TRAUMATIZED

As humans, we all yearn for companionship in various forms. Some seek love, loyalty, and family, while others desire physical connections devoid of intimacy. Some prefer a wide circle of surface-level friends, while some cherish a few close, meaningful friendships akin to family. Our early years at school shape our social skills, but for many, it's marred by various challenges, like shyness or even abuse. These early experiences can affect our self-worth and ability to trust in love.

My own journey, marked by ADHD and bullying, led me to question the nature of love and trauma. Now, I find myself grappling with feelings for a close friend, torn between love and fear, wondering if it's genuine or a response to past trauma. Love is never simple, and I'm on a quest for understanding, balancing the risk of losing something precious with the possibility of finding true love. Want to contact me?

When you grow up, or even in adulthood, and you're confronted with traumatic events, especially those linked to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or CPTSD, it can feel like you're navigating through a never-ending storm. Whether it's an abusive partner, a toxic parent, or just an ordinary person who inflicts harm, the scars they leave behind can run deep.

Imagine being trapped in a relationship with a narcissist, someone who slowly chips away at your self-worth until you begin to believe every cruel word they utter. It's a journey many have embarked on, and some have managed to escape, while others have been discarded once they've served their purpose.

Often, especially if you haven't sought professional help yet, or you're in the early stages of your recovery, you find yourself facing triggers. These triggers can reawaken the horrors you've endured, causing you to relive the pain over and over again.

The insidious consequence of this is a pervasive sense of self-doubt. You begin to question your own abilities, your decisions, and your self-confidence wanes. It's as if the trauma has cast a long shadow over your life, and it feels impossible to break free from its grip.

In this episode I talk about how stressful trying to live my life is when becoming triggered feels so natural, so normal for me that trying anything new or interacting with a woman or stranger is not an option as it feels safer to stay at home by myself than out there taking risks.

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Throughout my healing journey, I had a dedicated therapist who guided me through the darkness of my trauma. However, this path was marred by a unique challenge—my ex-girlfriend, who believed she knew what was best for me, often conflicting with my therapist's approach.

Her strong influence during therapy sessions complicated my healing process. Realizing the need for unbiased healing, I made a significant decision—to change therapists. This marked a fresh start, prioritizing my well-being away from external voices.

In this episode, I invite you to explore the reasons behind my decision, the challenges it presents, and the hopes it holds. We'll delve into the complexities of relationships, trauma, and healing, as I share my personal journey of resilience and transformation. My previous therapist played a vital role in helping me uncover buried wounds, but the dissonance between him and my ex-girlfriend created obstacles.

But there's hope—my new therapist, specializing in trauma therapy and other techniques, represents a beacon guiding me toward the healing I deeply desire.

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Enjoy this Encore presentation of a Season 2 Episode 31 of my Podcast!

CPTSD triggers arise from past trauma, when safety was absent and danger loomed. To feel secure, our inner parts merge with the adult, striving for safety amid peril. A must for CPTSD sufferers: unwavering safety, be it in people or places, as lack thereof triggers flashbacks and yearnings for refuge. This quest for safety can breed isolation, urging us to seek solace in the outside world. Tune in to my podcast, exploring the crucial role of safety in a CPTSD-afflicted world. Want to contact me?

I had a rough week, starting with seeing my Ex looking at my profile on a dating site to feeling discouraged and lost to having all the built up tension almost come out on a friend. It did show me however that Fear is really holding me back! I am so afraid of being rejected and also afraid of being in another relationship with someone who is abusive!

I don't feel like I am strong enough, brave enough to say "no this isn't going to work, I'm sorry" to the next woman I date if she doesn't work out. The only real course of action that will help me is therapy and a new therapist is the best way to start!

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A large percentage of people in society struggle with handling stress and anxiety while in their work environment. It often causes break downs, burnouts, stress leave and can lead to health problems that affect their lives.

Now imagine what that must all feel like to someone who ALSO has CPTSD and has gone through abuse during their childhood or a violent relationship! add that into the equation! Stress in the work environment will definitely make us more susceptible to becoming triggered but we don't know how to or are afraid to speak up about it to someone at work, mostly due to the stigmas and stereotypes created at work.

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"For those of us who've weathered trauma, particularly during our formative years, the realm of social interactions often poses significant challenges. Personally, I find my self-confidence to be a struggle, a factor that subsequently hampers my ability to assert my needs and establish firm personal boundaries, whether in relationships or in life.

One concern that deeply resonates with me is the fear of perpetuating a pattern: entering a romantic relationship, only to discover later that the person isn't conducive to my well-being. Past experiences have taught me the importance of not allowing my needs to be dismissed and permitting others to take advantage. Thus, I'm committed to mastering the art of advocating for my needs and ensuring that if circumstances warrant, I have the strength to walk away, escaping the cycle that ensnared me before."

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Embarking on the journey to heal from trauma is a profound and demanding undertaking, encompassing numerous intricate steps. Amidst the struggle and pain, a transformative process unfolds, gradually bestowing upon you a sense of empowerment and an exuberant emotional resurgence.

Yet, let's be clear: the labor required to achieve this isn't outsourced to therapists or friends—it rests squarely on your shoulders. Progress arises from your diligence, dedication, and the time invested. With persistent effort, as you make strides and confront the challenges, the authentic essence of healing begins to materialize.

Stay the course, for through perseverance, you will eventually grasp the transformative power of healing for yourself.

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Part 2 of this 2 episode Podcast.

My ex stands as a vivid illustration of someone who emerged from an abusive upbringing only to relive her traumatic past within a relationship, mirroring the very maltreatment she suffered from her parents. This account encompasses verbal and physical abuse, manipulation, and harsh judgment, among other unsettling traits. Evidently, classic indicators of Narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder were present.

Across this two-part episode, we delve into the genesis of our relationship, tracing the emergence of abuse and its gradual escalation. The narrative reaches a disheartening apex—her complete dominance over me, instilling a profound belief in my inherent unworthiness of love.

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My ex stands as a vivid illustration of someone who emerged from an abusive upbringing only to relive her traumatic past within a relationship, mirroring the very maltreatment she suffered from her parents. This account encompasses verbal and physical abuse, manipulation, and harsh judgment, among other unsettling traits. Evidently, classic indicators of Narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder were present.

Across this two-part episode, we delve into the genesis of our relationship, tracing the emergence of abuse and its gradual escalation. The narrative reaches a disheartening apex—her complete dominance over me, instilling a profound belief in my inherent unworthiness of love.

Want to contact me?

Today I have Dr. Gillian O'Shea Brown on my podcast as my Guest! she's a very educated, caring and understanding Psychotherapist who specializes in CPTSD and EMDR therapy.

Together we discuss a lot of my past trauma and the reality behind it all, doing some deep evaluation of my past relationship and what I eventually learned about what having it end did for me and gave me the strength to grow wiser and learn so much more about my Trauma and its real background.

After all the time apart from my past abuser, my Ex Girlfriend.. no longer having to hear her attack me, tell me lies and abuse me and manipulate me, I am seeing it all in my dreams at night! She arrives just like when I lived with her 4 months ago and it looks and feels so real! I try with all I can to fight back, to say what I couldn't say when I was there but the words just don't come and once again am re-traumatized and I am triggered. Just now its in my Subconscious... I haven't seen her since March 1st but that doesn't matter, she now has control of me in my dreams.

When I look at it from a broader perspective it just means there is still work ahead of me... that's ok!

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This is a necessary step along our journey to healing from our trauma and moving forward with our lives. If we do not find a way to create, hold and spread out the positive energy day to day the healing process will be a lot more difficult, stressful and decreased our chances of truly finding peace with our past.

Yes, this is difficult to achieve and healing from the abuse we suffered at the hands of our Abuser, the narcissist, the psychopath, the one we continue to fall back on instead of changing our patterns. In order to get to our goal of healing, recovery and finding our peace with our past we have to find that positive energy!, create our own destiny! Take care of ourselves, do what is best for us and never waver! create our boundaries and make sure people respect and abide by them. We are the only ones who can truly decide if we really want to heal from our Trauma, our CPTSD! you need to make the tough choices and start the positive vibe now! otherwise you'll keep failing and falling deeper down that hole.

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I tell you today, life is not that much fun even though I am no longer with my Ex and I love on my own! Always little things, experiences and memories or reminders that happen during my day that causes a great deal of pain and anxiety, not to mention emotionally beating myself up!

I know this is just one trigger on top of another and I realize I am safe from her abuse but my fragile mind, my parts can't see my reality as they only see what they still fear. It's so mentally defeating and it hurts each time I am reminded of what she did to me! I can beat this! but likely not on my own...

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As simple as it sounds, I kid you not... Recovery is far from it with many twists and turns, set backs and joy our road to recovery is going to be very stressful and hard to deal with, even at the best of times!

Everyone will begin to recover once they have come to the self conclusion that they must get the help they deserve! Don't be surprised if you at times feel overwhelmed, sad, discouraged and angry at yourself! But the fight is worth it when you finally get to where you're meant to be but there is no clear answer.

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This week is a re-broadcast of a Season 1 episode from August 14th 2022 from my previous podcast Living With ADHD and CPTSD. a Discussion about Triggers and CPTSD

We all deal with triggers when we have CPTSD, that's life!  Unless we have years of work under our belts and processed like our lives depend on it we are likely going to experience a lot of triggers.  Learning why they happen and learning how to notice them is really a difficult step along the way to healing from CPTSD but it certainly is required in order to get there.  I have my triggers, ones that I don't know about and those that I am well aware of, however, learning to to recognize and take action has always been the trickiest part in it all.  My Relationship has taken a beating because of the level of difficulty learning my triggers is. Want to contact me?

When you become triggered and your CPTSD becomes active, the fear inside you is strong! So damn strong that your body reacts in such a way that you are frozen, you feel sick and it paralyzes you! Fear is really the main piece of our Trauma, our CPTSD.

But Feelings, our emotions aren't that simple, never that straight forward. WE all know that.

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Gaining a diagnosis, be it CPTSD, ADHD, Autism, or other mental health conditions, isn't a straightforward process. Unraveling the complexities of our experiences often involves untangling overlapping symptoms, like those found in CPTSD, ADHD, and Autism.

You might recognize Autism-related traits within yourself, yet uncertainty prevails due to limited therapeutic exploration. The overlap between Autism and CPTSD adds to the challenge. Similarly, many ADHD symptoms stem from enduring repetitive trauma. Expert guidance is crucial, yet even with specialized help, certainty remains elusive. Personal progress and processing play pivotal roles in reaching understanding.

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"Trauma touches many lives, often without recognition. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) can emerge at any life stage, commonly during childhood or adolescence.

Observing those around us reveals two types: some openly display trauma symptoms, while others conceal fear, pretending normalcy. Today's society struggles to hide suffering, evident in social dynamics, personality traits, anger, and even subtle physical cues discernible to the perceptive.

Regrettably, encountering someone facing daily battles or consistent trouble sparks initial negative assumptions—labels like lazy, unintelligent, or antisocial arise. Misunderstood is their profound struggle, borne of experiences often too painful to share. Assistance eludes them, leaving them adrift in fear, apprehensive of further trauma.

In truth, these individuals have weathered storms beyond measure. Their desperate plea for aid remains unanswered, lost in the overwhelming fear of exacerbating their trauma. It's a burden too heavy to bear."

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Introducing a new Podcast... from the one who brought you "Living With ADHD and CPTSD", this podcast will dive deep into the areas where discussions about Trauma and CPTSD have never gone before!

I will have very honest and real conversations about the harsh reality about CPTSD and Trauma and everything that happens in this world that leads to you, me and millions of undiagnosed people that have experienced repetitive Traumatic events.

Also I'll tell the stories from those out there willing to reveal and express their own horrible traumatic experiences in their lives so that we all can see and feel what it is like to grow up with fear and anxiety every day.

This will not be a nice and playful podcast but a very honest and open but blunt voyage into the lives of those affected by Trauma!

"Hypervigilance intertwined with trauma spawns distressing challenges. Sleeplessness, ceaseless worry, and perpetual anticipation of adversity shape your existence. The ever-present sense of unease has been a constant companion, overshadowing relaxation.

Your vigilance remains unyielding, regardless of the scenario—be it grocery shopping or unwinding at home. Sudden loud sounds jolt you, swiftly triggering defensive reactions in conversations.

But why? What underpins this experience?

What you're undergoing is hypervigilance, likely stemming from past traumas and the complexities of post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)."

I have been in 3 relationships since I was 26 and all 3 had the same theme, I was emotionally abused and manipulated to the point I truly believed that this was the best I could do and I would never find anyone else, so I couldn't leave and take care of myself.  My last relationship, she was very abusive and manipulative emotionally and could possibly be BPD (Borderline personality Disorder) with Narcissist tendencies.  After being on the outside for almost 2 months now I have learned to see the truth and I know how it all works, repeat the same loop over and over.

She unintentionally took out her own trauma from her past on me and I am scarred and broken however, I will work hard to heal and recover and one day I hope I will find someone who i'll be able to feel safe around and trust them.

Hi everyone, still working on things in life.  will have a new ADHD episode next week, meanwhile please enjoy an encore presentation of this episode!

We all need to do our best to be our best with ADHD.  If we want to have a chance to live our lives to the fullest then we need to learn how to take control and minimize our symptoms!  How?  We change our lives by changing our Diet, exercising, proper sleep, mindfulness and of course Medication.  We also learn adaptations and helpful tools that we use to make life easier both at work and in our home.  This episode explores all the different ways we can make changes to master our symptoms and make life better!

4 years ago I never thought that I would be in a relationship where I faced Emotional abuse and physical violence.  Nobody ever wants this but sadly many often don't have a choice and I learned that through it all my CPTSD really became out of control and prevented me from taking my life back until after it ended.  The road ahead is going to be a rather difficult one but if I ever want to experience a real loving, true relationship then I need to be brave, gather up all the courage I can find and begin my healing process.  It's ridiculous just how little I understood during it all, causing me to once again fall right back into the same crazy circle.

In this episode I go onto the podcast "Stigma Breakers" and answer questions about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD).  Originally a live stream video podcast on her channel, it was a great time and a lot of fun and educating people who want to know about CPTSD.

This is not a knock on you or your ability to be a caring person, we're all capable of caring and loving another person (unless we're a Psychopath) but in order for you to have any chance in having success and being in a happy, loving relationship you need to heal from your Trauma!  Relationships have issues, nobody has a perfect relationship and if you are not healing from your CPTSD you are going to cause a lot of pain and hurt for you and more importantly towards your partner in this relationship.

Bottom line?  you need to first admit to yourself and accept that you are not healing from your Trauma, your triggers.  Then you need to step away from relationships for a while and do what is necessary for YOU!  see the therapist, do the processing, work with your parts!  

Gain their trust and learn to have control when times are tough, heal from your trauma and then you can really be ready.

I know, it's hard I get it but think of how much hurt and suffering you'll avoid on yourself and put anyone else through?  do you really want that?

Gardening is a great way to improve your mental health!  It has clear benefits and will give your life an added boost and make you feel happier and healthier in a number of ways.  This episode I discuss how having a garden will strengthen your mental health and reduce ADHD symptoms.

https://luminohealth.sunlife.ca/s/article/6-health-benefits-of-gardening?language=en_US#:~:text=Gardening%20can%20relieve%20stress,less%20stress%2C%20anxiety%20and%20depression.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/how-gardening-affects-mental-health

In this 2 part episode I have a valuable, in-depth discussion with Jeanette about emotional regulation, partnerships and emotional regulation as well as trauma within ADHD.  It's a very long interview so I decided to break it down into 2 parts.

This episode is a really good, frank and honest discussion about the struggles we all have with ADHD and Emotional Regulation and how Trauma (CPTSD) ties into it!  I really recommend you listen to both parts of this interview with Jeanette Graham!

In this 2 part episode I have a valuable, in-depth discussion with Jeanette about emotional regulation, partnerships and emotional regulation as well as trauma within ADHD.  It's a very long interview so I decided to break it down into 2 parts.

This episode is a really good, frank and honest discussion about the struggles we all have with ADHD and Emotional Regulation and how Trauma (CPTSD) ties into it!  I really recommend you listen to both parts of this interview with Jeanette Graham!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/excuse-my-adhd/id1477416214 - please take a listen to Jeanette's Podcast!

https://www.excusemyadhd.com/ - and her amazing website!

Being an Inattentive ADHD type I easily become distracted by most things, especially with a conversation where there's background noise of any level.  Unfortunately if you are attempting to converse with someone else who is a Neurotypical they'll often wonder what the hell is going on and will either think we are not interested in what they are saying or that we are really stupid because we usually cannot comprehend what they're telling us in the moment and so we often fake our way through the conversation or make ourselves look stupid!

I discuss here how my mind has such a difficult time with becoming so easily distracted when having conversations and how it affects my ability to really listen and converse back enough to satisfy their desired response.