety without communicating that there is actually something to be anxious about.

In this episode we’ll discuss breaking the stigma of mental health issues and give parents some solid techniques to stay in dialogue with your child, remaining open, curious and non-judgmental.

We’ll talk about what it means to become an emotional mirror and how to talk to your kids about how they can reduce “mental load” to alleviate anxiety. We’ll also tackle the sometimes difficult decision about medication.

As of 2020, guns are the leading cause of death among children in the United States. This horrific fact has placed American families in a no-win situation: how and when to talk about it with your kids. 

In this episode we discuss how and when to talk to your kids about the epidemic of gun violence. Feelings of anger and despair are prevalent so you can assume your child has heard something, or at the very least, has picked up on feelings.

Like many sensitive subjects, the rules remain the same:

Open and keep open the door to communication. Keep it simple. Keep it truthful. Only answer the questions that you've been asked.

Since emotions about this topic obviously run high, it’s okay to show your feelings in moderation as long as you model recovery as well. You don’t want your children feeling like they have to comfort you.

Finally, we suggest donating to organizations dedicated to countering gun violence like SandyHookPromise.org or Everytown.org

In this episode we interview Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe (https://www.robynehd.ca), the author of “Calm Within The Storm: A Pathway to Everyday Resiliency.”

Many parents wonder why some kids “get up” while other just “give up.” Is the ability to pick yourself and dust yourself off a matter of temperament or can it be learned? 

And what is resiliency? Is it about “sucking it up” or is it something else entirely? You’ll also learn how we can help our children deal with their big emotions by supporting them as opposed to rescuing them.

Your kids are your greatest treasure AND they sometimes drive you to the brink. It’s perfectly normal for parents to feel all kinds of uncomfortable emotions about your kids (frustration, fear, anger) and it's often tempting to vent these feelings by blowing our lids. But while this may feel good in the moment, it almost always backfires.

In this episode we look at some of our favorite techniques to use instead of blowing up. And we promise you won’t even need to be an enlightened Zen master to take advantage of these strategies for becoming a calmer, more effective parent.

Are The Kids Still Alright?

We’re seeing increased anxiety and depression in kids these days in the wake of so many events that are simply out of our control. The long tail of the pandemic, climate change, the war in Ukraine, just to name a few, are causing children and parents alike to despair.

So what can we do in the face of wave after wave of seemingly overwhelming crises. In this episode we continue our conversation with Dr. Barbara Nusbaum, a psychologist who specializes in working with children and young adults. Together we offer strategies for combating helplessness and despair.

You’ll discover ways to create (or re-create) community so you and your kids don’t feel so isolated and alone. We’ll discuss how to talk to your children about things that are outside of our sphere of influence: Keep it simple, honest and at their developmental level. 

Finally, if you find the events and stressors that we're all going through are too painful to bear and thoughts of self harm emerge, we urge you to contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

In this episode, we start the new year by revisiting some of Julie’s core principles and techniques.

Communication 101 Refresher:  Respectful communication is the best conflict resolution tool. We’ll talk about real techniques you can implement to open up healthy dialogue with your kids (even when they are getting on your last nerve.)

Listening: Listening is the purest act of love that regenerates and recreates both the speaker and the listener. We’ll talk about what that means and how to listen to your children more effectively. (Hint: They often speak in code!)  

For households where there are two or more caregivers, we discuss power dynamics and the difference between a healthy family triangle vs a “triangulation trap.” Are there any pitfalls when adopting a “good cop, bad cop” approach to discipline and setting limits?  And how do you create a united front when parents or caregivers disagree?

In this holiday themed episode we talk about the value in preserving the magic in some of our cherished myths and fantasies: Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny and more!

But of course this opens up a deeper discussion: What’s the difference between something that’s a secret, something that’s private and something that’s just an outright lie?  Parents are often at a loss about how to handle difficult topics like job loss, divorce, finances, sex, drugs, mental illness and sometimes resort to “fictions” when explaining these things to their kids. 

We’ll give you tips on how to be truthful with your kids on the stuff that really matters and show you a technique we call “Ballparking The Truth”: keep it simple, keep it truthful, only answer what you've been asked.

The holidays are upon us and with them comes a whole host of expectations, some realistic and some…not.  

Emotions (positive and negative) run high at the holidays but there are ways to manage expectations, handle the “greedy gimmies” and keep your values at the center of whatever holiday you celebrate. 

We’ll look at the persistent but unattainable ideal of the “Norman Rockwell” family gathering, how it unfortunately sets many families up for failure, and what you can replace it with instead.

DON'T PANIC! Myths and Fears When Your Child Comes Out As LGBTQ+

If your child comes out as LGBTQ+  many parents must confront head on a host of widespread but patently false myths about what it means when a young person identifies on the LGBTQ+ spectrum.

In this episode, we’ll expose the myths and falsehoods surrounding coming out and shine light on the irrational fears these myths may provoke in parents. 

My child just came out as LGBTQ+ to me. What does that mean and what do I do?

Even in the most accepting and loving families, coming out is never easy for the child. If your child trusts you enough to come out, it’s extremely important that you don’t let them down. So how do you do that?

In this episode we bust some of the misconceptions surrounding the spectrum of gender and sexuality, and the best ways to support your child or young adult when they come out. 

From gender identity to preferred pronouns, your child knows themselves better than you do even if they don’t yet have the language to describe it. The key is to respect and trust your child even if you don’t quite understand. Be patient with yourself. Understanding will come in time and will result in a stronger, healthier relationship with your child.

As our children return to school, parents and children alike are facing an entirely new, and potentially frightening, landscape. In this episode, we lay out a strategy for dealing with the six to eight week transition period that almost all kids and parents must travel through as we adjust to a new school year.

Even if your kids love school, there will be ups and downs during this transition period. Patience and empathy are your keys to getting through this roller coaster ride. We’ll discuss how to put patience and empathy into action and especially, how to be kind to yourself as we all wait for the dust to settle.

In this episode our guest is psychologist Dr. Barbara Nussbaum, who has written extensively on the topic of resiliency. We’ll discuss the hidden (and not so hidden) effect that the pandemic has had on our children and how we, as parents, can  model resiliency.

It can be hard, if not extremely painful, to see our children in pain or discomfort. We may want to ignore it, or pretend  that they’re not as affected by the pandemic as they clearly are.

But as our children navigate reentering school, trying to rebuild social  connections, we as parents have a responsibility to acknowledge their  pain, even if we don’t have a ready solution.

Resiliency can’t be “developed” the way many other character traits can be.  Resiliency is only built through actual adversity. We’ll discuss ways parents can calm their own anxiety about the difficulties the new future holds and encourage our children to own their fears instead of their fears owning them.

Mature, rational conflict resolution isn't in vogue much these days (have you seen an episode of "Real Housewives" lately?) 

When siblings fight, parents are tempted to either bury their heads in the sand and try to ignore it, or to play judge, jury and executioner, usually meting out arbitrary punishment to whomever they think is the "guilty" party. 

But what if there was a third way? The truth is, sibling arguments give parents a unique opportunity to role model ways to address conflict in healthy, constructive ways. 

In this episode we examine how to teach our children how to handle conflict in an effective and healthy way and leave the drama out of it.

“Siblings are our partners and rivals, our first friends and our first enemies.”

In this episode we discuss Sibling Rivalry, the destroyer of many otherwise calm and peaceful family gatherings.

When your kids start to argue with each other it can be very tempting to jump in and “fix” it. However, becoming judge, jury and executioner is a trap when it comes to resolving conflicts between your kids. But you also can’t just walk away, especially if the conflict escalates into abuse or a child is explicitly asking for help.

We’ll point out some common pitfalls and techniques to avoid them. We’ll also show you how to turn sibling rivalry into an opportunity teach effective conflict resolution, an extremely valuable skillset they will use their entire life.

Neurological variations are a vital part of humanity, as much as variations in size, shape, skin color and personality. None of us has the right (or the wisdom) to try and improve upon our species by deciding which characteristics to keep and which to discard. Every person is valuable.

In today’s episode we welcome Emilie Vogas, M.Ed and Board Certified Behavioral Analyst, to discuss parenting neurodiverse children, whether they are on the autism spectrum, have Downs syndrome, dyslexia, ADHD or any of a wide range of normally occurring differences.

The most important take away is that neurodiversity is NOT an illness to be “cured.”  All children, neurotypical and neurodiverse alike,  speak and behave in a sort of “code” and it’s up to parents to learn to translate what it is their kids are trying to communicate. We’ll give you tips and inspiration on improving your translation skills, what that looks and sounds like, and we offer a glimpse of a future where all children are valued for their unique gifts and given appropriate support IF they need it.

Alright, now that we have your attention… 

In this episode we’re going to cut through all the mixed messages our culture sends out about sex and focus on giving parents practical advice on how to have an open dialogue with your kids about sex and gender. We'll focus on the three fundamentals: 

1) Tell the facts. 

2) Reassure your kids (and maybe yourself) that sexual desire is normal no matter who you’re attracted to. 

3) Learn to articulate your values but leave room for their different opinions: the ultimate desire is to keep them safe and healthy. 

And remember, to relieve the awkwardness and pressure that can accompany this topic, avoid having “the big talk.” Instead, opt for an ongoing series of developmentally appropriate talks that evolve as your children grow up. We’ll show you what that looks like and how to do it.

Money. You can save it, spend it, invest it, lose it, hate it, love it, give it away and horde it. And it’s our responsibility as parents to teach our kids about it in a healthy way. 

Allowances are probably the most popular way to introduce your kids to the surprisingly complicated concept of money. But just throwing money at your kids without talking about the power and responsibility behind money does everyone a disservice. 

Join us as we dive in to allowances. At what age should you start? What are the best ways to set your kids up for success with lessons that last a lifetime? And what does a healthy relationship with money even look like?

I get more calls about sleep and bedtime challenges than practically any other topic. Whether you have a two year old who just won’t go to sleep at night, a five year old that want's "just one more glass of water," or a teen that sleeps until 2 in the afternoon, we’ve got practical advice on how to handle it.

Imagine you’re in a heated argument with your partner (or child). If your goal is to “win at all costs”, you may win the battle, but at what cost to your relationship?

In this episode, we talk more about “the box step of communication”, a proven way to handle thorny disputes and de-escalate conflict.

We also look at one of the most toxic ingredients capable of undermining and destroying your family: Secrets.

If you are raising a child with a partner (together or divorced) you will never be able to entirely avoid conflicts. Flying by the seat of your pants is going to happen from time to time. But there are ways to approach conflict that is constructive as opposed to being combative. And  it’s important to remember;  your kids will eventually model some of your conflict resolution behavior when they grow up and form their own intimate relationships.

In this episode, we discuss self care for the couple. Even though raising children feels all encompassing, the primary bond must remain with your partner, so that when your kids inevitably launch into adulthood, you’ll still remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place.

Family Meetings. They’re not just for emergencies anymore.

If you roll your eyes at the thought of holding a “family meeting”,  this episode is for you. Family meetings are a simple but powerful way  to counter the outsized influence of social media and peers on your  kids. If you set them up right, family meetings can truly transform a  family, but there are definitely some traps and pitfalls to avoid.

Julie walks through what an effective family meeting looks like (and  just as important, what they aren’t) and how to get buy-in from wary  family members who may be suspicious that they’re really just an excuse  for the parents to yell at a captive audience.

Family Meetings. They’re not just for emergencies anymore.

If you roll your eyes at the thought of holding a “family meeting”, this episode is for you. Family meetings are a simple but powerful way to counter the outsized influence of social media and peers on your kids. If you set them up right, family meetings can truly transform a family, but there are definitely some traps and pitfalls to avoid.

Julie walks through what an effective family meeting looks like (and just as important, what they aren’t) and how to get buy-in from wary family members who may be suspicious that they’re really just an excuse for the parents to yell at a captive audience.

In our previous episode we opened up a can of worms, talking about the ways parents (and people in general) inadvertently shut down communication. In this episode we continue our countdown of the top 10 communication blocks, what they sound like and why they should be avoided. We’ll even reveal our personal “favorites” and how we still struggle to weed them out.

If you feel like your kids just aren’t listening to you anymore, there’s a good chance you’ve fallen into one or more classic communication blocks, practically guaranteeing that they shut you out. While parents often mean well, these blocks, over time, become a wall separating you from your child.

The good news is that you can learn to recognize the ways you may be inadvertently shutting your kid out. We’ll delve into these communication blocks, what they sound like and what you can do differently to start to tear down that wall between you and your child and build bridges instead.

Courage and positive self esteem are essential to living authentic lives. They are the greatest gifts we can give our children. We’ll uncover the ways you may be unintentionally robbing your child of self-esteem (yes, praise might actually be backfiring!) and the small but powerful changes you can make to instill courage instead.

Frustration. Despair. Jealousy. Grief. Powerlessness. 

Uncomfortable, unpleasant feelings are a fact of life. Everybody has them, including your kids. But some parents make the mistake of pretending they don’t exist, telling our kids to “suck it up” or “find their happy place.” And if you deny or suppress feelings, they just squirt out sideways, often in unpredictable and destructive ways.

Today we talk about the sometimes perfectly understandable reason parents may want to gloss over their children’s negative feelings or jump in too quickly to “fix” it.  And we offer techniques for helping your kid learn how to handle negative feelings head on, leading to resilient children who possess that much sought after quality: “grit.”

Risky Business

Have you ever watched a baby take their first steps, fall down, get back up again? No one taught them to keep trying, it’s baked into our very DNA.  The fact is, humans are natural risk takers.  But there’s also no denying that some risks are dangerous. So how do you channel that drive into something positive? We discuss how parents can use the power of consequences to encourage your kids to become "appropriate risk takers"

Consequences VS. Punishment: One works and the other…doesn't.

Make no mistake: these two forms of disciplining your kids are very different and produce very different results! We’ve all heard it before: “Mistakes are for learning.” Children must be given a chance to learn from their mistakes and try again. But how do you give your kid a chance to try again without feeling like a doormat or like you’re being taken advantage of? We walk through some real life examples of how to use consequences and how, in the long run, it works way better than “punishment”.

The “Nag Then Yell" Technique

Spoiler alert: This extremely common parenting technique DOES NOT WORK! We’ll explain what it is, why it falls flat, and how to replace it with something that is way more effective!

The “I” message

A classic communication technique with a twist holds the key to getting your kids to listen. 

The Myth of Instinctive Parenting

Why does parenting feel so hard sometimes? It may be because of the myth floating around in your head that somehow you should just “know” how to do it. Parenting is the most important job you may ever have, so there’s nothing wrong in reaching out for a little bit of guidance!

In this episode we answer some parent questions and reflect on some common threads of concern with our listeners.

In case it’s not obvious, shame is NOT a motivator.

Kids are struggling with motivation. It’s okay for parents to have goals for their children, but how we communicate our expectations can mean the difference between success and failure.

Is my kid depressed? Am I?

What’s the difference between the “blues” and something more serious. We give you the warning signs and what to do about it.

Exercise? What’s that?

How important is it to make sure your kids get some exercise when they are spending all day isolating in the house? Depending on their age, you probably can’t force them, nor should you. But if you engage them in a non-judgemental dialogue, you’ll have a better chance of getting buy in.

Is ignorance really bliss?

COVID is a complex, and potentially terrifying, topic to discuss with your kids, especially younger ones. We break down the key steps in talking to your younger kids about difficult subjects.

Invisible Labor and Mental Load

It’s the work that goes unnoticed and rarely gets tallied in the family housework scorecard. But once you become aware of it, you’ll never be able to unsee it.

“Never mind the kids! Now it’s my partner that’s driving me NUTS!!!”

Even small disagreements between spouses or partners can escalate quickly. We reveal effective techniques to defuse tense conversations and take the wind out of the sails of potential blowups. And even when it goes off the rails and you and your partner are just throwing haymakers, there are still ways to bring it back from the brink.

If you find yourself knocking your parenting skills during COVID, we provide ways to grade on a curve and cut yourself some slack. 

We’ll talk about how to reevaluate the pros and cons of screen time and social media. Electronics and devices may not be the end of civilization as we know it, after all. 

Thinking of visiting family? We’ll discuss how to effectively communicate concerns and asses risk, with minimal noses getting out of joint. 

And finally, if nagging your kids has stopped working (if it ever did) perhaps try a different tack using a technique called “Leading With Empathy.”

In their first episode, Julie and Greg discuss the importance of creating joy, even when the floor seems to have dropped out from under you. 

They also offer insights into dealing with grief, both yours and your child's, and the often overlooked value of denial.

Finally, Julie shares her fundamental strategy for strengthening your family during these uncertain times: Listening With Heart.