My Messy Little Life Podcast
By Suzanne Denigris
I share personal stories about grief, suicide loss, widowhood, solo parenting, anxiety, healing and post traumatic growth. I am saying out loud what others may not have the words or the courage to say themselves. This is an honest and sometimes inappropriate look at real life. Follow my blog My Messy Little Life at www.mymessylittlelife.com/
My Messy Little Life PodcastFeb 04, 2022
00:00
12:41
Ep 51 - Update
In this episode I talk about how I thought if I stopped identifying as a widow it would somehow make it no longer true, how I realized I better have something of my own now that my son is getting older and how I became a certified life coach. As a thank you for listening you can use the code MAHALO at coachingwithsuzanne.me to schedule a free 45 minute coaching session with me with no catch.
Sep 29, 202309:31
Ep 50 - A Hui Hou
In this episode I talk about how saying all the intimate details about my life out loud and being honest can be a lot, how I don’t have to wait until I’m falling apart to take care of my mental health and how I’ll be taking a mental health break to take care of myself. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Oct 10, 202205:35
Ep 49 - Fifty
In this episode I talk about how in less than two weeks I’ll be turning fifty, how before I lost my husband to suicide I experienced several forms of childhood trauma and how it hasn’t been easy to be my friend because for so long I wasn’t capable of reciprocating anything. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Oct 03, 202209:28
Ep 48 - Sentimental
In this episode I talk about how when my son was little he used to come into our bed in the middle of the night, how after my husband died I asked our son if there was anything of his daddy’s he wanted to keep and he said “his side of the bed” and how I know logically that getting rid of the bed doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 26, 202210:36
Ep 47 - Peace and Quiet
In this episode I talk about how I’m super nosey, how because of migraines and depression I spend a lot of time at home and how I’m at a point where I can’t bounce back the way I used to. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 19, 202210:34
Ep 46 - When Life Was Perfect
In this episode I talk about how I surprised my husband by dancing hula for him at our wedding, how a grief grenade is a reminder that your person is gone and how telling myself I shouldn’t feel this way just adds to the pain. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 12, 202208:46
Ep 45 - Square One
In this episode I talk about how on the last day of summer break I woke up with a migraine, how I used to panic regularly after my husband died and how I had finally gotten to a point where I could see anxiety as a feeling and not some scary monster outside of me. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 04, 202215:08
Ep 44 - Ross & Rachel
In this episode I talk about how I adopted my cats, how my husband always said having pets is good for kids because it teaches them about death and how I’ve wondered if there is more peace and closure in knowing someone you love is going to die. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Aug 29, 202214:16
Ep 43 - Unprepared
In this episode I talk about how my son started middle school this week, how I’m trying to navigate life with migraines and how I enrolled in a certification program to become a life coach. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Aug 22, 202207:35
Ep 42 - Help
In this episode I talk about how the outpour of love and generosity I received after my husband died was humbling, how asking for help mostly feels like defeat and how I hired a housekeeper and am working on not making it mean that I’m a failure. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Aug 15, 202214:35
Ep 41 - One Of Those Days
In this episode I talk about how I’m guilty of grabbing my phone and scrolling through for a solid hour before getting out of bed, how my son fainted and I think it was a panic attack and how I don’t think people realize when they ask me how my husband died they are asking me to relive the worst day of my life. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com
Aug 08, 202215:49
Ep 40 - Go With The Flow
In this episode I talk about how I used to lie in bed at night planning the following day down to the minute, how when I have a migraine I feel beat down and helpless and how our summer break schedule is almost exactly the same as our schedule during the school year. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Aug 01, 202215:43
Ep 39 - Courage
In this episode I talk about how nothing about anxiety makes logical sense, how I can do bugs but I can’t do medical stuff and how it’s easy to blame my late husband for everything that goes wrong. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jul 25, 202216:59
Ep 38 - Hot and Bothered
In this episode I talk about how I am so tired of being treated like I don’t matter, how I learned that if I’m feeling angry or frustrated or outraged something is wrong but not with me and how I am human and humans make mistakes. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jul 18, 202215:58
Ep 37 - Oversharing
In this episode I talk about how I leave so many conversations feeling embarrassed, how my therapist told me that oversharing is a trauma response and how when your husband dies you lose so many people. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com. @my_messy_little_life
Jul 11, 202215:29
Ep 36 - Epiphany
In this episode I talk about how resistance is my go to response in most situations, how I’ve noticed my son’s anxiety showing up more and how it’s easy to be a parent but to be a good parent is so hard. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com and on Instagram @my_messy_little_life
Jul 04, 202216:03
Ep 35 - Size 4
In this episode I talk about how I grew up in a culture obsessed with looks, how I watched all the girls in school hate their bodies and how for the first time in my life I felt fat. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jun 27, 202216:24
Ep 34 - Baby Steps
In this episode I talk about how there was a period of time when I was not okay, how we started to baby step our way into what we now refer to as Saturday Adventures and how doing an aerial obstacle course reminded me exactly of this grief journey that I’ve been on for so long now. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jun 20, 202215:47
Ep 33 - Ice Breaker
In this episode I talk about how I usually get anxious during summer and other long breaks from school, how I do not like crying in front of people and how fifth grade was when my son really started to shine. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jun 13, 202213:20
Ep 32 - The Stillness
In this episode I talk about how I had my worst migraine attack yet, how I used to keep myself busy to avoid thoughts and feelings and how I blame toxic productivity culture for not knowing how to rest. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jun 06, 202217:04
Ep 31 - Teachable Moments
In this episode I talk about how people are mostly not okay right now, how there was a time that I was triggered by everything and how I’m trying to get better about asking for and accepting help. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlife.com.
May 30, 202215:57
Ep 30 - Dateable
In this episode I talk about how the idea of a partner sounds nice but the production of looking for one sounds hideous, how I worry that in a relationship I will lose myself again and how I’ve already survived the worst heartbreak of all. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
May 23, 202214:47
Ep 29 - Overreacting
In this episode I talk about how with hormone imbalance I have experienced low grade depression, how I got up the courage to rejoin the gym and how I no longer see crying as a setback or failure or an overreaction to grief. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
May 16, 202214:57
Ep 28 - Perspective
In this episode I talk about how the logistics of an event are way more anxiety inducing then the event itself, how once you decide to hold onto a thought that is all your brain is going to allow you to see and how I gained a whole new perspective after my husband died. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
May 09, 202216:20
Ep 27 - Mama Bear
In this episode I talk about how when my husband died I broke all the rules, how I just do what I can to show my son love and how the part of parenting I struggle with the most is letting him fail. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
May 02, 202217:27
Ep 26 - Now What?
In this episode I talk about how I still get nervous when talking to new people who don’t already know my husband died, how my real healing began when I started loving myself and how I feel like I’m at the mercy of my hormones. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Apr 25, 202220:35
Ep 25 - Season Finale
In this episode I talk about how I decided to start my own podcast, how I’ve often wondered if consistently talking about my husband keeps grief in the forefront of my mind and is keeping me from moving forward in some way and how I thought this would be a good place to pause and come up for air and decide what I want the podcast to look like going forward. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com. You can find my life coach Krista St-Germain and The Widowed Mom Podcast at coachingwithkrista.com. Stay tuned for Season 2 coming soon…
Feb 04, 202212:41
Ep 24 - A Full Time Job
In this episode I talk about how the most challenging job I’ve ever had has been parenting, how when my son started grieving he needed everything I had in me to help him through it and how it’s my job to make sure this human being will be ready for the world someday. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jan 28, 202216:19
Ep 23 - Control Freak
In this episode I talk about how I don’t like change and don’t adjust well to new things, how I can always tell when my emotions are getting away from me when I don’t even realize I’m having them and how I’ve learned that the need for control is about feeling safe. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Jan 21, 202215:31
Ep 22 - You Can Do Anything
In this episode I talk about how the resistance I have to facing big feelings is the fear that I won’t be able to handle it, how it’s so easy to focus on failures that victories get glossed over and how in an art therapy session my son said to me, “I love you because you can do anything.”
Jan 14, 202216:25
Ep 21 - End Game
In this episode I talk about how Christmas morning was my end game and I never thought past that point, how I spend so much of my time trying to just get through things and how I decided that I want to focus on being more present.
Jan 07, 202215:53
Ep 20 - The Affair
In this episode I talk about how after I found out my husband died I would ruminate on all the things I should have done, how I found out something I can never unknow or undo or forget and how I learned that forgiveness was something I could do for myself.
Dec 31, 202117:31
Ep 19 - What If
In this episode I talk about how I always know when I’m ready to do something big and daring and bold when the thought of it puts a huge smile on my face and makes me want to throw up at the same time, how after my husband died my “what if” ideas were replaced with “what if” thought spirals and how the only weapons I’ve found to be effective against panicked thoughts are logic and love. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Dec 24, 202115:58
Ep 18 - Unconditional Self Love
In this episode I talk about how I don’t always understand why I feel the way I do, how I spent my entire life not feeling my feelings and how unconditionally loving myself means showing myself compassion no matter what judgements or doubts I may have about myself and accepting whatever flaws I think I may have. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Dec 17, 202116:18
Ep 17 - Mean Girl
In this episode I talk about how I grew up in a society that saw self-confidence as bitchiness and self love as arrogance, how hearing myself talk about my experiences changed my relationship with myself and how whenever I’m being unkind to myself I try to figure out how I can show myself love. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Dec 10, 202115:25
Ep 16 - What Not To Say
In this episode I talk about how when my husband died people seemed to have an awful lot of advice, how there are no perfect words to say in grief and how it helped me to have a safe place to be honest and to have people that would sit with me and just be. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Dec 03, 202116:45
Ep 15 - This Time of Year
In this episode I talk about how I used to be a grinch around the holidays, how I felt guilty for not doing something special on the anniversary of my husband’s death in the past and how I decided to start a new tradition by inviting my son to a Remembrance Event in honor of Daddy. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Nov 26, 202116:51
Ep 14 - Hot Mess Express
In this episode I talk about how when I use terms like hot mess to describe myself it makes me feel awful, how I’ve learned that we tell ourselves stories and I’ve been telling mine for years and how I have my shit together way more than I give myself credit for. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Nov 19, 202116:16
Ep 13 - Grief Grenade
In this episode I talk about how sadness is fairly new for me in this journey, how anger is a disguise for what is hiding below the surface and how it took losing my husband to learn how to love myself and figure out who I am. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Nov 12, 202116:10
Ep 12 - No.
In this episode I talk about how I was conditioned to be good and to behave and to not ask for too much, how I recognize that people pleasing was a way to cope in the past that isn’t serving me anymore and how I’m tired of saying yes when I desperately want to say no.
Nov 05, 202116:47
Ep 11 - Flying Solo
In this episode I talk about how the gravity of being solely responsible for my son hit me hard, how there is nobody walking through my door at the end of the day to rescue me and how I can’t be my son’s dad but I can be the best mom I know how to be.
Oct 29, 202116:52
Ep 10 - Fear of Happiness
In this episode I talk about how I started having random pain and other symptoms after my husband died, how maybe it’s safer to play small and stay with what’s familiar instead of risking more loss and how I am safe and no longer need to live in fear. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Oct 22, 202119:01
Ep 9 - When Your Baby Is Hurting
In this episode I talk about how my son’s grief started showing up as rage and frustration and tears, how I worried that because my husband died by suicide my son might do the same and how replacing my anger and worry and fear with empathy allowed me to parent from a much more loving place. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Oct 15, 202119:01
Ep 8 - #anxiety
In this episode I talk about how I don’t think anxiety was even a thing growing up in L.A. in the seventies, how my husband leaving me triggered something inside me and brought me right back to my childhood and how gaining more of an appreciation of how my mind works has allowed anxiety to have less control over me. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Oct 08, 202122:20
Ep 7 - How Are You?
In this episode I talk about how the three little words “how are you” can be so complicated, how I didn’t want anyone to think I was too happy or too sad and how because my husband died by suicide I was afraid to raise any red flags. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Oct 01, 202118:17
Ep 6 - How I Accidentally Quit Drinking
In this episode I talk about why I was drinking and how alcohol started to consume so much space, misconceptions about what an alcoholic looks like and why I continue to choose not to drink. You can follow my blog and contact me at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 24, 202118:07
Ep 5 - Am I Healing or Just Hiding?
In this episode I talk about watching a family video from before my husband died, how I struggle with finding a balance between what feels like self care and what feels like avoiding my life and the judgment I was having for myself for needing to rest. You can follow my blog and contact me at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 17, 202115:54
Ep 4 - Other Widows Don’t Feel This Way
In this episode I talk about how isolating grief can be, how resisting my emotions would result in panic attacks and how much I relate to Christina Applegate’s character in Dead to Me. I also read my blog post, “Other Widows Don’t Feel This Way.” You can follow my blog and contact me at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 10, 202118:33
Ep 3 - Survival Mode
In this episode I talk about how I never really learned to trust myself, deciding who I want to be now that my husband is gone and how I make myself a priority to show myself that I matter. I also share my blog post Survival Mode. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Sep 03, 202118:04
Ep 2 - The “S” Word
In this episode I talk about the stigma around suicide, how I respond when someone asks me how my husband died and how I was able to turn my anger into empathy. I also read my blog post, The “S” Word. You can follow my blog at mymessylittlelife.com.
Aug 24, 202115:49