Rock-n-Roll Autopsy

The boys compile a list of clickbait worthy metal songs, get sassy in go-go boots, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Nancy Sinatra’s 1966 chart-topping, foot-stomping hit, “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'.”

The boys audition several iPads for their upstart rock ‘n roll band, lament the absence of free chicks in their chosen vocation, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Dire Straits’ 1985 MTV smash hit, “Money for Nothing.”

The boys wear spandex to a retirement party, impress Michael Jackson with lame fat jokes, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of “Weird Al” Yankovic’s 1988 portly pop parody, “Fat.”

The boys enjoy dial-up internet with Richie Sambora, use racist cosplay and bad dinner theater to fight the inevitable irrelevance of age, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Styx’s 1983 synth-pop sensation, “Mr. Roboto.”

The boys battle middle-age mid-sections, commit political suicide on antenna TV, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Filter’s mid 90’s mid-west industrial metal hit, “Hey Man Nice Shot.”

The boys attempt to mediate a Pink Floyd peace treaty, hire a team of outside writers to stay relevant, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Ozzy’s Grammy winning title track, “Patient Number 9.”

The boys stubbornly refuse to discuss the 2023 Rock Hall nominations, offset cocaine induced hearing loss with reverb, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Prince’s 1984 sex fiend serenade, “Darling Nikki”

The boys offer unsolicited financial advice to rock stars, shame Phil Anselmo into taking an online cultural sensitivity course, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Butthole Surfers’ 1996 slacker rock hit, “Pepper.”

The boys share more bad news, make ridiculously unfounded claims about Dolly Parton, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Rammstein’s 1997 slab of German industrial metal, “Du Hast.”

The boys discuss the sudden losses of Jeff Beck and Lisa Marie Presley, prop Ozzy Osbourne up for an ill-conceived return to reality TV, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Huey Lewis and the News’ 1984 power pop rock anthem, “The Heart of Rock & Roll.”

The boys cancel their subscriptions to Rolling Stone, debate the intent of voluptuous voyeurism, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Queen’s 1978 rotund rock hit, “Fat Bottomed Girls.”

The boys pair red backwards baseball caps w/cheap rented tuxedos, attend The Poddys awards gala, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Limp Bizkit’s 2000 nu metal rap rock hit, “Rollin’ (Air Raid Vehicle).”

The boys light the holiday ham candle, celebrate the season by sharing a few of their favorite Christmas songs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of AC/DC’s 1990 randy reindeer rocker, “Mistress for Christmas.”

The boys sexualize baking ingredients, get lap dances at the Back Bar, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Def Leppard’s 1987 pop rock hit, “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”

The boys count on one, extend 100,000 Years, & wax philosophic about Peter Criss, paradiddles, polyrhythms, Peart, & other percussive pontifications.

The boys chew on Metallica’s surprise “Lux Æterna” single and “72 Seasons” album announcement, debate the artistic intent of W. Axl Rose, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Guns N’ Roses’ 1988 controversial EP epic, “One in a Million.”

The boys admire their facial warts, wax philosophic about their sexual prowess, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Motorhead’s 1991 braggadocious blues, “I’m So Bad (Baby I Don’t Care).”

With their over-used lab unfit for pathological dissection the boys put down their scalpels & have an overwrought discussion about over-rehearsed, over-coached, & over-cooked moments in the careers of Dream Theater and AC/DC.

The boys break out the cowbell, drop gratuitous F-bombs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Rage Against The Machine’s 1992 protest anthem, “Killing In The Name.”

The boys wage a valiant war on diaper rash, age out of angry heavy metal, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Slayer’s 1986 thrash classic, “Angel of Death.”

The boys time travel to the offensive 80s, get high on catnip, kitty litter, and coke, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Steel Panther’s brand new 2022 raunchy rocker, “Never Too Late (To Get Some Pu**y Tonight).”

The boys suffer through an angry, awkward puberty, write nerdy poetry about lycanthropes, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Samhain’s 1984 goth punk rocker, “The Howl.”

The boys lament the implications of tiny hands, get loaded on childhood swigs of Dad’s vintage beer, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Alice Cooper’s 1975 shock rock classic, “Cold Ethyl.”

The boys do mountains of blow w/ Stephen King, struggle to close Jimi Hendrix’s casket, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of the Ramones’ 1989 radio hit, “Pet Sematary.”

The boys sing hooky hymns about human sacrifice, practice satanism, songcraft, and silliness, and attempt to rank the catalogue of Swedish occult rockers, Ghost.

The boys replace their drum heads with pie filling, write elevator music for record execs, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Warrant’s 1990 hair metal anthem, “Cherry Pie.”

The boys learn to swim with Bill Hicks, write a dystopian diatribe against celebrity culture, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Tool’s 1997 alt-metal epic, “Ænema.”

The boys wear animal print cod pieces with circular saw blades, score a spot on Tipper’s Filthy Fifteen mixtape, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of W.A.S.P.’s 1984 controversial classic, “Animal (F**k Like A Beast).”

The boys break format to review Megadeth’s sixteenth studio album, The Sick, The Dying… And The Dead!

The boys break format to discuss woefully irresponsible celebrity parents, watch 1981’s Halloween II, and get mauled by apex feline roommates.

The boys fall for the “popcorn bucket in the lap trick” at the movie theater, piss on the Alamo while wearing Sharon Osbourne’s knickers, and toss around a few biopic candidates they’d like to see on the big screen.

The boys pass gas on the intercom at WalMart, conflate flatulence with Freud’s Oedipus complex, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The Doors’ 1967 art-rock epic, “The End.”

The boys engage in more public drunkenness, innocently dehumanize people with cap guns, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Anthrax’s 1987 thrash classic, “Indians.”

The boys engulf themselves in Marilyn Manson’s groin, woodshed Smoke on the Water for music class, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The White Stripes’ 2003 garage-rock hit, “Seven Nation Army.”

The boys squeeze into their wive’s red tights, rediscover a lost episode, and call Mother mooch to rave about Black Sabbath’s 1975 experimental masterpiece, “Sabotage.”

The boys fail multiple roadside sobriety tests, share a motel room with creeping religious authoritarianism, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Clutch’s 2004 alt-metal rocker, “Profits of Doom.”

The boys hide a stiff sock under the mattress, lament mistreating ex-girlfriends, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Alanis Morissette’s 1995 post-grunge hit, “You Oughta Know.”

The boys suffer from beer induced erectile dysfunction, rewatch Eraserhead, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Dead Kennedys’ 1981 party-rock mock anthem, “Too Drunk to Fuck.”

The boys lament the loss of legacy media, celebrate the consistent mediocrity of Brook Jacoby, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Tom Petty’s 2002 corporate radio critique, “The Last DJ.”

The boys take their dreams of stardom to Hollywood, bat cleanup for Tony Danza, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of System of a Down’s 2005 La-la land twin lament, “Old School Hollywood” and “Lost in Hollywood.”

The boys age out of the 27 Club, eat cheeseburgers with Gene Simmons, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The Pretty Reckless’ 2021 requiem for fallen rockers, “Rock and Roll Heaven.”

The boys party like lawless, pillaging vikings, get overly sentimental about the banalities of home, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Motley Crue’s 1985 power ballad prototype, “Home Sweet Home.”

The boys hurl gobs of spit at each other, have an unnecessarily convoluted debate about rock fan boundaries, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Pink Floyd’s 1979 art rock opera, “In the Flesh?.”

The boys cannibalize the blues, ad-lib an orgasm, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Led Zeppelin’s 1969 hard rock classic, “Whole Lotta Love.”

The boys grease up their devilocks, kill a couple of babies, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The Misfits’ 1980 horror punk shocker, “Last Caress.”

The boys demand respect from two-faced friends, make manly music mainstream, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Pantera’s 1992 groove metal classic, “Walk.”

The boys lace up their Adidas, get down on a muffin, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Aerosmith & Run-DMC’s 1986 genre bending collaboration, “Walk This Way.”

The boys break out of a slump by busting a move, do some research at Studio 54, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of The Rolling Stones’ 1978 number one hit, “Miss You.”

The boys break out the Simmons drums, get abducted by aliens, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Van Halen’s 1986 synth-pop hit, “Love Walks In.”

The boys drive a stake in the heart of hair metal, become reluctant icons of Generation X, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Nirvana’s revolutionary 1991 juggernaut, “Smells Like Teen Spirit.”

The boys ditch the kabuki makeup and spandex for Dr. Martens and flannel, trade their libido for self-loathing, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of KISS’ grungy 1997 single, “Jungle.”

The boys attend a Super Bowl halftime show in the rain, watch reruns of Hee Haw, and give props to a few of their favorite under-appreciated guitar heroes.

The boys finally put their years of medical school debt to use, deliver an overwrought eulogy, and use the scientific method to conduct an autopsy on the corpse of Kip Winger’s controversial hit, “Seventeen.”

The boys elevate from the norm, abandon fear, and hunt for crossed signals in the flickering light of Rush’s 1981 masterpiece, Moving Pictures.

The boys sing silly love songs, imagine the Beatles in the 70s, and wonder if it’s better to burn out or fade away.

The boys engage in a nuanced and thoughtful discussion about AC/DC’s ridiculously randy lyrics.

The boys confuse Cleveland for Cooperstown, kick out a bevy of boomers, and debate who should stay and who should go in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

The boys write shorter songs, hire a big shot producer, and examine five thrash bands who attempted to duplicate Metallica’s path to success.

The boys head south for the winter, listen to swamp rock, and shoot the breeze with multi-talented lead vocalist and songwriter, Jennifer Lauren of the band Diamonds and Whiskey.

The boys put bacon in their underpants, thank God for dead drummers, and construct a dream Rock-n-Roll band from centerfield.

The boys get fired by Mickey Mouse, eat peaches while debating double entendres, and share two of their favorite albums from the 90s.

The boys go on a game show, shoplift incense, and make whoopie with Bob Eubanks.

The boys rock out with septuagenarians, attend a renaissance fair, and double down on writing the same song again and again.

The boys jeopardize the success of their young podcast, alienate listeners, and compile a controversial list of overrated bands.

The boys do some blow, scoop their mids, and dive into the bass-less anomaly that is Metallica’s 1988 masterpiece, “… And Justice for All.”

The boys desperately attempt to age gracefully in kabuki makeup and spandex while debating the artistic merit of KISS and their 1977 classic song, “Love Gun.”