Stoic Coffee Break

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” 

– Marcus Aurelius

On this podcast I talk a lot about being responsible for for your own actions and thoughts, but what does that really mean? How do you actually accomplish this?

When you take responsibility for yourself, you recognize that it’s your own thoughts which create your feelings. You can step back and see that you can change how you view a situation. Regardless of what anyone else does or says, you are in command of your emotions. By choosing to think differently about what is happening around you, you don’t give power to other people over how you feel.

If we are upset because of what someone else said, we don’t blame them for how we feel. No one can make us feel anything without our permission. And while this is great in theory, it is hard to put into practice. Even our language makes it easy to blame others. “You made me so angry!”

On the flip side of that, we do not own someone else’s feelings. If they feel something, it is their own thinking that creates their feelings. They are responsible for how they feel, not you. This doesn’t mean that we have to be jerks. We can be compassionate and understanding. But if they don’t like something we say and they blame us for how they feel, we don’t take ownership of that.

What does it mean to be responsible?

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good person should be. Be one.”

– Marcus Aurelius

I think the biggest key to taking responsibility for you actions comes down to one thing: Choice.

Choices are active. Being responsible means choosing to take action, rather than being acted upon.

Choose your response to others instead of just reacting. Reactions are giving up our ability to choose.

In every situation, we have choices. They may not be many but we always have a choice.

Rather than simply waiting for something to happen so you can respond, be proactive and choose to act.

Don’t just avoid doing evil, choose to actively do good.

Rather than avoiding saying mean things, choose to say encouraging things.

Rather than trying to not get angry, we can work on being kind and compassionate.

Rather than avoiding an uncomfortable situation, face it head on with courage.

Take action.

How do we get better at taking action? 

As with developing any skill, the first step is awareness. The more aware we about what we think, what we say, and what we do, the more we can choose those things, rather than reacting. Awareness always takes lots of work. It means that we can’t run on autopilot. The brain tries to be efficient by relying on emotions or gut feelings. These are shortcuts. Being truly aware is hard. It means that we look at the situation, applying logic, think about options and outcomes, then act on our decision. 

As we become more aware of our own thoughts, words, and actions, we need to take some time to think about what kind of person we want to be. We need to ask if those thoughts and actions help us become the kind of person we want to be? We need to plan how we want to act in a given situation. Then act. If there is one thing that I can recommend that will really help with this, it’s paying attention to the language we use. We can practice changing our language. “I felt sad when I heard what you said.” Even further: “I felt sad, because I thought X when I heard what you said.” 

Taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions is not easy. But I think it becomes easier when we take an actively making choices, rather than just passively avoiding uncomfortable situations. Be the driver of your life, not just a passive onlooker.

"A number of our blessings do us harm, for memory brings back the agony of fear while foresight brings it on prematurely. No one confines his unhappiness to the present.” 

— Seneca

How different would your life be if you could live without fear? 

What kind of person would you be and what actions would you take if you weren’t afraid?

 Fear is a powerful force in our lives. It can be the driver of action or inaction. Because it taps into the hard wiring of our lizard brains, it pushes us into reacting in ways that are more basic and instinctual. In todays episode we talk about where fear comes from, and how to manage it.

“To achieve freedom and happiness, you need to grasp this basic truth: some things in life are under your control, and others are not.”

- Epictetus

The first and most important teaching of Stoicism is that there are things that we control, and things we cannot and that we should focus on the things that we can control and let go of the rest. This seems like a very clear concepts, but is one of the hardest things to master. Truly understanding and taking responsibility for the things that you can control is hard. It is much easier to blame our misfortunes and unhappiness on things outside of ourselves. But every time we do this, we allow ourselves to become a victim, and come no closer to solving the issue we’re dealing with.

But how do we deal with things that we can’t control, but have a big impact on us? For example, we can’t control what other people do or say. Does this mean that we have to just let them do what they are going to do and just live with however their actions impact us? I think that Stoicism gives us some tools to handle these situations.

http://stoic.coffee/blog/170-boundaries/

"I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others." - Marcus Aurelius 

"How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy." - Marcus Aurelius 

Marcus Aurelius warned us worrying about the opinion of others is a waste of time. But, if we live with other people and are social animals, shouldn’t we worry about what others think? No, because what others think doesn’t change the intrinsic value of who or what is being judged. It’s just a thought in their mind. That is all. 

While this is an easy concept to grasp, it is a hard thing to implement. From the day we’re born we seek the approval of other. Our parents and family at home. Our teachers at school. Our friends and co-workers. We all want to be liked. But does someone’s opinion of us change our intrinsic value? Does someone else’s thoughts make us a better or worse person? No, it doesn’t. What other people think doesn’t have any bearing on whether you are a good or bad person. Whether you have value or not. 

So what happens if we stop worrying about what other people think? We save ourselves a lot of stress. We focus on how well we’re are doing in our personal growth. We stop worrying about what other people are doing with their lives. We stop focusing on the faults of others. We don’t worry about who others think we should be. We focus on becoming the person we want to be. 

Because in the end, you’re the one that chooses who you are. You’re the only one who can decide who you want to be. If someone disapproves of you, or doesn’t like you, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change who you are. 

The buddhist’s teach that all suffering is caused by attachment. Attaching our self worth to the opinions of others is a way to truly suffer. It gives the other person control over you, and you become a victim. Learning how to let go of the opinions of others gives you the strength to stay true to your core values.

Before I begin today's episode, I want let you know that I'm putting Stoic Coffee Break on indefinite hiatus. It has been a great year of working on this podcast. Thanks for your support.

Today I want to talk about the idea of self advocacy. One of the areas that I really struggle with, and I’ve talked a bit about it on this podcast is the fact that I’m a recovering people pleaser. Too often I’ll put my own needs aside and try to do what I think other people want me to do. Usually it’s not a conscious thing, but a built in habit from years and years of either wanting people to like me, or to avoid conflict.

The thing about people pleasing is that it’s pretty much lying. When I do something so that someone else will like me, I’m lying. When I do something for someone that I really don’t want to do, I’m lying when I say that I want to do it. When someone asks my opinion and I try to figure out the “right” thing to say, then I’m lying about what I really think.

Most of us who are people pleasers feel like if people knew who we really were, they wouldn’t like us. We feel like our needs aren’t as important as the needs of others, or that we have to put their needs above our in order for us to be liked. In some cases we do or say things we don’t really believe or want to do simply because we want to avoid conflict with the other person. That if we just say or do things right, then we’ll somehow keep the peace.

The problem is that it doesn’t work, and in the end it backfires on us.

We often feel resentment towards this other person. If I lie to someone by telling them what I think they want to hear and not what I think, then they really can’t know who I am. They only see this image that I’m trying to put out there, and so I’ll resent them for not letting me be myself, even though I was the one making that choice.

When we put our needs and wants on the back burner for this person, and they don’t react in the way that we want them to, we’re upset that they aren’t pleased by what we did. And the thing is, what we’re doing is trying to manipulate them. We’re trying to control how they feel and most people don’t like that feeling at all.

And to top it off, we’ve just put our happiness in the hands of other people.

So how do we change this behavior? How do we stop doing things or saying things that we really don’t want to? I mean it seems pretty simple doesn’t it? We should just stop saying and doing those things, right?

In reality, it’s not that easy. For me, this is a pattern that is so ingrained that I often don’t notice that I’m doing it. It won’t be until I’m part way into an argument or some time after a situation that I’ll see that I was trying to please the other person. I often have a bit of anxiety when I want to step up and say what I really think or feel because I’m afraid it will upset the other person.

This is where the idea of self advocacy comes in. Self advocacy is the idea that you have the right to stand up and advocate for yourself. That your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions do matter, and that you have the right to advocate for yourself, regardless of how others feel about what you think. Often, we cast the other person as some kind of bully that doesn’t like what we have to say or think. Often, this isn’t the case and we’re the ones that are self censoring, and then blaming them for our behavior. And when I think of it this way, it’s kind of crazy.

Now there are going to be people that do not like what we have to say or think. And that’s okay. One of the most important things that I hope you can take from today’s episode is that you don’t have to please anyone else. Ever. Let me say that again. You don’t have to please anyone else. It is not your job.

Imposter Syndrome has killed more great works, more companies, more careers and possibilities than almost anything I know. When we begin something that we want to be skilled at, we understandably feel like we don’t deserve to call ourselves by the title that would accompany our work. Musician, actor, sculpture, entrepreneur, programmer, writer… We add qualifiers like “I’m working on becoming an actor.” Or “I work as an accountant but my side hustle is composing.”

Do I have to make money at it before I can call myself what I am? Do I have to wait until the title is bestowed up me? Who makes that decision?

Now, there are some things that you have to have to be credentialed before you are official. Just because I want to become a doctor, does not mean that I can just throw a stethoscope around my neck and start seeing patients. But for most other things, you are the only one that needs to decide.

Why do we do this? Why are we afraid to take on the title of what it is we’re doing? If I am making music, am I not a musician? If I get up each morning and type even 100 words on my book, doesn’t that make me a writer? I think it comes down to the worrying about the opinions of others. We feel like we’re an imposter because we think that there is some criteria set or that we have to reach a certain level of proficiency before we can assume the title.

But who has set this level? In most cases, we ourselves are the ones that have set some imaginary level. We have decided what we think make someone a writer, a musician, an athlete. The good thing about that is that we are the ones that can change it. We are the ones that can decide what that level is, and make it be more generous.

I say that we do it Bob Ross style. If you are painting, you’re a painter. If you’re out there in your running shoes putting the miles in, you’re athlete. Every time you pick up that guitar you’re a musician. If you are actively doing whatever that goal is, that’s all that matters. Even if you only get down a few words each day and they are terrible. Even if you struggle to play the only two guitar chords you know. Only got a mile into your run before you had to walk? That’s okay, you are a still a runner.

When we’re working on something we love, and are pushing ourselves to stretch and create and become better that we before sometimes all we can do is just keep moving forward as best we can. When we’re starting out we need to remember that the quality or the quantity of our isn’t where we want it to be, but the fact that we’re doing it is important. And if we keep on doing it, we will get better. I think the saying “fake it till you make it” is pretty descriptive of how we need to handle imposter syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is just worrying about the opinions of others, and that is something, as the Stoics remind us, we have no control over. What you do have control over is if you’re going to keep going. So pick up those brushes, lace up those shoes, and keep pounding away that those keyboards, and don’t worry so much about what others might think.

Decisions are usually never black or white, right or wrong, but we usually look at them this way. In today's episode, we're going to discuss how poker can help lead us to better decision making.

Self Ownership

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others.”
— Marcus Aurelius

One of the things the Stoics teach us is that we shouldn't worry about the opinions of others. This advice is very sound and seems pretty easy when it's people that we don't really know or care that much about. When it comes to the opinions of people closest to you, this is not always an easy thing. For example, if your parents disapprove of your choices, or you and your partner disagree on something, it's not always easy to stand by what you feel is right, and let go of their opinions. Self ownership is the idea that you are 100% responsible for your opinions, emotions, and actions. It means that you recognize that no else "makes" you feel, think, or do anything. It means that you give yourself the space to have your own thoughts and opinions, and that you allow others the same. That you and those you love can disagree and hold different views.

Are there people in your life that care about that always seem to be on the opposing side or disapprove of your choices? What are ways that you can set appropriate boundaries and hold true to yourself?

Don’t Kill the Message.

Often, we dismiss an idea because it makes us feel uncomfortable. We can miss out on potentially great ideas simply because we don’t like the idea. We may dismiss the idea out of hand because it conflicts with our preexisting beliefs. We may not like the idea because it could mean that we supported an opposing view, and we are often loath to admit that we were wrong. We can be blind to seeing the merits or truth of something based on our own feelings or prejudices. Feelings are shortcuts to making decisions, and while they are very useful, deliberative thinking and analysis are often needed to make better decisions.

What are some areas of your life where you dismiss an idea because it made you uncomfortable? Are the ways that you can set aside you prejudice and look at it objectively?