Parents are People too

Authenticity has been one of the buzz words that are being used a lot when talking about self-development. 

Authenticity is defined as “being genuine, being true to oneself” and in all sources we searched, reliability and trustworthiness were part of the definition.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be, and embracing who we actually are.”  – Brené Brown

Why would the concept of authenticity matter for us as parents? 

Knowing what your top values are, who you are as a parent and as a person and realizing that when you do not feel at ease with a situation, there most likely is a clash of values. 

Parenting authentically has many benefits - it helps with decision making, taking advice, knowing you have done the right thing for you, boosts your mental energy levels.  

It’s also a great way of showing our kids how being yourself  and not trying to ‘fit in’ with what others think is the best way to be. Walking the talk is always the best way to create trust and respect.

How often have you felt that you often do not have much choice when it comes to parenting? You feel either helpless or backed in a corner (when it comes to teenagers, this can be so difficult!)

Choices we make as parents start before birth - home birth or hospital, which hospital, our approach to medication during birth and how we feed our babies.  To go back to work or stay at home.

As our kids grow the list of decisions gets enormous!  What school, how they spend their free time, daily family rituals, discipline etc. etc.   

How many of our decisions do we make based on fear?  

Fear of what would happen if we left the “normal” path, of what other people might think or say, fear of missing out, fear of rejection, fear of failure and not getting it "right", fear for our childrens’ safety.

The definition of a Conscious Choice is a decision that is made with full awareness and understanding of the implications and consequences. In other words, it’s a choice that you make deliberately, rather than on autopilot.

Last week we were talking about how to be ‘in the now’ - for ourselves and our families by accepting, without judgement, what was and what is. 

It’s such a big topic and one that we have both wrestled with on our coaching and parenting journey.

We talked about how Acceptance does not mean you give in or agree - but it simply means to try to embrace where you are at without labelling it as good or bad, right or wrong.

Today we look at why this can be so hard to do, and what it can mean for how we parent!

What if you could embrace that

"All experiences have value" and that

"Releasing expectations and attachments to a particular outcome or path allows us to find opportunities everywhere” (COR.E Foundation Principles)
.

Awareness is our first step because it allows us to see our past conditioning but 

Acceptance allows us to not only understand the past, but not to be limited by it! 

What do you need to be aware of and then accept to move forward?

Do you ever wish you could turn back time to when your children were smaller (with smaller issues!).  Or are you constantly wishing for the next stage to happen sooner?  Both of these can mean you are struggling to accept what is the NOW rather than accepting what was or wishing for what is to come.

This week we are talking about how to be ‘in the now’ - for ourselves and our families by accepting, without judgement, what was and what is.  It’s such a big topic and one that we have both wrestled with on our coaching and parenting journey.

Often, people see acceptance as a weakness - as giving in or agreeing - rather than seeing it as the strength of acknowledgment of “what is” without rating it as good or bad. And that is one of the reasons it can be so hard to do! 

We are so used to judging others, ourselves or situations as good or bad and are trying to change others, ourselves or the situations to create an outcome we favor.

Sometimes we cannot let go of what was because we berate ourselves for not doing a good enough job- we go over and over in our minds how we could have done better  - guilt and shame come in and stop us from moving forward. 

Defining Acceptance what it means for you, is a first step.

"Before we can change or move forward, we must first embrace where we are" Core Foundation principle

“Acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with, condone, or give up. It simply means you stop fighting reality.” – Dan Millman

Keeping all of this in mind :

• Accept that you did the best you could do at the time with the information that you had. 
• Ask yourself  - Which aspects of yourself and your parenting do you accept or not accept? 
• What judgements are you making about yourself that makes it difficult to accept and let go?
• What would be different for you if you could accept the situation?

Many of us have had that awful crunching moment when we have accidentally reversed into something in our blind spot (Julia's garden wall is testament to this).  Even with a back mirror we can still crash!

Anke even had a back camera but it did not show that the lamp post close to the parking spot had a concrete pedestal protruding...and it dented her bumper pretty good.

We are talking about why awareness is so important, how to identify your parenting blind spots, and how it is the start of a process to make long lasting change to your negative patterns possible.

What, if anything, have you become aware of in your parenting recently?

For Julia it's balancing living as housemates with a grown up child and then thinking as a housemate but still actually being a parent.  This causes her all sorts of mental conflict so she has to remind herself that she is a parent and she therefore thinks like a parent.  If there are boundaries that she thinks are being crossed (chores for one) then she needs to be open and explicit in her expectations rather than festering housemate type thoughts on unfairness and inequality in the relationship!

Awareness and its importance

This week we are starting our journey of the 8 Skills that will help you with your parenting.  Starting with Awareness as it’s one of the major building blocks of self development 

Being self aware of the effects of what you say and do (how you come across) helps you differentiate between facts (the Truth) and how you are interpreting a situation (the truth) - therefore starts to breakdown self- judgement and will give you clarity and choice in any situation. 

For example, being more self aware can help you answer some of your parenting issues such as  

• "Why won’t anyone listen to me?”
• “Why are we always arguing?”
• “I’ve lost control of my kids and I don’t know why”
• “I feel really disconnected because my kid is not sharing anything with me”
• “My kid is sad and struggling, I am going to talk to the other parent/teacher/professor to set this straight!”

Can you relate - does this sound familiar? Have you struggled to communicate with your kids, tried to get them to listen, to stop arguing over everything, share their experience and their feelings or even how the school day went with you? 

Does it feel you have tried to change your approach 100 times but nothing changed? Thinking about how you react - can you pinpoint what is triggering you and why - and can you identify the motivation behind your reaction?

Being self aware about what it is that triggers us, how we react and what kind of effect that has on our kids is the first step to a solution!

We are usually so busy, so absorbed and on autopilot that we do not think about these things. We do the best we can based on what we have learned and experienced, we feel pressure to be perfect; and we tend to compare ourselves, our kids, our lives and usually feel worse by doing so. Parenting starts to feel lonely and disconnected. 

When you’re not performing to the best of your ability, make a list of what might be off. Brainstorm as many factors as you can—don’t limit yourself. You can even put down “silly” things like “I’m wearing my red shirt, not my white one.” Try to come up with at least 25 possible factors. Work with your Specialist to help you decide which ones are most affecting you. 

At work we often have 360 appraisals to help us build self awareness - you can try this with friends and family by firstly noting down the 5 top words that describe you at your best and 5 at your worst and then asking them to do the same.  You can then compare the two and see if they match - starts to reveal your blind spot which we will talk about next week.

I got a great email this week from Dr. Tascha Eurich talking about building self awareness and what she calls ‘The Dinner of Truth’ where you invite a close friend or family and ask them what irritates them about you! Instant (potentially brutal!) feedback 

Being self aware of what is sending us into orbit and why are the first steps to being able to respond appropriately to situations rather than react.  Understanding the real Truth (with a capital T) of a situation rather than our own one dimensional interpretations can help us parent calmly again.

What do we inadvertently teach our children and what can we learn from them?

Leaving home for college or stepping up to a new year group at school brings all kinds of challenges and learning opportunities.

This leads us into our first topic of season 2 - how are we letting our kids learn? 

Julia: I dropped our youngest daughter off at university and as we were doing a trolley dash around her new local supermarket she commented that she was really grateful that both of her parents cooked.  All I remembered what the mind numbing daily chore of preparing dinner for 3 kids who would only eat macaroni cheese together!  "Cooking" never felt like a culinary art or event but as I said - like a chore and I was not proud of the results. My husband on the other hand is a good cook. I was taken by complete surprise as to what in those situations was important and what my daughter took away from it - me preparing food for the girls, sitting with them and my husband doing the same. What counted was the act, not so much the culinary value.

What have you learned from your child?

Anke: I too dropped off my daughter at Uni 2 weeks ago - and she’s not a plane ride away like her siblings but stayed local. I am happy about that, and was ready to help her with whatever she needed now that it was logistically possible!

Well, I texted my girl the day after we helped her move to the dorm asking how the first night went - and she replied “why? do just want to know?”

Wow. I felt almost rejected and at the same time embarrassed.  She clearly did not want my opinion, advice, help or even my empathy. 

What she needed was my trust in her ability to figure things out herself. 

And she was afraid that I would take charge when she wanted to do it herself. I am proud of her for standing up for what she felt she needed even though it must have been hard for her. 

So I learned that even though she is close by, she wants to do things on her terms as she should, I learned that by me trusting her to be capable of this, I am helping her more than by physically doing things for her.

Trusting the process is hard. Trusting your kid to do the right thing can be too. We want them to have a smooth transition, no hiccups, no bumps in the road. We want to know they have friends, food and are safe and happy and do not fail this new beginning.

Well - what if FAIL stood for FIRST ATTEMPT IN LEARNING?

Confidence and resilience need to be learned. As parents we can help by letting our kids FAIL, given them the opportunity (still kind of under our watch) to learn from experience. THEIR experience. Make it clear that perfection is not the goal, but learning from actions is.

And when you have this urge to just go and fix whatever it is that you see wrong with the situation, ask yourself 

“Am I preparing my child to do this independently next time or am I preventing him/her from learning how to do this alone?”

The line can seem very blurred. We might feel fearful, frustrated, anxious  - but just pause and ask yourself if you want to truly prepare your kids to be independent, confident and resilient adults.

• Be intentional - if you find yourself trying to do it all - ask yourself why?
• Do you need the validation of being needed?
• Is it because of learned habits or your own journey or culture?
• Is it because you think you know best?

You have to let go of being right if you live by the First Attempt in Learning Rule.  You can try using

‘I’ve got some ideas  but first what do you think you should do’ instead of advice.

then think about what is your intention - a quick fix or a long term self learning for your child.

This time a year is usually super stressful for any student and parent of school or college aged children - it is exam time.

The outcome can decide the path forward, for many kids it is imperative to get good grades, and studying for the tests is often extra difficult as the material covered includes everything that had been taught over the past school year.

No wonder that the kids are really stressed out….but why are we parents…? Why is the word exam or quiz triggering us to go into overdrive and stress mode?

My youngest daughter finished her High School Exams last week - and I had many talks with other parents about how very stressful this time is for families.  It usually starts with the parent stating that “we have exams” next week.

And then they go on talking about how much there is to study for, there is not enough time with everything else that is going on for the student. They wished their student would not procrastinate, they fret how it is impossible to check how and what the kid is studying and preparing for the exams….

We get the stressfulness of this time,which is multiplied by the “all or nothing” approach a lot of schools take, with those tests deciding the overall grade for the student. 

It can impact where they can go to college, and change all that they - and you - had planned out for them.

Very, very understandable, how this time stresses us parents out.

So - is there a solution, or do we need to feel like this every time our kids are taking a test?

First of all, we need to take a step back and look at the fact that it is your student taking the exams - not you…

And while empathy is a very good thing, it does not help your kid when you are stressing as much as they do. 

It might actually make it worse for them because  they don’t want to disappoint you.

When you take a deep breath and that step back, can you identify what exactly it is, that causes you stress and anxious feelings?

• Do you feel out of control - you cannot make your kid study or take the test for them. So you feel you are giving up everything in this situation that could help change the outcome.
• Do you have a plan, you know what is best for them and their future - and it might feel that all of this is on the line now. 
• Do you want to see them succeed, it makes you proud, it means a job well done by you when they perform well?
• What would it be like for you to let all of this go?
• What would you need to address to not be attached to the outcome?
• What is it, that you can do to truly support your student during this time?

What do you need to do to remind yourself to let go - even if it is just a tiny bit?

This week we are discussing all things energy! What happens with our energy when we are stressed? How we can keep our energy levels high in stressful situations to enable us to think, feel and act in a way that we want to rather than being hijacked by anger, frustration or helplessness?

Do you remember the physics concept that energy never gets lost?

Becoming aware of the fact, that there is actually energy present at all times, we can now try to pin point WHERE our energy is being spent. 

It sounds contradictory to how we feel at times, doesn’t it? 

And that makes sense unless you know that there is more than one type of energy!

There is anabolic energy that revives, recharges, heals and reenergizes and catabolic energy that depletes and drains us.

That means even though we feel depleted, unmotivated, and low, we haven’t LOST our energy. We just experience the negative, destructive kind.

It's about where we are putting our focus - the more we judge a situation/person/ourselves as right or wrong our focus (and our mental energy) is completely taken up by that judgement and its difficult to move on and find solutions.

Using this framework (Energy Leadership) - We are differentiating between 7 Levels of energy you can experience.

In a nutshell, there are 2 levels of just catabolic energy and 1 level that lets you experience negative energy before you are able to shift into the positive kind - with each level, the energy gets more anabolic and you are experiencing the feeling of being at choice.

In other words, your attitude towards others, and to the world around you defines which energy levels you experience on a good day and where you default to under stress.

Do you experience situations with calm, trust, confidence, curiosity, or with fear, caution, worry, anger, resentment or caution?

What kind of energy do you need to parent the way you want to? 

More importantly, how do you deal with your stress and recharge your own batteries?  Understanding our own energy levels (emotional and physical) really helps us be less frustrated and angry or overwhelmed and to really enjoy family life.   

If you are feeling in L1 and unable to move from it, might be the time to think about a therapeutic route to help.

Learning to be less judgmental, don’t take things personally will help you to be able to choose what energy you want to experience.

So it helps you to respond versus to react to the situations.

And to clarify - we are not our energy levels, we just experience them.

Life happening for you rather than life happening to you - you cannot control the waves, but you can learn to surf. 

Learning more about yourself and your overall attitude towards life can help you to put the remote control to your happiness and purpose back in your pocket.

Being selfish is having your own gain, well-being or success in mind without considering others, but self-care is all about replenishing your own resources without depleting someone else's. Restoring your own energy promotes a healthier lifestyle, both physically and mentally.   Finding and connecting to your ‘something larger’ , brings meaning and happiness, reduces stress and that’s got to be a good thing for everyone, right? Working out what you need to recharge is important.

Why is it important to highlight these feelings?

As parents, we have the responsibility for our kids- it might be the most important job you will ever have.  It can feel like if we don’t exhaust ourselves mentally and physically doing the job - then we are not doing it properly.

Feeling selfish is certain to bring your energy right down - for us it almost feels like a stain! Very difficult to wash out...

It feels heavy to carry around, causes stress  and that has real health implications - too much cortisol and adrenaline have long term effects on your overall well being.

And - it stops you from doing things that are important to you - it is like a vicious circle...you feel guilty and selfish doing what recharges you, and hence do not do it - and you feel more and more depleted.

Spring is in the air and it reminds us to let the fresh air in and have a good look at everything we’ve got stored or put away.  We hang on to stuff that we no longer need or that frankly gets in our way  - often because we just don’t notice it anymore.  Space gets tighter, life gets more complicated and we can feel trapped or frustrated.  The same applies to our emotional baggage - thoughts and feelings  (and therefore habits) that we have been carrying around for years about ourselves, our kids and our family.  So let's have a good look at the sort of things those might be and how we can decide what to keep or get rid of. 

Lets talk about actual stuff rather than the emotional kind to begin with (how you do anything is how you do everything).  

I am lucky to be married to someone who is an excellent sorter and tidier - I like to hold on to things because of the emotional attachment or comfort I have in an object. He does not.  I am learning to travel lighter and more easily because of his example.  On the habit or emotional side, recently with the help of my coach I have ditched saying sorry for things.  This might be an English habit  and for me  it feels deeply uncomfortable to not apologize all the time.  I am learning that I  can still help and support people without being apologetic. I am finding it much easier to get things done and also messages and emails are a lot quicker and shorter to write!

Are you a hoarder or do you travel light?

Habits (actions)

45% of our actions are habitual - multi tasking for example is something that many of us do on a daily basis to save time - how often have we tried to have a conversation with our children whilst preparing the dinner/feeding the cat/putting out the rubbish and we wonder why our message never lands!  Being present with our kids is something that takes practise and we can only do it by not doing anything else at the same time.   Many times I have walked my dogs whilst listening to audio books .  I've stopped that and am trying to be more mindful whilst walking.  I’ve found that by the time I’ve got home I have a full days plan in my head, sometimes sorted out a difficult problem and feel refreshed and energized - multitasking by accident if you like!. 

Why does it seem so difficult to have real conversations with our kids? Why can it feel like a battle rather than an exchange of ideas, opinions, and information?

I am sure every parent of a pre-teen, teenager or tween has had that moment when a simple question you asked started a shouting war or a door slamming contest. Your kids stomps off loudly announcing that “nobody ever understands me, you just don’t get it”!

As parents, we long to connect with our preteens, teens and tweens, we hope to share some wisdom we hope will spare them trouble, we wish to share inspiration we hope will encourage growth, or we simply just miss feeling connected to them. And so often, our best intentions are met with stone cold resistance.

Having a true conversation, exchanging ideas, opinions, emotions and information, requires you to feel safe, to trust your conversation partner and to feel respected. The natural state of defense many teenagers find themselves in due to their changing hormones and self-perception makes this much more difficult.

When you are struggling to have a basic conversation with your child and they are not willing to engage, it can feel a bit like rejection.  For me that went straight to the heart of my ability as a parent - if I couldn't even have a conversation with my teenagers, what kind of a parent was I!

What can we do about rectifying the situation?  Often it starts with finding a way in, a sort of key to get things started.

• Pick a time or moment that is not too intense - in the car for example.
• Start with an open ended question when initiating.
• Ask to understand, not to share or advise.
• Be mindful : Are you trying to control or converse?
• When they come to you and ask for something, listen!
• Remember how you wanted to be treated at their age

This week Julia is "going solo" as Anke is away on Spring Break with very intermittent internet reception.  

She is exploring that feeling that no one ever listens to me!  

Sometimes everyone in the household can feel like that as everyone is shouting and no one is being heard. Or you can feel like you have lost your voice in the family.  We are talking about why this happens and what you can do about it.

There are so many reasons why we sometimes feel we are disappearing into the background of our own family.

I know Mums who have sons and feel alienated by all the sports talk that goes on, or Dads who have daughters who don't feel like they are part of the chat.

Cultural differences can also make a difference. For example, if your mother tongue is different from your  childrens’.

Likewise, number of children in your family or how you grew up can also have an impact - did you grow up in family that actively encouraged lively debate or were children seen and not heard?

If you are more introverted and just need time on your own after a busy day you may not feel like entering into long discussions with other family members.

People often feel like they have nothing interesting to talk about as well - maybe you have been talked over once too often and that has affected your confidence. And there are so many other things that can affect our confidence - hormones for example!

During the pandemic, more than a third of young adults moved back with their parents - for multiple reasons. And many remain until now, the empty nests are suddenly not empty anymore and it can get quite crowded with now all grown up birds.

As parents it can be difficult to adjust to the changing dynamics of our relationships with our children as they grow older and become more independent. They are not usually open to listening to what advice we have to give - and we are not usually good at holding back with our judgement and observations. Communication can get even more difficult as it had been during their teenage years.

Retaining independence for parents and children whilst living under the same roof can be challenging but by working out your family non negotiables and how to stick to them can help you all live together.

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

He’s just like his father.

Like father, like son

A chip off the old block

She is definitely her mother’s daughter.”

Are these and similar analogies just old fashioned sayings, or do they hold some truth?

Scientific Research, simple observation and common sense show us that children are watching and often modeling their parents’ behavior and attitudes. We might not realize ourselves how big an example we are setting for our children - but as parents we definitely are their first and closest role models.

So we believe this is a wonderful opportunity for us parents to become aware of what exactly we want to model for our kids.

If you look up the definition for role model, it is defined as “a person whose behavior, example, or success is or can be emulated by others, especially by younger people.”

The term in itself does not imply any judgment - that happens, when we judge the behavior that is being imitated or the example that is being set.

There are many discussions about the "nature vs nurture" theory - we will not go deeper into this because we cannot control the “nature” part.

What we can do as parents is take control of the “nurture” part by becoming aware of WHAT we actually are modeling for our kids.Taking honest inventory of our behavior and our parenting style can help us discover if we are truly modeling what we aspire our kids to learn.

If we never questioned any of the beliefs and values we grew up with and live with today, we have unconsciously taken over a system that might not at all reflect our true goals and convictions.

“Do as I say, not as I do” - how is this setting a positive example?

And how often are we actually doing this?

Feeling appreciated for what we do as a parent is a totally normal expectation - we get it at work through annual reviews/pay rises/promotion  - but at home, we often feel taken for granted and overworked - is this, what parenting is supposed to feel like? 

Being a parent is perhaps the most all-inclusive and demanding job we can imagine. It’s difficult to truly convey what running a family with school-age children entails these days, but here’s a very, very, very short list of what this job includes - and it really does not matter if it is Mom or Dad, it will resonate with whoever can relate to this topic.

Here is the list we came up with

Do you find yourself disagreeing with your partner (or parents/in laws)  about the fundamentals of parenting your teenager or young adult?  Do you find yourselves in good cop/bad cop roles but don’t know how to change that? This week we are talking about common issues of disagreement, why they happen and what to do about it.

Common issues that cause conflict

Parenting philosophy

Traditions / Religion

Discipline - sanctions

How teenagers spend their time - online vs real world

Safety - on line and when out and about

Manners

Food

Work ethic

What they do when they have finished formal education - money, supporting themselves, ‘proper jobs’

Boys and girls - parenting differently?

Where did we learn to parent...? And what does that mean for us as a parenting team? 

Listen in and hear what we have to say - and we'd love to hear from you about your challenges regarding this topic! team@parentsarepeople.com

Most companies have a strategic plan for change - be that responding to external factors or change to help them work better and there are many great coaching tools we can use to help us plan for big changes within our own families.

Resistance to change is natural and to be expected and getting buy in from other family members or giving yourself permission is the first step to plan! 

We brainstormed the changes we might experience as parents

• Marriage or a new relationship
• Arrival of a new baby
• Parenting an infant, child, or adolescent
• Growing up and moving away from home
• Adjustment to college or the workplace
• Empty nesting
• Divorce, separation, or recovery from infidelity
• Retirement, job loss, or career changes
• Financial gain or loss
• Serious illness or disability of self or a loved one
• Issues of aging
• Death of a loved one
• Questioning faith or spirituality
• Questioning sexual or gender identity

What’s your time frame? Is the change imminent, 1 year, 3 years or longer? - How far can you look ahead?

How does that look, feel etc to you? Make it real, try to visualize and feel how it will feel for you.

The 3 V’s 

• Vision - where do you want to go
• Values - how to you want to travel  (what’s important to you deep down as you navigate your path 
• Va Va voom - how are you going to fuel yourself (what motivates you, what do you need to feel really energised?)

First step is to eValuate - where are you at?

Then Vision - medium to long term plan - visually, record it, write it, cut and paste it - however it works for you

Values - set your intention - fun, excitement, adventure, peace, harmony, honesty

What do you need - sleep, people, money, confidence,

Don’t wait to start until all the traffic lights are on green because when does that ever happen?!

What’s the first small step (make it too small to ignore)

The only constant in life is change, it is totally normal and part of all of our lives and yet, it can feel strange and uncomfortable. 

Have you recently had a change that had a big impact on you or are you expecting one this year?

Family change tends to have seismic ripples that affect all areas of our lives. So how do we know if we are finding it hard to adapt?

• Thinking that you've "just got to get through this"?
• Feeling stuck, frozen, out of control and having a difficult time making decisions?
• Having a sense of loss more than a sense of gain by the change?
• Feeling angry, frustrated and thinking "why me"?

All of those feelings are very normal and there is nothing wrong with you! 

To hear our suggestions to start addressing those feelings, listen in - and if you think that you would like a deeper dive, and a more personalized look at your situation, please consider joining us for one of our workshops. 

This week we are talking about clarity and peace for the new year and how to get rid of some excess mental baggage so that you can feel lighter and have more energy for your own life and also your family life.

Take the time to evaluate WHO you are, HOW you do things and WHAT it is you want to do. Put yourself a the centre of your life, not the periphery. Be(come) the main character in your own life, like Julia's daughter calls it.

It is like a mental inventory - put everything out on the table, and sort through what is still serving you well, and what is no longer helpful or needed.

You do not need to be a New Year's resolution person, but if you have a dream, or a goal personally or professionally, then look at what it is you want to carry over into this year and what you want to leave in the old one. Look at any regret you have about last year - that is a great way to get started, because that regret can easily become your goal.

This time a year, change is coming as well as the holidays. 

Many people are finding purpose and meaning in helping others and we are conscious that at this time a year many families are also concentrating on their children's college or university applications. For them, life and the schedule as they have known it for a long time are changing.

So - the holidays as well as change are coming.

And with that we were thinking that the epitome of purpose is Santa. He has a whole year to prepare for his big moment to make children and adults happy overnight.

What is your purpose? How does it feel to have a purpose?  We are aware that not everyone has Santa's sense of purpose and might struggle with upcoming changes or also with the current status quo.  

There are loads of good resources about this topic on the internet, but the power of a good group coaching workshop makes a big impact. We are starting our Mission I'm Possible Course on January 26th and 28th and would love for you to check out, if this could be valuable for you. Know your values, we will explore that in our courses. Your values are unconsciously driving so much of your feeling and behavior - it is so impactful to make them a conscious choice! 

Who you are - how you do things and what it is that you want to do. Shining the spotlight on you can be uncomfortable. You have to be ready to be honest with yourself.

We had our podcast topic for today all planned out - but my co-host Julia Close found herself needing to attend to a family emergency. Many of you can surely relate how difficult it can be to care for your teenager or grown but not quite flown kids and your aging and ill parents at the same time.

I decided to take the opportunity to talk about change - as we all experience it and are impacted by it. There are those who  seem to be managing it with greater ease than others - why is that? How do you deal with change and with situations when life does not go according to plan?

As always - we can only scratch the surface in our Podcast. Next week we will be opening enrollment for our small, private and impactful workshop "MISSION I'M POSSIBLE" (conveniently online) - if you want to shift the way you are currently dealing with stressful situations or changes in your life, this workshop will help you to see what you need to address in order to manage it with a lot more positive energy and clarity. We shine the spotlight on you and help you to reconnect to what is truly important for you! We only take 8 participants per workshop to ensure maximum benefit.

November marks the beginning of the holiday season which means time to get ready for those family dinners. We know reuniting family during the holidays is not always stress-free… so much so that we even had to split the topic into two parts!

Does the idea of hosting a holiday get together or going to one bring you out in a cold sweat? Do you dread it because of potential drama and conflict involved? Does it always seem to take you long to recover? In this week's episode we will talk about common issues that come up for many of us now that the holiday season is upon us (but they are also applicable throughout the year whenever extended family gets together).

Family dinners might not be the norm for everyone, for various reasons. You cannot really "practice" and when they happen, you might be feeling they are a like a test for your ability to host, being a Mom, being a (grand)daughter, a niece, even a friend or for being a great guest, coming prepared with everyone (your kids included) in the greatest mood and showcasing the best of table and socializing manners.

• There can be a fear of judgement, a feeling of being "on show", a perception of a competition going on.
• Your interpretation of the words spoken and the actions taken are most often not in your favor and you forget that what people say has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.
• Your expectations of the event as a whole and your family in particular might not be very realistic.
• How do you feel about arguments at the table? Are there "no go" topics?
• Culture can add another layer of complexity, both from an origin perspective as well as from a generational perspective!

When you think about what we have touched upon (Test, Judgement, Competition, Expectation, Interpretation, Conflicts) - what comes up for you?

Which issues resonate the most for your family situation?

What has come up in the past that has been really triggering for you?

What you need to let go off, so you can enjoy the holiday?

This time we will leave you with questions to ponder on - next week we will be talking about what you can do to enjoy the time together more!

Who can relate to those feelings of remorse when we have boiled over and shouted at our kids or partner? We may also feel that however loud we shout, we are still not feeling heard – as if our true voice has got lost along the way and it is making it difficult to calmly respond to situations or even join in a discussion. 

In this episode we will talk about how to deal with those triggers, what might be causing them and how to be more calm and responsive instead of just reacting.

Start by looking at your values – it will lead to greater understanding of what is driving you and therefore when you are more likely to be triggered.

Work out a plan – what will you do when you are triggered? 

Notice what you are hearing the other person say and how it makes you feel

What would be your "default" reaction because of these thoughts and feelings. 

You can CHOOSE or respond to the situation rather than react, when you are aware what triggered your reactiveness.

It can help to write down everytime you are triggered because then you can start to see patterns emerge too.

Example: Dinnertime - I was being extremely triggered by the comments of "Chicken - again?" or "Why do we always have to have this kind of food when we love asian food so much better" or such (I have an endless memory library of dinner related comments...)

I took my family's reaction to the menu as an attack on my character or abilities as a person. It made me feel not appreciated, not respected - and also not able...because had I been "better" at this, I would've managed to present various nutritious 5 star meals on a daily basis. I simply had not communicated clearly that I was just tired and uninspired of coming up with ideas for a healthy and yummy (my values) dinner and needed a break by either ideas or practical help with this. What we hear is often not what has been said!

ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED

Advice, help, suggestions, fixing, guidance, recommendations – they can all be great when asked for or paid for but when they come without asking then they can feel rude, unhelpful and at worst a criticism of what we do or who we are. In this episode we will explore why unsolicited advice is so triggering (especially from family) and what you can do to help yourself deal with it. 

We have all been on both ends of this. You are telling someone about a challenge or issue you are having, and they immediately start telling you what they believe you need to do. You find yourself justifying your own feelings and actions, are even more unclear about the situation and are possibly feeling smaller and even triggered. You do not feel heard, and you were not able to process and to feel supported.

So what can you do?  ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED!

If you need to just brain dump and talk through issues then ask for listening. If you don’t want to hurt feelings then ask for advice on a small issue but for thinking help them to work through the bigger issue.  It starts right here,with you - working out what it is you need.

Politely but firmly put up your boundaries and communicate what you need.

• I know you mean well, but Im not looking for advice. What Id really like is ___________________.
• Right now, I just want to vent. Im not looking for solutions. 
• The most helpful thing you can do is to sit with me and listen - I appreciate your ideas, but I want to figure this out on my own.
• I feel inadequate and annoyed when you repeatedly tell me what to do.

And if you are on the other end, look for the reason and motivation WHY you are giving unsolicited advice. 

Someone telling you about a problem isn't an invitation for you to give advice. Often, people just want to be heard and understood, they want to process and feel supported, they don't want to be told what to do or what you think. 

Let’s start by looking at some of the reasons for giving unsolicited advice:

• We want to be helpful.
• We want to get someone to do what we want or what we think is right.
• We think we have the answers, that we know more than the other person.
• We want to feel needed
• We want to reduce our own anxiety. Sometimes were really worried about a loved one and feel powerless. We don't know what else to do, so we give unsolicited advice to calm our anxiety, to feel like we're doing something.

The only constant is change

Last time we talked about some of the emotions and feelings we experience when our family dynamics change – when we become empty nesters for example – and how the stages of the cycle of change affect how we are able to deal with change. This time we will be sharing practical steps to help – there is gold in there!

If change is the only constant - what can we do to help ourselves ?

What do we need to address in order to feel that life is happening for us and not happening to us, and to move into the action phase of change instead of feeling triggered by thinking about everything that is not staying the same?

External factors

Spiritual – connecting ourselves to a ‘bigger thing’ – why purpose matters

Social – who do we need to surround ourselves with?

Physical – sleep, eating , hormones and health – what’s best for us – what can we do to best help ourselves?

Emotional – what do we need to acknowledge, how do we choose to feel moving forwards

Environmental – what is the best environment for us to thrive?

Mental – What will help us find  clarity?

All are connected – when we understand how to set ourselves up for success then we are ready for the next part

It is without doubt one of the biggest events in the life of every parent when the child is graduating from school and moving on to college or work. It means leaving the nest, it means more independence for them and less supervision / control for the parents. And it also means a time of true blues for some parents - when they feel that they are not needed anymore and find themselves struggling to see purpose in their empty nester lives. Grief, sadness, loss of purpose and fear of the unknown impact on your little family unit are often accompanying this transition. How can we see this as gaining space and not a void?

Does this resonate with you? Share your questions, comments or story with us! We want to hear from you! team@parentsarepeople.com

And check out our website, see if you can make a Drop-In Session and share it with your friends and colleagues! We want every parent to feel that they have a space to come to for sharing, resources, coaching - and feeling good!

This week we will be talking about those moments when you feel you have hit a brick wall - you have a tricky family situation or issue and you've tried everything and nothing works! A situation we - and our clients - have been in many times. It does not matter if your kids are little and are constantly fighting or having tantrums, if you are dealing with uncommunicative and hormonal teenagers or unmotivated, stubborn young adults. The feelings of helplessness, frustration, and anger are just the same for us parents. 

What can we do to stop feeling stuck and start finding solutions?

Well, firstly we want you to know - it is absolutely normal and totally understandable that you would feel the way you do - after all, as parents we all want our kids to be happy, safe and successful in life! We want the best for our children and it is really hard to accept when they so vehemently and obviously rebel against us. We fear for their future, we feel guilty (so many reasons...), we feel shame (what are others thinking of you or your child?)

I mean, we want to be the best parent, we plan and organize, we make sure that they are set up for the smoothest launch. Obviously, you have tried everything but you have not been able to resolve your challenges. So in order to help you do that, let us  take the focus off of the "problem", the child that doesn't comply, the terrible situation you are in - and look at a bigger picture. Widen your lens - and look at your own contribution to the situation. 

Realizing that you cannot control other people (not even your children)  but only yourself, is the first step!  You cannot control them BUT you can take charge!

Start by finding out what your needs are instead of concentrating on what you think your child needs. What are your non-negotiable values? Identify your triggers - can you see a pattern?  It is difficult, but try to walk in your child's shoes and see it from their point of view (You do not have to agree - just notice it) Share - have an amnesty where each of you just talks and the other listens without comment or judgment. 

Feelings of frustration and anger are normal when confronted with a road block. 

• Take time to listen to your own needs and those of your child, teen or young adult. Differentiate between your own needs and theirs.
• Ask yourself if your actions are empowering them, helping them to grow and find a way themselves? 
• How are your actions and behaviors aligned with your own values?
• Where is the common ground? 
• What assumptions are you both making about each other?
• Be honest about what is driving you -  this is big stuff, so it will take some time!

Please know that we can only scratch the  surface of this very layered and complex topic, we will pick it up again during our Drop-In Sessions starting Friday, October 7th (9am EST / 2pm BST) Registration starts next Tuesday .