Pickles and Vodka: a Mental Health Podcast

Grab your monocle and join us as we digest Heathers (1988) with our friend Orion!

TRIGGER WARNING: This film deals heavily in themes of suicide, sexual assault, emotional abuse, and other sensitive topics. While we attempt to broach these in a respectful way, they are unavoidable in this episode. As always, trust your gut and stay safe.

Did you know the podcast turns 5 years old soon? If we've meant anything to you, let us know by December 1st to be featured in a special anniversary episode. See below for ways to contact us:

One of us has a breakdown on air and the other is forced into the role of both interviewer and therapist. Somehow, we push through.

Did you know the podcast turns 5 years old in a few weeks? If we've meant anything to you in whatever capacity, let us know by December 1st to be featured in a special anniversary episode. See below for ways to contact us:

Lauren brings the topic this week and we soon find ourselves up to our elbows in discomfort. Along the way, we ask ourselves...why DO we chase rock bottom? And what happens when we find out it doesn't exist?

TRIGGER WARNING: while we avoid numbers and most details, we tell some personal stories involving weight, substance abuse, and self-harm on this episode. As always, stay safe. (And don't drink so much caffeine that you end up like us.)

If you have thoughts about this episode, see below for ways to share with us and spark the next conversation:

How do you responsibly find the balance between caring too much and too little about a cause? Is it possible (or healthy?) to pick and choose what to care about? How do you take care of yourself now so you can show up to care about other things later? We answer these questions and more on another vulnerable episode. Enjoy!

Thanks Orion for today's listener voicemail! See below for ways to contact us with your own thoughts:

This week we talk about showing up when the world is on fire and nothing we do feels like it makes a difference. Plus, Christina spirals on two hours of sleep and Lauren reveals a hidden talent.

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Our attempt at a loosey-goosey episode gets heavy faster than you can say "fear of death". We talk about struggling to love yourself when you hate humanity, speculate about our breakup patterns, and call each other out on our respective growth. Pico disagrees with us on multiple occasions.

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This week our friend and longtime listener Orion joins us to talk about growing up in a cult, coming to terms with his trans identity, why he developed an eating disorder, and how to be in recovery when everything is chaos and you want to die. Plus, Lauren makes an accusation and Christina loses the script entirely. Enjoy!

This episode contains content that may be sensitive for those dealing with eating disorders, food, weight, and suicidal ideation. As always, please take care of yourself when listening.

This week we pop off about the unfortunate state of—well, everything. Topics include struggling in eating disorder recovery, getting blindsided at work, censoring yourself in therapy, and what we wish we could tell people about our toxic coping mechanisms. Enjoy?

It's a big day because we're interviewing our first guest as cohosts! Vikki is here to talk about the events preceding—and following—meeting Lauren on the internet 20 years ago. From religious baggage and bulimia buddies to landing in eating disorder treatment after undergoing gastric bypass surgery, Vikki shares what has helped her arrive on the other side of "normal". (Spoiler alert: it doesn't exist.)

For this episode, we have left a few numbers uncensored since all parties involved felt it would bring representation to an underrepresented minority. Content may be sensitive to those struggling with eating disorders, body image, and weight.

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This week we revisit the idea of normalizing mental health and whether our experiences have helped us accomplish this. Tangents include our quest for guests, comfort shows, Portia de Rossi’s anorexia memoir, medical hot takes, capitalism, and a massive breakthrough in the case of the mystery farm animals. Enjoy!

Books we mentioned in this episode:

• Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain by Portia De Rossi
• Weird in a World That's Not: A Career Guide for Misfits, F*ckups, and Failures by Jennifer Romolini

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On this episode, we give some personal updates after last week's reveals, share some listener feedback, and beg for guests. We DEFINITELY don't have an entire segment about vaping. Enjoy!

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This week we practice getting uncomfortable and share what's been happening since our unplanned hiatus. Topics include being honest with yourself, fresh starts, not wanting help, waiting for change, and how much sharing is too much sharing. Plus, Christina forgets Lauren’s birthday on air and we prove once and for all that we’ve lost control of this podcast. Enjoy!

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We share listener responses to the question "What keeps you functioning?" and the conversation goes off the proverbial rails. Lauren makes multiple confessions, Christina gets a diagnosis, and we revel in our professionalism. Enjoy!

Content warning for eating disorders, addiction, and suicide.

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What does it even mean to function, anyway? On this episode, we discuss the concept of high functioning and whether or not we agree with it. Tangents include money, vaping, anxiety, and trying too hard to take matters into our own hands.

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Lauren returns from residential treatment and all hell breaks loose. Just kidding...or are we?

Thanks Vikki for this week's listener voicemail! And thanks to everyone who reached out to Lauren in her absence. We love you all and can't wait to get back to our regular program–whatever that looks like.

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This minisode brought to you by technical difficulties and listener Vikki. The sound is funky because Christina made an oopsie, but nothing matters and we're existentially exhausted. Enjoy!

Mild content warning for substance abuse, weight, and suicide.

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Happy Pride! Join Christina and her friend Teddy for a vulnerable conversation about gender identity, sobriety, eating disorder recovery, art, and advocating for yourself in a world determined to silence you.

We kick off this episode with a voicemail from Lauren in treatment, then Christina shares why therapy has been a struggle. A listener message sparks a discussion on sadness, injustice, helplessness, and connection. A past guest makes a surprise appearance and offers an unexpected reminder. Enjoy!

Thanks to Orion for today's listener voicemail! Message us on Instagram or use one of the methods below to share your own thoughts.

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Joining Christina this week is another Andrew to talk about the events that transpired since they met in a Seattle treatment center in 2021. Topics include chronic addiction rooted in childhood, asking for help and facing your privilege, the importance of maintenance, rock bottoms at Trader Joe's, and sparkly retainers. Content warning for eating disorders, substance abuse, and suicide.

Christina explains the recent lack of episodes and gets real casual real fast. Topics include the heaviness of depression, surrendering to the chaos, shame, smoothies, and what's to come. Special guest appearance by ???

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It’s Lauren’s last episode before treatment, so naturally Christina put her in the hot seat! Listen to hear her share what she’s afraid of, what she’s looking forward to most, what she hopes will be different this time, and why YOU should have some f*cking self compassion. We also talk about what to expect from the pod in the weeks ahead. Enjoy!

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With the days counting down until Lauren returns to treatment, we spend this episode revisiting past stays. Some highlights include contraband caffeine, a possessed Bop-It, what happens when you let people with eating disorders plan a wedding feast, smoke break revelations, and some unexpected breaking of barriers. Enjoy!

Content warning for eating disorders, suicide, and substance abuse.

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We play a listener voicemail sent in response to the question “What’s going on with you?” This unlocks a conversation about fitting in and doing the work in the face of constant existential dread that wants you as miserable as possible. Lauren gives a treatment update, Christina talks about beer, and we disagree about gratitude journals. Enjoy!

Special thanks to Orion (@robotakiss) for this week’s voicemail!

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How do you curate a sense of security in the face of uncertainty? We don't really have the answer, but we DO have lots of anxiety-fueled stories. Tangents this week include introducing parents to friends (and why Christina loves it), which country Lauren is considering escaping to with her dog, and Jodi Picoult. Enjoy!

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Our listeners respond to the question “What helps when nothing really helps?” We also use a negative experience to start a conversation about accountability, communication, and personal growth. Enjoy!

Special thanks to listeners Heather and Orion for sending in voicemails this week! We really want to send y’all stickers.

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What do you minimize and why? More importantly, what would it take for you to believe that it’s valid? In this episode, we tackle this question for ourselves and also hear what some of you had to say. Listen to hear how we minimized ourselves into “rock bottom” only to minimize some more, ways we flew under the radar by ignoring our needs, and why we should all be emotional maximalists.

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Inspired by tabloid news, your attention-deficit cohosts have a conversation about labels in the mental health world. Topics and tangents include:

• Ways we feel stuck and ashamed in our eating disorders this week
• Glennon Doyle’s recent anorexia diagnosis and ensuing controversy
• Differentiating professional diagnoses and personal labels
• Labels we’ve given ourselves, labels others have given us, and labels we’ve reclaimed
• How online dating has changed the way we label ourselves
• Reddit and r/ProED (RIP)
• When it’s healthy to internalize labels and when to let them go
• Our most low-effort (but still delicious) palate cleanser yet

CONTENT WARNING: We talk about eating disorders more than usual on this episode, though we try not to go into detail when it comes to behaviors. No pressure to listen if this type of conversation is triggering to you in any way.

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Today's episode draws from listener feedback to discuss ways we can set boundaries for ourselves and what to do when your boundaries aren't respected. Topics (and tangents!) include:

• Getting reported on Instagram
• Our attempts to diagnose ourselves with ADHD (and what we learned thanks to Google)
• Listening to your gut and creating boundaries from a place of self-respect
• How to form boundaries when you have low self-esteem and worry about losing people
• How to say no and exit with grace
• Times we've broken our own boundaries
• Times someone else drew a boundary against us
• Physical boundaries, verbal boundaries, using body language to convey boundaries, and everything in between
• Lil Peep, Everybody's Everything, and substance use
• A bill of rights

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Your imperfect yet oh-so-professional cohosts return in the new year to dish about the past and take a messy look into family dynamics. (Dish about family? Look messily into the past? Take your pick.)

Topics (and tangents) include:

• The incident that blew up Lauren’s life right after we recorded our in-person episode two weeks ago
• More insurance nightmares
• The LIVE ON-AIR death of Gary the microphone
• A milestone for Christina and why she doesn’t want to talk about it
• How our respective families deal with secrets and what happens when they get out
• Our reactions when family members share they’ve been sharing similar struggles
• Thinking back to all the times we were f*cked up at family events and wondering why nobody said anything
• Anxieties around spilling our guts on the Internet for anyone to hear
• Ways addiction and depression has been talked about (and covered up) in our families
• Being vulnerable with people who don’t know how to respond
• Controversy around weed

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Happy New Year, hot and spicy pickles! Today we are FINALLY releasing the episode we made in Lauren's living room after meeting in person for the first time. We answer listener questions, give out tragic awards, and attempt to hold it together in the only ways we know how. Enjoy! 

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This week we’re baring it all in an attempt to keep being honest on this stupid show. Topics include:

• Why we’re tired of being strong for the holidays (and in general)
• Ways we’ve been struggling and why talking about it is hard
• Mental roadblocks preventing you from seeking support
• Turning to substances and self-harm instead of being vulnerable
• Putting on a shell to protect yourself from being disappointed
• Being vulnerable at the wrong place or time
• Spilling your guts online vs IRL
• Drifting away from friends and blaming yourself
• Ways vulnerability has helped—and hurt—us
• Things you can do to make vulnerability more accessible

As we wrap up another year of Pickles and Vodka, we want to thank you for taking a chance and being vulnerable with us. Y’all keep us sane. (Or at least sane-ish.)

We are recording LIVE and IN PERSON for the first time ever next week! Follow us on social media to join the fun:

It's messy, it's nonlinear AF, and it's definitely not for everyone. We are, of course, talking about recovery. Today's Pickle Poll episode draws from listener comments and voicemails to discuss the following:

• How we define recovery (or lack thereof) for ourselves
• Chronic mental illness, losing hope, and seeing recovery as an unaffordable luxury
• The “anecdote equals fact” approach and why it pisses Lauren off
• How to get to a place where you actually want to recover
• How to replace self-destruction as an outlet
• The temptation to make recovery your entire identity
• Recovery gatekeepers and how Christina keeps people guessing
• Lapses, relapses, and everything in between
• Performative recovery and being honest with yourself
• Finding a reason to recover (and what to do if you don't have one)

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Find a cozy seat and join us this week as we talk about therapy! Topics include:

• The events that led us each to therapy for the first time
• Times therapy saved our lives
• Times therapy traumatized us
• How therapy can help bring out your inner child
• Getting ghosted or fired by your therapist
• Paying for therapy
• Setting boundaries with your therapist
• Contacting your therapist after hours (and which of us has done it)
• Pros and cons of group therapy
• Tips for someone who is looking for their first therapist
• Virtual vs in-person therapy

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This week we’re talking about the ways we and our listeners have romanticized mental illness in the past, why we trick ourselves into forgetting how bad it actually got, and how to find meaning outside of our pain. Subtopics include:

• Feeling guilty as an adult who previously idealized their mental illness when others seem to struggle without a choice
• Is romanticizing mental illness a sign of immaturity or naïveté?
• Whether romanticizing mental illness at a young age is related to diagnoses later in life
• The role of media and celebrities in bringing awareness (and romanticization) to certain mental illnesses
• Fear of becoming less interesting when we pursue healthy coping methods
• Seeing someone else model a toxic behavior and attempting to copy them
• Only romanticizing our lives when we’re struggling
• Symptom switching
• Feeling nostalgic for the past and accidentally repeating history
• Ways we remind ourselves that we are more than our mental illness

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Christina picked the topic for today’s episode and we ran with it! Join us for an extra vulnerable conversation where we discuss the following:

• What is imposter syndrome and who suffers?
• Feeling like you don’t deserve to have a voice
• How we have struggled (and continue to struggle) with imposter syndrome in our personal lives and on the podcast
• Types of imposter syndrome and which ones we relate to
• Short- and long-term effects of imposter syndrome
• Feeling like an imposter when you’re sick and in recovery
• Feeling fake as a result of undergoing change (even though change can be good!)
• Ways we validate ourselves and take up space

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Today we cover a topic we’ve been wanting to do forever: toxic positivity! Through listener comments and personal stories, we discuss the following:

• Not being allowed to be unhappy
• Why we can tend to be overly positive when supporting someone who is struggling
• Stonewalling ourselves to fit in with positivity culture
• External vs internal toxic positivity
• Not being able to trust people who are positive all the time
• Is it possible to choose our attitudes?
• Good ol’ minimizing
• Letting people see the natural state you live in
• Being grateful while suffering
• Is stark realism the response to toxic positivity?
• Toxic positivity as a response to starting recovery
• What happens when you stifle wounds in positivity instead of addressing them
• Motivational quotes in design

Other tangents include:

• Our voting stories
• Lauren making contraband cold brew in treatment and Christina’s stance on Starbucks as a former employee
• Weed as anxiety relief
• Contemplations on straight edge and recovery as a way of life vs a state of being

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Today we talk about different types of trauma and whether we agree that distinctions matter. Subtopics include: 

• The difference between “big T” Trauma and “little T” trauma and why the terms even exist
• How even "little t" trauma can lead to serious repercussions if overlooked
• Comparing your experiences to others and minimizing what happened to you 
• Reconciling trauma with its well-meaning inflictors 
• Sex, religion, and divorce...oh f*ck! 
• The pervasiveness of intergenerational trauma 
• Self-inflicted trauma and ways you might be gaslighting yourself 
• Cultural trauma and how the same events can affect people differently Friend breakups and how traumatizing they can be 
• How accepting the validity of your trauma can help you connect to others 

Also included in this episode: 

• Lauren's moving drama 
• A surprising Pickles and Vodka reference from a listener 
• Why we aren't having kids Christina to quit vaping??? 
• Our most extra palate cleanser yet 

Enjoy!! 

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Happy Halloween, hot and spicy pickles! Today we discuss the following topics:

• Minimizing death while being afraid to talk about it
• Losing people young and being forced to deal with it before you’re ready
• What it’s like to be in your 30s without ever having experienced an interpersonal death
• Nonlinear grieving and why every reaction to death is appropriate
• The number one disrupter of funerals
• Possibility of afterlife, nihilism, and dying without religion
• Christina coming out as an atheist to her parents after a motorcycle crash
• Why a good mortician is absolutely necessary (and why all good morticians deserve raises)
• Lauren’s shocking secret and Christina’s reaction
• Historical reasons why modern society is less comfortable with death
• Death as an abstract experience vs medical event
• Using death as an excuse to celebrate life
• Vampire tropes and what they can teach us about being alive
• Alyssa’s life hack for accepting the idea of not existing anymore

On this episode, your infamously imperfect cohosts have a conversation about perfectionism. Subtopics include:

• How Christina REALLY felt about the 100th episode
• Where do you draw the line between self-improvement and perfectionism?
• How we're trying to give ourselves some slack
• Lauren’s new therapist and how many sessions is too many before calling it quits
• Putting guards up as a result of asking for help and getting burned
• Lifejournal, pen pals, and the advent of digital cameras
• Wanting your place to be always spotless in case you die away from home
• Perfectionism at work
• Redefining the concept of “perfect”
• Cats

Enjoy! Don’t forget to answer this week’s Pickle Poll by following us on social media below (or answering the question directly below if you're on Spotify!):

IT'S OUR CENTENNIAL, BABY! Christina reminisces about starting Pickles and Vodka by herself in 2018 and what it was like to be bulimic and in active addiction while putting out new episodes every week. Lauren reveals what was going on in her head when she took on the role of cohost and why she's decided to reject toxic recovery dialogues and embrace realism. Most importantly, we discuss the concept of vulnerability and why uncomfortable conversations can be the difference between isolation and healing. We play a bunch of listener voicemails, go on some noteworthy tangents, and feel a lot of feelings. CHEERS, FRIENDS!

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It's a bonus episode! Lauren sits down to tell the story of how she spent the weekend of 9/9 in an ER holding room and then a psych ward. Although we bring our signature humor, this is definitely a more serious episode with mentions of suicide, depression, food/weight, and psychological trauma. Listen with care and stay safe. (Don't worry, there is a hilarious Pickle Palate Cleanser at the end to balance everything out.)

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