The Hate Napkin

EPISODE 65 SYNOPSIS 

BALACLAVAS, BABY WIPES AND 500 MEXICAN DOLLARS 

Team THN welcomes a new advertiser to the show: Men’ Vodka! “When the bathtub dries up, there’s always Men’!” 

What can we say? In life, things can always get worse. And this episode is definitely worse. 

Well, it sure ain’t the fault of our super special guest. Team THN is joined once again by none other than America’s Liberal Voice, Robyn Kincaid, from The H.O.R.N. (Head-On Radio Network)! 

Catch Robyn as the host of The H.O.R.N. over at: www.headon.live/ 

Technically, there is a co-host for this show. His name is Arik. As he inches ever nearer to certain death, or rehab, a nasty frog settles into his throat. He pushes through the pain and reads “Mr. Stanky,” an excerpt from his latest book, “Uber Nights” (available on Amazon). 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali accompanies—if you can call it that—on guitar. 

Our other special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, saves the day with some express hatred of public bathrooms in Mexico. What can one do actually with one single square of toilet paper that one has to pay for the privilege to have and use? 

Also, Carla shares her story of being pulled over and bribed by Mexican federales. When a cop in a balaclava demands $500, you might just be able to buy him off with a suitcase of baby wipes.  

Finally, Arik throws his life onto the Hate Napkin. We can’t agree more. 

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EPISODE 63 SYNOPSIS

YOU ONLY LIKE ME FOR MY ALMONDS

Co-host Arik asks Team THN, “What exactly does it mean when a dude gets his manhood cut off?”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “When a woman gets a job instead of a man, or when a woman gets paid the same as a man.”

“Hmm,” says special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, who reaches for a machete and proceeds to cut off Pauly’s manhood.

The news is hard to swallow, but Pauly cannot stand almond milk. Almonds aren’t mammals. Almonds don’t have teats. And, most importantly, you cannot motorboat an almond. (Also, the creation of almond milk is bad for the environment. And we feel especially bad for the migrant workers who have to squeeze the damn tiny things all day long.)

Meanwhile, Arik despises dumb-themed T-shirts. A cartoon avocado defecating guacamole is not silk screen worthy. A Slim Jim T-shirt, on the other hand, is cool. “Truth is, we need a Judge Dredd for dumb T-shirts. Anyone wearing a ‘World’s Best Dad’ shirt should just be cut down right in front of his children.”

Next, the hate ball bounces from the games women play when you’re courting them to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (DIAL 988 in a dumb T-shirt crisis, folks!)

Finally, Pauly is sick and tired of hearing everywhere you turn: DOWNLOAD OUR APP! Recently lost your manhood? DOWNLOAD OUR APP! Wanna buy a stupid T-shirt? DOWNLOAD OUR APP? About to kill yourself? DOWNLOAD OUR APP!

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CLOCK SUCKERS FROM THE WAIST DOWN

And the THN Tony Award goes to Colin from Los Angeles, with an epic Hate Letter! Everyone hates Clock Suckers—you know, those mid-level managers who walk around the office with a clipboard, pretending to be busy while everyone else grinds it out for a living. 

Colin’s tale of Clock Sucker revenge is one for the Podcast Hall of Fame!

Next, the show takes an adult entertainment turn, as special guest, and resident finger gesticulation expert, Jordyn, shows off her toys that make noise. Wait, what’s that? Oh! Children’s sound-making toys? Um, totally different. True, there’s nothing worse than being jarred awake at 2 a.m. by a blue toy Mustang programmed to play “Bat Out of Hell.”Now, back to the “other” toys that make noise. 

Try as we may, we find it hard to hate battery-powered dildos programmed to moan at the push of a button. Actually, this could be a great educational tool for men—they need sound effects and directions. As special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, puts it: “If I put fucking road signs down there, men couldn’t read them.”

Co-host Arik considers other possible road signs: “CAUTION. CERVIX AHEAD. DEAD END.”

Carla again: “Nah. How about a button women can push where men care about something other than themselves!”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “I have a feeling that button is very close to that other little button men have a hard time finding.

”Next, can’t we just let troubled celebrities die in peace? 

A “moving” tribute to Anne Heche. Ellen is now with Portia, but Anne died in a Mini Cooper. Sigh. 

THN QOTD: “My whole life has been a cleanup on Aisle 5.”

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Most folks buy a house on a pond, kick back on the porch, and throw back a hard lemonade or two. But for co-host Arik, the high life only seems to serve as a launchpad for a midlife crisis of epic proportions. He can’t wait to take on bully birds, Big Telecom, plus the Dude Behind the Curtain. No, not George Soros. 

We mean The Big Kahuna with lightning bolts who sits idly by as all Creation, from humanity to ducks, unleashes untold cruelty upon one another. It’s enough to send the rest of Team THN scrambling for emergency Dilly Bars. As sound engineer Pauly from Bali puts it: “Has anyone seen my roll of duct tape?” T-Mobile is the first Goliath to fall. Who could stand to work in a place more than five minutes that’s lit up bright pink like a porn star vajayjay?

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, has mixed feelings: “I don’t know, place should be brown-lit, considering how many turd employees I’ve had to deal with in there over time.” Meanwhile, Pauly can’t stand employers who demonstrate a lack of trust even before they hire you. By the way, what’s wrong with asking a prospective employee for references? 

Excuse me, can I get a letter of recommendation from Bob in Accounting with some details about your sick leave policy? Plus, Carla can’t stand it when people email or text with a demand for an immediate answer, then ignore you when you do. (Kind of reminds Arik of a starving village praying for a drought to end. “Are you there, God? It’s me, Africa!”) 

THN PSA: “The Universe is going to fail you constantly. The vast majority of people are also going to fail you constantly. So if you happen to have a lifeline in this tenuous existence: DO. NOT. TAKE. IT. FOR. GRANTED.”

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Merry Xmas! For once, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, gets lit. Who can blame her, as co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali croon their favorite holiday tunes—then bang on music “legends” for unoriginal Christmas music. Grab a cup of nog and lotion up! Team THN celebrates the season as only they can.

puff-puff-puff. Welcome to another execrable episode—puff-puff-puff—of Masterpiece Hate. puff-puff-puff.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Haterbator Mailbag and produces a letter that gives all pause: O, how one longs for the days of Cold War duck & cover drills, where a student could escape reading aloud “Dick & Jane” to the whole class by hiding under a desk and pretending this would serve as protection from a Soviet nuclear punking. Instead, students today constantly partake in active shooter drills in the much more likely event that some dropout with an assault rifle will show up to scatter their brains across the chalkboard.

Co-host Arik is strapped (not with a gun!) for a comedic response. That said: “If you really want to get rid of school shootings, there’s only one solution: get rid of the kids. Not with a machine gun! Just stop sending them to school. Period. No more students, no more school shootings. I mean, who’s going to waste any bullets on a couple of janitors and a frumpy PE teacher?”

Arik is sick and tired of going into retail establishments and being asked at the end of a transaction if he’d like to make a donation. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali suggests that an easy way to end this practice is to tell the minimum wage cashier that you’ll match their personal donation. Better yet! Ask for the manager, and while the line piles up behind you, inform the manager you’ll be pleased as punch to match the entire management team’s collective donation.

Carla can’t stand sleep deprivation. Arik and Carla get into a tug-of-war over what’s worse: suffering with cataplexy, a rare form of insomnia that includes waking nightmares, or having to take care of a goblin Basset Hound puppy whose nose turns on every night at 1 a.m.

Meanwhile, Pauly interjects his hatred of pity parties.

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puff-puff-puff.

“Butter Churning Butt Fungus & Mad Ham Flingers, LLC”

This episode is sponsored by THN Creamy Butter! THN Creamy Butter: “Churning out hate since 2022!”

No, seriously. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, brings in her old timey wooden butter chur—Ahem! Carla! Oh, Lord. Can you please stop churning between your legs? See, on the camera, it looks like—folks, DO NOT let the little ones watch this episode on YouTube.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents two items of hate from Vietnam. He’s sick of all the motor bikers using cell phones while scooting about Ho Chi Minh City. But he’s equally appalled at all the idiots driving Porsches and Lamborghinis in a city jampacked with motor bikers: “They can’t ever go more than 20 miles per hour! And they’re constantly being banged up by moron bikers on their phones!”

Co-host Arik is sick and tired of that damned toe fungus ad that springs up on every website in the world. “Enough! That toe is like some sort of supervillain appendage with a hatching alien growth that’s about to destroy the world.”

Pauly explains to Arik the marvels of algorithms and corporate web spying. Looks like someone in the Bjorn household has—“But I don’t have toe fungus!!”

Carla: “That’s precisely what someone with toe fungus would say.”

NEOLOGISM ALERT! CONTACT WEBSTER’S! CARLA COINS A TERM: “BUTT FUNGUS”!

Arik is also in a volcanic huff about Ticketmaster, Amazon and all the other giant, web-based retail companies that send customers through AI text labyrinths and FAQ swamps to seek solutions to problems THAT REQUIRE HUMAN ASSISTANCE. “I’ll just have my computer connect with your computer, and they can resolve this issue in Webinar Wonderland.”

Also, the limp eggplant horrors of plastic straws. And, for that matter, curved eggplants!

That’s a wrap. Join us next week for another episode of “As the World Churns”!

Cock-a-doodle-doo! Roll out of bed, you sleepy head! The early hater gets the worm! Co-host Arik literally woke up seconds before the show started recording, so please forgive him for not wearing any pants. (Warning: do not watch this episode on YouTube.)

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, cannot stand Road Ragers. Why the hell would anyone cut her off, then brake-check her for several miles, throwing the bird at her all the while, when she’s behind the wheel of her boss’ F-450 Platinum?! Thankfully she doesn’t have “roid rage,” so said arse-bucket behind the wheel will survive to drive aggressively another day.

THN PSA: To all speeding jerk-weeds in Chargers, please note that the driver you swerved around and dusted 30 seconds ago just pulled up to you at the next red light. Figure it out, and chill the F out.

Arik expresses hate couture for all of the teenagers these days sporting T-shirts of bands and musicians who they don’t know a damned thing about. KISS, Cat Stevens, Prince, Gin Blossoms, Whitney Houston. “If you’re wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, and I yell ‘FREE BIRD!!’, and you start looking around in the sky—you deserve to have that shirt ripped off you where you stand.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is tired of negative online reviews of large chain restaurants. Don’t get your panties tied in a wad over only receiving two ketchup packets. You knew what McDonald’s was before you walked in the door! Also, for what it’s worth, that’s two more packets than you would have received at any Michelin star restaurant. (Also, maybe burn a calorie or two. Get off your lard ass and ask for another packet of ketchup—and maybe a life!—at the counter.)

That’s all for now, folks! Arik has to put on his Green Day Dookie T-shirt and take his morning “constitutional.”

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.”

Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto Man.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali serves up smartphone hate on a plate, and it bytes! What the hell is with all this bloatware! A person has to become a full-blown computer programmer to remove all the unwanted, pre-installed apps that take up endless space on one’s phone—not to mention supposed “anti-spy” programs that actually track key movements.

Arik throws up his arms. “Listen, if Big Brother wants to know whether I like to eat ass, or if I don’t like hirsute women, what the hell do I care?”

Carla takes notes so she can sell Arik’s info to Google. “So, salad tossing, good. Hairy pits, bad.”

Next, Carla unearths a vein of pure, golden hate: lazy teenagers who lie. It would appear that Cletus is in the doghouse this week—which is convenient, given Gus the Wonder Hound’s recent departure for the canine afterlife. Once upon a time, children were scared to death to lie to their parents. Now, serial lying is a foundation for a future career as a CEO or politician. (Jeez, remove heavy beatings from the home, and look what happens.)

Pauly presents some cultural hate du jour: toilets that are installed too close to walls. “Everywhere I go in Asia, the toilet is right up against the wall! You can’t spread your legs wide enough to relax and let number two do its thing!” Arik foresees that without relaxing sphincters, the world may soon face a Hemorrhoid Pandemic! Carla concurs: for the sake of hygiene, no more ass wedging!

Thus begin The Great Toilet Tales of 2022, from Arik’s basement children’s toilet (the revenge of a contractor who was mad to be given one-ply TP during a major project), to Carla’s mysterious toilet-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-no-walls basement.

Folks, we often promise the anals of hate. This time, we deliver.

FLUSH!

Achtung, Husky Ladies of Austria! Pay heed, to our Anonymous Superfans in Titusville, Florida, and Topeka, Kansas! It’s a special day of loathing and detestation ! Flips of the bird all around!

Join us as we celebrate Episode 50 of The Hate Napkin with our special awards ceremony: The First Annual Hateys!

Today, one member of the beloved—I mean, despised—THN Gang will walk away with a coveted Bronze Fleur-de-Lis Napkin Holder!

Each member of the show nominates two of their favorite items on The Hate Napkin from the first 49 episodes. Then the THN Gang votes—or muddle wrestles, whatever it takes—to decide The Ultimate Hate Champion.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the nominations with co-host Arik’s WWW Rant from Episode 7: “Although you declared your hatred for the WWW part of URLs, throughout that episode and ever since, you haven’t been able to stop saying WWW. So I officially nominate the Orld Ide Eb.”

Carla also nominates Pauly from Bali for The Dreaded Webinar from Episode 8. Folks, this nomination clearly leads the pack early on. There are few things the THN Gang has abhorred over time more than Webinars—except perhaps Cancer Babies. “Webinars are hell—the absolute worst that humanity has to offer.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents the phrase “At the End of the Day” for nomination. This was part of Carla’s “Filler Word” Rant back in Episode 13. But wait, there’s more! Pauly also brings forward Weak Handshakes, another Carla gem, from Episode 33.

In a Will-Smith-crack-to-the-face moment of tension, Pauly openly declares his refusal to nominate Arik for a Hatey. Pauly’s mad that Arik has saddled him with the title of Sound Engineer: “We have the worst sound of any podcast in the world. Why do you keep telling people that’s my responsibility?!”

Arik just can’t pass on Carla’s Disquisition of the Tube Top in Episode 14. Carla accepts his nomination with abject humility: “The thing is, tube tops have a time and a place. But men wearing tube tops in Walmart is never the time nor ever the place.”

For Arik’s second nomination, he really wanted to honor Pauly’s annoying “Tokay! Tokay!” call from Episode 21: “It was one of the most gut-bubbling funny things of all time. I actually peed myself on air a little.” Then there was Eric Clapton’s dead baby. At the end of the day, he puts forward Pauly’s Raw Vegan Rant from Episode 36.

The THN Gang then contemplates just what might be in the shopping cart of a Walmart Tube Topper. Moon Pies? K-Y Jelly? Glitter hair gel? SUDAFED®? The product possibilities are endless!

Drum roll, please! Ladies and Gentlemen, Muffin Tubers of all genders! The First Annual Hatey Award goes to…!

My name is Bob. You rarely hear from me directly. I’m the senior editor at THN Media. One of my responsibilities is to create the summaries for each episode. Most of the time, it’s really fun. Hell, no one even cares if I just make up stuff.

But I really don’t know what to do about Episode 49. At this week’s staff meeting, I suggested that we shove it in a missile casing and launch it toward North Korea. Everyone told me to get back to work.

Episode 49 started out fine enough. As you know, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is also the manager of the local Dairy Queen. Co-host Arik asks her: “When you’re cleaning the DQ men’s room, instead of using urinal cakes, do you just drop a Dilly Bar in the urinal?”

Cute. Well, I thought so. Carla stared hard at Arik, then proceeded to read a lovely hate letter from Nikki Goldenheart: “Hello, my fellow dispensers of Hatorade! Let’s keep it simple. I hate vehicles that hog up all of the gas pumps on any one aisle at the gas station—especially Amish passenger vans!”

Carla follows this golden epistle by sharing her hatred of websites that refuse a user access until they sign up for the site. Pauly practically has a hategasm over this.

That’s when things go sideways. Pauly hates idiots—then throws himself on The Hate Napkin. (Clearly, he’s just positioning himself for an upcoming Hatey.)

Then Arik goes off the rails. He starts with a nostalgic sidebar about Kurt Vonnegut and the heyday of the short story. Then something about lot lizards and cheese curds at the local Kum & Go. Something something The Pooper. Then a story about the time when columnist Dan Savage visited the Columbia City Paper staff. Arik finally concludes with an aborted THN PSA about getting bodily fluids and excrement on the sheets during lovemaking.

Arik concludes: “There really isn’t any shame—it’s all just part of the human experience. We’re stuck on this tiny rock in the middle of a galaxy surrounded by billions of other galaxies with billions of stars.”

Um, not quite true. Actually, there is quite a bit of shame. And it’s called Episode 49.

Hello, everybody! Hey, Steve! Pass me a Budweiser! Let’s spread some seventh inning stretch hate!

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali takes the hate baton and starts running. And he better run fast, because in his declaration of despising fat people wearing T-shirts, co-host Arik and special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, show off their XXXL couture and threaten to sit on him until he’s a hapless little f$ckcake.

THN PSA: READ BANNED BOOKS!

Next, co-host Arik hates having to give an enema to a loved one—not that he has ever had to, er, ASSuage a loved one’s pain. The THN Team plies him for more details, but Arik won’t budge. No, seriously, he can’t. He’s a fat man in a T-shirt. (We conclude this segment with an interview with Saudi Prince Inima Damama.)

Arik also can’t stand dick pics. It’s perfectly understandable that a random stranger doesn’t want an electronic eggplant sent to him or her sans invitation. But it’s just as problematic taking a photo of one’s own schlong and sending it across the ether to another human being, by request.

Arik: “I mean, ultimately, someone else might be able to tell it’s my genitalia.”

Pauly: “Dude, you’re not supposed to include your face in the photo!”

Arik: “Oh.”

WARNING TO YOUTUBE VIEWERS: Sigh. Arik proceeds to show a dick pic.

Carla saves the day with some basic everyday hate. She cannot stand retail labels that are impossibly stuck to products—especially when the label impairs the use of said product! For instance, if you’re a company that produces watering cans for plants and gardens, perhaps DO NOT place your large sticker over the GD spout!

Finally, why does every eligible bachelorette in this country have a New Age side gig? Why do you have to go outside in the middle of our date night movie and place water bottles within view of the full moon? And, no, I do not want to hear about my aura! But…would you like a dick pic?

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali unleashes hate upon irresponsible dog owners. When two dogs are sniffing at each other apprehensively, the last thing they need is their owners to start screaming bloody murder and waving their hands like Kermit the Frog. In Dogese, this translates to: “KILL THE BASTARD!”

Co-host Arik, who was once bit in the nuts by a 170-pound Anatolian shepherd, agrees: “HEY FIDO! INSTEAD, TEAR OUT THE THROAT OF YOUR DUMB OWNER!”

Arik surmises that The Hate Napkin’s success (wait, it’s successful?) is due to the fact that (1) Arik loves cats and hates dogs, (2) Pauly from Bali loves dogs and hates cats, and (3) Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, loves Arik and Pauly.

Speaking of felines and canines, Carla has an announcement: Gus the photobombing hound had to be put down due to cancer. Yet Gus’ ashes remain in the video background in perpetuity for all to see. (How long will it be before Carla puts Arik and Pauly down? Stay tuned!)

Next. While the Arbor Day Foundation remains just about the only charity Arik will make donations to these days, he can’t entirely leave the ADF folks off the hook. “Every four days, I receive this HUGE packet of paper from the Arbor Day Foundation. So basically you took all my money, cut down a bunch of trees, then sent me the remains asking to help grow new ones. This is kind of like St. Jude asking you for funds on the skin of dead cancer babies.”

The bile in Arik has been building: he also can’t stand the celebrity overthrow of all forms of media, including podcasts! “Here we are, toiling away for 40-some episodes, and Andy Dick comes along and takes our penultimate spot at the bottom of the podcast ratings!”

Carla: “40 episodes of nothing. The Hate Napkin: the Seinfeld of podcasts.”

Finally, we conclude with Arik’s bleeding anus and Pauly’s bloody party trick—plus Pauly pees himself, and Arik shovels his own poo!

We begin the episode with an anonymous hate scrawl submitted to the THN Anal Mailbag: Any time you get a 1 a.m. work call that begins, “B*tch, you out your mo-fo mind?!” – the only proper response is, “Can I buy a vowel?”

Almost immediately, the show descends into a debate on male castration and women in the workforce. Compromise: either we get rid of all the balls of half of the men, or one ball of all the men. No matter what: all women get to go home and sip daquiris. Folks: we call this Progress.

THN PSA from sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “Unless you’re two gay men yapping at each other, it’s not acceptable to address someone as ‘b*tch.’”

What about Clifford the Gay Pit Bull with one ball? Hmm.

Co-host Arik hates humorless people. The world is a bag of shit. Laugh at it. Including, according to Pauly from Bali, the mop of orgiastic mophead pubes on the top of Arik’s head. Arik: “Yeah, some days I feel like I just covered my pate in Elmer’s glue and dipped it in the toilet.” Well, at least he’s consistent.

THN PSA II: Any time you feel insecure about your body, just remember, if you cut off any particular body part and put it on a paper plate, it would look silly. Doesn’t matter: noses, lips, anus, little toe, zozo.

Pauly from Bali: “Heck, the fun part is putting your toes and anus together!”

Arik: “Add a little peanut butter, and you have yourself a party!”

Next, a conversation about the hate we give to public figures. Once you sign on the dotted line to be famous and get your hair done by someone else on a daily basis, you’re open game. You’re no longer one of us. So get ready to get b*itch-slapped at the Oscars or Golden Globes. And like it.

In closing: Carla does not powder her bush. Does that make her a Brazilian?

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the anals of the THN Mailbag for a couple of classic hate epistles: Jeff from Dampfstain, Ohio, wonders if it’s okay to burn down the house of the man who’s been driving around the neighborhood with a giant Russian flag attached to his vehicle.

Carla’s advice: Jeff, arson bad. But…if a flaming bag of dog kaka-poo ended up mysteriously being spread all over this Putin-lover’s porch, well, them’s the breaks.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali sounds off on the disrespect shown to teachers: “When I tell people I teach ESL, they look at me like I’ve opened up a meth lab. Parents, students, administration—they’re all awful. So my advice to any teacher is: Quit. There’s just no reason to do something when you’re not appreciated.”

Meanwhile, co-host Arik can’t stand Wordle. Hey, New York Times! “Felch” is a five-letter word! Show it some love! Pauly: “Are you saying playing Wordle is like poking a straw at the alphabet. Sticking a straw in there and just sucking out all the juicy letters. What’s not to like?”

Speaking of sucking, Carla can’t stand bosses who say they like self-starters, then question every self-start the F out of you. Bosses: stop micromanaging!

Also, disdain from Arik for QVC and HSN. Every time his elderly mother orders something off the boob tube, it shows up broken or the wrong size—or just plain “NO.” Thus, The Great Return begins. Find a box the size of a glacier to return the three Bumblebee-Pattern Whisky Barrels that do NOT look nice in the garden. Search the internet for three days for a return slip. Go stand in line at the post office for a century. Wait a millennia or two for your credit card to get reimbursed. By then, 18 more things have arrived to be returned.

THN PSA: Do not put duct tape on your package. I mean, unless you’re into kinky.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off with a hate bargain. For a mere $1,500—or the price she paid in Mexico to have all her teeth extracted and replaced—you too can pay to have your dog’s infected tooth removed. Seriously, folks, next time your precious pooch has a toothache, scale The Wall with a couple of pesos and a burrito in your pocket and go visit Dr. Vasquez in Matamoros, Mexico.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali next chimes in with a Hall of Hate, despicable phrase. There is nothing worse than when you’re debating a moron (who is standing up for a fascist, narcissist world leader), and they justify their position by telling you, “Just Google it.” Well, yes, there is something worse: when said idiot leading the rhetorical charge is a Frenchman.

Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Co-host Arik names the Orange Dung Gibbon and is instantly exiled to the THN Penalty Box. No, that really happened. “Just Snopes it.”

Arik escapes the penalty box and rants about The Flat Earth Society. No, really, the Earth is a dirt pancake. It is! “You need to educate yourself.”

Next up: predictive text! Why is my…POOP GREEN? POOP BLACK? POOP RED? POOP SMELLING LIKE A FRENCHMAN?

Why is my…SPACEBAR NOT WORKING? Um, think about that one.

Why is my…CAT SHREDDING ALL MY TOILET PAPER?

The Great Debate! Toilet Paper: Over the Top? Under the Top? Arik is an over-the-top kind of guy, but Carla makes a good point: she’s under the top, so the cat won’t shred all the toilet paper. “Just ask anyone.”

And, finally, bringing up the rear: Why is my…DISCHARGE BROWN? Probably for the same reason: Why is my…THUMB NUMB? “Just ask Excite.”

Please type “YES” if you want to listen to this episode. And “NO” if you want to rot everlastingly in the pit of hate hell. Please do not reply to this paragraph—no one is really listening.

To begin, co-host Arik smashes a plate of spaghetti hate against the wall: NO MORE MEDICAL APPOINTMENT TEXT & EMAIL REMINDERS! Especially at 7 a.m. a full week before said appointment is set to occur!

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali shows he cares: “So, Arik, how did the anger management appointment go?”

Pauly then wastes several minutes calculating the cost of penile enlargement procedures in the U.S. healthcare system. Finally, Arik interjects with his hatred of “please see cashier for receipt” messages at gas stations. The purpose of paying at the pump is so you don’t get stuck behind Lotto Man for 20 minutes!

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, blesses all with an interpretive dance of Arik at the pump, doing his irate where’s-my-receipt dance in Florida: “GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! Ma’am, can I please have the bathroom key?”

Meanwhile, incoming text: “Kindly tap your foot three times in the bathroom stall, Senator Graham will be right with you.”

Group Question Time! Who’s your most hated Dick Tater of all time?

Carla is tired of Hitler glorification. She goes with Vladimir Putin. Now here’s an up-and-coming historical asshat without redeeming comic value. Pauly however questions Putin’s long-term success; whereas, Hitler has a proven track record. Also, it’s almost the Fuhrer’s birthday. Just don’t tell him to blow out his candles!

Arik wonders why Stalin and Mao always get short shrift? They murdered millions more than Hitler and never get credit for their hard work. That said, he opts for the Duvalier’s of Haiti. I mean, there are very few successful father-son dictatorships out there. Papa and Baby Doc for the win!

Hello. I am Kevin. You THN customer support rep. I am please to happy help you with all hate needs you have. No, I am not in Mumbai. I live in suburb fortress town known as Burnt Korn, Alabama. I am neighbor with show special guest Carla, who is local Queen Dairy. Cows worship her glands of fulness.

You like creamy butter? Let offer me you full-year supply THN Creamy Butter with your listen of Hate Napkin podcast. And now I reach into anal bag of hate mail now we will! Oh, sorry, I can no help with printer problem you have. Let me transfer you to colleague Julia.

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Hi, cohost Arik, who is also driver for Uber! Julia this is! Oh no. You say Uber is worst corporate armpit on planet? What seems to be issue? You say faceless tech companies who sell out, and put dollar-making over actual service? I am displeased to learn there are support service representatives who raise chickens in background of phone calls for one dollar per day. Please let me place you on hold while I find my script, which was eaten just now by screaming diaper baby.

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Lord Almighty, we can all agree there isn’t enough hate in the world for foreign-based customer support call centers. Carla assures us there’s also room for hating naked men who drive SUVs onto front lawns—especially hers. Guess they’re serving Bath Salt Blizzards and Embalming Fluid Parfaits at the local Dairy Queen.

Meanwhile, Pauly from Bali is sick and tired of rating systems. “We don’t need a star system for educators! Teachers are supposed to be handing out gold stars, not pupils. Students don’t know anything! That’s why they’re being TAUGHT.”

Speaking of which, co-host Garrett gets zero stars for ditching the show.

P.S. GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! RAINBOW. UNICORN.

Once in a while, we reach into the THN mailbag and discover a letter of such exquisite abhorrence that we set our delicate egos aside and grant a listener center stage as Epistolary First Chair of Hate. Such is the case with poor Steven of Urbandale, Illinois, who at the local grocery store recently battled Handicapped Hilda plus an army of social workers and police officers for the honor of his self-soiled elderly mother. (Shh. Don’t tell anyone that Steven keeps his ma locked in the back 40 shed and only feeds her Meow Mix.)

Co-host Arik follows this G.O.A.T. Hate Letter—only to be upstaged by sound engineer Pauly from Bali’s carafe o’ beer. Arik wades through the suds, then tells a St. Patrick’s Day rideshare horror tale of drunken zombie college students, who, just the night prior, attacked his poor Kia and left him for dead, whilst Officer Doolittle and his assistant Brenda whistled Dixie and gave each other pedis.

THN PSA: Please don’t mob-kill your Uber driver, even if he’s not wearing green.

Also, thanks for nothing, St. Patrick. You just had to return to the island of your tormenters to show them Jesus. Just so you know, so many centuries later, all it resulted in was an SUV mirror getting whacked by a four-sheets-to-the-wind freshman, and the near drawing and quartering of a perfectly innocent cabbie. So, Paddy, thank you for bringing the world one step closer to “The Purge.”

Pauly from Bali next directs our attention toward proper disgust: with the world on the verge of a major extinction moment, why the holy bleep are restaurants and cafes providing takeaway materials to in-house guests?! Also, we don’t need 8 million plastic straws for our beverages! Are you trying to make the Pacific Garbage Patch bigger than the Great Red Spot on Jupiter?!

THN PSA 2: The only time you need a bloody straw is for a coconut. Period. End of story! (Paid for by The Dirty Sanchez Fund to Make “Felch” a Wordle.)

Co-host Garrett couldn’t make it—he’s too busy rounding up succulent wombs for male intergalactic dictatorial rule.

Thus, co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali work their magic to constrain special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, in the wake of the Supreme Court’s abortion ruling.

Guess what? It turns out that Clarence Thomas is even worse than the genital smegma of certain right-wing podcast hosts. (Gee, and to think our dear justice got his start popping pubes on Pepsis.)

See you in the DQ back alley blizzard fetal lab! whiiiirrrrr!

Send us your “supreme” hate to info@thehatenapkin.com

Co-host Arik begins our 40th Episode with a travelogue tale of the Phallus Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland. Sadly, the female equivalent in nearby Keflavik is very hard to find—it’s just a hole in the wall. BA-DUM-CHING!

Anyway, if you ever want to know what a pig dick looks like, head to Iceland—or as special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, says, “Save your money. Here’s my ex-husband’s address.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali wipes the floor with the Napkin of Hate—and it comes up covered in seafood on pizza. From clamshells that chip your teeth to ocean bed tubers to barnacle balls—enough! What the hell happened to good ol’ pepperoni and sausage? Folks, it’s time to reclaim mainland meat on ‘za!

Next, Arik leaps to the front of the line with a prodigious candidate of hate: why the hell are box stores like Target scanning our driver’s licenses when we buy alcohol—to say nothing of products like Benadryl?! It’s one thing to check someone’s age, but why are private enterprises amassing databases of our purchase of Barefoot wine? Carla’s take: “They assume we’re all running meth labs. Heck, in Burnt Korn, we all are.”

Arik steps to the plate again: dog owners who live in apartments that cannot accommodate large breeds. “If your domicile can’t handle a cow or a flock of sheep, then don’t make a Chow Chow live there.” Carla chimes in with her hatred of predatory late-night vet clinics that charge double one’s mortgage payment for basic care. Pauly: “If it costs more than $50, eat the animal or put it down.” Hmm.

Let’s welcome our new sponsor: THN Vet-in-the-Box and Hot Dog Stand! “Our dogs aren’t kickable, but they are lunchable!”

Finally, after a discussion of teen irresponsibility and lame excuses, we introduce another new sponsor: THN Crusty Towels! “Serious, mom, a bird flew threw the window and crapped on my face towel!”

Co-host Arik from Columbia “Spank me, Sherman!” South Carolina announces The Hate Napkin’s newest sponsor: “THN Day Drinking. That’s THN Day Drinking: sour grapes in the morning for everyone!”

Uh-oh! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, let’s slip that in addition to her key roles at the local Dairy Queen and newspaper, she’s also the president of the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali also announces a new THN sponsor: Carla!

Speaking of, Arik throws AA on the napkin of despite. He admits that while AA has helped millions of people globally, his experience is a bit different. Once upon a time, he had a ton of sex in a big church in Virginia—or, was he a sexton? Lord knows. Just pass the communion cup. “Every time there was a break during an AA meeting, it was like the running of the bulls to get outside to inhale as many donuts, cigarettes and cups of coffee as humanly possible.”

So…if you’re just replacing alcohol with equally unhealthy doses of tobacco, sugar and caffeine…well, we’re just saying. Carla nods, while lighting up, sipping on her cup of joe and taking a spoonful from a bear claw Blizzard. (Um, on YouTube, we see that bottle of Barefoot wine in the background.)

Carla reaches deep inside the THN mailbag and produces a message from Renee from the Pacific Northwest: her recent use of the word “hung” on Facebook was taken by the Zuckerbots to mean “lynching.” So she’s been suspended—which is unfortunate, because she really was just referring to her gigantic male organ.

Great letter, Renee. And thank you for being one of our best Turbo Force High Velocity Air Circulators! Um, fans.

Then we invite some kiddies to the bar, throw back some Kool-Aid vodkas and present them with a day-drinking crash course on the history of currency, which involves trading three goats for everything from shiny yellow metal to hidden sequences of 1s and 0s.

Plus, fun tongue moments and “Pekong” duck with Pauly!

Note from THN Management (but not co-host Garrett): Arik accidentally referred to Africa as a country. We think it’s fair to refer to him as “incontinent.”

Co-host Arik begins the show in the corner—literally. Bottom right of the screen, for those tuning in via YouTube. He’s pissed off special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, and is trying to hide as best he can. Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali, who joins us from The Killing Fields of Cambodia, is drooling beer onto his lap. And co-host Garrett remains secluded from it all in a Colorado bomb shelter. A perfect start to exploring the anals of hate (with hot sauce)!

In celebration of cancel culture, Arik asks the question: if you could rid the planet of any one country, which one would go the way of the dodo? For example, maybe you’re sick and tired of all those consonants in Wales—too many vowel movements over time! Poof! Bye-bye, Wales.

Carla steps to the plate, and, like a god swatting a gnat, annihilates the West African nation of Burkina Faso. “I mean, it’s not like we have to worry about their nuclear arsenal or anything.” True, true. And, just like that, the 21 million inhabitants are no more. Upper Volta, nice knowin’ ya! Sad, they spent all that time outlawing female genital mutilation for nothing. (Note: the editorial board at THN LLC does not agree with willy-nilly nation-state annihilation.)

Pauly could care less about obliterating nations—he’s too upset about the fact that the dandruff shampoo he recently used at a hotel actually gave him dandruff! Well, duh. Why do you think they call it dandruff shampoo? No false marketing here.

Arik next regales all with a tale of his early days in Columbia, South Carolina, where he was presented at a restaurant with a plastic basket filled with insect larvae. Of course, these were actually boiled peanuts. His reaction to the taste? “Honestly, I would rather eat out Oscar the Grouch’s bumhole.”

Meanwhile, Carla can’t understand why her teenager doesn’t understand the importance of locking the doors. Then again, Cletus may be on to something, “What’s so bad about getting stabbed to death in your sleep?” Hmm. He has a point. Or maybe he’s just working out an early inheritance.

Co-hosts Arik and Garrett remain on special assignment in Las Vegas. Which means: no yukatas, no chapkas, no chest hair shrubbery, no off-key Prince karaoke. Instead, we present to you the mellifluous radio sounds of special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, and sound engineer Pauly from Bali. 

What do we hate today? There’s a bone in my canine, dear Liza, dear Liza! For dog’s sake! Don’t feed other people’s pooches!

Also, Carla has had it with Gringo Zuckerberg and the new Skynet policy to survey anything a person might have typed three years ago and throw you in the social media pokey—even if autocorrect is to blame for changing your “mediation with your ex” to, um, “masturbation with your ex.” (No one’s getting off in that courtroom.)

What’s worse is that these megalithic social media companies have no human beings (not even in foreign-based call centers) to whom one might present one’s case for wrongful judgement. We now live at the whim of HAL 9000’s cross-wired, halfwit toaster brother, Walt. Thank goodness there’s a Facebook group for this: Baby Boomers Who Hate Books.

Finally, why the holy ribeye must vegans constantly announce themselves as vegans?! “Hi, I’m Bob, I’m a vegan. Did I tell you I was a vegan? Hey, have you heard the good news about veganism? Oh, and I’m a raw vegan. That means that when something falls from a tree, I flagellate myself with it until I’m bleeding. Then I dip the twig in my own red juices and eat it. Yum-vegan-yum!”

Hey, waiter! Can I get a veggie burger with three strips of bacon and a side of Catholic guilt?

#hooters #happyendingsunday

Special guest Sergei Cossack is filling in for co-hosts Arik and Garrett this week. But our other special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is quick to point out that Sergei’s accent sounds more than a bit like a drunk Inspector Clouseau.

Okay, so Arik has clearly lost his mind—or maybe he’s just been watching too many Yakov Smirnoff clips on YouTube. Then again, sound engineer Pauly from Bali’s post-morning-Turkish-bath-Harvey-Fierstein defense of French and Russian salad dressings pretty much dooms this episode from the start…

But, all is MIRACULOUSLY SAVED when Carla reaches into the THN mailbag and pulls out a classic communique titled “Bitching and Whining, Pissing and Moaning.” Well, it’ll take all four to lift us out of our hate fog. Thank you, Cyrus from Canada—you’re probably well on your way to a well-deserved Hatey.

Pauly from Bali follows up with a PSA on bitching and moaning in the expatriate community. Listen, you left your homeland! It’s in the rear-view mirror, so stop your bellyaching and enjoy the fact that you don’t know enough about your new country to hate it soundly. Also: “Don’t be a bigger dick than you already are.”

That said, Pauly from Bali revisits an old THN topic: wet bathroom floors in foreign countries. DING-DING-DING! We have a winner! Also, Arik assures everyone that, as an evening Uber driver, he is in a distinct position to verify that every gas station bathroom in the U.S. gets fully hosed down with sewage water at sunset nightly.

This episode seems doomed to a scatological conclusion, as Arik brings up the utter chaos of men’s room etiquette. No more synchronized pissing! Who wants to wash their hands with a stranger you just shared a urinal with? Also, to shake or not to shake? Too few shakes, and your boxers are as a wet as a Bangkok bathroom floor. Too many shakes, and the next thing you know, you’re in a paddy wagon.

Plus, whatever you do: DO. NOT. PRESS. THE. AIR. DRYER. #fecalmatterinthewind

Come aboard! We’re expecting you! But if you think you can get away with tossing high chairs across the poop deck just because we ran out of chocolate pudding at the buffet, you’ve got another thing coming.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, starts off the show wondering if we shouldn’t revise the test for American citizenry: “At least one time, prospective citizens should have to behave so terribly in public that they become a viral video. Because if that’s not American, I don’t know what is.”

Next, co-host Arik poses a serious question: “Some 30-plus episodes in, what have we learned so far?” Sound engineer Pauly from Bali, joining us from the Killing Fields of Cambodia, is amazed at how fun it’s been to talk about poop. Co-host Garrett is, not surprisingly, silent on the subject. As if the THN Gang could chat about anything serious! Soon, everyone’s playing the ‘What’s Worse?’ game. Wet bathroom floors or wet deli meat? Dirty tampons or dirty maxi pads?

Arik gets the show back on track. He can’t stand what he has to do to wake himself up in the morning: from the sound of the iPhone marimba alarm to the Port-au-Prince port-a-potty smell of his kid’s B-Complex vitamins to the eye-watering, gagging experience of brushing the back of his tongue. Carla chimes in: “And who the bloody hell texts reminders to order ice cream cake at the butt-crack of dawn?!” Um…

Pauly from Bali shares his distaste (literally) for gummy vitamins. Can we not all be adults and just ingest pills that function as smelling salts and taste like a camel’s ass? By the way, today’s episode is sponsored by THN Gummy Valium—when you want to dope like an adult with all the playfulness of a kid!

Damn, the Hate Boat is about to dock, but we still have so much rancor left! Finally, thank you to Carla for sending us out the door with pure Burnt Korn class: “Alexa, who the F lit the fuse on your tampon?!”

Things start off a bit limp-wristed thanks to special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama: “Have you ever met someone in a business setting, reached out for a handshake, and their hand suddenly flops flaccid? If women got boners, that’d be a boner killer.” Co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali try to mansplain weak handshakes, but get distracted with fantasies of Stephen Hawking demonstrating Kama Sutra positions.

Pauly from Bali raises the stakes: what about clammy hands? Arik is pretty sure he ate one once at a Myrtle Beach seafood buffet—then he comes over the top with the miscalculated European kiss on the cheek: “They come in for the kiss, but you’ve already stuck out your hand—suddenly you’re conducting a breast exam of a foreign dignitary’s wife.” Carla recommends pausing halfway through all European kisses, so that the person ends up planting one on your nose.

Moving right along: Arik tries to nip a new technology in the bud. Who the hell invented Emotional Spellcheck? (WARNING: CAUSTIC TONE.) Because whoever did should be hung upside-down by their balls and slowly fed to a herd of starving swine. (WARNING: TESTICULAR LYNCHING AND DEATH BY PORCINE OMNIVORES.) Life is too short for such bullcrap. (WARNING: MOCKING DIMINUTIVE PHYSICAL CONDITION AND TASTELESS REMARK ABOUT BOVINE FECES.)

In short—I mean, VERTICALLY CHALLENGED—Emotional Spellcheck is a technology we can all do without.

Finally, what the hell happened to business etiquette? Do you really need a reservation in an empty restaurant? Also: hey, I took the time to SHOW UP at your business—are you really going to take customer phone calls before helping me? If so, let me introduce you to my droopy hand.

This week’s episode of The Hate Napkin is being produced from a Quonset hut in the capital of Nay Pyi Taw, Myanmar (formerly Burma), where sound engineer Pauly from Bali dodges junta gunfire and secretly harbors lust for the West.

Co-host Arik is safe and sound in the capital city of Columbia, South Carolina. Co-host Garrett, however, remains bunkered in his bomb shelter, just in case the ghost of Sherman appears. And special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, shows no fear flipping patties at the local DQ whilst surrounded by MAGAs.

Your mission, Team THN, should you choose to accept it, is to travel deep inside the anals of hate without self-destructing. I mean, there’s a lot of nasty bile down here! Achtung, baby!

We begin with a confession by Arik. He has a chronic problem, if you haven’t noticed. And the only way he’s going to deal with it is by sharing it with the ma—Carla swoops in: “Two can play at this game! I hate co-hosts who interrupt!” Pardonus Interruptus, folks! It’s an interruption intervention, as only Team THN can manage—given that Carla has new teeth and can hardly speak, and Pauly from Bali is afraid to speak with the Myanmar secret police hot on his tail.

Carla adjusts her new pearly whites, steps to the plate and knocks one out of the park: Bad House Guests. Pauly from Bali agrees: “There’s nothing worse than when Gandhi shows up for a few nights, and suddenly you can’t find any of your slippers or saltshakers.” Also, that promise that he’ll lay in bed with your virgin daughters and not have sex with them tends to fall on deaf ears.

The second Pauly from Bali expresses his disdain for the “lowest-bidder” gig economy, Arik swoops in in full interruption mode with an infernal fast food ride-share tale. “FOLKS, DON’T TIP UBER DRIVERS WITH CHEAP-ASS WEDGES OF BURGER KING CHOCOLATE PIE! A HUNK OF HERSHEY’S DOESN’T PAY FOR GAS, RIDE-SHARE INSURANCE RIDERS, AUTO REPAIRS, GROCERIES, BILLS, ETC.!”

THN PSA: If you’re bored at home with nothing to do, throw on some khaki pants and a red shirt, head over to Target, and go up to people with manscaping kits: “Excuse me, sir, you look like someone who needs a good ball shave.”

Co-hosts Arik and Garrett are ready to rip each other to shreds on the gridiron of hate—except no one can keep a straight face. (Failure to report!) Also, it appears that someone spiked the Gatorade cooler! So Arik throws up his hands (false start!), and provides a little trip down memory lane to refresh listeners on THN origins.

Arik throws the red flag at the yellow flag: he’s tired of the vast majority of penalties in football—especially holding and pass interference. Garrett declares this the ultimate face palm episode (face mask!); meanwhile, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, and Pauly from Bali, joining us off the coast of Thailand, crawl into soft spaces to take naps. Really? A sport ball episode?!

“Listen, it runs both ways!” Arik bellows. “Who cares if you’re holding?!”

Carla awakes from her slumber, “Um, the person being held.”

Pauly from Bali suggests that a football field without holding would just become a massive hairy man hugging contest. (Illegal touching!)

The group finally gains some down field momentum with a discussion of Janet Jackson’s infamous Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction. Folks, why are we so uptight about boobs? It’s not like Justin Timberlake was poised to suckle. (Illegal face to the chest!)

Pauly from Bali gets a carry up the middle with the topic of man boobs. “Sometimes I just look in the mirror and see another sad face looking back. If you have man boobs, you actually should hate yourself.“ (Unnecessary self-loathing!)

Carla saves the day with something legitimate for The Hate Napkin: people who are consistently late. (Constant delay of game!) It’s not all about you, people! If you’re late, you’re just rude.

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Postgame Wrap-up: If you’re just tuning in—well, you missed a total disaster of an episode, plus a two-minute drill discussion on public oral sex. Still, you’re late, so you’re an ass. Hopefully you’re not too late to catch a hall of fame THN zinger: “You couldn’t just say co…”—(Illegal lips to the loins!)

Co-host Garrett is back again—just when we had given him up for being more dead than Meatloaf.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates it when people put fliers on her car window: “I came to get milk, not vinyl siding.” Team THN agrees! Of course, it would be kind of entertaining if you went to the local hardware store and some schmuck from Kroger stuck a “We got Milk!” flier on the windshield.

Co-host Arik next lays down the gauntlet on Garrett. Once upon a time, Arik put the classic sitcom “Seinfeld” on the original Hate Napkin—thus inspiring a decade-long dispute on the worthiness of the show admittedly about nothing.

What Arik despises most about the show is that it doesn’t represent how adults actually talk. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is quick to recognize that what Arik really hates are sitcoms. Arik next blathers with brainless references to “The Honeymooners,” porno Richard Scarry, Ricky Gervais, wedge-licking, Garry Shandling and whether or not Larry David is a vulgarian. Someone saves the day by declaring this The Bob Saget Tribute Show. This satisfies Arik—or at least shuts him up.

In the end, Arik is outvoted about placing “Seinfeld” on The Hate Napkin. However, in a spirit of compromise, everyone votes to place the café from “Seinfeld” on The Hate Napkin, as well as the entire cast of “Friends,” except Lisa Kudrow. Carla counters: “Who cares? I’m a ‘Golden Girls’ fan.”

Finally, A Day in the Life of Garrett—which may or may not include references to NyQuil, death threats, blackouts, TSA double-sided dildos, blue balls and blue streaks, Michael Imperioli and a menagerie of furry critters. Definitely not a life about nothing.

It must be raining purple, folks! Make that snowing purple. Co-host Garrett is back behind the microphone! And he’s sick and tired of metro areas, not accustomed to snow, panicking at its possible arrival. Or maybe he just hates weatherman for inciting inclement inanity.

Folks, we might see several snowflakes. Let the apocalyptic run on bread, milk and water begin! For special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, clearly this suggests a cabal between weather forecasters and grocery store owners. And long john manufacturers. And probably the Illuminati.

Co-host Arik can’t stand it when you go to an inspiring film, then are ripped back to piss-poor-poop reality by a movie theatre bathroom. Harkening back to the infamous THN Poop Episode, sound engineer Pauly from Bali, joining us from Angkor Wat, where all the curtains match the grapes—crepes—drapes!—he simply wonders why we never see urinal cakes in films like “Carlito’s Way.”

Garrett with a groaner: “That really takes the urinal cake!” Then he proposes the idea of stadium movie seat “relief suctions”—plus a private bidet of one’s own. NASA or Jeff Bezos should get on this ASAP. But THN Media is trademarking Stadium Pal and Stadium Gal right now.

Finally, Carla reaches into the Mail Bag with a Hall of Fame Hate Epistle from Mary, formerly of Treynor, Iowa, now a Citizen of the World. She can’t stand people who she despised in high school who now want to befriend her on social media. She accepts the requests of all former sluts, druggies and walking meat bags, but blocks them until she can verify whether they’ve learned anything in life. Invariably, they haven’t. Nearly all have turned into right-wingers who blame the LGBTQ community for natural disasters. They simply traded one extreme on the spectrum of depravity and ignorance for another. Mary, that’s why we’re here for you. You’re our former Little Miss Know-it-All forevermore.

Also, folks, watch out for all those gay snow earthquakes.

So, Team THN changed our recording date to Sunday mornings, and, well, co-host Arik already told the world he doesn’t like pants. Now he doesn’t like shirts. It’s so early! He just rolled out of bed. So let’s imagine we’re sunning it up together on the beach. (Co-host Garrett is definitely grateful he didn’t show up for this one.)

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, calls out Arik’s naked-from-the-waist-up double standard. I mean, it’s not like we’re in Copenhagen.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali drops deep and pulls one out of the hate bag: he can’t stand clear liquor bottles. “My spouse knows how much I’ve had—I have to run through the Bailey’s so they won’t know.” But Carla makes it real: “If it’s clear, I know how much my teenager sneaked.” Good point!

Meanwhile, Arik sneaks off-camera for a sip—he’s still a recovering podcast host, after all. Then he comes back on cam and regales all with the once and former history of Mini-Bottle, South Carolina! Once upon a time, a Long Island Iced Tea cost you a mortgage payment ‘round these parts.

Carla can’t believe her ears—I mean, after all, she’s from the land of drive-thru liquor stores. The Deep South might be the entire reason Civilization is being held back, but at least you can get access to easy booze.

Meanwhile, Carla is also sick and tired of people who can’t admit they’re wrong. And Arik can’t stand carrying in bags and bags of shit when he gets home from work every day. When will all this adulting end?!

Then, See You Next Tuesday, folks! Never has there been a more pertinent conversation about the female genitalia. There’s a word that some English-language cultures can say, and some that can’t. Let’s get to the bottom of the Latin word for Wedge! We all passed through there once—honestly, it’s just a word.

#rickygervais #dingalong

Let’s get physical! You’re here—the hardest part’s over! (No, co-host Arik has not been sweating it up in a local South Carolina cabaret—truly, he’s in his Planet Fitness gear.)

So: let’s get this hate party started! Arik hates websites that don’t pay their writers jack-poo. Every contributor to The Hate Napkin is a professional writer, and we all have felt the sting of no-pay for our lexical labor efforts. So, F all those websites—and a middle finger to every media outlet that screwed us over.

That said, as special guest Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, is quick to point out: “All swinging dicks with a keyboard so deemed themselves writers; upon which websites the world over were deluged with shitty writers—then said websites stopped paying professional writers—the result: now we get to read, well, shit.” Folks, what goes around, comes around.

“What does ‘deluged’ mean?” Sound Engineer Pauly from Bali, coming to us from Singapore, asks. FLOODED. It means FLOODED. Jesus, find a dictionary. Christ Almighty—2,000 years from now, future archeologists will discover three nobodies (plus no-show co-host Garrett) who chronicled all that was left to be said, and funny it was! Raconteur, baby! Look it up, too!

Other things we hate: “on accident” instead of “by accident.” Congeal. He-Man—and animation in general. Thanks for the bark of affirmation, Gus! More baht for your dong! Hold me closer, tiny nutsack. Nutpack scrotal sacks? The sound of squeaky Styrofoam while you drive? Click-click-click! Flipper! And all that jazz.

Carla: “I don’t know who’s F-ing a dolphin in the back—but knock it off!”

And there you go. For Carla. The worst. The worst. The worst. The best. (Where are you, B battery? We need you now.)

Co-host Arik steps into the hater’s box and immediately slaps a two-bagger off the wall: Why the hell are grown-a$$ adults using childish terms like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”? If you’re an adult who’s “with” someone, they’re your lover, your better half, your partner, your mate—apologies to Australia. Let’s be honest! People are having sex all over the world—maybe not Arik, but loads of folks. “Have you met Susie? She’s my f@$kmate.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali keeps his fecal theme streak alive by decrying people who refuse to clean up their dog’s poo. In his case, he may be the only person in the entire continent of Asia who picks up after his dog. “You do what I do! Pick up the poo! Dog doo-doo no good for you!”

Co-host Arik takes a bow for the camera and reveals his next loathing. He doesn’t mind that he’ll soon be bald. But he’s tearing out his hair getting there. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, presents a philosophical Argument of the Beard: “When do you know you’re done? Never mind—just shave your head and tell everyone you’re a late-stage cancer baby.”

Pauly from Bali weighs in with a diatribe against dyeing one’s hair past the half-century mark. Then all hell breaks out in the locker room, and the conversation devolves from coloring pubes to manscaping on the endcaps at Target to “getting hard and staying hard.” Pauly from Bali sighs, “Finally, we have accepted the male genitalia in society.” If only co-host Garrett were here to bear witness.

Co-host Garrett still ain’t here, but special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is! There ain’t no hospital beds ‘vailable cuz Omicron, and she ain’t takin’ no chances. Live with it, Man Babies! She’s got a full face of new pearly whites. So let’s get started!

Co-host Arik goes apoplectic over having to watch ads in the movie theatre, when he’s already mortgaged his house for tickets and a tub o’ popcorn. When are the American people going to rise up—no, not you, Paul Reubens. Holy—if your protest lasts longer than four hours, please call a doctor.

Arik’s movie theater rant is followed by a diatribe against gas station commercials that play whilst one fills up the tank. “I’m not a veteran, but don’t I deserve a discount for having to suffer through fake news bullshit while I’m pumping?”

Plus, pennies are a waste of time. No, serious, the cost of dentures is maddening! Stop it! So many dongs in sound engineer Pauly from Bali’s face! And Bangkok bahts in his lap! Man babies everywhere! Goodnight, Gracie!

Today’s final psychological trickery: “All things oral in Mexico are cheaper.”

Welcome to 2022! The temperature in Burnt Korn, Alabama, is a mere 4 degrees, and special guest Carla can’t wait to share The Hate Napkin’s newest sponsor: “This program is sponsored by Sofa King—it’s not just cold, it’s Sofa King cold!”

Every so often, a subject of such singular scorn arises that the THN gang rankles it from into to outro. Thanks to listener Kim in South Carolina—the first inductee into The Hate Napkin Hall of Fame—an epic execration against neighborhood fireworks is now deeply embedded in the anals of podcast history.

From Gus the hound’s recent New Year’s puddle o’ pee to co-host Arik’s memory of once being launched into orbit from a wayward M-80, we’ve got your fireworks fear and loathing covered. After all, what is more American than blowing up shit and doing it really loudly? (Answer: Blowing up things loudly in other countries.)

Just how illicit and insane are neighborhood fireworks? Sound engineer Pauly from Bali shares a boyhood tale of the Mafia smuggling fireworks into his Big Apple borough. Take your pick: would you rather be chased by a Bronx bully with a baseball bat or a redneck with a Girandola?

Arik rails: “The fact is, if you replaced fireworks with people tossing knives randomly into the air, the tradition would have been outlawed day one!”

You’d think that would be the final word. But still, a fire-breathing finale ensues of exploding vaginas, PTSD vets dodging dry cleaner cherry bombs and ancient cemeteries aflame during the 3,000th Anniversary Celebration of Jerusalem. Put that on a WE’LL USURP YOUR LAND FOR NO CASH sign and smoke it.

I hope you don’t mind, folks, but some shows get off to a slow start.

Hey, it’s an international hate extravaganza! While guest host Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, struggles to get Cletus to clean up his pigsty of a room, sound engineer Pauly from Bali shows off his Nerf orange plastic chair squatter toilet from his teaching days in China.

Then, oh boy, does co-host Garrett wish he were here! Pauly from Bali treats us to one helluva crapper crooner chorus: “Oh, Squatter, why do you make me go so low?” Oh, Lord—plop plop plop—please make it stop!

Back in South Carolina, co-host Arik is sick and tired of the phrase, “It’s just the South.” Why should we keep giving second chances to an entire region of the country that has done everything in its power for three centuries to drag all of global civilization—plop plop plop—down the drain?

Carla is quick to point out that she’s a direct descendant of General Sherman. Arik can’t resist: “Well, someone’s gotta say it. Sherman didn’t burn enough!”

Now there’s a bumper sticker, folks!

While Arik sits in the THN penalty box for the rest of the show, Carla rants over people who overshare with perfect strangers. On behalf of all retail clerks everywhere who have always wanted to scream at the top of their lungs: “I’m sorry you’re lonely, lady, but no one cares about your grandkids in Florida!”

The rest of the show is concentrated, lumpy poopy hate. Enjoy!

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches into the THN mailbag and shares the epistolary detestation of Broke Ass Kevin in Bastrop, Texas. He’s tired of speed traps and cops who can’t cut nobody no slack. I mean, what the blazes is the anti-socialist Lone Star State gonna do with $280 in fines, anyway? “Add another pylon to The Wall,” co-host Garrett, who isn’t here, supposes.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali jumps in with a tale of little guy heroism. Years back, the Town of Ridgeland, South Carolina, a blip on the I-95 Corridor, was home to the most notorious, illegal speed trap in these here United States. Here’s how, armed with just a FOIA request, two middle fingers and a banana yellow stucco news van, Pauly from Bali took it down.

Speaking of illegal traps, co-host Arik jumps into the hate ring with a recent yarn of hooker sting hell. Poor guy. He’s been single for 11 years. Finally, an attractive young lady spies him on a dating site. When he drives to meet her, he discovers she lives in a hotel. What follows is an epic rant against cocaine—or is it ARM & HAMMER Baking Soda?—manic “bunk mates” and prostitution entrapment.

Former prison matron, Carla, opines: “That’s what you get for trying to reform a fake hooker and send her to college. The cops were probably afraid to book you for fear you’d question their life choices!”

Apropos, Pauly from Bali adds one last thing to The Hate Napkin. “I hate the credit cards they use on those coke stashes in fake hooker busts. You know, they charge 30% APR on those things!”

Oh, hey, folks! It’s the sheriff’s department! Gotta go!

#tryingtogetherwet

This is your pilot. Welcome to THN Flight 21, headed for the far-off horizons of hate. Feel free to unbuckle your safety harness, but please refrain from using it to strangle the annoying tyke who’s been kicking your seat and playing his beep-boop-beep video game since we rolled onto the takeoff tarmac.

After spending too much time in airports recently, co-host Arik invites the THN crew to share its all-time air travel hate list. Co-host Garrett is nowhere to be found—he’s probably stuck in cargo. Arik can’t stand larb-brained passengers who stand up and grab their overhead items the nanosecond the plane lands. “We’re still 30 minutes from the gate! Where the hell do they think they’re going?”

Carla from Burt Korn, Alabama, is “fed up” with the whole TSA kit and caboodle—or, rather, not quite. Over the years, she’s been felt up many times by airport security, yet not one TSA agent has bought her dinner, or even a $7 packet of duty-free Milk Duds. On the other hand, sound engineer Pauly from Bali always opts for an airport security cop-a-feel just to steal the thrill from TSA Tony.

Carla changes the subject and goes on a rant about teenage boys: “no longer babies, not yet man babies.” Meanwhile, man babies Arik and Pauly from Bali bite their tongues. Except someone lets slip that maybe teenage Cletus will grow up to become a TSA agent.

Finally, expat Pauly from Bali rants about the mating call of the Tokay gecko. Arik wonders if this isn’t the cry of a wounded Hervé Villechaize wandering the beaches of former Burma. Or is that José Feliciano? Too soon? Who knows? Who cares? Certainly not Hervé. Tokay! Tokay!

Ladies and Genitals! Welcome to our landmark 20th episode, where we roll out the red napkin for our Little Blue Planet’s newest nation state, Barbados!

Barbados might be too short in the tooth to hate, but there’s still plenty of spite to go around for ham wipers, mother tuckers and butt flickers. “I for one don’t like the taste of the butt,” sound engineer Pauly from Bali assures us. “That would be the cigarette butt,” co-host Arik clarifies. “I think.”

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, regales all with an epic, road trip tale of porcine schmear. Then cohost Arik goes off on all his dead social media friends—who apparently can’t be bothered to RSVP to parties anymore. Pauly from Bali suggests a cremation button to bid the virtual deceased adieu.

Team THN next exposes a capitalist cabal to dip humanity in chocolate from one end of the calendar to the other. “We already have chocolate crosses. It’s just a matter of time before they start foisting Dr. King candies at us!”

Finally, Pauly from Bali declares that the fat man in the suit and the sneaky, egg-loving rabbit have had their moment. Let’s just celebrate Kwanzaa from now on. If we do, the world will finally be safe from confectionary overlords and auto dealership clearance sales.

In Scotland, do they call unwanted email haggis? Worm bread in Italy? Bush meat in Africa? One thing’s for sure: everyone hates spam email. If you’re equally sick of THE HATE NAPKIN, just click unsubscribe, and we’ll kindly stop pestering you in a dozen or so months.

Hallo, Deutschland! According to our crack analytics team, five percent of our listeners are women 50 and older in Germany. That’s no surprise, as we receive a constant influx of “hate” letters from fans like Inge in Leipzig, who is obsessed with the butter-churning skills of Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama. That said, Inge can’t stand the other “crazy goblins” on the show who “should be euthanized like starving street dogs.” (Inge has a point.)

During our next segment, sound engineer (he/him) Pauly from Bali starts to- {THN MEDIA DOES NOT APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE. KINDLY MOVE ALONG. THN MEDIA DOES NOT APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE. WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE? KINDLY HEAD TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH.}

Co-host Arik has had enough of the “Letter” word. It seems every GD-word naughty term in the entire F-word language has been reduced to some OSB letter. It won’t be long before the entire A-to-Z-word language is reduced to 💩.

The THN gang spends some quality time considering appropriate alternative terms of despite. Nothing quite says hate like calling someone a cow-hocked, camel-humping douche canoe.

Hello, everybody! It’s your co-host Arik! Welcome to The Hate Napkin!

Oh my God, who stole my cheese? Today’s episode opens up with a letter from Chase in Idaho! The fact of the matter is, we’re not funny, and we’re bad influences—which, well, is, um, all true.

Also, who doesn’t hate Idaho? Anyway, while we’re typically all about hate, we do in fact love Chase’s penmanship.

Then again, we do hate some things around here: including, this just in from Carla in Burn Korn, Alabama—beep! beep! beep!—People Who Know the Least Always Seeming to Know it the Loudest. To which we have to say: !!!

Plus, folks, you just have to Google “DUNNING-KRUGER SYNDROME.”

Why? Because footballer Aaron Rodgers and media personality Joe Rogan are absolute test cases. {BLEEP} on a stick! How many millions of people have to die before we start listening to scientists? I mean, what was The Enlightenment all about? But we’re not a political show. Except, um, this is about the future of the human race. Is that politics? Maybe just a little bit.

Plus, even though we’re all about hate: here’s a little love for Andy Richter.

p.s. Where the hell is Garrett?

These are the voyages of the Starship THN, going boldly where no wiping fabric has gone before. Deep into the anals of hate! (Well, one or two napkins have probably already been there.)

Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, our Paul-Lynde-center-square-super-guest-star, reaches into her local DQ napkin dispenser and produces a dandy: noise pollution from car stereos. The next time you think the rest of us need to share in your 100 decibel music appreciation, kindly shove your woofer up your keester.

Also, what the hell is with service animals these days? Don’t emotional support buffaloes cross a line? Who really needs a peacock on an airplane? Sound engineer Pauly from Bali claims service canines in his neck of the woods are best served medium well—though the barkage fees can be expensive.

From there, everything goes downhill—or at least downward. Pauly from Bali hates anyone who falls four stories at a construction site, crushes their legs, wrists, pelvis, collapses a lung, and yet somehow manages to survive. Carla agrees: “Yeah, I hate weak ankles.”

C’mon, the THN gang isn’t totally heartless. What they really hate are faulty scaffolds! Episode 17 is dedicated to Arik’s brother, Noah, who’s got a long recovery ahead of him. Good luck to him. Ah, screw that! The bastard gets to play video games all day for the next 12 months.

Finally, a roundtable discussion on bad movie sequels. Here’s a dreadful trifecta: Blade 2, Staying Alive and Independence Day: Resurgence. One thing’s for sure, it really does take an emotional support animal to sit through any Fast & Furious film.

Plus, we’re still waiting for that great poop scene to emerge from Hollywood.

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches into the THN mailbag with a letter of loathing from Bob in K.C., who reminds us that vehicular numskullery is always just one entitled parking spot away. Co-host Arik agrees: “Hey, it’s America! We don’t pull over for emergency vehicles, cuz we’re the bestest, biggest bungholes in the world.” Then again, sound engineer Pauly from Bali is pretty sure the dead guy in the hearse isn’t going to be late for work.

Arik blows his stack from the paid crooner at the local Costco singing about the blood of Christ while he’s picking out lambchops. Maybe every religion deserves its wholesale musical moment. Vedic chants to the holy cow in the dairy section. Ballads about the fatwah against Salman Rushdie in the bestseller section.

Next, spousal farts. Let’s just get past the dead-possum-ate-rotten-cabbage stench and find a way to harness our honey’s toxic fumes for the military industrial complex. But, seriously, is anything worse than an ex-spousal fart?

Finally, Carla shows off her brand new THN Napkin Dispenser and tells a tale of off-the-chart Mexico City mooching. We could say more, but to carry on would make us a-holes.

Tighten your mummy bandages! Slick back your werewolf cowlicks! Sharpen your vampire fangs! It’s a Halloween hate special!

Here’s what Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates about Halloween. Before you can say “trick or treat,” retailers from sea to shining sea have replaced scary clown masks with Harry Potter advent calendars. Heck, whatever happened to Turkey Day? Co-host Arik knows: “Thanksgiving, the ugly stepchild of Yuletide.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali wonders why people feel compelled to give out candy. Why not potatoes? Paint little M’s on them and tell the little kiddies they’re not ripe yet. Or maybe just toss household items into the jack-o'-lanterns. Who couldn’t use an extra shaving razor?

Ah, the golden days of Halloween, when you could count on a solid “Hypodermic Needle Found in Almond Joy” headline in the next morning’s newspaper.

What’s the most hateful Halloween candy? It’s a toss up between Bit-O-Honey, Black Twizzlers and Whoppers. Also, Milk Duds: “I’m pretty sure they’re just harvested rabbit turds dusted with chocolate.”

Finally, everyone agrees: holiday-themed hate podcasts suck. Carla, let’s talk about this after you’ve calmed down a bit.

This week, the THN gang tries to go corporate, but fails “udderly” when it can’t wade through all the questions required to open a business bank account. Co-host Arik accidentally declares THN a for-profit hate group, then hurriedly changes his answer to dairy farm. THN Media: the creamiest, most buttery podcast in the land.

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches into the mailbag for an epistle from Elizabeth in Pittsburgh. “My face just seems to piss people off,” Elizabeth writes, then asks The Hate Napkin to start a GoFundMe page to help her buy a new face. The boys offer some suggestions, including wearing a paper bag over her head. Or plastic, if she wants a more permanent solution.

Finally, Carla is sick and tired of tube top body dysmorphia, or TTBD. Let’s face it, if your tube top is accompanied by a muffin top, you have two choices: stay at Walmart, or go home and put the tube top over your head.

We could’ve ended the show on a high note, but sound engineer Pauly from Bali drones on for another ten minutes. Will he ever shut up? Will Carla ever stop laughing at his stupid jokes? Stay tuned!

Um, the Hate Napkin crew f@ck!ng hates filler words and phrases. Er, down with recycled language! That said, at the end of the day, what else are dithering idiots and talking heads supposed to use to connect their vapid, “horrific” thoughts?

Emojis! That’s what. We’re sick of those too! Grown-ass people, what does “dog” “poop” “American flag” even mean? And WTF: don’t even get us started on acronyms. SWOD. (That’s “spell words out dammit!”)

Also, Skype and Microsoft Teams: you’re both uninvited electronic flashers! Stop opening your trench coats when we boot up our computers. If we want to see you in all your digital glory, we know where to double-click you.

Plus, pick an animal, any animal. Then kill them all. And the Communist China plot to destroy us all with barcode stickers.

#firstworldproblems

Co-host Arik and Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, get all intimate, as they find themselves without co-host Garrett and sound engineer Pauly from Bali. Still, they ride about the lands of hate in Lady Godiva fashion (only, thankfully, with clothes).

Things begin with a letter from Tom in Bucyrus, Kansas, who pleads for the masses to take full advantage of the inventions of soap and deodorant. This inspires a days gone by tale from Arik of one famous Tinsel Town actor who once (allegedly) turned the Big Apple skanky rotten to its core.

Also, Thanksgiving is fast approaching! Let’s add the insanity of Black Friday shopping to our turkey and sweet potato-stained napkins. To restore some balance to the holiday, the THN crew suggests we let loose man-eating carnivores in the parking lots of Best Buy and Walmart on Thanksgiving night.

Also making the Hate Napkin this week is the scam of class picture day. And junk mail! Karla shows off her junk drawer, stuffed with useless snail mail from AARP. Arik’s junk drawer is filled with expired condoms. Also, why the hell is Demi Lovato calling for the cancelling of E.T. and all his phone-home alien buddies?

For postal sake! Co-host Arik wants to do away with novelty postage stamps. Ruh Roh! He just slapped a Scooby-Doo stamp on a condolences card. Say, Carla, what kind of stamps they got down there in Burnt Corn, Alabama? “Well, we got ‘Merican flag stamps. And the tramp stamp.”

Co-host Garrett is fed up—literally—with cheesy dust. Seriously, do they lace Cheetos with DEET? That stuff burns off fingerprints!

Speaking of treats, you know that friend who you treat to a meal—over and over because they conveniently keep forgetting their wallet? Well, Carla’s fed up with them—as well as the skinny friend who can’t possibly eat one bite of her meal, plus punk kids who misbehave at the table. Screw eating out! She’s taking her hate napkin dispenser and dining in!

To ride the snooze button? Or to decapitate the snooze button rider? Just ask Garrett. Every married couple morning should begin with a bit of sunny-side up spite. Folks, there are snoozers and losers. And, well, boozers—Arik hasn’t even noticed his alarm going off for the past 25 years.

Finally, a hate debate! What’s worse: paper cuts, stubbed toes, or ingrown toenails? Yes, Pauly from Bali, we know your HPV warts hurt too.

#noveltyfleshlights

Hail, hail! The whole “Hate Napkiner” gang is here! But first, a commercial break. Let’s hear a word from our sponsors. We have truckloads of erectile dysfunction pills and Matthew McConaughey luxury cars for sale! Come on, Hulu, enough with the ads! We’re already paying for a subscription.

Next, when did we start giving killers and sociopaths all the glory? Shouldn’t crime investigators get top billing? When did TV shows switch from “Touched by an Angel” to “Touched by an Uncle”?

Co-host Garrett is pissed off at pissing contests. Speaking of pissed: Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, can’t take it no more. When you’re in public, get control of your wilding children! Or Carla’s going to turn them into chili dogs at the local DQ Brazier. As for crying children on airplanes: what do you think cargo is for?

Finally, what’s an episode of The Hate Napkin without everyone drinking from annoying gift shop coffee mugs? From Memphis to Broadway to Petra, we’ve got ‘em! But Carla’s Atlanta glory hole mocha mug steals the show! She assures everyone it’s been test-driven at every major truck stop in the Deep South. And as sound engineer Pauly from Bali notes: “If you like cream in your coffee…”

Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, gags with hate from folks who drown themselves in Old Spice cologne. Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali is sick to death hearing people talk about their chakras. “I want my first and second eye opened by my morning coffee—who cares about my third eye!”

Co-host Arik poses a question to the group: what one food item belongs on the hate napkin? The end result: an egg salad, Brussels sprouts, succotash casserole dipped in lima bean juice. Bon appétit!

Next, the THN gang stumbles upon the ultimate conspiracy theory. The Illuminati has been working for centuries to foil society with idiotic designs of everything from poorly-placed lamp switches to oversized triangular tortilla chips.

“No offense, but” Carla hates vague-booking. We can’t tell you why, but we’ve been crying for hours. We might just have to shut down the show. Also, our chakras aren’t doing so well. So please send us your thoughts and prayers, and stay tuned for next week. Or maybe not.

Why hate anal leakage, when you can despise dry heaving? So says freshly sober co-host Arik, who starts to confess that he’s an—when he’s interrupted by sound engineer Pauly from Bali, who hates public confessions from guilty Catholics.

Next, Carla from Burt Korn, Alabama, reads an uproarious letter from listener Brenda in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Brenda’s detestation of camouflage clothing leads the THN gang on a rant of camo couture idiocy, from ladies at the Walmart donning pink fatigues to camo-capped rednecks driving land yachts. Also, all these desert wars have simply ruined the jungle camo industry!

Arik shows off his Japanese yukata and laments that there are no Caucasian kaftans or other kinds of flowing male dresswear. Carla and Pauly suggest that Arik don a cassock and take advantage of priestly discounts on dry cleaning and lattes. Arik wishes the U.S. fashion industry would create a full-length wifebeater.

Finally, Pauly stuns all with a glorious denunciation of THE WEBINAR!

Folks, we don’t need the Ws! Co-host Arik is steaming mad at the 23rd letter of the alphabet—especially when it comes to Al Gore’s most famous invention. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali nearly lands himself in the THN penalty box for venturing into political territory. Finally, it’s not a double-U. It’s a double-V!

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, promises not to use any “ords” that use that letter. Also, she can’t stand hair bows on bald babies. Pauly from Bali is shocked, “Wait, those aren’t all cancer babies?”

Hmm. Did Art Garfunkel once allegedly refuse to pay his hospital parking fee, and allegedly destroy a parking arm gate with his sportscar? Everyone, sing along! “Are you going to pay your fare?”

Directionally-challenged Carla is sick of traffic circles. She can’t stand it when her GPS, Mildred, tells her, “Get off two quarter-circles ago, dummy!” Arik agrees, and recounts a traffic circle horror story from a failed honeymoon in Ireland.

Finally, Arik doesn’t hate dogs. Then again, he does hate animals that eat themselves to death. “Does that include humans?” Carla wonders. What’s even worse are cats that treat gourmet kitty food like litter box pellets. But nothing is lower than vegans who try to convert cats into vegetarians!

Co-host Garrett is taking the night off—again. This time, he’s at the ballpark watching his beloved Atlanta Braves lose to the lowly Colorado Rockies. That said, he hates ballpark beer prices. Seriously, who wants to pay $15 for urinalysis in a plastic cup?

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is fed up with social media questionnaires. So, PLEASE, tell us about your love life with the fourth photo on your phone, then make a choice: either the suicide hotline or some braided rope.

Speaking of asses. What’s with one-ply toilet paper? Do the ultra-rich have four-ply, or do they pay other folks to wipe? Also, why aren’t there poop scenes in the arts? Carla doesn’t give a crap, while our poorly-endowed sound engineer Pauly from Bali makes it plain: to bidet or not bidet, that is the question.

Finally, Pauly from Bali sounds off on instant coffee. While Little Cletus refills mama’s coffee with “heavy cream,” the THN gang agrees: well-crafted bitter is best.

Right from the gates, the “joy of hate” is alive and kicking. First, special guest Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, wins the brownie. Just don’t ask her why she looks so tired—unless you want that brownie shoved up your nostril.

Then Little Cletus drops by. He’s the, er, THN water boy. (Thank God the FCC can’t shut us down.) Next: why doesn’t the THN gang hate the Kardashians? Come on, talk about hate canon fodder! Never forget, “Indifference is true spite.”

To mansplain or not mansplain? That is the question. Carla says never. But sound engineer Pauly from Bali just can’t help himself. Neither can co-host Arik. Carla’s frozen bitch stare wins the debate.

Moving on: what’s the relationship between pickup trucks, sexual swordsmanship, and the lucky truckers who deliver big balls in F-350s? And, finally, when the hell is class picture day going to be canned? Apparently when Evolution gets around to ridding humanity of the nuisance of nose hair.

“The napkin’s pretty covered in alphabet soup tonight!”

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, stands in for co-host Garrett this week. In addition to managing the local Dairy Queen and running the Burnt Korn Post and Gazette, Carla’s “a world-class hater.” And, boy oh boy, does she hate one-name celebrities. But, hey Madonna, it’s still okay to name your dog Gus.

From there, the THN gang debates whether or not pants are masochistic. Co-host Arik reveals he hasn’t worn pants for 14 months, and is thinking of wearing a skirt for that refreshing, arctic-blast-up-the-wahoo feel. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali models his boxers. Meanwhile, Carla covers her eyes and ears.

Plus, Arik presents a hate quiz: what one type of pasta belongs on the hate napkin? Also, all you Dining Divas, eat yer damn food and stop banging on service industry workers!