Your Favorite Band Sucks

Please, for the love of all that is decent in the world, leave those old records on the shelf, Bob! Even if the music you grew up on was once half as cool as you seem to think - which it wasn't - and even if you yourself were once half as cool as you seem to think - which you definitely weren't - what about any of that would lead you to believe the world needs you to write approximately 80 songs on that topic and only that topic?! Nobody cares that you used to get your dick wet, dude. You've got to stop singing about it. It was already weird about 40 years ago and at this point it's become a fairly serious problem, for you, for us, for everyone still living under the delusion that these songs were ever awesome... Press play on this episode to let Mark and Tyler free you from the spell of Mr. Seger's past!

You know, it really was a great question... What if there was a new R&B singer pop star who represented modern attitudes toward sexual inhibition and general debauchery? Too bad we still don't have an answer because at this point it's pretty extremely clear The Weeknd is and has always been a giant dork. Sure, back in the early days, nobody knew much about him and could only imagine how insane the drugs and parties and sex must be if that's all he ever wanted to sing about. But he just couldn't keep his true self hidden in the shadows! Ready for Mark and Tyler to take you on a guided tour of how one man defied all the odds to become a global phenomenon, then defied common sense by ruining it all for no good reason?

Every person who's gonna get mad about this episode was a member of the final generation to still believe all the time they spent hanging out at the mall as a teenager was awesome and literally any of the things they think they learned about music at that mall were/are valid. So right away everyone else should be able to tell the cognitive dissonance in the replies anywhere this gets shared will be entirely off the charts. Are you ready to learn about some tough guy metalheads who also used to spend more time in the mirror on their hair and makeup than your little sister ever did? Are you ready to learn about how Meathead Eddie Munster over here has had a decades-long career as a singer despite not actually being able to sing? Are you ready to take NFT-investment advice from a band who between all the various members may or may not have ever read one (1) complete book? Are you ready to listen to Mark and Tyler spend an hour dunking on all of these things and more?! Press play, folks!

Is it possible this is the Actual Most Depressing Grunge Band out of all the depressing grunge bands to ever exist? Turns out some bands never recover from finding out they aren't good enough to make it in hair metal. But that only explains how a group of guys could wind up making music this miserable and boring. What in the hell compels anyone else to waste time listening to it? Tune in to today's episode as Mark and Tyler consider these and other great mysteries of "the Seattle sound." But wait! Make sure to listen all the way to the end for details on how you have a chance to appear as a guest on a future episode of the podcast!

Was this musical partnership a timeless classic or a barely functional soap opera nearly running off the rails at every turn? Simon & Garfunkel were a great example of why it should be illegal for pop culture media to refer to musical artists as "geniuses." It's only a matter of time before even the most marginally talented hack would start to believe it's actually true. There are at least three stories in this episode that could only happen due to pure, unbridled narcissism. Is it even possible to cover the entire trainwreck when there's this much material to work with? The only way to know is to press play and find out why Simon & Garfunkel sucks!

Ever wonder what it would be like if baby talk could become a whole band? Wonder no longer, friends, because it already happened. Some of you already know who Sigur Rós is. (Or, really, at this point, "was.") The rest of you are going to think Mark and Tyler are entirely fabricating this band from their imaginations. Defying all logic, this was a real thing. In fact, it was a cult and nearly everyone between the ages of 35 - 45 knows at least one person who was in this cult, whether they'd admit it or not. Some of them still have the tattoos. WARNING: this is the closest Mark's head has ever come to exploding while recording an episode. Press play at your own risk... of laughing your ass off.

BREAKING: we interrupt your daily doomscroll with an emergency broadcast addressing the use of A.I. technology in music! It's impossible to keep up with all the new developments. Every day seems to bring more stories of a new way A.I. is going to change everything we think we know about music by, like, next week. From celebrity impersonations to bringing back the voices of dead legends to ending the careers of pop stars and entirely putting humans out of work - how's all this stuff actually going to shake out? If only there were two assholes with no reason to avoid saying exactly what needs to be said about the music industry... That's right, friends! Mark and Tyler are here to answer, well, maybe not all the questions you have but definitely most of the questions smart people should be asking at this moment in history. One thing is for certain, no matter what: A.I. music sucks!

Just when you thought the '90s Boy Band Fandom Wars were over, the podcast pulls you back in! Take a trip with us to the past. Every college freshman either has frosted tips or a nipple ring - and those are just the guys. The sound blasting out of every dorm room is another slight variation on legitimately the worst-sounding music you've ever heard in your life but, for some reason, you're expected to select and defend one iteration of this evil banality. Who do you choose to stan? Certainly not NSYNC. Even by commercial pop music standards, NSYNC is indefensible. Press play on the episode to hear Mark and Tyler sing parody versions of a bunch of NSYNC songs, stay for the astute breakdown and analysis of some of the most baffling con artistry in the history of the music industry.

Look, if you're not sitting there wondering "who in the hell is Wilco?" then you're old enough to've lived through the press cycle for their Yankee Hotel Foxtrot LP and, for that reason, you always knew to expect this episode. Somehow coasting on twenty-something year old, empty hype, there's every chance this unbelievably and undeservedly overrated band may still come up in conversation at any moment here in the year 2023. So if music fans everywhere are susceptible to being ambushed into offering an opinion on Wilco, then you're damn right we'll dial it all the way back to the beginning and unmake this entire mythology.

"Ooooh, Ticketmaster Sucks... Tell me something I don't know!" Okay, smart guy. Everyone knows Ticketmaster is everything that's wrong with the concert industry, right? Well, maybe just go ahead and forget whatever you think you know about how concerts work because the fact is a lot of people have been lying to you for a very long time. Remember how scalpers used bots to get all the good tickets to the concert you wanted to see? Yeah, that's not what happened. Remember when Ticketmaster forced your favorite band to add outrageously high fees to every ticket you bought? That's what you're supposed to believe but it's not the truth. Or what about the time your favorite band had no choice but to use Ticketmaster if they wanted to tour in decent venues? Oh, honey... Look, it'll be okay. If you want to know what's really going down then just press play. Daddy Mark and Daddy Tyler will get you all sorted out.

Yep, this is the official favorite band of every moron who wants to yell something at a concert even though they don't have anything original to say. (Don't worry about any of them getting mad at this, though. They literally can't read.) Skynyrd is just one of many reasons it's too bad there isn't a fault line along the northern border of Florida that may someday result in an earthquake big enough to send the whole damn state into the ocean. But, hey, looks like global warming is gonna eventually bring the ocean to Florida, so party on! Wooh! NASCAR! Git 'er dun! Here's yer sign! Lynyrd Skynyrd sucks!

Settle in, young 'uns, and listen to a tale about the time an entire generation of rubes fell for the nonsense nursery rhyme stylings of a faux hippie who literally woke up one day and used his adult brain to decide his name should be Cat Stevens. How many times do you think this guy was called "a genius" in the 1970s? It doesn't even matter because if it only happened once that's still twice as many times as it should've been. Anyway, tune in to the episode for a quick education on why Cat Stevens sucks!

Life happens so we had to skip the last one but the traditional YFBS anti-Christmas episode is needed this year more than ever. Question: how many of you at this point in 2022 feel like you've already had Christmas marketed to you for two entire months and we still have most of December to go before it's finally over? Well that's because it's exactly what happened and your favorite workshop elves are here to dutifully break down the bullshittery of it all in an epic and timely fashion. Enough is enough! Stop the madness! Christmas music sucks!

We disperse this episode unto the wilderness not so that we may receive countless responses from peasants who "never even heard of these guys lol" and somehow believe that means they should be doing anything other than shutting the hell up when kings do talk of music. Nay! This broadcast shall transmit throughout the land for all who have likewise suffered the presence of yon unwashed hessians so bold as to claim this alleged Dream Theater be of utmost musical quality. And hasten ye not for to smirk, as these common folk surely do say so but never in jest.

By the way, who told the singer of this band that being in Steroid Rush means he's allowed to wear leather pants? Because as uncool as it is for anyone not named Axl Rose to wear leather pants, "singer of Dream Theater in leather pants" makes literally every other person on the planet seem as cool as Bruce Lee in the year 1972.

According to certain ancient pagan religions, bon iver translates to "world ender," which is fitting because this dude has single-handedly destroyed like three different genres of music - and he only had to sacrifice five or six elk in the middle of a frozen forest to do it! Have you ever wondered what would happen if you stared at laptop while mouth-breathing into a microphone for months on end waiting for an album to show up out of nowhere? Well, this guy did and apparently people love that shit because now everything with an acoustic guitar in it sounds approximately this bad or worse.

Don't even act like this episode coming out is the end of the world or something. Jimi Hendrix Experience is one of the most overrated boomer nostalgia acts in history and the only reason you think acknowledging that is blasphemy is because you've sacrificed the ability to judge for yourself in favor of assuming the last 50 years of rock music magazines as your own opinions. The first way to tell none of those people ever had a clue what they were talking about? Before they went nuts for Jimi Hendrix Experience, they thought the band Cream was for sure about to be the most important band of all time. Want to know what else they got wrong? Listen to the episode.

Sure, if crying was an Olympic team sport then maybe it would have been theoretically possible for Sunny Day Real Estate to do something that mattered. But even if crying was an Olympic team sport then Sunny Day Real Estate would still need to have been able to remain a team long enough to get to the competition and there is just no way that would ever have happened. Now, is it this band's fault so many clueless tryhards have thought and said so many idiotic things about their work and legacy? Of course not. Does that mean we're going to be nice about it? Of course not. Sunny Day Real Estate sucks and it's time to talk about all of the reasons why.

BREAKING NEWS: Today we interrupt our regular schedule to release an emergency update on the currently developing Maroon 5 situation. As fans of the podcast have come to expect, your trusted correspondents delve into the story and report nothing but the truth. These are the facts you won't receive from mainstream media outlets.

How did this even work? Oh, the plan is obvious - recycle all the late '90s/early '00s angst of grunge and nu-metal with a twist of 311 and pretend you have no idea any of that stuff ever existed so people think you've come original - but, like, how did that work? Today we'll get into these and other questions, just in case this band is ever able to recover from their most recent grease fire of an album and somehow remain relevant.

There are only two types of music that have this many "fa la la la la"s in the lyrics, T. Rex songs and Christmas songs, and it's still summertime so you know this ain't no Christmas episode. Nevertheless, we come bearing a gift: clear-eyed analysis of one of the most infantile, overrated and pretentious musical projects of all time. Hey, Bolan, if your music sounds like the soundtrack to a ten year old kid playing with imaginary friends in an enchanted forest, go ahead and don't name the band after one of the most fearsome apex predators to ever exist, okay?

Oh, no! Not an episode on baby's first "smart" band! Yeah, that's right, folks. They said it couldn't be done. They said it wouldn't be done. Well, we already done damn did it. Go grab your most over-sized suit and bugged out eyes and get ready to jog in place for half an hour because that's about how long it's gonna take us to explain why Talking Heads totally suck.

You do at least have to give The Chainsmokers credit for figuring out how to pander to the absolute lowest common denominator of people who pretend to care about music but, that being said, holy hell are these songs the worst thing you've ever heard or what? How is it actually legal to suck this bad at making music?

Well, we keep getting requests for more country episodes so today we decided to talk about a true, bonafide country legend, Taylor Swift. Usually we can't find many nice things to say on the podcast but what an authentic and legendary artist. Swifties are sure to love this one.

How shocked would you be if anyone in this band was able to explain to explain alternating or direct currents? That's right, folks. AC/DC is the soundtrack of being a complete dumbass. If chimpanzees could make rock music, it would be smarter than AC/DC. Actually, wait... Has anyone ever tried to teach an ape to play drums? An orangutan could for sure do Phil Rudd's job. Okay, we're gonna look into this just as soon as the episode is over.

A lot of people have asked us why Phish wasn't the very first episode of this podcast. Well, do you really need us to tell you that Phish is one of the worst bands on the planet? No, you don't. What you need is for us to tell you why Phish is one of the worst bands on the planet, so that's exactly and comprehensively what we're going to do. Find somewhere a little more comfortable than the ground to sit down. We're gonna be here for a while.