Talking Paragraphs

Welcome to Talking Paragraphs, the podcast that is so incoherent half of the people involved don't remember its name.

Topics that we at least intended to discuss:

Daniel P. Finney and Paul Russell have been friends for 30 years. Dan lives in Des Moines. Paul lives in Memphis. Through the miracle of technology, they unite each week to solve riddles left by madmen about Gotham City. You may love them. You may hate them. You may even fear them. But don't you dare take them seriously.

Two unremarkable men discuss unimportant topics for their own amusement. Listen in and maybe you'll be amused. If not, it doesn't matter. We both have jobs. We have no illusions about becoming social media influencers. In this episode, but not necessarily in this order:

The ol' Paragraph Stacker, Dan who drives a van, connects with his pal, Pal, an account for the King of Rock and Roll. Together the laughs ensue as much as is allowed on the brittle skeletons of two middle-aged white men. Topics include:

1. Toast: Dark or light? Butter or jam?

2. Paul's vacation trip to the library, a Kroger, and a public garden.

3. Cable TV news mopes get fired.

4. Carol Burnett, 90, honored with the best variety TV special since the 1970s.

5. Dan's still teaching school.

Topics discussed by two middle-aged men who ought to be doing something more productive:

This week, on the world's longest-running podcast between a journalist turned middle school teacher and a soon-to-be unemployed accountant, Dan and Paul discuss the items of lesser import, including:

This podcast is so packed we didn't have time for the story about a moose that went into a hospital to get lunch. What Dan and Paul did discuss, includes the following:

Dan and Paul meander their way through topics including the magnificence of Caitlyn Clark, how sandwiches are killing Americans, and the giant seaweed monster headed to Florida (of course).

Paul returns to talk about his future after accounting. Spoiler: Probably more accounting.

Paul is AWOL again. He's had it rough lately. He lost his job, but not for 90 days. That sucks. In his place is Tyler from Ames. He's mild.I've only seem he get really angry once or twice in 33 years of friendship. Anyway, we talk about stuff, too. Enjoy. Or don't. You get what you pay for and I don't see hear the bullet 

Paul lives! After a three-episode absence in which the podcast nearly folded without his genteel Southern charm and wry wit, Paul returns to Talking Paragraphs with his emotional, raw, and wrenching tale of Tetris addiction and the bitter toll it took him. "Things got so bad I flunked one linear algebra exam freshman year in college nearly 30 years ago," Paul says through tears. Stay tuned. The worst is yet to come.

Paul is off for load management. Tyler is in for Paul despite being terrorized by spiders in his shower. Dan is ready for a fried cauliflower sandwich, but they're only available in hippy-dippy towns. Also: Vintage commercials.

Tyler is in for Paul. Dan is still Dan. They talk about stuff, including:

1. The yacht thief who left a dead fish on the doorstep of 'The Goonies' house.

2. The kid who ran up a $1,000 bill with GrubHub deliveries.

3. The dolphin skull found in the Detroit airport.

4. The human jawbone left at a California police station.

5. The man who stole monkies and nearly got away with it.

Ideas to be discussed by a haggard middle school teacher and a man a reader for the local Gannett Outlet Store once called "the mouthpiece of Big Ag:"

1. The singularity approaches.

2. Jimmy Kimmel is going to ruin my favorite Twitter account 

3. Which sucks more: "That 90s Show" or "Velma?"

4. All drive-through fast food

5. Hallmark Valentine's Game

Topics of minor import that may or may not be discussed in this episode of Talking Paragraphs:

Topics of minor import addressed by the dynamic duo of a Des Moines middle school teacher and a Memphis accountant:

Topics of minor import discussed by an accountant and a middle school teacher. 

1. Damar Hamlin

2. Arsenal

3. "Plane" the movie

4. Listener mail

5. Text-to-speech virtual voice of Alex Trebek 

Items of minor import that may be discussed in this episode of Talking Paragraphs include:

Topics of modest import that may be discussed on this podcast include:

Items of modest interest that may be discussed in this episode:

The following topics may or may not be discussed in the episode. Expect many deviations and a lot of nonsense in between.

The following topics may or may not be covered in this episode:

The 99th outing of Talking Paragraphs has Dan and Paul distancing themselves from Kanye and everyone else for that matter.

This podcast was recorded on a Tuesday before we knew all the things that we now know by Sunday when we usually record the podcast. Our ignorance is on display for your entertainment.

1. NyQuil chicken

2. Pujols hits 700

3. Dan is still sick

4. Long John Silver's website a juggernaut 

5. Brady vs. Rodgers is a dull disappointment 

6. Where's Paul?

Dan and Paul talk fall sports as baseball season winds down and college football winds up. Dan's recovering from COVID, but even he isn't as sickly as the Hawkeyes' offense. Oklahoma beats up UTEP, proving it's always fun to watch any school from Texas lose; Yankees' slide continues; a couple of other non-sports takes just for fun.

Dan stumbles through his first three days with students right into the heart of another COVID-19 infection; Paul carries the load, talking about his successful Arsenal squad, Dan's sinking Yankees team, and dumb ideas such as "She-Hulk" and "Clue."

Dan is out of his mind with anxiety as the time for students in his classroom approaches; Paul explains why he gives a hoot about the LIV-PGA spat; a bear cub gets high on 'mad honey,' and Finland's PM knows how to party; all this and more on the latest episode of Talking Paragraphs.

Dan on "Talk of Iowa;" Paul on Arsenal; Dan on "The Captain" and the Yankees; and other topics of minor import.

Dan and Paul honor #NationalBoobDay and complain about the "bent carrot" metaphor before Dan starts to fall asleep in the middle of the show and Paul saves the whole thing with a story about a dog and its owner playing Connect Four.

A goat simulator video game enters its third generation while robots with cat faces serve dim sum. Also: Twitter personality compares G.I. Joe figures of the past.

Memphis port authorities bust 90 pounds of illegal Italian snails. Toys R Us may return from the dead. Dan goes to the eye doctor for the first time since 1998. Speed round: "The Captain" documentary, upcoming Arsenal season, and Winnie the Pooh is a horror movie.

Dan and Paul welcome Cobra Commander, Destro, the Baroness, Major Bludd, and Zartan. Musical guests: Pantera. Our apologies to last week's guests, all of whom were bumped and the majority of whom, it turned out, were fictional characters. 

Dan and Paul welcome Darth Vader, Megatron, Mumm-Ra, and Skelator. Musical Guests: Eddie and the Cruisers. Our apologies to last week's guests, all of whom were bumped and a good number of whom were deceased. 

Dan and Paul welcome Jan Smithers, Loni Anderson, Gordon Jump, Richard Sanders, Frank Bonner, Tim Reid, and Howard Hessman. Musical Guest: Dethklok. Our apologies to last week's guests, all of whom were bumped, and a good number of whom are deceased.

Dan and Paul welcome Suzanne Sullivan, Gilbert and Sullivan, Sullivan and Son, Son of Bat Boy, and musical guest, Boy George. Our apologies to last week's guests, none of whom made it onto the program and some of whom we were later informed are deceased. 

Paul opens the show with sizzle. Dan reviews "Bonzo on the Road to Asguard." Guests: Emma Thompson, Hunter S. Thompson, John "Tommy Gun" Thompson, and the hot physics major who invited Dan and Paul to a party freshman year at Drake. All that and live music from Cold Slither.

Unhappiest age? 47.2.

Trinity Rodman is better at soccer than her dad is at being a dad.

Dan tells one too many Coke jokes.

Paul pushes the limits of friendship with news texts.

Responding to listener comments.

The defamation trials of former spouses Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are finally over. How long before FX does a 10-part miniseries like O.J.? The rest is fun meandering through topics that are in no way pre-organized and, once discussed, are largely forgotten by the people who discussed them. However, we think you'll enjoy this easy-going conversation between two old friends. And if not, well, it's still free.

Listener Nancy Gilchrest wrote in to compliment a show we did without prepared topics. Since this was the first and only feedback we've received, we decided to remake the whole show. Paul opened the snow from Memphis. We just meandered from topic to topic. We referred to things young people wouldn't understand. Enjoy!

Let's be honest: I forgot what we talked about for most of this podcast. It seemed interesting at the time, at least to us. I know there's something about Paul and his mom going to see a traveling Vincent Van Gogh exhibit at Graceland, the former home of Elvis Presley. After that, there's talk of an African restaurant nearby. The rest is hazy to me. So, we can listen and discover together.

This episode sounds like crap. Part of the problem was I kept dozing off during the creation of it. It's not Paul's fault. He's wide awake. But I had been up late the night before. I got a shitty letter in the mail that screwed with my head for a bit. It put me off my game. I assure everyone I'm fine. There are good jokes in here and if you like to imagine me drunk, I figure this is what it sounds like.

Tragic and bloody true crime! Weird animal stories! Shocking superhero secrets! Everything the almighty algorithm says you wanted and more!

Should Interpol agents descend upon Wisconsin after 3,500 pounds of cheese was stolen in the Netherlands?

Iowa Democrats can't count and Dan can't wait to get rid of the caucuses.

Paul notes the latest in horrible Fox News host behaviors.

And should baseball add tackling to the game after a brutal takedown in a junior college game?

Something horrible happened between four men and a lizard in India and MSN decided the world needed to know about it. Now we do. And we can't get it out of our heads.

Paul serves a one-podcast suspension for continuing to text his Wordle score to Dan. T-square pinch hits and podcasts from his closet, where his wife arranges his clothes by hue. Silliness ensues. Enjoy.

Dan and Paul talk about stuff and things. They try to be amusing. They often fail. But this is free. You get what you pay for.

Dan wants to know who UPS makes drive the Cologuard route.

Paul is obsessed with celebrities who have animals in their names.

Dan gets sleepy again. Don't worry. He's just tired.

Dan explains what happened to last week's episode; Little Caesars is hawking a Batman pizza; Coke, Starbucks, and McDonald's pull out of Russia, but traitorous Pepsi stays; Job opening: Grizzly Bear Conflict Manager; Man caught at Mexican border with 52 lizards and snakes in his pockets and "groin area." All that and more on the latest "Talking Paragraphs" with Dan and Paul.

I'm the problem with this podcast. Memphis Paul showed up. Let's be clear on that. We had material on animals doing strange things, the spelling of Andruw Jones' son's name, and a lot of background on Morris the Cat from the old 9 Lives cat food commercials. Paul brought his A game. Dan brought his Z game, as in "zzz." He kept drifting off to sleep, but not all the way. He kept talking, but the words coming out didn't make sense to either the topic or anything else. Some may argue that's always true. They might be right. After an evening trying to edit this mess into something worth listening to, Dan gave up. What follows is an hour of Dan snoring. Really. He's telling you straight. There's an opening and ending, but everything in between is the sound of his bedroom fan and him snoring. He dares you to listen to it.

Paul is with this week. Dan's voice is on the recording, but he's kind of out of it. There are silly topics. Paul carries the load. Dan babbles. It's really sad. Someone should talk to him about it.

The lights went out in Memphis around 10 a.m., Thursday, and our beloved Memphis Paul and his mother were plunged into darkness and cold for a week. How they made it through and other topics of great unimportance in this week's "Talking Paragraphs."

An ice storm in Memphis knocks out Paul's power. Guest host T-square Tyler pinch hits. He proceeds to have a genial political conversation with Dan which arises fears of the pitchfork and torches crowd. So, we cut it out. The remainder of the podcast, we hope, is banal enough to be amusing without offensive in a nation where being offended is the national sport.

Items cut from this episode include a role play with Dan playing Matt Damon interview Ben Affleck, played by Paul. This was cut because Paul called Dan a hypocrite. That part was left in the episode. It doesn't make any sense, but what do you expect from us? Also cut from this episode was a lengthy debate about the quality of a major grocery store chain. This was cut because Paul worried we would lose their sponsorship, even though we don't have their sponsorship and they're a German outfit that makes you put a quarter down to use a cart, which means there is no way they're going to sponsor our podcast.

Tyler pinch hits for Paul, whose off this week due for lode management. Chip flavors we wish were in America — or not. Mexico confiscates 380,000 boxes of Kelloggs cereals for inappropriate cartoons and sugary content. And some kid at LSU won a year's worth of Whataburgers, but does it come with aortic stent?

Dan and Paul are back with their weekly machine gun of laughter. Highlights include: A parody ad for anhedonia, a joke stolen from Jim Gaffigan, and a list of banished words stolen from the Lake Superior State University. 

Dan and Paul are back for 2022 with a laugh-packed podcast for the New Year. The ol' Paragraph Stacker and the World's Most Dangerous Accountant discuss matters of little importance in hopes inspiring a hardy guffaw or chortle, but not a choke because neither one of them know the Heimlich maneuver.

Dan and Paul give golf commentary on child opening last Christmas present; Save the planet — be buried in mushroom coffins; and movie reviews of 'Licorice Pizza,' the latest 'Spider-Man,' and 'Matrix 4.'

Paul is off for load management. Tyler pinch-hits again. Dan has no agenda. So, basically, it's the usual mess for about an hour and 15 minutes. What are you going to do — watch football? Well, probably, but give play us over the game sound. It's modestly amusing.

Some of this stuff we talked about, some of it we didn't. You'll just have to listen to figure out which cats are alive and which ones never existed:

Dan and Paul are two middle-aged men talking about things. There's no reason you should listen them as opposed to other people, but, then again, there's no reason you should listen to anyone about anything. Decide for yourself. We'll be here cracking wise and a decidedly mellow, maybe even lazy, pace. All we cost you is your time.

We've made 50 of these podcasts. Maybe if you cut them all up, you could get one decent episode. Maybe. But, hey, listen anyway. We promise we're just as dumb as anything else you can get at this price and twice as dumb as most cable TV news.

Let's be honest: This is not our best effort. But what are you going to do, not listen? Probably.

Dan got COVID too late for it to be interesting. Paul reviews "Last Night in Soho." Our dynamic duo discuss the woke vs. Chris Pratt social media flap, how Cincinnati is doomed, and preview allegedly hot Christmas toys. Also: A customer service survey. 

Paul returns from back injury and the guy gripe about Facebook's name change, Millenials who fear Gen Z, the meaninglessness of cryptocurrency, and the latest from the front lines of the Chicken Wars.

Special guest host Tyler "T-square" Teske discusses why schools are having a hard time getting their supplies of square fish, rectangular pizza, and mystery meat for school lunches. Native Iowan Johnny Carson is discussed on his 96th birthday. He didn't celebrate. He's dead. Dan attempts a fall movie preview with a guy who hasn't been to the movies since 1993's "Tombstone." Bonus mild -- very mild -- amusements included at no additional cost.

Dan and Paul discuss the tale of a Colorado elk who wore a tire around his neck for two years; apologize for saying something vaguely complimentary about Jon Gruden; Sooners win with a new QB, while Hawkeyes lay an all-too-familiar egg; the Braves win, while the Cardinals sack their manager for "philosophical differences;" and we finish the whole damn thing in under an hour. 

Dan and Paul each recorded this podcast supine in bed and Dan drifted off about halfway in, so a lot of his speech is slurred and babbling. The good news is nobody can tell the difference. Paul makes some good points, but there are long, silent pauses punctuated with a loud "uh" or "um." Paul explains why he doesn't want to use real sound bites in the podcast. Dan does it anyway.

Dan and Paul discuss "The Price is Right" 50th anniversary special, Sooners, Hawkeyes, "Fuck your couch" guy on TikTok, and two positive facts about Tennessee. 

Buddies Dan and Paul meander through half-read headlines and barely noticed news stories for an 1 hour, 10 minutes. Listen for mild amusement.

Dan and Paul talk the death of Norm Macdonald, Jeopardy's host search woes, Paul Finebaum vs. a real gator, the saga of Purdue's big drum, another snotty director doesn't like Marvel movies, and TikTok of the Week.

Dan says "uh" and "um" a lot. Paul pauses before every take, making editing longer and more tedious. That's right. It's another edition of Talking Paragraphs. Join us for humor set to medium.

Low-key duo Dan and Paul trim their wordy format. Less time, more takes. TikTok of the Week. The official Talking Paragraphs Playlists.

Questions, comments: Email newsmanone@gmail.com or comment. We'll read your question on the air and mock it openly.

Former newsman and current grad student Daniel Finney chats with his pal Memphis Paul about the latest stupid trend, which animals we think we could beat in a fight, and a TikTok with the final word on the "Field of Dreams" game.

A BLOCK: Special guest retired Army Sgt. Lew Jordan explains Afghanistan was always going to end like this.

B BLOCK: Lew joins Dan and Paul in talking about their favorite "G.I. Joe" toys and cartoon episodes.

A Block

Thoughts on Afghanistan

B Block

Field of Dreams game

Batman ’89 comic book

C Block

Emojis new meanings

Quiz: Who plays in that ballpark?

And a joke from a Johnny Carson rerun

A Block:

Pepsi betrayal state fair

Airplane passenger taped down

Zero hedge of the week

B Block:

Messi changing teams

Remembering JR Richards

USWNT loses

Iowa vs. Iowa State: Bar version

C Block:

Game: 90s vs 80s

Joke from a British show

A Block: Paul's illness and an amusing note from Zero Hedge.

B Block: Watching the silly Olympic sports.

C Block: Scarlett Johansson sues Disney over "Black Widow" streaming.

A. Block: Accidentially deleted by hamfisted engineer with a bum knee and numb hands slathered in lidocaine. 

'B Block: Recap of the missing A Block, sports talk on Oklahoma and Texas destroying college football, the Cleveland baseball team's dumb new name, and some other dumb stuff that's long been forgotten in a haze of Tylenol and iced tea.

C Block: It's really just another part of B Block because the engineer was too damn lazy to cut a seperate track. Topics include the new He-Man cartoon on Netflix and a planned Frogger live-action game show.

Dan and Paul discuss wild fans at MLB games, the Olympics, Turner and Hooch, and Biz Markie.

Dan and Paul discuss "Dress Coded," Iowa hailstorms, and acts of kindness.

A Block: Airlines suck, Vacation activities, and Dan's injury.

B Block: Sport chat on Wimbledon, EuroCup 2020, and #Yankees 70-year-old ball girl.

C Block: Entertainment takes: Rick & Morty rule, vacation food, and Line of Duty finale.

A BLOCK: Dan's birthday, Britney Spears' legal troubles, Brett Farve vs. trans athletes, IKEA's bad menu and shots fired in #ChickenWars

B BLOCK: #NBAPlayoffs, #EuroCup2020, #MLB pitcher shakedowns, #JeffGordan gets a job

C BLOCK: Vacation, the $5-billion Roth IRA, and Salma Hayek's big problem

A BLOCK: Dan and Paul take EuroCup 2020 from the casual soccer fan's perspective.

B BLOCK: Why is Paul packing a suitcase?

C BLOCK: Movies: 'Curella; Comics: Tom King's 'Supergirl' No. 1; Memes: Batman: The Generous Lover

A BLOCK: Giant Marilyn Monroe visage terrorizes Palm Spring

B BLOCK: ESPN sells rage and anguish instead of sports

C BLOCK: Reviews: "The Batman's Grave," "The Woman in the Window," and Paul's Drink of the Week.

Dan was going to try to do a nice professional edit on this podcast, but he realized he forget half the things he learned about GarageBand this summer, so he said to hell with it and published the podcast raw and edited. Buckle up you brave six listeners. The weird have turned pro.

America is back! Dan and Paul discuss life in a post-COVID age. BREAKING NEWS: Dan's parents' famed July 4 celebration is back on and you're all NOT invited. Well, Pau is. He might even come. But not the rest of you savages. Stay away. My uncle used to be a cop.

Old friends Memphis Paul and the Paragraph Stacker ride again with a comedic ride through Karens on TikTok, roleplaying the end of Tab Cola and a speed round of the topics that no one really should care about in the latest epic episode of Talking Paragraphs.

Exiled newsman Daniel P. Finney talks Fox's lousy college football crew, reviews 'L.A.'s Finest' and 'The Boys,' ponders what movies will bring us back to the theater and bad fast food sandwiches.