By Daniel Finney
Talking Paragraphs Apr 25, 2023
125: Pete Davidson vs. Cocaine Bear; Bovine samaritans help cops capture crook; What is "faff" and why you should embrace it; More Elvis employee buffett delights
Welcome to Talking Paragraphs, the podcast that is so incoherent half of the people involved don't remember its name.
Topics that we at least intended to discuss:The meaning of "faff" and why you should embrace it. Pete Davidson vs. Cocaine Bear Phone answer etiquette for clones. We can't talk about "Relative Justice." We barely talk about "Hemlock Grove" on a new streaming service. Cows help cops find suspects. A lot of random memories from a college party nearly 30 years ago. A story of stolen goats in Winterset in 1993.
Daniel P. Finney and Paul Russell have been friends for 30 years. Dan lives in Des Moines. Paul lives in Memphis. Through the miracle of technology, they unite each week to solve riddles left by madmen about Gotham City. You may love them. You may hate them. You may even fear them. But don't you dare take them seriously.
124: Secrets of Elvis Presley's employee buffet; It's time to retire the White House championship team visit; Baseball: War on WAR; McDonald's new iceless iced tea
Two unremarkable men discuss unimportant topics for their own amusement. Listen in and maybe you'll be amused. If not, it doesn't matter. We both have jobs. We have no illusions about becoming social media influencers. In this episode, but not necessarily in this order:
Georgia football team refuses to visit the White House
ESPN: Steven A. Smith
JJ Watt’s pub crawl
Game of Thrones on pause
Iowa-Iowa State gambling nonsense
Secret hideaways at Graceland
McDonald’s: Oh, did you want ice with that?
Baseball: The war on WAR
123: An ode to toast; Paul's vacation adventures; Tucker Carlson, Don Lemon, and other TV dopes get fired; All hail Carol Burnett at 90; so much more
The ol' Paragraph Stacker, Dan who drives a van, connects with his pal, Pal, an account for the King of Rock and Roll. Together the laughs ensue as much as is allowed on the brittle skeletons of two middle-aged white men. Topics include:
1. Toast: Dark or light? Butter or jam?
2. Paul's vacation trip to the library, a Kroger, and a public garden.
3. Cable TV news mopes get fired.
4. Carol Burnett, 90, honored with the best variety TV special since the 1970s.
5. Dan's still teaching school.
122: Paul gets a job working for ... Elvis Presley?!; Nic Cage is wacky in 'Redfield'; This week's reason why Elon Musk sucks; and Paul's bad Max Scherzer joke
Topics discussed by two middle-aged men who ought to be doing something more productive:Paul gets a job Job search details Paul goes to the movies: Renfield Springfield, MO man demands meat at gunpoint Elon Musk pays for whiny celebrities' blue checkmarks $100M gold heist at Canada’s largest airport Max Scherzer joke Netflix ends DVD mail service
121: 'Dungeons and Dragons' movie all dragons, no dungeon; Paul's job search; Chinese people dating their chatbots; 'Cocaine Bear' attacks Peacock
This week, on the world's longest-running podcast between a journalist turned middle school teacher and a soon-to-be unemployed accountant, Dan and Paul discuss the items of lesser import, including:Paul goes to the movies: "Dungeons & Dragons" Dan stays home and watches the movie"Smokey and the Bandit: "Cocaine Bear" to Peacock Paul's job search Chinese people are dating their chatbot Washington Commanders sold NBA playoffs: Sacramento Kings use lasers; bizarre comparison of current Memphis Grizzles to Detroit "Bad Boys" Arsenal crashing "Sound like a trapped wolf"
120: Painted potatoes for Easter; McDonald's layoff haiku; RFK Jr. makes Biden look better; Thieves steal $500K worth of iPhones
This podcast is so packed we didn't have time for the story about a moose that went into a hospital to get lunch. What Dan and Paul did discuss, includes the following:Do rising egg prices lead to people painting potatoes for Easter? Laid-off McDonald’s exec writes a Haiku on LinkedIn. New Steve Jobs book to be free to download. Thieves break through a coffee shop bathroom to steal $500,000 worth of iPhones. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. makes Joe Biden look better. Anti-trust lawsuit aims to stop eSports "athlete" wage suppression.
119: Watching Iowa women's basketball misery while trying to podcast and other topics
118: Talkin' Caitlyn Clark, killer sandwiches, and the giant seaweed monster headed to Florida (of course)
Dan and Paul meander their way through topics including the magnificence of Caitlyn Clark, how sandwiches are killing Americans, and the giant seaweed monster headed to Florida (of course).
117: Things Paul is going to do while unemployed
Paul returns to talk about his future after accounting. Spoiler: Probably more accounting.
116: AWOL Paul is off for lode management; Baseball bases should be even bigger; Will France's big cocaine find fuel a 'Cocaine Bear' sequel?
Paul is AWOL again. He's had it rough lately. He lost his job, but not for 90 days. That sucks. In his place is Tyler from Ames. He's mild.I've only seem he get really angry once or twice in 33 years of friendship. Anyway, we talk about stuff, too. Enjoy. Or don't. You get what you pay for and I don't see hear the bullet
115: Paul shares his harrowing story of Tetris addiction and why he won't be watching the Apple+ movie; plus 'Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey'
Paul lives! After a three-episode absence in which the podcast nearly folded without his genteel Southern charm and wry wit, Paul returns to Talking Paragraphs with his emotional, raw, and wrenching tale of Tetris addiction and the bitter toll it took him. "Things got so bad I flunked one linear algebra exam freshman year in college nearly 30 years ago," Paul says through tears. Stay tuned. The worst is yet to come.
114: Shower spiders are the scariest; How did Gen-X get through school without snacks; and Chik-fil-A sells fried cauliflower sandwiches
Paul is off for load management. Tyler is in for Paul despite being terrorized by spiders in his shower. Dan is ready for a fried cauliflower sandwich, but they're only available in hippy-dippy towns. Also: Vintage commercials.
113: The yacht thief left a dead fish on the doorstep of 'The Goonies' house and other oddities
Tyler is in for Paul. Dan is still Dan. They talk about stuff, including:
1. The yacht thief who left a dead fish on the doorstep of 'The Goonies' house.
2. The kid who ran up a $1,000 bill with GrubHub deliveries.
3. The dolphin skull found in the Detroit airport.
4. The human jawbone left at a California police station.
5. The man who stole monkies and nearly got away with it.
112: Artificial intelligence is replacing humans and we're too dumb to notice it; Guess the Hallmark Valentine's Day movie; with guest host T-Square
Ideas to be discussed by a haggard middle school teacher and a man a reader for the local Gannett Outlet Store once called "the mouthpiece of Big Ag:"
1. The singularity approaches.
2. Jimmy Kimmel is going to ruin my favorite Twitter account
3. Which sucks more: "That 90s Show" or "Velma?"
4. All drive-through fast food
5. Hallmark Valentine's Game
111: Laser-guided podcast
Topics of minor import that may or may not be discussed in this episode of Talking Paragraphs:Lady sent to funeral home still alive Laser-guided lightening New Zealand President quits Paul likes a Fallon joke NFL playoffs Amazon recommends
110: Dan's laundry is stolen and the internet is out at his work while Paul faces a flood at his office
Topics of minor import addressed by the dynamic duo of a Des Moines middle school teacher and a Memphis accountant:Laundry stolen Work Internet outage Work flood Lisa Marie dead Jeff Beck dead NFL playoffs San Diego meerkats vs. Dallas Clouded Leopard
109: NFL players are more important than you; Arsenal hates the color red; There's a movie called 'Plane'; and other musings
Topics of minor import discussed by an accountant and a middle school teacher.
1. Damar Hamlin
3. "Plane" the movie
4. Listener mail
5. Text-to-speech virtual voice of Alex Trebek
108: Old celebrities have died and people can't handle it; Big Ten crashes in burns in college football playoffs; and wouldn't be nice to be a guest on 'The Love Boat'
Items of minor import that may be discussed in this episode of Talking Paragraphs include:You know it's going to be a good year when both Ohio State and Michigan both lose. Pele is dead. Barbara Walters is dead. Gretta Thurnberg ends 2022 “with one of the greatest tweets in history,” per the Guardian. Blockchain smartphone named "the FINNEY." Coal Face The Love Boat
107: Analyst predicts Disney dump of ABC/ESPN; winter weather talk; Iowa men's basketball's are gamblers' delight; and the voice of 'Doctor Who'
Topics of modest import that may be discussed on this podcast include:Is Disney spinning off ABC/ESPN? RIP Franco Harris. Gambling odds ruin everything. Little House on the Prairie. Weather. The disembodied voice of John Madden.
106: Cocaine Bear the Movie will be the next Sharknado? Paul goes to a gastro pub and it triggers Dan. Plus: John Madden.
Items of modest interest that may be discussed in this episode:Cocaine Bear Digital Trump cards sellout Yankees Hot Stove RIP Rockford Files character actor Stuart Margolin (Paul is going to hate that he’s from Davenport, Iowa.) World Cup final Bowl season Shoutouts: Terrence Tobin, contribution to the podcast, G. Willard Finney, died 34 years ago today. I’d love one more game of checkers with you, Dad.
105: Which is worse: Bull in a China shop or cow in a doctor's office? Dan and Paul debate this and more in the latest Talking Paragraphs
The following topics may or may not be discussed in the episode. Expect many deviations and a lot of nonsense in between.Wild cow in Virginia Kirstie Alley dead Mills Lane Soccer talk Cashman extension Warner Bros. canceling DC Comics movies
104: Famed spitballer Gaylord Perry is dead while giant tortoise celebrates 190th birthday — 'What good amid these, oh me, oh life?'
The following topics may or may not be covered in this episode:U.S. out of World Cup. College football: USC, TCU shit the bed; Georgia and Michigan don’t. Bot writes obit. Gina Carano in a Hallmark movie, Indiana Jones de-aging, 1 in 8 Brits want to fart in public without being judged, Pepsi wants you to drink pop with milk?! Gannett layoffs. Dutch woman smiled at a gorilla/gorilla got out/ attacked her/snack, Iowa QB transferred/Michigan QB comes to Iowa, Velveta Mac and Cheese takes longer to cook and sues, Gaylord Perry dead. Spitballer/Joe Niekro on Letterman in 87, Seychelles giant tortoise called Jonathan turns 190.,
103: Self-order kiosk debacle at McDonald’s; US men’s soccer team vs. Taylor Swift fans
2. US national team pisses off Taylor Swift fans
3. The mediocre seasons of Iowa and Oklahoma
4. Unreasonable UPS encounter
5. Netflix — CCR documentary and concert, Wednesday Addams show, and the documentary Hey Pepsi Where’s My Jet
6. Watched She-Hulk
7. Astros playoff shares
8. German win beer joke?
9. US vs England and James qCorridon
10. SPAM figgy pudding
11. Ronald Man U.
12. Burrito eating champ technique — July 4 hotdog
13. Hugh Jackman diet
14. 40 chickens in 40 days
15. Cocktail cookbook
102: Qatar vs. Budweiser, Taylor Swift vs. Ticketmaster, and Dan’s new wheels
1. New vehicle
2. Qatar vs. Budweiser
3. Man U. vs. Renaldo
4. Browns vs Bills game in Detroit
6. NIL rights for LSU gymnast
7. Michael Jordan is dead?
8. Taylor Swift Shakespeare class
9. Fox News and Taylor Swift
10. “Festive” season
11. Reddit on Sacramento Kings
12. 8 billionth person in born in Philippines.
13. “Observably stupid.” Kanye
14. Showboats return to Memphis
15. Spielberg “Bullit” spin-off
101: The trouble with buying a new computer; plus RIP Kevin Conroy and Gallagher
100: Takies chips “bag licking good;” Kyrie and Kanye’s race to bottom; and farewell Ray Guy
2. Kyrie vs. Kanye in the antisemitic death match
3. Sports: Tennessee vs. Georgie: The South Has Risen; Kansas suspends Bill Self for four games for 2016 allegations; Washington football team is for sale
4. Yankee Fan Hell: Cashman or Boone. Fire one. Only one.
5. Aaron Judge: Keep or waive goodbye?
6. Wakanda Forever Happy Meals
7. Election: “Suburban women, no longer soccer moms, key to midterms.” Also: Sports lovers and Election jibber jabber through the years.
8. Aubrey Plaza on Disney Plus
9. Farewell Ray Guy
99: Distancing ourselves from Kanye; Sexy Wordle Halloween costumes; FedEx sacks Roxo the self-delivery robot; and why you shouldn't walk from Spain to Qatar
The 99th outing of Talking Paragraphs has Dan and Paul distancing themselves from Kanye and everyone else for that matter.
98: Taylor Swift’s album awesome; Iowa Iowa facts haunt Paul family gathering; Kanye does dumb stuff
97: A long, cold open, Angela Lansbury is dead, Mountain Girl and Jerry "Chunky Monkey" Garcia, and jokes about baseball
This podcast was recorded on a Tuesday before we knew all the things that we now know by Sunday when we usually record the podcast. Our ignorance is on display for your entertainment.
96: McDonald's "adult" Happy Meals come with creepy toys; Tom Brady reportedly denies Gisele sex before games; All hail the Tennessee demolition derby queen
A pig in Australia steals 18 beers from campers, gets drunk, fights cow pop
Olympic horse punching
Bad service in Memphis McDonald’s
The creepiness of Adult McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys — workers are stressed by adults wanting this shit
Baseball medley — Judge, Otoni, Pujols, Braves on the rise, Mets shit the bed
Tom Brady’s abstinence ritual drives Gisele away
Paul hates the manning cast
American owner looking to change Chelsea team name to ‘London Cowboys’
Demolition derby queen of Tennessee.
95: Urgent care reservations; ugliness of zero-gravity soccer; the doink; and ‘Detroit-style’ pizza
Sunday, October 2, 2022
1. Urgent care
2. Failed trip to Perkins
3. The Doink
4. Rooting for Kansas
5. Pizza Hut Detroit style
6. Happy Meal for adults
7. Aaron Judge 61
8. Don Mattingly and the 3 balls
9. Zero gravity soccer
10. Trevor Noah leaves Daily Show
11. Harrison Ford MCU
94: NyQuil chicken recipes; Pujols hits 700; What are people doing on Long John Silver's website; Dan pods solo to make up for his screw ups
1. NyQuil chicken
2. Pujols hits 700
3. Dan is still sick
4. Long John Silver's website a juggernaut
5. Brady vs. Rodgers is a dull disappointment
6. Where's Paul?
93. Dan's still sick; Paul talks weird celebrity endorsements, Kanye vs. Gap beef, and the pair review football games of no importance
#92: Queen is dead and that's fine, but did it have to screw up the Premier League schedule?
Queen is dead
Violence in Memphis
People keep naming their kids Thanos
Iowa football stinks
OU football - Bob Stoops in the booth
Texas - Alabama game
Harmon Baker, a good thing from Memphis
#91: 2+2+3 = Worst #Hawkeyes offense ever; #Sooners stomp UTEP; #Yankees spirialing; #Braves rising; Dr. Pepper #fansville 'fansplaining' clunks
Dan and Paul talk fall sports as baseball season winds down and college football winds up. Dan's recovering from COVID, but even he isn't as sickly as the Hawkeyes' offense. Oklahoma beats up UTEP, proving it's always fun to watch any school from Texas lose; Yankees' slide continues; a couple of other non-sports takes just for fun.
#90, Dan's first days with students; Uh-oh, teacher has COVID; Thoughts on series of terrible things: Nebraska football, a remake of 'Clue,' and 'She-Hulk'
Dan stumbles through his first three days with students right into the heart of another COVID-19 infection; Paul carries the load, talking about his successful Arsenal squad, Dan's sinking Yankees team, and dumb ideas such as "She-Hulk" and "Clue."
#89 Dan's nervous as students arrive for fall; Paul cares about the LIV-PGA spat; Bear cub high on 'mad honey;' Finland's PM knows how to party
Dan is out of his mind with anxiety as the time for students in his classroom approaches; Paul explains why he gives a hoot about the LIV-PGA spat; a bear cub gets high on 'mad honey,' and Finland's PM knows how to party; all this and more on the latest episode of Talking Paragraphs.
#88: Dan goes on Iowa Public Radio; Paul is high on Arsenal; Dan is low on the Yankees; and other topics of modest importance
Dan on "Talk of Iowa;" Paul on Arsenal; Dan on "The Captain" and the Yankees; and other topics of minor import.
#87: The story about the dog playing Connect Four makes Dan's sleepy, slurred voice almost tolerable in this career low outing
Dan and Paul honor #NationalBoobDay and complain about the "bent carrot" metaphor before Dan starts to fall asleep in the middle of the show and Paul saves the whole thing with a story about a dog and its owner playing Connect Four.
#86: This week's sign we're doomed: You can simulate life as a goat on a video game or have robot cats serve you dim sum
A goat simulator video game enters its third generation while robots with cat faces serve dim sum. Also: Twitter personality compares G.I. Joe figures of the past.
#85: Memphis Vice stop Italian snail terror attack
Memphis port authorities bust 90 pounds of illegal Italian snails. Toys R Us may return from the dead. Dan goes to the eye doctor for the first time since 1998. Speed round: "The Captain" documentary, upcoming Arsenal season, and Winnie the Pooh is a horror movie.
Murderous elephant returns to wreck funeral; TikToker's book about deadly animals; Chef ruins a Happy Meal; Listener mail; and terrorist golf
Dan and Paul welcome Cobra Commander, Destro, the Baroness, Major Bludd, and Zartan. Musical guests: Pantera. Our apologies to last week's guests, all of whom were bumped and the majority of whom, it turned out, were fictional characters.
Giant snails attack Florida town; Brain-killing amoebas shut down 'Iowa beach;' all this and a 'Thor: Love and Thunder' review
Dan and Paul welcome Darth Vader, Megatron, Mumm-Ra, and Skelator. Musical Guests: Eddie and the Cruisers. Our apologies to last week's guests, all of whom were bumped and a good number of whom were deceased.
Talking new 'Beavis and Butt-head' movie; 'Star Trek' content on Paramount; USC and UCLA in the B1G; Stranger Things finale; Kraft Macaroni & Cheese name change
Dan and Paul welcome Jan Smithers, Loni Anderson, Gordon Jump, Richard Sanders, Frank Bonner, Tim Reid, and Howard Hessman. Musical Guest: Dethklok. Our apologies to last week's guests, all of whom were bumped, and a good number of whom are deceased.
Summer cold: Paul plays hurt; Dan's drowsy after his big birthday party; The Brady Bunch intro; Who shoots worst: Stormtroopers or Cobra soldiers?
Dan and Paul welcome Suzanne Sullivan, Gilbert and Sullivan, Sullivan and Son, Son of Bat Boy, and musical guest, Boy George. Our apologies to last week's guests, none of whom made it onto the program and some of whom we were later informed are deceased.
Podcast: Russia's McDonald's knock-off; Tennessee Williams' secret origin; Hidden 'Lebowski' references in 'The Old Man;' all that and SPAM recipes
Paul opens the show with sizzle. Dan reviews "Bonzo on the Road to Asguard." Guests: Emma Thompson, Hunter S. Thompson, John "Tommy Gun" Thompson, and the hot physics major who invited Dan and Paul to a party freshman year at Drake. All that and live music from Cold Slither.
47.2 is the unhappiest age
Unhappiest age? 47.2.
Trinity Rodman is better at soccer than her dad is at being a dad.
Dan tells one too many Coke jokes.
Paul pushes the limits of friendship with news texts.
Responding to listener comments.
Detoxing from Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trials; Online shopping for retro gear; In praise of Oklahoma softball; Revenge of the Mullet
The defamation trials of former spouses Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are finally over. How long before FX does a 10-part miniseries like O.J.? The rest is fun meandering through topics that are in no way pre-organized and, once discussed, are largely forgotten by the people who discussed them. However, we think you'll enjoy this easy-going conversation between two old friends. And if not, well, it's still free.
New format: Paul opens the show from Memphis; Dan goes to 'Bob's Burgers;' Paul buys a smoothie; 'Maverick' makes a lot of money
Listener Nancy Gilchrest wrote in to compliment a show we did without prepared topics. Since this was the first and only feedback we've received, we decided to remake the whole show. Paul opened the snow from Memphis. We just meandered from topic to topic. We referred to things young people wouldn't understand. Enjoy!
Vincent Van Gogh plays Graceland and other bizarre adventures from the life of Paul
Let's be honest: I forgot what we talked about for most of this podcast. It seemed interesting at the time, at least to us. I know there's something about Paul and his mom going to see a traveling Vincent Van Gogh exhibit at Graceland, the former home of Elvis Presley. After that, there's talk of an African restaurant nearby. The rest is hazy to me. So, we can listen and discover together.
Crypto tanks; Don't mess with the swim-up bar; and Dan is mumbling again in a medication haze
This episode sounds like crap. Part of the problem was I kept dozing off during the creation of it. It's not Paul's fault. He's wide awake. But I had been up late the night before. I got a shitty letter in the mail that screwed with my head for a bit. It put me off my game. I assure everyone I'm fine. There are good jokes in here and if you like to imagine me drunk, I figure this is what it sounds like.
Tragic and bloody true crime! Weird animal stories! Shocking superhero secrets! Everything the almighty algorithm says you wanted and more!
Tragic and bloody true crime! Weird animal stories! Shocking superhero secrets! Everything the almighty algorithm says you wanted and more!
Bears use house as Airbnb without owners knowing; Elon Musk buys Twitter and its still horrible; Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly blood-drinking habits; and 'fictosexuality'
5 black bears hibernate under a house, owners had no idea
In Memphis: Woman stabs husband to death after argument over the taste of coffee
Twitter sold to Elon Musk
Prince Mongo buys MySpace
Twitter: Steve Martin’s King Tut sketch in the 1970s makes people in the 2020s angry
JC Penny buys Kohls
Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly drink each other’s blood
3,500 pounds of cheese stolen in Netherlands; Iowa Democrats can't count; Fox News hosts are horrible people; and tackling in junior college baseball
Should Interpol agents descend upon Wisconsin after 3,500 pounds of cheese was stolen in the Netherlands?
Iowa Democrats can't count and Dan can't wait to get rid of the caucuses.
Paul notes the latest in horrible Fox News host behaviors.
And should baseball add tackling to the game after a brutal takedown in a junior college game?
Giant lizard story too horrible to contemplate — so of course we did; Plus: What word did the Pope use?; And this week's reason not to fly ever again
Something horrible happened between four men and a lizard in India and MSN decided the world needed to know about it. Now we do. And we can't get it out of our heads.
Lucky Charms poisoning allegations; new MLB rules; things middle-aged men can't eat
Paul serves a one-podcast suspension for continuing to text his Wordle score to Dan. T-square pinch hits and podcasts from his closet, where his wife arranges his clothes by hue. Silliness ensues. Enjoy.
Forget Major League Baseball: MLW Wiffle Ball is the summer game to see; Also 'Moon Knight' is good
Dan and Paul talk about stuff and things. They try to be amusing. They often fail. But this is free. You get what you pay for.
What can Brown do for you? Haul your brown, apparently, and other less scatalogical topics
Dan wants to know who UPS makes drive the Cologuard route.
Paul is obsessed with celebrities who have animals in their names.
Dan gets sleepy again. Don't worry. He's just tired.
Why are McDonald's shake machines always broken?
Paul catches March Madness
Why are McDonald's shake machines always down?
Have heard about the new Wordle? It's called Heardle.
Kurt Vonnegut and the March Madness bracket Dan can embrace.
The Cleveland Browns stick the knife all the way into Baker Mayfield. What will become of his amusing insurance commercials?
Everton should sign protestor who zip tied his neck to the goal.
Job opportunities for Hank the Tank.
#Batman pizza in America; No Coke, Starbucks, or McDonald's for Russia; Can you be a 'grizzly bear conflict negotiator' and tales of the missing episode
Dan explains what happened to last week's episode; Little Caesars is hawking a Batman pizza; Coke, Starbucks, and McDonald's pull out of Russia, but traitorous Pepsi stays; Job opening: Grizzly Bear Conflict Manager; Man caught at Mexican border with 52 lizards and snakes in his pockets and "groin area." All that and more on the latest "Talking Paragraphs" with Dan and Paul.
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: Dan takes a nap
I'm the problem with this podcast. Memphis Paul showed up. Let's be clear on that. We had material on animals doing strange things, the spelling of Andruw Jones' son's name, and a lot of background on Morris the Cat from the old 9 Lives cat food commercials. Paul brought his A game. Dan brought his Z game, as in "zzz." He kept drifting off to sleep, but not all the way. He kept talking, but the words coming out didn't make sense to either the topic or anything else. Some may argue that's always true. They might be right. After an evening trying to edit this mess into something worth listening to, Dan gave up. What follows is an hour of Dan snoring. Really. He's telling you straight. There's an opening and ending, but everything in between is the sound of his bedroom fan and him snoring. He dares you to listen to it.
More #Wordle talk; Animals with their heads stuck in human things; Russian security guard faces the law after he defaces painting
Paul is with this week. Dan's voice is on the recording, but he's kind of out of it. There are silly topics. Paul carries the load. Dan babbles. It's really sad. Someone should talk to him about it.
7 days of cold and dark: Memphis man's harrowing tale of surviving a rare Southern ice storm
The lights went out in Memphis around 10 a.m., Thursday, and our beloved Memphis Paul and his mother were plunged into darkness and cold for a week. How they made it through and other topics of great unimportance in this week's "Talking Paragraphs."
Brawl at Golden Corral when steak runs out; Remembering Darla the movie dog; Oscar Mayer face masks; and the New York Times buys Wordle, as players another reason to be smug
An ice storm in Memphis knocks out Paul's power. Guest host T-square Tyler pinch hits. He proceeds to have a genial political conversation with Dan which arises fears of the pitchfork and torches crowd. So, we cut it out. The remainder of the podcast, we hope, is banal enough to be amusing without offensive in a nation where being offended is the national sport.
Nobody cares about your #Wordle score; Peter Dinklage goes after 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves;' and other topics of great import
Items cut from this episode include a role play with Dan playing Matt Damon interview Ben Affleck, played by Paul. This was cut because Paul called Dan a hypocrite. That part was left in the episode. It doesn't make any sense, but what do you expect from us? Also cut from this episode was a lengthy debate about the quality of a major grocery store chain. This was cut because Paul worried we would lose their sponsorship, even though we don't have their sponsorship and they're a German outfit that makes you put a quarter down to use a cart, which means there is no way they're going to sponsor our podcast.
Goat escapes religious sacrifice by drunken priest — man doesn't; Wharton kid thinks $800K is 'average' American salary; New pirate stock exchange
Goat escapes slaughter as drunken priest allegedly kills man instead.
Wharton student estimates Americans make average annual salary of $800,000.
Pirates part of casino-style stock exchange.
McNuggets dipping into garlic pepper spice.
Foreign chip flavors revisited.
Gaspard Ulliel, Meat Loaf, and Louie Anderson all dead.
Shut up, Joe Rogan.
Netherlands protesting COVID restrictions by going to the museum to get their hair cut.
America falls behind the world in potato chip variety; Mexico raids Kellogg's warehouse, confiscates Corn Flakes and Special K; and more
Tyler pinch hits for Paul, whose off this week due for lode management. Chip flavors we wish were in America — or not. Mexico confiscates 380,000 boxes of Kelloggs cereals for inappropriate cartoons and sugary content. And some kid at LSU won a year's worth of Whataburgers, but does it come with aortic stent?
Why you should eat a Taco Bell taco every day for a month; Little Caesars' price hike; and dying at the right time
Dan and Paul are back with their weekly machine gun of laughter. Highlights include: A parody ad for anhedonia, a joke stolen from Jim Gaffigan, and a list of banished words stolen from the Lake Superior State University.
Oh, the humanity: French Fry shortage in Japan! College football chatter, and New Year's Resolutions from 2021 we actually accomplished
Dan and Paul are back for 2022 with a laugh-packed podcast for the New Year. The ol' Paragraph Stacker and the World's Most Dangerous Accountant discuss matters of little importance in hopes inspiring a hardy guffaw or chortle, but not a choke because neither one of them know the Heimlich maneuver.
Live play-by-play of Christmas presents being opened; mushroom coffins; 'Licorice Pizza,' 'Spider-Man,' and 'Matrix 4'
Dan and Paul give golf commentary on child opening last Christmas present; Save the planet — be buried in mushroom coffins; and movie reviews of 'Licorice Pizza,' the latest 'Spider-Man,' and 'Matrix 4.'
Paul's lost on a Christmas Tree Farm; Tyler is drunk on Winter Spiced Cranberry Sprite; and Dan is napping after finals.
Paul is off for load management. Tyler pinch-hits again. Dan has no agenda. So, basically, it's the usual mess for about an hour and 15 minutes. What are you going to do — watch football? Well, probably, but give play us over the game sound. It's modestly amusing.
Remembering Bob Dole, the last great moderate; Sex in the City tries to kill Peloton; and Zoey's Extraordinary Christmas Movie
Some of this stuff we talked about, some of it we didn't. You'll just have to listen to figure out which cats are alive and which ones never existed:Bob Dole death Zoey’s Extraordinary Christmas Sex and the City Pelaton death Dawson’s Creek Gi Joe comics acquisition Sandra Bullock Netflix Jennifer Anniston interview Live Before A Studio Audience Lesson plan: Clickbait Licorish pizza movie Tom Brady Jack in the Box/Del Taco
Sunny the horse airlifted to safety in California; Paul thinks an Instagram filter is like ViewMaster; and the 12 Days of Omicron
This podcast will self destruct after 11 plays. We dare you to try. Visit paragraphstacker.com for the latest musings of your host, the ol' paragraph stacker himself, Daniel P. Finney.
HBO roots through trash with Brittany Murphy death doc; We didn't watch Hawkeye, but not because social media told us not to; Is Omnicron a COVID variant or Transformers villain
Dan and Paul are two middle-aged men talking about things. There's no reason you should listen them as opposed to other people, but, then again, there's no reason you should listen to anyone about anything. Decide for yourself. We'll be here cracking wise and a decidedly mellow, maybe even lazy, pace. All we cost you is your time.
Special 50th Episode anniversary party: Celebrity notes of praise, G.I. Joe guys they never made, and demystifying crypto
We've made 50 of these podcasts. Maybe if you cut them all up, you could get one decent episode. Maybe. But, hey, listen anyway. We promise we're just as dumb as anything else you can get at this price and twice as dumb as most cable TV news.
In big business, breaking up is easy to do; Comic books we read and liked; Matthew Perry stalks Paul at L.A. Fitness
Let's be honest: This is not our best effort. But what are you going to do, not listen? Probably.
Dan gets COVID, Paul sees a movie, #ChrisPratt vs. #wokism, and #HotHolidayToys
Dan got COVID too late for it to be interesting. Paul reviews "Last Night in Soho." Our dynamic duo discuss the woke vs. Chris Pratt social media flap, how Cincinnati is doomed, and preview allegedly hot Christmas toys. Also: A customer service survey.
If any of us had any guts, we'd delete Facebook or Meta or whatever, also why you should get an MBA but not aromatherapy at WalMart
Paul returns from back injury and the guy gripe about Facebook's name change, Millenials who fear Gen Z, the meaninglessness of cryptocurrency, and the latest from the front lines of the Chicken Wars.
Peanuts holiday specials return to broadcast, PTI at 25, Johnny Carson -- still dead, and explaining Marvel movies to a father of two
Special guest host Tyler "T-square" Teske discusses why schools are having a hard time getting their supplies of square fish, rectangular pizza, and mystery meat for school lunches. Native Iowan Johnny Carson is discussed on his 96th birthday. He didn't celebrate. He's dead. Dan attempts a fall movie preview with a guy who hasn't been to the movies since 1993's "Tombstone." Bonus mild -- very mild -- amusements included at no additional cost.
Elk with a tire stuck on his neck for 2 years; Tennessee Vols fans are garbage people; and Harnessing cow farts for energy
Dan and Paul discuss the tale of a Colorado elk who wore a tire around his neck for two years; apologize for saying something vaguely complimentary about Jon Gruden; Sooners win with a new QB, while Hawkeyes lay an all-too-familiar egg; the Braves win, while the Cardinals sack their manager for "philosophical differences;" and we finish the whole damn thing in under an hour.
Dan endures the pains of middle age, Paul saves 15% or more switching insurance, and Jon Gruden's old emails
Dan and Paul each recorded this podcast supine in bed and Dan drifted off about halfway in, so a lot of his speech is slurred and babbling. The good news is nobody can tell the difference. Paul makes some good points, but there are long, silent pauses punctuated with a loud "uh" or "um." Paul explains why he doesn't want to use real sound bites in the podcast. Dan does it anyway.
Podcast: The mystery of 'The Price is Right' yodeller, Daniel Craig in a pink crushed velvet tuxedo, and two useless facts about Tennessee
Dan and Paul discuss "The Price is Right" 50th anniversary special, Sooners, Hawkeyes, "Fuck your couch" guy on TikTok, and two positive facts about Tennessee.
Podcast: KFC smuggling in New Zealand, More Violence on the Airlines, CNN's ridiculous fall headline, and Lewis Black's Anger Button
Buddies Dan and Paul meander through half-read headlines and barely noticed news stories for an 1 hour, 10 minutes. Listen for mild amusement.
Podcast: Remembering #NormMacdonald, #Jeopardy can't find a host, and TikTok of the week
Dan and Paul talk the death of Norm Macdonald, Jeopardy's host search woes, Paul Finebaum vs. a real gator, the saga of Purdue's big drum, another snotty director doesn't like Marvel movies, and TikTok of the Week.
Podcast: Death at McDonald's Drive Thru, Attack of the Robot vacuums, and a Joke from a Johnny Carson rerun
Dan says "uh" and "um" a lot. Paul pauses before every take, making editing longer and more tedious. That's right. It's another edition of Talking Paragraphs. Join us for humor set to medium.
Podcast: Back to school, College Football returns, 'Shang-Chi' review, and the sound of a tennis ball can being opened
Low-key duo Dan and Paul trim their wordy format. Less time, more takes. TikTok of the Week. The official Talking Paragraphs Playlists.
Questions, comments: Email firstname.lastname@example.org or comment. We'll read your question on the air and mock it openly.
Podcast: Milk crate stacking challenge perils, what animals could you beat in a fight, and TikTok of the week
Former newsman and current grad student Daniel Finney chats with his pal Memphis Paul about the latest stupid trend, which animals we think we could beat in a fight, and a TikTok with the final word on the "Field of Dreams" game.
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: We ask a real Iowa veteran about Afghanistan
A BLOCK: Special guest retired Army Sgt. Lew Jordan explains Afghanistan was always going to end like this.
B BLOCK: Lew joins Dan and Paul in talking about their favorite "G.I. Joe" toys and cartoon episodes.
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: Field of Dreams game, emoji anxieties, and a joke from a Carson rerun
Thoughts on Afghanistan
Field of Dreams game
Batman ’89 comic book
Emojis new meanings
Quiz: Who plays in that ballpark?
And a joke from a Johnny Carson rerun
Paragraph Stacker Podcast: In praise of taping down drunk airline passengers
Pepsi betrayal state fair
Airplane passenger taped down
Zero hedge of the week
Messi changing teams
Remembering JR Richards
Iowa vs. Iowa State: Bar version
Game: 90s vs 80s
Joke from a British show
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: Paul's illness, fun Olympic stories, ScarJo sues Disney
A Block: Paul's illness and an amusing note from Zero Hedge.
B Block: Watching the silly Olympic sports.
C Block: Scarlett Johansson sues Disney over "Black Widow" streaming.
NEW Talking Paragraphs Podcast: Paul runs vicious burn on Starbucks
A. Block: Accidentially deleted by hamfisted engineer with a bum knee and numb hands slathered in lidocaine.
'B Block: Recap of the missing A Block, sports talk on Oklahoma and Texas destroying college football, the Cleveland baseball team's dumb new name, and some other dumb stuff that's long been forgotten in a haze of Tylenol and iced tea.
C Block: It's really just another part of B Block because the engineer was too damn lazy to cut a seperate track. Topics include the new He-Man cartoon on Netflix and a planned Frogger live-action game show.
Talking Paragraphs: Violent baseball, Olympics chatter, and RIP Biz Markie
Dan and Paul discuss wild fans at MLB games, the Olympics, Turner and Hooch, and Biz Markie.
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: "Almost softball-sized hail" and other lies
Dan and Paul discuss "Dress Coded," Iowa hailstorms, and acts of kindness.
Talking Paragraphs on Vacation: Dan and Paul Together Again for the First Time
A Block: Airlines suck, Vacation activities, and Dan's injury.
B Block: Sport chat on Wimbledon, EuroCup 2020, and #Yankees 70-year-old ball girl.
C Block: Entertainment takes: Rick & Morty rule, vacation food, and Line of Duty finale.
Talking Paragraphs: Britney Spears' legal troubles, #ChickenWar shots fired, #MLB pitcher shakedowns, and Salma Hayek's big problem
A BLOCK: Dan's birthday, Britney Spears' legal troubles, Brett Farve vs. trans athletes, IKEA's bad menu and shots fired in #ChickenWars
B BLOCK: #NBAPlayoffs, #EuroCup2020, #MLB pitcher shakedowns, #JeffGordan gets a job
C BLOCK: Vacation, the $5-billion Roth IRA, and Salma Hayek's big problem
Podcast: Talking #EuroCup2020, Paul's vacation, and 'Cruella' versus 'Supergirl'
A BLOCK: Dan and Paul take EuroCup 2020 from the casual soccer fan's perspective.
B BLOCK: Why is Paul packing a suitcase?
C BLOCK: Movies: 'Curella; Comics: Tom King's 'Supergirl' No. 1; Memes: Batman: The Generous Lover
If you make it to the end, there's a brief kazoo concert
A BLOCK: Giant Marilyn Monroe visage terrorizes Palm Spring
B BLOCK: ESPN sells rage and anguish instead of sports
C BLOCK: Reviews: "The Batman's Grave," "The Woman in the Window," and Paul's Drink of the Week.
Dan and Paul discuss #MemorialDay, HBO, and the NBA Playoffs
Dan was going to try to do a nice professional edit on this podcast, but he realized he forget half the things he learned about GarageBand this summer, so he said to hell with it and published the podcast raw and edited. Buckle up you brave six listeners. The weird have turned pro.
SEASON 2 PREMIER: A lot of nonsense and inside jokes recorded for your amusement
America is back! Dan and Paul discuss life in a post-COVID age. BREAKING NEWS: Dan's parents' famed July 4 celebration is back on and you're all NOT invited. Well, Pau is. He might even come. But not the rest of you savages. Stay away. My uncle used to be a cop.
Season Finale: Memphis bridge woes, ESPN woes, and Angelina Jolie is in a movie
Vaxed and sick, Chicago BS and rich kid blues
What happens when robots take over drug dealing and other questions for our time?
Outdated takes discussed without urgency
#ChickenWars claims two more casualties
This podcast so interesting one of the hosts fell asleep
Talking Paragraphs: SPRING SPECIAL — Cremation, Easter Candy and baseball
Talking Paragraphs: Peeps Pepsi and one sip over the line
Bracketology Disdain, Hat of the Week, Pen Recommendation: Bic stick blue
Once up a Coke Coffee
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: Taylor Swift vs. Netflix
Talking Paragraphs: The occasional podcast returns
Tips for recovering your password to your multi-million dollar Bitcoin account
Talking Paragraphs: Dan’s first week in TV; Memphis Paul goes on a rum bender around the world
If you play this podcast backwards, it says ‘Memphis Paul’ is dead
Episode 9: Got the COVID-cancelled holiday blues, sports takes and adventures in dental surgery
PODCAST: Thanksgiving side dish problems in Maine, Tony LaRussa needs a driver, #Iota playlist
Things we’re looking forward to after the election that have nothing to do with the results
It's the Great Halloween Candy Podcast and other topics
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: Karens take over TikTok and roleplaying the final days of Tab Cola
Old friends Memphis Paul and the Paragraph Stacker ride again with a comedic ride through Karens on TikTok, roleplaying the end of Tab Cola and a speed round of the topics that no one really should care about in the latest epic episode of Talking Paragraphs.
Talking Paragraphs: The solution to pandemic uneasiness and other topics
Grizzly crime visits Memphis Paul at night
Talking Paragraphs: Rod from Rodman comics talks 10th anniversary
Talking Paragraphs Podcast: Things have changed
Exiled newsman Daniel P. Finney talks Fox's lousy college football crew, reviews 'L.A.'s Finest' and 'The Boys,' ponders what movies will bring us back to the theater and bad fast food sandwiches.