Is this Love?

Dare to revisit some of your biggest blunders or crazy arguments in your relationship. Did any occur when one or both of you were under the influence of alcohol? Have you or your partner ever been busted watching porn and what was the reaction? Join me in this episode for some insights to the counselling room on the somewhat effects of drinking and alcohol in couple's therapy and what you can do about it.

I’m certainly not one to encourage peering into life’s revision mirror for too long, however it is worth giving yourself some recognition for making it through the recent years we have endured. Now that you’ve patted yourself on the back, let’s take a look at yourself and check you’re not making the 7th top relationship mistake I notice in the couple’s therapy room.

Have you overlooked any lingering effect on your mental health and how you now show up in your relationship?

Take out today’s to-do list and scan it for where the people you care most about are listed. 

Not there?

I agree with you. Your wife, husband, partner, children, grandparents, grandchildren and bestie don’t need to go on the list as they’re always there.

But are they?

It’s fair enough that the following elements of life’s journey take priority at times:

…. The list goes on!newborns and growing hungry, noisy children that then need to be driven everywhere!
earning the big bucks to retire early, or just trying to stay afloat to keep the family alive
caring for elderly family members
refining your abs, or just trying to knock off a few kgs

Have the recent bizarre years extinguished your energy for passion and romance? You wouldn’t be the only one to have found yourself suffering from a bad case of “flat-mate syndrome”. Maybe you’re even struggling to make conversation with the person you fell head-over-heels with many moons ago or getting down and flirty together is a distant memory.

Valentine’s Day was the perfect cue to invigorate your relationship with these strategies for the whole year to get that head-over-heels feeling back in your relationship but I'm checking in to see you didn't leave it at one day.

What is the one major common denominator I notice that inhibits a healthy approach to conflict?

Humans. Yes – you.

Confronting, right? Rarely do we have the headspace to point the finger at ourselves when it comes to arguments with our partners. Why? Let me explain what the theme of "self" is so important to check why your approach to the conflict may be going so wrong. You may actually quite like my idea!

We've all heard that "Jealousy is a curse"! You may have also read that "Envy is the art of counting another's blessings instead of your own." How about this one?  "A flower never thinks of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms".

Jealousy wilts your relationships.

The most well known form of jealousy is the sense of rivalry and suspicion. The unpleasant apprehension of infidelity. Tune into learn what I commonly notice amongst couples I work with that really unravels them:

Jane and Mark are great communicators. Their lifestyle is organised, structured and fun for their four children all under 14 years old. All children enjoy at least two after school activities each per week despite Mark working full time and Jane part-time. One child has special needs so attends additional therapies. Despite this, their lifestyle ticks along extremely well. Jane and Mark have rarely argued throughout their 16-year marriage so why were they in my counselling room? Tune in to find out how they had fallen prey to a common mistake in relationships.

Have you ever struggled to comprehend or accept your partner’s previous life before you? Maybe they can’t handle your horrible histories?

​Welcome to Part 2 of my Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes Series. Here are some particularly challenging topics I’ve noticed when you can’t get past your spouse’s past:

They’ve:​

• lied or covered up mistakes from their family, friends or partner
• cheated on their previous partner
• had more sexual partners than you'd have preferred
• retained very close associations with their previous partner’s family or friends

Welcome to the “Top 10 Worst Relationship Mistakes” series as noticed in the counselling room. You are welcome to enjoy this also from personal experience as a married relationship therapist who is living and breathing the wondrous relationship reality!

It's a wrap for my Inhibitors to Intimacy series with this beautiful term, Naked to the Soul". It blends beautifully with explaining one of those main blocks to the love your crave and deserve.

With special thanks to Peter Janetzki for his expertise on this.

Sadly, we were already in the grip of a mental health crisis caused by trends in Australian society featuring shrinking households, greater tendency to be more mobile severing old-fashioned neighbourly friendships, the rate of separation and divorce, decreasing birth rate where we compensate with more pets instead (which isn’t all bad!) and the information technology boom that has us feeling more connected than ever before but more apart from each other! Enter a pandemic then forced isolation and we ‘stack’ a sense of global fear to already high anxiety levels for many Australians. Enjoy my idea on alleviating loneliness during physical distancing (not social isolation).

It seems social distancing and increased downtime for many equates to more screen time. Not a week goes by when cyber-related challenges aren't raised in the counselling room and I have some excellent prompts and topics for you to discuss with your spouse and family.

Does social distancing translate to a greater use of pornography? I don’t know but many people do ask me if pornography is a contributing cause to the demise of relationships? This is an extremely controversial topic and always will be. As a relationship therapist, I journey with clients without judgment and respect their opinions and values. This episode refers to the most recent statistics from the world's largest pornographic website and the good or bad impact on relationships.

"I haven't spoken to the mother-in-law for six months now ... apparently, it's rude to interrupt.” chuckled one of my clients recently.

The focus is mothers-in-law as we contemplate Mother’s Day on 10 May in case you need to prepare!

Not just the outlaws but extended family and friends, too and  I’m quite sure there are a few relieved people that have found social distancing quite beneficial? Starry-eyed romantics are often caught unaware after slipping into the love vortex. Clarity is skewed, thanks to oxytocin: the love neurochemical that helps us pair up. Many seal their commitment with a kiss and a ring, only to realise down the marital track there's a whole new group of influencers behind their beloved. Let’s assume that any one unlike yourself is just well, weird. Those people who may stray from your ideals, values and behaviours are aliens. Your in-laws will often fall into this category. Your partner’s nuances and behaviours are super cute at the start. When a few of those start to grind on you, there’s that shocking revelation! With utter dismay, you realise there’s a couple on a planet where they learnt them from who are frighteningly way too similar. You exclaimed, “You’re just like your mother (or father)!” How did that go down? I know. Not so well.

Australians in many states can enjoy a glorious winter but we may still withdraw a little from the chill, find it harder to exercise and feel more irritable. Our lips get dry and cracked and so can our relationships. You may have started the year with the intention to give your relationship another big shot and rekindle the connection, then found it further strained throughout social isolation. As we approach mid-year, maybe you’re both on the downward spiral and bogged down.

Whilst this one is more for the ladies, I know you blokes will sneek a peek. So gals, here are your winter intimacy revival techniques you’ll love and could well loathe!

It is so normal for intimacy levels to wax and wane throughout life’s challenges that involve lack of sleep throughout parenting, illness, stress and uncertainty during a pandemic. Enjoy the more specific how to's when overcoming a lack of intimacy in your relationship. What can you do to rebuild intimacy?

It is essential to evaluate your individual approaches through neuroplasticity in harnessing the power of your mind which is fabulously renewable and fundamentally, changeable.

It is a wonderful gift to navigate an uncertain world knowing someone “has our back” despite our flaws, failings and mistakes. We fare much better when we share the load of life’s challenges with a significant other. Healthy intimacy was beautifully described by one of my mentors as being “naked to the soul”. It is a realisation of our inherent design to submit with vulnerability to enjoy a sense of safety and security based on trust. We flourish when we allow people into our emotional world and share physical and spiritual intimacy with our partner, facilitating an inexplicably beautiful and mysterious bond. This week is a comprehensive approach to this very important topic that could well improve your own mental health so tune in for the Top 5 common snags that cause intimacy to fade are and my Top 10 Tips on what you can do about it.

Are you married to “Lazy bones, “Good-for-nothing Gladys” or “Layabout Larry”?

These are just a few of the terms (I’ve omitted the worse ones) often to describe spouses in the counselling room.

On one hand, it is so great to have that friend who is so laid back, you need a spot fire to to rouse them into action.  They are just so chilled out, so mellow, it is enviable. 

On the other hand, being married to that person can be a different thing. This person could be termed as “enough oriented”. That’s right. They are living in the moment doing just enough to get by and often, less than enough.

Compare this with your frenzied lover who is frantically hurtling themselves through every day, planning this, over-achieving that and find it abhorrent to sit down. These people could be termed “more-oriented”. They don’t just live in the moment but continually planning for the future - and beyond!

How about some in between? Tune in as I discuss Jill and John's challenge on this topic and how they went from diverse orientations to thriving and connection!

When your partner undermines you with friends and family. Listen in for examples of when this common snag occurs and what you can do about it.

Listen in to how Leonie and Bruce came to enjoying transparency and lifting the burden of hiding aspects of themselves for true intimacy. Hear about the common topics we hide in our relationship and one major point not to overlook at the end!

Deep love is when your spouse expresses affection how you long for it and not what they need - Joanne Wilson

Freida would arrive each fortnight for her relationship counselling session with Fred and repeatedly complain how much longed for him to welcome her home with a warm embrace. He repeatedly seemed to ignore these requests.

She had given up on seeking affection in the way she truly longed for it.

In fact, Freida would appreciate ANY gentle caress of her hair and long for him to initiate cosy snuggles on the couch after dinner in the evening.

As it turns out, Fred was super uncomfortable with this because he never experienced this from his parents. They were the supportive kind, attended all his sporting events, would encourage him and applaud his academic achievements - but just not the touchy feely type of folk.

Understandably, the whole touchy feely stuff outside the bedroom was a foreign and weird concept he just didnt' get. Fred would rather get busy supporting Freida around the yard and helping with the kid's sporting events.

Listen in to what was really going on and what we did....

Feeling trapped in isolation and loneliness from days of conflict is exhausting. Here's where to start...

One of those main things that fuels disconnection and loneliness in relationships is the lack of continual alignment and checking in where you're headed. There is no emotional safety when you don't have united goals or dreams.

Join me as I discuss Jan and Phil and what we did about their situation to haul them rapidly back toward a loving, intimate connection. 

What to do when your relationship makes you feel a lot less than the best version of you.

Ever suffer from loneliness in your relationship?

If so, be assured you’re not alone feeling alone in your relationship.

Common category causes for loneliness reported in the counselling room are the three S's: Soapies, Screens and Schedules. I’m also adding “Transparency” to the list.

Tune in as out outline some strategies to combat loneliness in your relationship.

Real happiness does not come from getting everything you want. It comes from sharing what you have with the people who matter.

Christmas time is approaching!  Here are my themes of major relationship challenges I notice each year so you can avoid them. It is a time of love, of compassion, of togetherness … and often, of barely constrained arguments. Healthy relationships are the underpinning of our mental health so I’ve summarised all the seasonal relationship stiflers I notice in the counselling room.

With thanks to My Weekly Preview for featuring this article and spreading the love!

There is a myriad of reasons for relationships to run off track. The main derailers to relationship bliss are inevitably unveiled by the same root causes. If there is a year that would send anyone off the rails to financial chaos and concern, it is 2020!

The greatest outcome is a “united front” when it comes to aligning yourselves on the important and inevitable aspects of life - death, money and taxes! You can’t take your hard-earned coin with you to the first one, so you may as well get your finances back on track so you can include some fun with it together beforehand, particularly in the lead up to Christmas!

Out of all the rooms in the house, where do you spend most of your time? From your wardrobe, which items get the most wear? Of all the apps on your phone how many do you use the most? How many of your customers account for most of the profit?

80% of results will come from 20% of the action!

From where I sit, the 80/20 rule reigns even in the Counselling room! 20% of relationship issues account for 80% of the angst.Don't forget to take advantage of something great that came of 2020! “Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project” is my blueprint for individuals and couples to passionately reclaim their desire for the deeper intimacy, love and respect we are designed to enjoy and flourish with!

With ten simple Toolbox Topics, this book is presented as a research-based but easy-to-read, inspiring sometimes entertaining and transformational go-to guide. Immensely practical, is set to make a big difference for oldly-weds, newly-weds and anyone contemplating a relationship.

Spread the love and share with anyone who might benefit or it is definitely the perfect gift!

Since embarking on my career as a marriage therapist, I unceasingly feel incredibly honoured to journey with individuals and couples during their most challenging junctures of their lives. Add a pandemic and the experience sure has been heart wrenching and inspiring all at the same time.

As we continue to experience the symptoms from uncertainty and change, listen in for the four things I’ve learnt as a marriage counsellor during 2020.

Don't forget to take advantage of something great that came of 2020! “Renovate Your Relationship – All The DIY Tools For Your Most Important Project” is my blueprint for individuals and couples to passionately reclaim their desire for the deeper intimacy, love and respect we are designed to enjoy and flourish with!

With ten simple Toolbox Topics, this book is presented as a research-based but easy-to-read, inspiring sometimes entertaining and transformational go-to guide. Immensely practical, is set to make a big difference for oldly-weds, newly-weds and anyone contemplating a relationship.

Spread the love and share with anyone who might benefit or it is definitely the perfect gift!

I want to hold your hand, Every time we touch,  Touch me. There are so many lyrics in history about the importance of touch. Physical touch communicates positive emotions: joy, love, gratitude, and sympathy. Consider the elderly, incarcerated, people choosing to be isolated or those unwell without the language of touch. From a passing brush on the arm that breath-taking and memorably featured during those early days of courting to the affirming “I’m here for you” meaning 30 years down the track.  We thrive on touch. The way we are touched can have a lifelong impact - good and bad. Join me in the episode as I contemplate the power of touch and changing with the times of the transition of the printed to digital newspapers!

Men's Health Week is a great opportunity to celebrate our mosaic brains and the incredible, uniqueness of the masculine and feminine tendencies found in all blokes – some weighted in more areas than others. The world needs you and your health is a critical matter. There are health issues which only affect men. The world could be more sensitive toward your needs and how we promote healthcare in a way that makes it a more engaging place for which you can be cared for.

How would you rate yourself on the “change scale”? Revel, avoid or somewhere open to it and in between? Find out more on the struggles presented in the counselling room and how you can approach the challenge of change.

Enjoy the start of my new series, "Intimacy Inhibitors" which will include some Valentines Day thoughts and tips. Up first is the insightful concept of checking your antennae frequency in your relationship.

Don’t forget to: